Will these qualities effect him being a good dad in the future?

[amanda2k4]

I have a fiancé that is GREAT with his niece and nephew, patient, makes an effort to see them a lot, helps them ride there bikes, spends money on them, and generally seems good with them for eg once the niece had a tantrum he look her off and carried her for an hour/was patient to calm her down etc.

Now, he IS NOT patient with anything else in life, eg, me, work, driving, etc. Generally admits he has a low tolerance for 'BS'. Another thing that concerns me, is he smokes weed occasionally (few times a week) and on these times he wakes up really grouchy. On the weekends, he will sleep from midnight until 10/11am and blames having a job where he is on his feet all day, but I believe it is the weed making him sleep more. Me on the other hand, prefer getting up early, 8/9am going for a nice walk with the dogs and getting out and about. He says I can always do these things without him, which is true, but obviously not the same. I haven't seen him run out of patience around kids, but then again, he is only with them for a day max.

My worry, is that, having kids - the one thing that goes out the window is SLEEP. and the main thing you need is PATIENCE. He says it will be different because they will be HIS kids that HE WANTED and he will WANT to wake up early to take them out etc etc. I really cannot see him waking up to do night feeds etc, when he gets really snappy and moody whenever stress comes into his life, or he has broken sleep, for eg he had a 4 hour overnight flight he didn't sleep on and did not want to talk to anyone (otherwise an argument would of happened) because he was so tired he had to go straight to sleep etc.

I guess my question is - what qualities did you see in your husband prior to kids that made you think he would be a good father/or mums - what qualities do you know appreciate/wish you had/most important for a father to your children?

Are your parents proud you plan on marrying a druggie op?
Do you want a dc smelling of weed with a paranoid df in it's life?
Get rid of him.

Don't have a child with this man run now

Most important qualities were hard working, patience and will to compromise.
Drug use would have been an absolute no for me!

I can say DONT DO IT.

mu child’s dad is a weed smoker has been for 20 odd years however opposite slightly in terms of sleep and energy he could be up at 4:30 every day bhr asleep by 9:30/10pm. He has energy and works a physical manual job. He only has patience for his 10 year old and even looses that from time to time but in the sense of telling him to do something with an attitude rather than asking for the 3rd time.

i had a child with him. He has 0 tolerance or patience because she isn’t able to communicate can’t handle her crying can’t handle nothing however would comfort her if she was really upset but often got huffy when she was crying through tiredness or something. I got my own place away from the grumpy ass and we’ve not stayed together since June.

don’t do it. It will be the worst thing you ever do

he smokes weed occasionally (few times a week)

Oxymoronic

In answer to your question, yes.

This man has already shown you that he can CHOOSE to have patience/be active/be supportive etc when he WANTS to. I'd hazard a guess it's when it makes him look like a good person in front of others.

He's also shown you that he's CHOOSING not to make that same effort with you. He's shown you who he is quite clearly. Take heed and dump his sorry arse.

No way would I have children with this man as things stand. If he wants children he gets his life in order now. And he is happy to demonstrate fully that he has made these changes because having children is not a game and it's a really big deal. So no more dope, no more opting out of responsibility, no more rising to stress by snapping, road rage etc. The truth is though unless he is very young (still in the stage where lots of lads are immature arses) he likely won't change. And if he is 30+ and still pissing about like this, then no he is a lost cause and you should not ever have children with him.

Please, just step away from him, he is not father material at all, he isn't even dependable long term equal partner relationship material.
You deserve better so go get it.

Interesting to hear it from someone with actual experience in this too! I sent you a DM! Did you notice anything else change once kids come along? Did it not get better with time the older she got? How often did he smoke? Sorry you are going through that

What's in it for you OP?

Ignoring the kids for a minute....why do you want to be with a man who behaves like a 15 year old? What's wrong with your self esteem?

A few times a week isn't occasional, it's frequent! Occasional in my eyes would be once a month or less.

This would be a deal breaker for me OP. Not only the drug use and the sleep thing, but also the bit where you say he is impatient with you. Don't you think you deserve to be with someone kind and caring?

