Will these qualities effect him being a good dad in the future?

[amanda2k4]

I have a fiancé that is GREAT with his niece and nephew, patient, makes an effort to see them a lot, helps them ride there bikes, spends money on them, and generally seems good with them for eg once the niece had a tantrum he look her off and carried her for an hour/was patient to calm her down etc.

Now, he IS NOT patient with anything else in life, eg, me, work, driving, etc. Generally admits he has a low tolerance for 'BS'. Another thing that concerns me, is he smokes weed occasionally (few times a week) and on these times he wakes up really grouchy. On the weekends, he will sleep from midnight until 10/11am and blames having a job where he is on his feet all day, but I believe it is the weed making him sleep more. Me on the other hand, prefer getting up early, 8/9am going for a nice walk with the dogs and getting out and about. He says I can always do these things without him, which is true, but obviously not the same. I haven't seen him run out of patience around kids, but then again, he is only with them for a day max.

My worry, is that, having kids - the one thing that goes out the window is SLEEP. and the main thing you need is PATIENCE. He says it will be different because they will be HIS kids that HE WANTED and he will WANT to wake up early to take them out etc etc. I really cannot see him waking up to do night feeds etc, when he gets really snappy and moody whenever stress comes into his life, or he has broken sleep, for eg he had a 4 hour overnight flight he didn't sleep on and did not want to talk to anyone (otherwise an argument would of happened) because he was so tired he had to go straight to sleep etc.

I guess my question is - what qualities did you see in your husband prior to kids that made you think he would be a good father/or mums - what qualities do you know appreciate/wish you had/most important for a father to your children?

Two things: playing with someone else's kids for short periods of time is no indication that you will be a good parent. I actually generally don't particularly like children. I have never gone out of my way to interact with anyone else's children voluntarily. They just don't interest me and I only do it to be polite. I have two primary aged dc of my own who I am a perfectly good parent to. Playing with someone else's child isn't the same as parenting your own. Actually, the three people in my life who are the best at having fun and being amazing 'aunts' and 'uncles' to my dc are all childfree by choice. They are great probably because they have the energy to do it for brief stints and then know they can get back to their childfree lives.

But I also don't necessarily think that someone's lifestyle before children is an indication of how good/shit they'll be as a parent, as long as they accept that it will have to change. Dh and I were huge party animals, sleeping in til 11am every weekend, out at the pub 4-5 days a week, backpacking all around the world before we had dc. We adjusted just fine because it was the expectation that, of course, we would need to. It doesn't mean we never slept in til 11am again or that we never stayed out at the pub again after kids, but times had to change. I think it's more about if he accepts that life will be different when kids come around and if he feels he's gotten it out of his system.

I would walk away now. You've given several reasons why he won't make a good partner or father.

Please walk away or you'll be back here in a year or so posting about your lazy useless man and how you're on your knees with exhaustion as he won't help with baby.
Have an ex fiance.

If you want this man to be your partner, crack on, but please think about whether this is the best father you can offer your future children.
nothing gets easier when you have children. It strains parents as individuals and puts massive pressure on the relationship.
does he see his drug use as compatible with good parenting? Can you have a conversation about that? If not, why not? I guarantee it is much much harder to parent than to be an uncle. He will be less patient, not more. He will use his need for sleep to get out of taking turns and you will be exhausted. It will cause massive friction. He has shown his needs come first.
you are posting here because you have doubts, please listen to them. Your kids don’t want you to compromise on this.

‘What you see is what you get.

Moody sulky grouchy druggie.’

exactly. It’s hardly aspirational. Why would anyone want to inflict a sulking druggie on a kid?