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Original poster

ADHD and friendships

41 replies

fraggle73 · 26/09/2023 18:31

Husband diagnosed 6 months ago, he’s on medication. Went away on holiday with a group of friends who we have known years. One night out of nowhere he uses the C word against my friend after she made a snide remark at him. Not sure mixture of adhd, trauma and grief as he lost his dad and best friend in the last year. Didn’t take his medication on hols. Rest of the holiday ruined. Back home and he’s not apologised. He’s blaming them for not caring, not understanding how his mind works etc. I’m stuck in the middle and feeling anxious all the time. If you have adhd or not I think you can’t go around using the C word. I do believe he snapped and just went for her. He’s not going to apologise as he thinks they don’t care what he’s going through.

OP posts:
BackAgainstWall · 26/09/2023 18:39

You said she made a snide remark to him.

Every action gets a reaction, and yes he could/should have walked away, so in effect he’s now of course the unreasonable/bad person.

It’s a disgusting word to use, but equally it sounds like she was being nasty?

Without context it’s hard to comment - I.e. what in particular triggered your DH?

Greengrassohla · 26/09/2023 19:01

Personally, I don’t buy into this whole ‘c’ word having some special status as a swear word. Why should it. Why is it soooooooo disgusting?

She was snide, he called her a cunt. It’s her you should be annoyed with in my opinion.

Crazykefir · 26/09/2023 19:03

Was alcohol involved?

tennine · 26/09/2023 19:04

'The c word'

Grow up OP.

audweb · 26/09/2023 19:07

If using that word was a sign of ADHD everyone in Glasgow would have it.

has your friend apologised for the snide remark?

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/09/2023 19:24

Obviously a lot depends on what the snide comment was.

But no excuse for calling anyone a cunt. I wouldn't remain friends with anyone who called me that.

Spin66 · 26/09/2023 19:42

audweb · 26/09/2023 19:07

If using that word was a sign of ADHD everyone in Glasgow would have it.

has your friend apologised for the snide remark?

😂

PaintedEgg · 26/09/2023 20:35

Calling someone a c-word is down to manners or lack of them. Your husband is just rude, some people are, nothing to do with adhd.

However, he didn't call her that "out of nowhere" - it was in response to something she said.

So what do you want him to apologise for? the choice of words or that he reacted at all?

Original poster
fraggle73 · 26/09/2023 20:35

Long story….we were all staying in a villa and we went out for dinner, great evening. My friends hubby says let’s watch Top Gun when we get back. My hubby gets all excited about this. Get back to the villa and both my female friends say it’s too late and can’t have the TV on loud (no compromise) my hubby is a bit miffed at this point. He then comes out to get something and my friend and another friend are having drinks past midnight when my hubby was told not to put the tv on. He’s moaning at them and she tells them him stop being moody and that’s when he lets rip! It’s his holiday too and no one cares what he wanted. The next day he goes down to the pool and plays loud music because he knows there is no curfew and this annoys everyone! I am stuck in the middle and my anxiety is through the roof! My friend has not apologised for her snide remarks.

OP posts:
pinguins · 26/09/2023 20:41

Look up Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It's a massively underexplained and under-studied symptom of ADHD that causes people to get totally dysregulated by a perceived rejection. It can cause angry outbursts, impulsive behaviour, or crying and even suicidality.

I think she set his RSD off by flatly refusing to "let" him and his friend do the thing they had planned to do then making a snide comment that probably made him feel like she wasn't much of a friend.

This explains the behaviour but doesn't excuse it. She was unreasonable and maybe has learned to stop being such a bitch (and dictatorial fun sponge) but he was also unreasonable, reacted disproportionately, and needs to learn to manage his emotions. There are lots of resources on Youtube and books on Amazon that can help with this and he needs to get to a place where he could focus on something like that and work on it.

Also stopping ADHD meds very suddenly or missing doses can cause a horrible comedown, they're basically uppers.

