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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How does a man have an affair and cover his tracks

52 replies

confusedbythis4 · 27/09/2023 16:45

I want to know how a man can have an affair and there be no signs at all.
Yes, I am talking about my husband. The way I found out was because I noticed he had warts down below which he had never had. TBH he could have told me that they had just appeared and I would have accepted it knowing that warts can lay dormant for decades. But he admitted he had been cheating. Not an affair he said. A few one night stands. With women whose names he does not know. I don't believe him. There was virtually no opportunity to have one night stands. I have no clue when he did it. It must have been someone close geographically who could accommodate for short times. Not a prostitute. He is not a man who would visit a prostitute. He would definately not like handing over money for sex, he would not need to, plus we were almost broke at one point in the past.
The thing is, I never noticed any signs. He barely went out in the evening. He worked hard to support his family. He never worked late. At no point did I ever think 'oh that's odd' at anything. He never smelled of perfume. He did not have a secret bank account. I managed our money which we were both happy for me to do. He showed zilch signs of having been with another woman. Since his confession I have managed to view his location history on Google. He doesn't know I have done this. He does not know that Google records his location. There was only one irregularity over a period of four years and I am almost certain this was a blip on the GPS as he was located a few streets away in the early hours.
How did he do it?

OP posts:
Whattodowithit88 · 27/09/2023 18:52

Also don’t rule out prostitutes. You’re looking at this from your point of view. A A man’s point of view and reasoning is very different….again, you would be shocked.

66rabbits · 27/09/2023 18:59

Is he good with technology? Is it likely that he'd be tech savvy enough to cover his digital footprint?

Daffodil18 · 27/09/2023 19:00

My ex had no late nights etc and was with me most of the time. His occurred during work time. He had a second phone. He also minimised that it was a random woman. I did eventually find out it was his best friends wife.

Beaverbridge · 27/09/2023 19:07

Work place. Every place I've worked has had numerous affairs going on. Sneaking off at lunch times etc.

WinterDeWinter · 27/09/2023 19:11

Haffiana · 27/09/2023 17:44

Prostitutes. Despite you writing that off. That is why he admitted so quickly to the 'cheating'.

The other clue is you saying He would definately not like handing over money for sex, he would not need to, plus we were almost broke at one point in the past.

This is you misunderstanding why some men go to prostitutes. It isn't because he wouldn't pay for sex and it isn't because he wouldn't 'need to'. It is because he wants to fuck prostitutes. It isn't normal sex that he would have with you or with an affair partner, and it isn't normal sex that he would otherwise never pay for. It is prostitute sex, fucking someone who has no desire to fuck him, someone who he doesn't care about - who he may even hate.

This is a very insightful post.

Men who buy vulnerable women with less economic or social power than they have themselves, do so precisely to feel that power in combination with sexual release. It's not 'just sex' - it's sex with contempt/domination.

Johnisafckface · 27/09/2023 19:31

My friend's BF would stop off at the OW's house on the way home. Didn't take but 30 mins and sometimes less to do the deed. My friend never suspected.

user27092023 · 27/09/2023 22:26

Most likely work. It's where most affairs take place as people spend a lot of time together. He could have easily gone to someone's house during their lunch break. Only messaging during work hours. Having an affair with someone who is not fussed about anything more than sex so she is happy to keep quiet about it, so less chance of being caught.

Bottom line is, he is an idiot and it doesn't really matter why/how/when/what, it will only drive you insane. Divorce him and move on with your life. He wasn't honest when he was sleeping with another woman, so don't expect he will be honest in telling you the truth now.

lap90 · 27/09/2023 22:56

Either work or in your home... even in the car.

You'll go crazy thinking about it OP.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 29/09/2023 09:07

Look on your car sat nav if it has one and see what places have been visited recently

Loyaltothedeath · 06/01/2024 00:47

My wife conducted her affair during the day by having 2 hour lunch breaks and claiming to work Friday afternoons, which I now realise she didn’t. Always happy Friday mornings, I thought it was because it was the end of the week. What a twat I was !

