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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been told to “fuck off” tonight.

44 replies

CTET · 26/09/2023 20:51

On the whole, my husband and I have a great relationship and what I thought was a respectful one.

We usually eat the same foods together each night at the dinner table and my son self-feeds. At the moment, my 16-month-old son has HFNM and is fussy with feeding as no doubt his mouth is sore so I've been giving him smoother, mild-tasting foods and he's been sitting on my lap eating during this time. No biggie, he will be back in his highchair once he's better - he just needs a bit of comfort for now.

My husband kept saying “are you going back in your highchair” until eventually I relented and put him in, of course, he started crying hysterically so I took him out but he still had a meltdown. I'm comforting him at this time and my husband is nearby in the kitchen. When he calmed down, I said “Did we really need to do this battle tonight when he's not well? It's not gonna hurt for a couple nights” my husband responded with “fuck off, don't you dare blame me” Im shocked he reacted this way as we don't talk to each other like that. I said “I'm just saying, pick battles, we didn't need to do this. I'm not placing blame and please don't tell me to fuck off” - that was that and we got on with the day. He didn't apologise.

Baby is now asleep and he's out playing football and I feel really cross about it. I'm not one for confrontation and I do tend to let things go to keep the peace as my husband can be stubborn and petulant but I don't feel good about what went down.

Not sure what I'm after by posting this, a bit of advice, a calm word of reassurance - I don't know but I needed a safe space to share.

Thank you x

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 27/09/2023 00:35

Your relationship sounds unequal and unhealthy.

That's verbal abuse.

And how often does he battle about things re your kids.

OnAir · 27/09/2023 00:52

He told her to fuck off once now he's abusive and she should pack her marriage in. I can't be the only one that thinks this is an overreaction...

Mumneedshelp10 · 27/09/2023 01:15

Thats really horrible behaviour, one without respect. I can totally relate.
I have a partner of 10 years. We started off building our lives together as a team. He had his morning moods then, but never like he has in recent years. He makes fun of me in front of others, quick to tell all my pitfalls, even take picture of things I do wrong, not a word of kindness, and constant blame and accusation. The only way through this is speaking to him that I dont like this, but nothing is going through without an arguement which i tend to avoid. its worth discussing one day (like in your situation) how to stop the disrespectful behaviour and how this will impact the kids.

Fallingthroughclouds · 27/09/2023 01:44

Can't believe someone said leave the bastard for a cross word. Yeah leave the man you love when you have a 6mth year old child 🙄

He was being totally unreasonable amd it was completely unwarranted, but unless it is a regular or becomes a regular occurrence then I would try and right it off. No excuse but possibly exhausted or stressed about work. We can all be dicks sometimes, sorry you were on the receiving end.

Fallingthroughclouds · 27/09/2023 01:44

16

Mumontherunn · 27/09/2023 02:44

Having a toddler is stressful, especially a poorly one, and my DH and I have definitely sworn before when things have been heightened. Of course he shouldn’t have told you to f off but if it’s out of character give him the benefit of the doubt this time and try and move on. I’m sure he feels bad and will apologise when he gets home or has a chance to reflect. Toddlers are exhausting

HoneyBadgerMom · 27/09/2023 02:49

I have issues with being told to F off. My H said that to me when our son was 18 months, he's 14 now. It was "F you, HBM, F you!"

To this day, I remember his face, I remember his tone, and I know that nothing else he's ever said to me has been as true as that. That is how he really feels about me, and it's colored the way I view our entire marriage. Our son will graduate in a few years and go to college, and I will let him go find someone he can actually respect.

So yeah, I think it's a big deal. Everyone is different and especially if that is something he's said before, it might be different. But I think anger, sadness and alcohol reveal true feelings (in vino veritas). If you believe, in your heart, that he was really just upset in the moment, something that is entirely possible, then you know how significant this is or isn't. I can tell you, though, that spending now over a decade just waiting for him to leave is less than ideal. Take a step back and really consider.

