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Original poster

Accused of affair and end of friendship

48 replies

Sosoconfused91 · 27/09/2023 08:59

I’ve been accused of having an affair with a male friend, by his wife. We are not having an affair and there has never been any suggestion of anything more than friendship.

She’s now monitoring all his communications and I have been told not to contact him ever. I will do that as I don’t want to cause him any problems in his marriage.

But I will really miss his friendship. How do you move on from this and not miss a great friend? No further contact is definitely the right way to support him in his marriage but the thought of never seeing him again hurts.

OP posts:
thetrainatplatform4 · 27/09/2023 09:38

thought of never seeing him again hurts.

This does sound though like your friendship strayed beyond purely platonic lines or at least had the potential to and obviously this is why his wife is feeling threatened. How much contact were you having with him?? Daily/every few days with a married man is too much IMO

Inthedeep · 27/09/2023 10:27

thetrainatplatform4 · 27/09/2023 09:38

thought of never seeing him again hurts.

This does sound though like your friendship strayed beyond purely platonic lines or at least had the potential to and obviously this is why his wife is feeling threatened. How much contact were you having with him?? Daily/every few days with a married man is too much IMO

Just because someone is going to really miss a friendship and their friend doesn’t mean the relationship has strayed beyond friendship or has the potential to. I have many friendships I’d be very upset to lose, doesn’t mean I have any romantic feelings for them.

I’m so sorry @Sosoconfused91 , this must be a hard time for you and feel very unfair. I imagine they must be going through issues in their marriage and unfortunately you’ve been dragged into it. Long term I can’t see their marriage lasting, either she’s overly jealous and controlling, in which case hopefully he’ll wake up to the fact and leave her or he’s actually given her reasons to be suspicious and he’ll do it again and she’ll leave him. Once trust is gone on either side it’s very hard to get back.

I understand how upsetting it must be for you as he was a close friend, you are bound to feel upset.
Time will help in the end.

VenusInPrimark · 27/09/2023 10:33

One of you or both crossed a line for his wife to do this or if she's so paranoid and you're both genuinely platonic then he needs to focus on sorting out his relationship. Try befriending women or get a pet.

User012345 · 27/09/2023 11:09

What happened that made his wife feel like this?

Original poster
Sosoconfused91 · 27/09/2023 11:36

Nothing happened that I know of @User012345 but perhaps there is a bigger issue in his marriage which he hasn’t discussed with me. Which would be quite correct of course.

OP posts:
RandomForest · 27/09/2023 11:44

In what capacity are you friends ?

Work friends, colleauges, uni friends, old school friends, hobby friends, customer, does she know you or has she only just discovered you exist, were you ever introduced to his wife as a mutual friend.

The context matters.

Cowlover89 · 27/09/2023 11:56

I'm sorry this has happened. X

Original poster
Sosoconfused91 · 27/09/2023 12:02

@RandomForest all part of the same social circle and all originally hobby friends. So she’s known me for many years as part of the hobby group.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 27/09/2023 12:06

If I was him I would be telling the wife no one tells me who I can be friends with, sure if he was up to something fine but if not the wife is being controlling which is not justifiable because she is female and that seems to give women a free pass to have issues

If no one is having an affair then nothing needs to change

Laguerita · 27/09/2023 12:17

thetrainatplatform4 · 27/09/2023 09:38

thought of never seeing him again hurts.

This does sound though like your friendship strayed beyond purely platonic lines or at least had the potential to and obviously this is why his wife is feeling threatened. How much contact were you having with him?? Daily/every few days with a married man is too much IMO

I find this belief so sad, that men and women can’t have genuine, meaningful and important platonic friendships. It is likely this belief that is behind the wife’s position.

I have a few lifelong male friends who I’ve shared a lot with, entirely platonically, who are like brothers and who I would be hurt to lose. Why should anyone relinquish those friendships and stick to their own sex, we are all humans and we can connect on that basis.

Mari9999 · 27/09/2023 12:17

@Sosoconfused91
In a situation where a spouse or partner is so insecure that they are threatened by something innocent and benign , chances are that the relationship is unlikely to last. Not many healthy adults can and is willing to tolerate controlling behavior combined with unfounded accusations.

You can lose contact with friends for various reasons and you survive the loss. The bigger loser is your friend. He is losing a friendship because of someone else's insecurity and jealousy. Perhaps he has strayed in the past or perhaps she does not understand that men and women can have close platonic friendships, but she will learn in time that maybe she can control his behavior but she cannot control his feelings.

Muchkin5 · 27/09/2023 12:21

Sosoconfused91 · 27/09/2023 11:36

Nothing happened that I know of @User012345 but perhaps there is a bigger issue in his marriage which he hasn’t discussed with me. Which would be quite correct of course.

It could be that something has happened to make her suspicious and you are a victim of mistaken identity IYSWIM @Sosoconfused91

It seems strange that it has happened suddenly now when you have been part of the same group for a while.

Perhaps you are the person she thinks most likely he would have an affair with. Perhaps in reality he is cheating on her with another person.

Muchkin5 · 27/09/2023 12:23

WandaWonder · 27/09/2023 12:06

If I was him I would be telling the wife no one tells me who I can be friends with, sure if he was up to something fine but if not the wife is being controlling which is not justifiable because she is female and that seems to give women a free pass to have issues

If no one is having an affair then nothing needs to change

However, if he is cheating on his wife with another person unknown to the OP then the chances of him standing up to his wife and telling her that he will remain friends with the OP is very slender indeed.

If he is feeling guilt then he will subconsciously acquiesce to his wife's demands because he knows he is guilty.

K1nga23 · 27/09/2023 12:25

@Sosoconfused91
I’ve had this happen to me before. Sorry long read but hopefully this will give you an idea.