OP this guy has terrible qualities in regard to having children. Grouchy and impatient (without kids to drive you insane! Because they do!) is a bad sign. He will get worse with a kid around. Never take how a man is with nieces/nephews/etc as ANY indication of how they'll be with their own kids - the extreme stress of raising your own kids who are with you 24/7/365 bears no resemblance to babysitting someone else's kids for a day.
This guy has A LOT of growing up to do - he may never ever do it.

Thats a good point - I didn't think of that, that he is choosing when to have patience and when not too. He does seem like he genuinely enjoys spending time with the kids, but your right clearly i am not worthy of his patience which makes me even angrier. I noticed he is perfectly fine around friends and family too...

Thanks! He is definitely hard working - and providing, but I feel like he would use this as an out to do less with kids, but blaming him working hard FOR the kids.
He has a hard time compromising too....

I have a fiancé

He needs to be your ex-fiancé.

The other one would be that he was truly loving and always putting me first. Now, he puts us all before himself.
Good luck, you have a big decision to make

What you see is what you get.

Moody sulky grouchy druggie.

You can do better.

This!

He is already showing you who he is. All the 'it'll be fine when it's my kids' is just to fob you off.

Well, I don't have experience of marrying or having a children with a drug user.

But there's a reason for that, OP... it wasn't just a happy coincidence. It was a conscious choice.

But, as a very minimum requirement - don't get married to or have children with someone who is impatient grumpy and sleeps half the day away. He won't suddenly improve once children come along. The children will be his excuse for being even less patient, more grumpy and needing more sleep and time to himself.

Is that really what you want for yourself?

Oh and I agree with the poster who talked about choice. If he isn't like this with others, he is choosing to be like it with you and its easy to be good with a niece when you know you can hand her back and not have to deal with it all the time.

He says it will be different because they will be HIS kids that HE WANTED

But but but... you're HIS fiancée that he WANTED in his life, aren't you?

BTW I have no experience of druggies (for the same reasons as @GreyCarpet ), but what I can tell you from my personal experience is that having a child doesn't miraculously make all the things you really can't admire in a man go away. I imagine some do step up massively when they become fathers, but for fuck's sake don't rely on this happening.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar uncompromising behaviour from parents?.

He needs to become your ex fiance given all these red flags around him; flags that you have miniminsed greatly to your cost. This is who he is and marriage is not going to change him either. He will further up the power and control here against you. And as GreyCrapet writes the children will be his excuse for being even less patient, more grumpy, needing more sleep and time to himself.

And having him as a father will be no life for his children either.

If he's smoking weed that won't stop. It impacts on children and my DD used to know when some of the children in her class had spent the weekend with a weed user because it affects them too, for several days.

If you consider what would happen if you have children and then your relationship breaks down, with 50/50 custody this will be your kids.

Currently YOU have choice, they won't.

Absolutely not! The substance abuse in itself has a multitude of issues as PP have stated.

For me main red flags:

1. He will do it because it’s his child.

One great way to build up resentment for anything Is having to make a megga lifestyle change as a result. I personally think you should already be in the mindset/ routine that a child will slip comfortably into. Now I wasnt there getting up 1-2 times a night but it will be a culture shock to anyone who isn’t used to being up before 11am. People who TALK about how they will change won’t change. Actions speak louder than words.

2.Leaves you to do thing in your own because you can.
Well you can raise a child on your own then can’t you? Single parents do it all the time. That logic which you seem to accept could lead to a very toxic parenting dynamic for the both of you.

anyone can be patient and play the part with a child that hasn’t been tantrumming at them ever day for the past 3 years, please do not base anything on that. Base it on the day to day behaviours you see in a person, because when you are both sleep deprived anxious parents if a new born, that’s the person you are going to get.

I don’t mean this to be a bash on you because absolutely no relationship is perfect, nor is any partner and nor is anyone the perfect parent. But you really need to be the best versions of yourselves to bring a new life into the world and it’s seems as though you yourself don’t believe he is. Children are a privilege not a right!

Great point!