Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been told to “fuck off” tonight.

44 replies

CTET · 26/09/2023 20:51

On the whole, my husband and I have a great relationship and what I thought was a respectful one.

We usually eat the same foods together each night at the dinner table and my son self-feeds. At the moment, my 16-month-old son has HFNM and is fussy with feeding as no doubt his mouth is sore so I've been giving him smoother, mild-tasting foods and he's been sitting on my lap eating during this time. No biggie, he will be back in his highchair once he's better - he just needs a bit of comfort for now.

My husband kept saying “are you going back in your highchair” until eventually I relented and put him in, of course, he started crying hysterically so I took him out but he still had a meltdown. I'm comforting him at this time and my husband is nearby in the kitchen. When he calmed down, I said “Did we really need to do this battle tonight when he's not well? It's not gonna hurt for a couple nights” my husband responded with “fuck off, don't you dare blame me” Im shocked he reacted this way as we don't talk to each other like that. I said “I'm just saying, pick battles, we didn't need to do this. I'm not placing blame and please don't tell me to fuck off” - that was that and we got on with the day. He didn't apologise.

Baby is now asleep and he's out playing football and I feel really cross about it. I'm not one for confrontation and I do tend to let things go to keep the peace as my husband can be stubborn and petulant but I don't feel good about what went down.

Not sure what I'm after by posting this, a bit of advice, a calm word of reassurance - I don't know but I needed a safe space to share.

Thank you x

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 26/09/2023 20:55

On the whole, my husband and I have a great relationship and what I thought was a respectful one

I do tend to let things go to keep the peace as my husband can be stubborn and petulant

sounds like you have a great relationship when you know your place and dont step out of line.

OnAir · 26/09/2023 21:01

Leave the bastard.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/09/2023 21:04

My husband would never speak to me like that and I would implore anyone in a relationship to have that as a basic standard, how dare he.

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 26/09/2023 21:05

I can really relate to this OP, my partner and I have a similar relationship, respectful and generally calm and we try to be nice to each other despite the day-to-day stresses and exhaustion that come with being a SAHM to x2 lively children and him having a highly pressurised stressful job.

However, if he’s in a really bad mood, and whatever disagreement we are having escalates he will very very occasionally say the same to me , ‘Fxxx off’ or for ‘F’s sake’ and it really stings. When things have calmed down I’ve said to him previously please please don’t talk to me like that, and I won’t to him. I can’t stand swearing being used in a verbal slanging match against each other, it makes me feel horrible.

Shoxfordian · 26/09/2023 21:05

Doesn’t sound like he respects you at all

Why did you even move your baby instead of saying I’m holding him whilst he’s unwell or something?

goodkidsmaadhouse · 26/09/2023 21:07

Sorry OP but that's really horrible - not just that he'd speak to you that way but that it would come seemingly out of nowhere, that he didn't apologise, and that he's giving you a hard time for comforting HIS poorly baby.

Ilovelurchers · 26/09/2023 21:08

I think it's hard to answer this because it kind of depends how it's said, how sweary you both are generally etc.

I would tell partner, friends and family to "fuck off" completely humourously, and also as an expression of mild annoyance/incredulity, because I swear a lot, as do most people I know. If I said it to someone I loved it wouldn't be a massive deal, unless I said it with real venom, or yelled it.

It's how it has made YOU feel that's important tho op. You were there, you heard the tone he used, etc.

How are you feeling now? And what would you like to happen?

INeedAnotherName · 26/09/2023 21:11

and I do tend to let things go to keep the peace as my husband can be stubborn and petulant.

You don't have a good relationship, you have an unequal one where you keep giving in. Does he ever compromise or is it on his terms only?

Lavender14 · 26/09/2023 21:11

I hate swearing at someone. Don't mind swearing in general just not at someone so I'd be raging too. I think when he gets home you have a calm discussion about what happened and id definitely want him to apologise. When a child is sick it can be really stressful for both parents so it may be that he's been feeling very on edge and took it out on you. Not acceptable regardless but he needs to reflect and apologise.

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 26/09/2023 21:16

(And my partner did apologise and promise not to swear at me again. I think that’s the minimum you should be expecting here and when you talk about it he may be able to explain why he was so awful to you)

MartyFunkhouser · 26/09/2023 21:20

Sounds awful.