YRGAM · 28/09/2023 07:48

Fallingthroughclouds · 27/09/2023 01:44

Can't believe someone said leave the bastard for a cross word. Yeah leave the man you love when you have a 6mth year old child 🙄

He was being totally unreasonable amd it was completely unwarranted, but unless it is a regular or becomes a regular occurrence then I would try and right it off. No excuse but possibly exhausted or stressed about work. We can all be dicks sometimes, sorry you were on the receiving end.

It's easy to tell a stranger to uproot their entire lives. I don't think a lot of posters really think about what they're saying at times

OnAir · 28/09/2023 08:00

I was being sarcastic Mumsnet typically over reacts to things like this and is inundated with people telling ops that they are being abused and should leave 🙄 any minor event that takes place the go to response on here is to leave the bastard. I was just getting in there first 😂

GrumpyPanda · 28/09/2023 08:03

Fallingthroughclouds · 27/09/2023 01:44

Can't believe someone said leave the bastard for a cross word. Yeah leave the man you love when you have a 6mth year old child 🙄

He was being totally unreasonable amd it was completely unwarranted, but unless it is a regular or becomes a regular occurrence then I would try and right it off. No excuse but possibly exhausted or stressed about work. We can all be dicks sometimes, sorry you were on the receiving end.

Except OP has already made it clear he's got a pattern of anger management issues. The swearing may so far be a one off, but the underlying issue's going to be much harder to fix. Especially given that OP herself is conflict averse.

Fallingthroughclouds · 28/09/2023 08:37

OnAir · 28/09/2023 08:00

I was being sarcastic Mumsnet typically over reacts to things like this and is inundated with people telling ops that they are being abused and should leave 🙄 any minor event that takes place the go to response on here is to leave the bastard. I was just getting in there first 😂

🤣

Fallingthroughclouds · 28/09/2023 08:38

@OnAir too late she's already filed for divorce 😆

Marshall564 · 28/09/2023 08:47

Glad that OP's distress has given you two a laugh.

OnAir · 28/09/2023 08:57

Marshall564 · 28/09/2023 08:47

Glad that OP's distress has given you two a laugh.

If being told to fuck off is enough to cause you that much distress please don't leave the house, it's wild out there.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 28/09/2023 09:29

I'm not one for confrontation and I do tend to let things go to keep the peace as my husband can be stubborn and petulant

It's not your fault he acts this way, but I wouldn't let stubborn petulance go all the time. Keeping the peace isn't one person duty to suck up shit from the other. Stubborn and petulant men do tend to seek out women who will allow them to keep being stubborn and petulant and they don't improve with fatherhood or age.

Having kids often exacerbates character traits that were present but previously kept more in check. If you can't talk to him about this, if you don't feel safe doing it, if he doesn't care about how he speaks to you and how it makes you feel, the problem is only going to get worse.

Bobbotgegrinch · 28/09/2023 10:19

If my partner ever told me to Fuck off in anger I'd be letting them know that that is the only time they get to do that.

The next time, I'd be ending the relationship.

GilbertMarkham · 28/09/2023 11:41

OnAir · 28/09/2023 08:57

If being told to fuck off is enough to cause you that much distress please don't leave the house, it's wild out there.

Show quote history

Your partnership and home is supposed to be a haven from "out there".

And I dunno where you live and the sort of ppl you associate with but I don't know anybody - except scumbags - who acts like that, to strangers or their nearest and dearest

OnAir · 28/09/2023 12:24

Lol. I'm with the husband it's all very precious, it's a word which was probably said in a moment of anger not something to divorce over or to be that offended by in my opinion. I imagine you have a perfect marriage. Not being offended by a word doesnt make me a scumbag in anyway.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 28/09/2023 12:29

OnAir · 28/09/2023 12:24

Lol. I'm with the husband it's all very precious, it's a word which was probably said in a moment of anger not something to divorce over or to be that offended by in my opinion. I imagine you have a perfect marriage. Not being offended by a word doesnt make me a scumbag in anyway.

The problem is, anyone who responds to this with "fuck off" will get deleted.

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