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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Accused of affair and end of friendship

48 replies

Sosoconfused91 · 27/09/2023 08:59

I’ve been accused of having an affair with a male friend, by his wife. We are not having an affair and there has never been any suggestion of anything more than friendship.

She’s now monitoring all his communications and I have been told not to contact him ever. I will do that as I don’t want to cause him any problems in his marriage.

But I will really miss his friendship. How do you move on from this and not miss a great friend? No further contact is definitely the right way to support him in his marriage but the thought of never seeing him again hurts.

OP posts:

K1nga23 · 27/09/2023 13:01

The sad thing is that many responses here would be very different if the genders were reversed..

Grumpyold · 27/09/2023 13:02

I'm sorry, but I've have been in your position, desperately convincing myself it was just friends, but I'd say his wife has called this one right.

BethDuttonsTwin · 27/09/2023 13:04

She's uncomfortable and she's drawn boundaries as women are so often advised to do on here. Let him prioritise his marriage. That's what a friend would do.

Blinkityblonk · 27/09/2023 13:05

Ultimately this is his issue to sort, I'd feel sorry for him as a friend and just try to accept that, for many reasons, friendships do move on. I've had a few friends that I've lost over the years, not for any particular reason, just moved away, and I'm quite good at keeping friends! So, I think be a bit miffed, tell her once by text there's absolutely no way you had an affair and then let him sort out his marriage. I wouldn't allow someone to dictate to me whether I had male/female friends but it's up to him to push back and be normal about it, not you.

Grumpyold · 27/09/2023 13:06

Remember you're probably not hearing the full truth from him either. He may have decided it's best for everyone to stop seeing you but it suits him to let you believe it's his "controlling" wife.

jojo1717 · 27/09/2023 13:17

It's very sad. At this point for you, but I doubt there are any winners. Maybe he fancied you a bit more than just a friend, but was going to just let it fade off by itself rather than persuing anything more ever. She may have sensed his his initial raw feelings and let her imagination go wild instead of trusting him he could manage this.

It must hurt him, too, being accused like this. She can't control his mind forever and there will likely be more such examples where she tries this, about cheating phantasies or just about controlling his use of time or money or whatever else, but how much mistrust can a partner absorb without losing the will to keep his marriage alive?

There's probably a deep insecurity on the side of the wife rather than her wanting to do any harm. It would be good if she could see the risk that this could backfire.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 27/09/2023 13:42

I’m sorry that really sucks :(

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 27/09/2023 13:53

He may be considerably more fond of you than you realise, and she's noticed.

skyeisthelimit · 27/09/2023 14:24

I would be worried that you could be cast out by the rest of your social circle if you don't do something to address this.

I would also contact her and make it very clear that nothing is going on and ask her why she thinks there is.

If you have unknowingly crossed a line then apologise and move on

If she has no specific reason but is just a jealous type then there is not much that you can do about it.

Read your old messages and see if there is anything that could be read the wrong way?

Original poster

Sosoconfused91 · 27/09/2023 14:49

Thanks all. I’ve told her calmly and politely that there is nothing going on. I don’t want to continue dialogue with her about it tbh. I am sure there’s nothing in terms of inappropriate intention from his side- he’s always saying how much he loves her. It’s all just crazy.

OP posts:

Amonthinthecountry · 27/09/2023 17:49

@Sunshinenrain Totally agree. I find it bewildering. My DH has some really lovely friends who are women and it’s never been a problem. In fact, there are some who I’ve basically stolen off him as I’m better at staying in touch with people than he is.

thetrainatplatform4 · 27/09/2023 20:12

I should say I have had lots of male platonic friends in my lifetime so I'm perfectly aware lots of people can have friendships which don't stray past boundaries

That being said the OP hasn't actually said how much contact she has had with this chap - daily / weekly / monthly - which is it?? I don't think having daily contact with a married man no matter how close a friend they are to me is appropriate to be honest

Blinkityblonk · 27/09/2023 21:39

I agree, my husband always has had female friends, and goes out for the occasional coffee or even dinner, and it's not a big deal as he doesn't make it a big deal and he's not putting his energies into them and not me. Hence, him having women friends is not an issue. This may well be the case here though, the OP may have been entirely appropriate, I had a friend who dropped most contact for a couple of decades due to his wife hating his female friends, but they are divorced now. We did keep some contact though, but very occasionally.

