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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How does a man have an affair and cover his tracks

52 replies

confusedbythis4 · 27/09/2023 16:45

I want to know how a man can have an affair and there be no signs at all.
Yes, I am talking about my husband. The way I found out was because I noticed he had warts down below which he had never had. TBH he could have told me that they had just appeared and I would have accepted it knowing that warts can lay dormant for decades. But he admitted he had been cheating. Not an affair he said. A few one night stands. With women whose names he does not know. I don't believe him. There was virtually no opportunity to have one night stands. I have no clue when he did it. It must have been someone close geographically who could accommodate for short times. Not a prostitute. He is not a man who would visit a prostitute. He would definately not like handing over money for sex, he would not need to, plus we were almost broke at one point in the past.
The thing is, I never noticed any signs. He barely went out in the evening. He worked hard to support his family. He never worked late. At no point did I ever think 'oh that's odd' at anything. He never smelled of perfume. He did not have a secret bank account. I managed our money which we were both happy for me to do. He showed zilch signs of having been with another woman. Since his confession I have managed to view his location history on Google. He doesn't know I have done this. He does not know that Google records his location. There was only one irregularity over a period of four years and I am almost certain this was a blip on the GPS as he was located a few streets away in the early hours.
How did he do it?

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 27/09/2023 16:51

During work time? After work when he said he was working late/going to the gym? On night out with 'work' or 'friends'?

This was mostly when my ex husband was doing it anyway.

MariePaperRoses · 27/09/2023 16:54

Fucking a colleague in his lunch hour?

Taking the day off work and not telling you.

Saying he's on a course when he isn't?

Out with make friends but disappears to fuck someone?

I hate to say this but do you think there is a possibility that he has been with a man or men? That would be a lot easier to cover his tracks?

PyramusandThisbe · 27/09/2023 16:59

Work time, probably a colleague. You can get up to a surprising amount in lockable offices.

PennyForearm · 27/09/2023 17:00

It’s probably someone at work.

Having worked somewhere (NHS) where I’ve seen lots affairs going on… if he has the kind of job where he can put a “meeting” in his diary and be off site or “in another building” for a couple of hours, if he’s not really accountable or answerable for every minute of his working day, that’s when he will have snuck off and done it.

He could have booked a few hours/half a day annual leave and gone to her house or a quick drive to somewhere secluded - you’d never know about that, to you it would look like he’s worked as usual.

Or he’s literally shagged someone in his office/an empty room.

confusedbythis4 · 27/09/2023 17:00

He barely went out at all. An annual bash he use to go to. Didn't go to the gym. It is possible he could have taken a day off without telling me but that would have showed up on Google locations.
There was one day he had obviously told me he felt ill because I had text him on that day asking if he was feeling ok. He obviously hadn't felt ill because Google locations had him to and fro between our home and his workplace and a car dealership on that day but I think he was test driving a car. It was just before he bought a new car.
It's not like he hung out with male friends and was having an affair with one of them. He basically didn't hang out with any male friends.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 27/09/2023 17:01

My ex used a dumb phone for his affair so his location and messages weren't recorded.

confusedbythis4 · 27/09/2023 17:02

BoohooWoohoo · 27/09/2023 17:01

My ex used a dumb phone for his affair so his location and messages weren't recorded.

Ah. This might have happened.

OP posts:
MoonlightMuse · 27/09/2023 17:03

Why does it matter how he did it? He has admitted he has. Your focus needs to be on what you will do next (hopefully including some STI tests for yourself).

FlippyFloppyShoe · 27/09/2023 17:07

Honestly don't beat yourself up about it.
I think some people don't believe me never having had a clue about my ex right up until the end, by which time the lies were so ridiculous even he couldn't make them make sense to me. Looking back I can now see there were signs, but I come from a trusting family who try not to swerve the truth so we generally believe each other without question, but he didn't come from this environment and was/is the most monumental liar and manipulator...but I didn't know that until after

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 27/09/2023 17:09

Workplace, or if he works from home and you're reliably not at home then the OW could be turning up there. If he has an arrangement with someone that's no strings then discretion is easy because it's not an affair in the normal sense, it's just hooking up for sex at mutually convenient times.

A colleague did exactly that, was only caught out because his wife arrived home much earlier than planned. Shit hit the fan because the OW was his direct report, she admitted how they got away with it for years after she lost her job (performance related, he was covering for her...then he got caught out by senior team - almost lost his job too).

As PP said, how he did it isn't important. That he did is, as is how you want to move forward. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 27/09/2023 17:11

I'm quite amazed at how many of them don't, actually. When I think of some of the damn stupid ways I know some of them have been caught... I think they must have been so sure that the universe would bend to their will, they didn't think they needed to do anything themselves.