A good relationship does not involve speaking to your partner like that. It’s unthinkable to me. Imagine if that continues as your child gets older.

Quartz2208 · 26/09/2023 21:26

Why did he keep asking your 16 month old are you going to go back in the high chair? Total control there that he wanted his I’ll son to be where he wanted and thought he should be,

Dacadactyl · 26/09/2023 21:29

Well I've told my husband to fuck off on occasion and hes said it to me on occasion too.

Kids and families are stressful. If this is out of character and not an ongoing pattern of speaking to you in such a manner, I'd be expecting an apology and then draw a line under it.

Theunamedcat · 26/09/2023 21:30

If it was so important for them to be in the chair why didn't he do it? Why make YOU upset the child?

rwalker · 26/09/2023 21:38

Dacadactyl · 26/09/2023 21:29

Well I've told my husband to fuck off on occasion and hes said it to me on occasion too.

Kids and families are stressful. If this is out of character and not an ongoing pattern of speaking to you in such a manner, I'd be expecting an apology and then draw a line under it.

This

Startrekkeruniverse · 26/09/2023 21:41

Dacadactyl · 26/09/2023 21:29

Well I've told my husband to fuck off on occasion and hes said it to me on occasion too.

Kids and families are stressful. If this is out of character and not an ongoing pattern of speaking to you in such a manner, I'd be expecting an apology and then draw a line under it.

Same, I’ve been guilty of telling my DH to fuck off and vice versa. It’s just the heat of the moment sometimes and doesn’t make someone the devil unless it’s part of a much bigger picture of someone being an arse.

MardyBra · 26/09/2023 21:41

What is HFNM?
Your H is being a dick btw

WowOK · 26/09/2023 21:46

MardyBra · 26/09/2023 21:41

What is HFNM?
Your H is being a dick btw

Edited

Hand foot and mouth I'm guessing.

Mmhmmn · 26/09/2023 21:48

@Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon don't beg someone who tells you to fuck off not to speak to you like that.

To anyone being told to fuck off by their partner - tell them if it ever happens again you'll be glad to - and be prepared to follow up on it.

MardyBra · 26/09/2023 21:49

WowOK · 26/09/2023 21:46

Hand foot and mouth I'm guessing.

Show quote history

Thanks. (Wouldn’t that be HFAM?)

Mmhmmn · 26/09/2023 21:59

"and I do tend to let things go to keep the peace as my husband can be stubborn and petulant."

It's not your fault if he insists on being stubborn and petulant an arsehole but don't let things go to keep the peace. For one thing, he'll just keep doing it or get worse through a lack of respect for you, and for another you'll build up so much resentment from not addressing stuff that it'll be bad for your health. It's pants but necessary for self-preservation.

Debini · 26/09/2023 22:15

I would definitely be asking for a proper apology, it’s not ok for him to talk to you like that and he needs to realise it.

Sunshinenrain · 26/09/2023 22:30

I said “Did we really need to do this battle tonight when he's not well? It's not gonna hurt for a couple nights”

He shouldn’t have told you to fuck off but it sounds like you were trying to goad him into an argument.

Why is him telling your son to go back into his high chair what you class as a battle?
Surely he was saying it for your benefit.

Floribundaflummery · 26/09/2023 22:37

It’s an appalling way to speak to you and I would definitely want an apology and assurance he won’t ever speak to you like that again and to follow through. Also he’s worryingly unempathetic to your DC so hope that’s not a pattern and was just one off stressful day. I’m sorry it would deeply upset me.

GilbertMarkham · 27/09/2023 00:33

Sunshinenrain · 26/09/2023 22:30

I said “Did we really need to do this battle tonight when he's not well? It's not gonna hurt for a couple nights”

He shouldn’t have told you to fuck off but it sounds like you were trying to goad him into an argument.

Why is him telling your son to go back into his high chair what you class as a battle?
Surely he was saying it for your benefit.

Not likely from a "stubborn and petulant" manchild who tells his wife and mother of his kids to fuck off and than pisses off out to footie without apologising.

I doubt he does anything much for her benefit.

More like he's domineering and thought the kid should be in the high chair/thought he was being molly coddled or suchlike. Poor kid.