MissTrip82 · 27/09/2023 21:54

If you’ve known her for years and there’s been no problem, I’m surprised you jump to her being ‘crazy’.

Far more likely there’s something somewhere that’s triggered this after all this time.

LucieLemon · 27/09/2023 22:07

I had an ex who's best friend was female, they would often go for lunch or exchange messages. They had been friends for years with a couple of shared hobbies. She lived with her long term partner and kids. All fine, no problem.

Couple of years into our relationship and he pops out the room for something or other, leaving his pc long enough that it went into screensaver mode. Up comes photo after photo of his best friend, head/face shots, all pretty innocent snaps but he'd been saving them onto his computer. Turns out he was besotted with her, completely in love. She didn't have a clue, completely one sided. I don't believe he had any intention of acting on it, he certainly never tried his luck or hinted at it to his friend. But it was there and ultimately led to us splitting up.

I just wonder whether there is any chance it could be a similar scenario?

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 27/09/2023 22:21

If a woman posted on here that her dh had demanded she not have anything to do with certain male friends and was accusing her of having an affair not one person would be telling her she’d clearly crossed boundaries; that her dh was right; that he probably had a point, and she would be advised to leave him.

yet a woman is making similar demands and the assumption is automatically that he’s in the wrong and the OP is complicit and the woman is right.

MN double standards abound as usual.

I have many male frends some who I’ve been friends with since school. If my dp started to tell me who I could and couldn’t be friends with I’d start making the cut-off at him and he would be gone.

LucieLemon · 27/09/2023 22:28

Just wondered whether there was something behind the wife's actions being as they've been friends for years, something that the OP may have had no idea of.

RandomForest · 27/09/2023 22:29

all part of the same social circle and all originally hobby friends. So
she’s known me for many years as part of the hobby group.

No further contact is definitely the right way to support him in his marriage but the thought of never seeing him again hurts.

Will it not hurt to not see her again, seeing as you're all part of the same social group ?

Mari9999 · 27/09/2023 22:51

@BeenThereDoneThat101
I think it is because so many women have very little imagination. They canned imagine a world where men an women can be friends. A lot of these dame unimaginative women will loudly proclaim " my husband or partner is my best friend " but in reality they have no idea of what a real friendship between a man and a woman looks like. For them, the only thing that can happen between a man and a woman is sex. Unfortunately, that speaks volumes about what they think of themselves as women. They are in effect saying that they could not have a close friendship with a man without cheating.

If the wife in question had boundaries around cheating it would necessarily be " I will not live with a man who cheats. " When of if her partner or spouse cheats he has not violated her boundaries. Instead, she has failed to respect her own boundaries if she stays in the relationship. If she stays her anger should be directed towards herself rather than the partner or the OW because they did not violate her boundaries, instead she failed to adhere to her own boundaries.

noodlezoodle · 27/09/2023 23:26

Happened to me with a close work friend. It turned out that SHE had had numerous affairs and presumably couldn't imagine having a platonic friendship with a member of the opposite sex!

K1nga23 · 28/09/2023 06:35

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 27/09/2023 22:21

yet a woman is making similar demands and the assumption is automatically that he’s in the wrong and the OP is complicit and the woman is right.

MN double standards abound as usual.

So true

Laguerita · 28/09/2023 08:21

K1nga23 · 28/09/2023 06:35

So true

Show quote history

Don’t think that that’s the majority sentiment on this thread actually!

K1nga23 · 28/09/2023 08:24

Laguerita · 28/09/2023 08:21

Don’t think that that’s the majority sentiment on this thread actually!

Show quote history

Which is exactly the reason why Beentheredonethat pointed out the double standard

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