I was friends with the guy and he confided in me about their relationship problems and her, in my eyes, abusive behaviour. There was never anything going on between us as I am in a relationship myself.
One morning I woke up to a barrage of missed calls and messages on my phone, all from her. Accusing me from trying to “steal” him from her, having a thing about married men, etc etc. I had one message from him apologising about her behaviour.

She kept messaging and calling non stop like a possessed person, even after I had replied that absolutely nothing was going on, nor had we been inappropriate in any way. Turns out that she had interpreted me backing him up and confirming her bad behaviour as an attempt to break them up. I looked back at the messages and she had positively twisted everything around. It was scary and absolutely mental.

I told my boyfriend and even during our conversation my phone kept ringing and buzzing. I even showed him the messages between my friend and I, and he just shook his head and said to just block her and that he’d do the same if she tried to contact him. I did so and had to also block my friend shortly after because she then kept messaging and calling from his phone. It was super scary because she was so crazy but there was absolutely no reasoning with her. At least it confirmed that we’d been right about her being abusive and unhinged.

jlpth · 27/09/2023 12:26

you don’t want her telling people you shagged her husband and she’s had to ban contact. You could become shunned by others.

I would therefore write her a message, saying that she is wrong and that there is no affair. Say you would like to prove it to her however she sees fit. That you are happy to have a coffee with her or tell her your whereabouts on dates she has suspicions. And that there is absolutely no way anything ever took place between you and her husband.

Mari9999 · 27/09/2023 12:34

@jlpth
Sadly, rational steps rarely help with people who are bent on being irrational.

bemorebernard · 27/09/2023 12:38

VenusInPrimark · 27/09/2023 10:33

One of you or both crossed a line for his wife to do this or if she's so paranoid and you're both genuinely platonic then he needs to focus on sorting out his relationship. Try befriending women or get a pet.

What a patronising comment. My god.
Try opening your mind and getting it out of the gutter ?

Muchkin5 · 27/09/2023 12:38

jlpth · 27/09/2023 12:26

you don’t want her telling people you shagged her husband and she’s had to ban contact. You could become shunned by others.

I would therefore write her a message, saying that she is wrong and that there is no affair. Say you would like to prove it to her however she sees fit. That you are happy to have a coffee with her or tell her your whereabouts on dates she has suspicions. And that there is absolutely no way anything ever took place between you and her husband.

I think this is a good idea. It protects the OP's reputation. It also gives his wife a chance to talk about her concerns. But there is an issue with this because if the wife is convinced her husband is being unfaithful and has assumed it is the OP who is the person he is cheating with, then it will be difficult for her to set aside this suspicion and think rationally.
@Sosoconfused91 if you choose to contact her then you are going to need to be extremely composed.

Cola2023 · 27/09/2023 12:40

I always had some platonic male friends but with very clear boundaries.

A few years ago, one said his gf thought I was interested in him. I definitely wasn't, so started to avoid him. A year later, he would still message (I rarely responded) then asked if I was single. I blocked him.

Now I generally only speak to and spend time with female friends. I have one genuine male friend but I've known him for 15 years and often meet him with his gf.

medianewbie · 27/09/2023 12:45

I was in a similar situation. My very 'old friends' wife has decided we can never meet again (we'd had an annual lunch at a museum for years). I've accepted this (he needs to put his marriage 1st). We text occasionally (mostly from his end). But I've lost some respect for him (either he's been unfaithful before, or he's got undeclared feelings for me or his wife is paranoid but any which way I feel I've been misrepresented as 'more than' a friend which I'm not thrilled about) I'm sad but better out of it tbh.

SirCharlesRainier · 27/09/2023 12:50

thetrainatplatform4 · 27/09/2023 09:38

thought of never seeing him again hurts.

This does sound though like your friendship strayed beyond purely platonic lines or at least had the potential to and obviously this is why his wife is feeling threatened. How much contact were you having with him?? Daily/every few days with a married man is too much IMO

What a bizarre attitude. I've got lots of friends about whom I'd be sad if I suddenly found I could never see them again.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 27/09/2023 12:50

Maybe it seemed that you were having an emotional affair, if he had mentionitis. If you saw a lot of each other and were very close, perhaps that's why his wife became suspicious/jealous. IMO it's important to be very careful when developing a friendship with a married man, in case you intrude upon the marriage.

Amonthinthecountry · 27/09/2023 12:54

I’m sorry you’ve lost you friend. This happened to my Mum! It was completely bonkers. She had no interest in the guy and was actually better friends with his wife. The way she spoke to my Mum, there was just no coming back from and my Mum hasn’t spoken to either of them in a decade.

PennyForearm · 27/09/2023 12:59

Very odd that they’ve been friends with you for years, and now this has come totally out of the blue.

The chances are he is having an affair but she’s got the wrong woman, or there’s something in the way he communicates with or talks about you, that has set off her gut feeling.

It’s highly unlikely that after knowing and being friends with you for years she’s suddenly turned into a paranoid controlling wife demanding he cuts all contact, for no reason.

Sunshinenrain · 27/09/2023 12:59

This happened to me.

It was really difficult as we were both doing the same teacher training together and then both got jobs and it was nice being able to have a moan or ask questions about things.

There was never any hint of flirting or inappropriate conversations. It was mainly about assignments/teaching practice and then occasionally about what we got up to on the weekend etc.

But his wife said he’s not allowed to have female friends and not allowed to contact each other.

I thought she was absolutely mad and I’d say it’s a controlling relationship but I’ve seen plenty of women post on here that their partners aren’t allowed female friends.
My female friend is not allowed male friends either and I definitely think it’s controlling.