PaintedEgg · 26/09/2023 20:44

fraggle73 · 26/09/2023 20:35

Long story….we were all staying in a villa and we went out for dinner, great evening. My friends hubby says let’s watch Top Gun when we get back. My hubby gets all excited about this. Get back to the villa and both my female friends say it’s too late and can’t have the TV on loud (no compromise) my hubby is a bit miffed at this point. He then comes out to get something and my friend and another friend are having drinks past midnight when my hubby was told not to put the tv on. He’s moaning at them and she tells them him stop being moody and that’s when he lets rip! It’s his holiday too and no one cares what he wanted. The next day he goes down to the pool and plays loud music because he knows there is no curfew and this annoys everyone! I am stuck in the middle and my anxiety is through the roof! My friend has not apologised for her snide remarks.

he did use a strong word, but your friend was being unreasonable, I think most people would tell her to stop being a bitch (or something similar)

Id be more annoyed by his behaviour the following day but that's just being petty

he can by all means apologise for the word he has used, but i dont think these two will be friends

Charlingspont · 26/09/2023 20:48

She doesn't sound like much of a friend tbh. Tells him he can't watch Top Gun, but stays up drinking herself, then calls him moody when he calls her out on it. She's a bit of a bully actually.

Him calling her a cunt at that point is probably fair. The childish behaviour round the pool the next day is indeed childish.

As a pp says, I can't see these two being friends going forward.

Deathbyfluffy · 26/09/2023 20:51

Sounds fine to me, she deserved it and good on him for calling her out on being a bit of a twat

HundredMilesAnHour · 26/09/2023 20:53

Deathbyfluffy · 26/09/2023 20:51

Sounds fine to me, she deserved it and good on him for calling her out on being a bit of a twat

Have to agree with this. Maybe cunt was a bit strong but she was definitely a nasty bitch to him and his friend that night.

allaroundthelamplight · 26/09/2023 20:55

I've got ADHD and tbh this is just a shit group holiday with a mismatch of expectations.

Don't holiday with them again.

Original poster
fraggle73 · 26/09/2023 20:55

Other friends in the group are not talking to him either, he didn’t say anything to them just the one friend but they think it was out of order. He has unfriended them all on social media as he thinks they are not friends. What he did was out of character and no one went up to him the next day to see if he was ok, what was going on with him. They know he’s had a tough year but that doesn’t matter. Think you are right thst the friendship is over.

OP posts:
BackAgainstWall · 26/09/2023 20:56

@pinguins
That’s very interesting information, thank you.

PaintedEgg · 26/09/2023 20:56

fraggle73 · 26/09/2023 20:55

Other friends in the group are not talking to him either, he didn’t say anything to them just the one friend but they think it was out of order. He has unfriended them all on social media as he thinks they are not friends. What he did was out of character and no one went up to him the next day to see if he was ok, what was going on with him. They know he’s had a tough year but that doesn’t matter. Think you are right thst the friendship is over.

to be honest most people would do the same - ie cut contact

why are you having anxiety? are these "lovely" people giving you some grief too?

allaroundthelamplight · 26/09/2023 20:57

"Also stopping ADHD meds very suddenly or missing doses can cause a horrible comedown, they're basically uppers."

This is complete and utter bollocks.

You don't need to take ADHD meds every day - I know this because I have a psychiatrist who prescribes my meds. Lots of people take breaks. Please don't spread nonsense.

Cowlover89 · 26/09/2023 20:58

Sounds like she deserved it

Original poster
fraggle73 · 26/09/2023 20:58

Not giving me grief but I thought they were my friends! Hubby is ok for me to speak to them etc but he’s not.

OP posts:
dearanon · 26/09/2023 21:11

audweb · 26/09/2023 19:07

If using that word was a sign of ADHD everyone in Glasgow would have it.

has your friend apologised for the snide remark?

True 😂

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 26/09/2023 22:54

Greengrassohla · 26/09/2023 19:01

Personally, I don’t buy into this whole ‘c’ word having some special status as a swear word. Why should it. Why is it soooooooo disgusting?

She was snide, he called her a cunt. It’s her you should be annoyed with in my opinion.

A German colleague at work told me she doesn't get it as the German version is actually not such a bad word. It used to horrify me but it doesn't any more

UsingChangeofName · 26/09/2023 23:07

this is just a shit group holiday with a mismatch of expectations.

This.

I've got two adult dc with ADHD. It isn't an excuse to go around swearing at people who've asked you to be considerate to other people trying to sleep.
Of course there are people who swear and seem to think it is acceptable to call (even people they call friends) names, who don't have ADHD. There's no correlation here. It sounds like drink was involved. That never helps. But it is rarely a good idea to share accommodation with people you've not lived with before. Different expectations always arise. None of that has anything to do with ADHD.

junbean · 27/09/2023 00:09

He needs to take responsibility for his behavior no matter what. It wasn't caused by anything you mentioned either, he used an ugly word towards someone because he made a bad decision. That's it. And now he's being immature by not taking responsibility for it.