Newgolddream70 · 27/09/2023 17:12

D'you want my exH's email address? He can tell you 😆

StrawberryRainbows · 27/09/2023 17:14

They don't need to leave the office to have an affair. I used to work in the conference department where employees would come to book meeting rooms. Often times they were booked out for "quickies". So called "meetings with the recruitment team" both married individuals.

readbooksdrinktea · 27/09/2023 17:14

They find time when they want to. Sorry it happened to you.

confusedbythis4 · 27/09/2023 17:16

The no strings FWB visiting our home probably makes the most sense but I never noticed anything unusual. Surely there would have been something.
Thank you @FlippyFloppyShoe but I cannot help beat myself up or at least kick myself. If only I had been more observant. I am also a naturally trusting person so I never needed to be observant or so I thought.

OP posts:
confusedbythis4 · 27/09/2023 17:17

I need to know who it was.

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 27/09/2023 17:20

Sorry your going thru this, but you seem to disbelieve the sti and your husband saying he has slept about. It's not rocket science to turn off your location and phone. Or to take half an hour in work time,break times etc. But if like my ex I found the extra phone first while doing a spring clean hidden behind shoes just a cheaper older one but it was full of texts chats and meet up times dates etc that's how I found out and he also admitted it, I left that day and filed for divorce 2 weeks later. I'm worth more your worth more. And get yourself checked out to I did after him and was fine but wanted to be sure.

Crabwoman · 27/09/2023 17:23

Two colleagues had an affair at work for years. They would book a meeting with each other once a week and used either a lockable meeting room or a disused office. Their workplace was an old rabbit warren victorian municipal building with a disused (but not locked) floor.

It took a long time for them to be discovered as they were so very discreet about it. Everyone was absolutely stunned. This was years ago, so Google tracking was not available, and everything was conducted 9-5.

Haffiana · 27/09/2023 17:44

Prostitutes. Despite you writing that off. That is why he admitted so quickly to the 'cheating'.

The other clue is you saying He would definately not like handing over money for sex, he would not need to, plus we were almost broke at one point in the past.

This is you misunderstanding why some men go to prostitutes. It isn't because he wouldn't pay for sex and it isn't because he wouldn't 'need to'. It is because he wants to fuck prostitutes. It isn't normal sex that he would have with you or with an affair partner, and it isn't normal sex that he would otherwise never pay for. It is prostitute sex, fucking someone who has no desire to fuck him, someone who he doesn't care about - who he may even hate.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 27/09/2023 18:15

Colleague had an affair at work. There were some lockable rooms for training etc they snaffled a key to. Always where they were supposed to be not out at night, communicated via work systems etc

Pinkbonbon · 27/09/2023 18:15

Just reading this thinking if scorned women were put on murder cases then killers wouldn't stand a chance. Men seriously underestimate how deep we delve when first scoping them out and when we think they're up to something xD

In all seriousness though op, don't get bogged up on the whys, just focus on your next steps. Though tbf, I wouldn't be surprised if he has a new woman in the scene suspiciously soon after after divorce.

cleanbreak2022 · 27/09/2023 18:36

I hate to say this, I really do. I don't believe he doesn't know the names and it's one night stands. You've already mentioned there was no opportunity.

It's someone you know of, it could be someone close to where you live or he works. He leaves his phone at the location and 'pops out'. He had a burner phone for contact.

Some cars have an app that you can download. My phone tracks me, because it is on me. My car is tracked by the app on the phone. If he recently purchased a new car, I would download the app for the car.

Whattodowithit88 · 27/09/2023 18:42

Very very easily. I’m fact it’s so easy it is actually shocking!! That’s why the cheater then starts to accuse their partners of having affairs because it’s so easy to get away with. Most people don’t actually get caught, some do, most don’t.

It’s even easier to get away with it when your partner thinks of you like “John would never do, he just isn’t like that”.

fortheloveofflowers · 27/09/2023 18:43

You are very, very naive if you think he wouldn’t visit a prostitute.

Sensoria · 27/09/2023 18:48

Affair partner knows the man is married.

So knows not to call in evenings.

Has a code for checking if it’s ok to call (eg call and then hang up)

Save the person on his phone under a different name.

Deletes all messages.

Meets the partner during the working day, some evenings and very occasionally on weekends.

If they’re given a gift, hides it at work and then casually mentions it’s something they want to buy, so they can bring it home.

Shower before heading home if possible.

Tells affair partner to be careful of leaving any physical marks.

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