Sadtoday123 · 06/01/2024 03:03

Work time, quickies whilst shopping in the car, popping to see a friend

RhianMor · 06/01/2024 03:16

Internet hookups? My ex was shagging a few locally!

Klcak · 06/01/2024 03:27

The cliche is someone in the office. Easy access, always about.

book a meeting room. Lock it. Especially if it’s a meeting room on another floor.

in the car also

or leave smart phone at office and go on day out with OW, having booked a day of AL you didn’t know about

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/01/2024 03:33

This is a thread from 3 months ago. I'm sure the OP has found out by now.

thebluegiraffe · 06/01/2024 09:08

....and the classic.... switching phone onto 'flight mode' so that it shows that he's not left the office, yet is actually at the local Travelodge ! I know several men who have admitted to this when they have a family tracking app on their phone.

Sartre · 06/01/2024 09:20

He easily could have got a second burner phone for the affair and left his phone behind so the location wouldn’t be tracked. Lots of ways to hide an affair if you’re committed. I’ve heard of men taking annual leave and not telling their partner, telling their partner they’re on a work course but are actually fucking the OW, seeing her on their lunch break.

If it’s someone at work, it’s possible to do it then. I know a colleague of ours had an affair with an (adult) student before I started working there and they fucked in his locked office… I wouldn’t mind but we have glass panels on the doors so they must have tucked away in a corner or something. Nobody snitched on him so he still lectures, I steer clear of the sleazy git.

AgentJohnson · 06/01/2024 09:31

How did he do it?

Only he can tell you that.

Despite having supposed few opportunities, he still found some, what a resourceful man. He endangered your health by engaging in unprotected sex with randoms, urgh!

Loyaltothedeath · 08/01/2024 20:01

I always thought affairs took place in the evening, how stupid of me.
Early morning, lunchtimes and afternoons. Times of the day that are difficult to keep track of unlike evenings, which would immediately raise suspicions.

Tonight1 · 08/01/2024 20:16

@Loyaltothedeath did you stay with your wife? You didn't say ex.

Also with talk of going to prostitutes I remember years ago there was a forum where prostitutes could share info with each other from their perspective, anyone remember what it was called?

IfAIwasfedMN · 08/01/2024 20:21

From experience a fair amount of men will do it anywhere and with anyone. Loos, trains, desks, cars, sheds...I've heard all sorts. The whole point is they think they are cleverer than you, so they take any chance they can and the more random the better. It's all a game to some of them, just point scoring.

ItsBeenRaining · 08/01/2024 20:29

You cannot possibly monitor someone who has the intellegence not to get caught, todays technology simply allows alternative lives.

I think the biggest givaway for infedelity is the feeling that something is off, a shift, a gut feeling, the knowing a change has taken place. Gaining proof though would be exceptionally hard.

And once that shift has occured then all bets are off the table for finding betrayal because those shifts cause a loss of connection, and that loss of connection means they could be betraying all the time, constantly or repeatedly.

Loss of trust, you may as well book them their next shag.

Loyaltothedeath · 08/01/2024 23:16

Hi Tonight1,
No, we are divorced. She conducted the affair over a period of 10 years, it was only when the affair was discovered and I traced back several things that seemed slightly off at the time that I realised it was a full on love affair. They are now together and I’m fairly sure they will marry.

meemawww · 08/01/2024 23:22

Ask my ex husband

Loyaltothedeath · 08/01/2024 23:23

Just as an observation, if a fair amount of men will do it anywhere, who are they doing it with? It must mean a fair amount of women are doing it,too.

ItsBeenRaining · 08/01/2024 23:24

Loyaltothedeath · 08/01/2024 23:16

Hi Tonight1,
No, we are divorced. She conducted the affair over a period of 10 years, it was only when the affair was discovered and I traced back several things that seemed slightly off at the time that I realised it was a full on love affair. They are now together and I’m fairly sure they will marry.

That's a long time, if only for the fact someone having an affair for that length of time you would think she may have left and ended your relationship sooner.

That's a lot of betrayal.

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