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Original poster

ADHD and friendships

41 replies

fraggle73 · 26/09/2023 18:31

Husband diagnosed 6 months ago, he’s on medication. Went away on holiday with a group of friends who we have known years. One night out of nowhere he uses the C word against my friend after she made a snide remark at him. Not sure mixture of adhd, trauma and grief as he lost his dad and best friend in the last year. Didn’t take his medication on hols. Rest of the holiday ruined. Back home and he’s not apologised. He’s blaming them for not caring, not understanding how his mind works etc. I’m stuck in the middle and feeling anxious all the time. If you have adhd or not I think you can’t go around using the C word. I do believe he snapped and just went for her. He’s not going to apologise as he thinks they don’t care what he’s going through.

OP posts:
Pumpkindoodles · 27/09/2023 00:20

I have ADHD, I hadn’t realised it was an excuse to call people that word because I apparently can’t help myself. And I don’t have to apologise after because of ‘how my mind works’
Noted for future reference.

both people sounds horribly immature. At a push you can argue rejection sensitivity or impulsivity for DP. But that explains why he may have reacted poorly, but it doesn’t mean he didn’t behave poorly. He doesn’t get a free pass to be a dick. And your friend I guess is just controlling? Neither of them are bothered about being mature and moving on for your benefit anyway, so that’s good to know

RantyAnty · 27/09/2023 06:11

Sounds like he doesn't much like being told no so he had a tanty.

Original poster
fraggle73 · 27/09/2023 07:27

Alcohol was involved but more on her part than his. Not a big drinker. Maybe that contributed too. He says something triggered when she made the snide remark and he snapped. Like pumpkin noodles said both being immature and stubborn and not thinking how I fit in all this.

OP posts:
Epidote · 27/09/2023 07:37

I'm team husband, I wouldn't go a play loud music the day after and as soon I saw them having drinks I would go back to the TV to watch the show if that is what I wanted, or watch the show on my own ignoring her. Your husband may have whatever but sound to me like she is a bit of a Queen Bee.

I wouldn't apologise neither, sounds a little thing on the big scheme to be apologetic for.

manova366 · 27/09/2023 08:55

pinguins · 26/09/2023 20:41

Look up Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It's a massively underexplained and under-studied symptom of ADHD that causes people to get totally dysregulated by a perceived rejection. It can cause angry outbursts, impulsive behaviour, or crying and even suicidality.

I think she set his RSD off by flatly refusing to "let" him and his friend do the thing they had planned to do then making a snide comment that probably made him feel like she wasn't much of a friend.

This explains the behaviour but doesn't excuse it. She was unreasonable and maybe has learned to stop being such a bitch (and dictatorial fun sponge) but he was also unreasonable, reacted disproportionately, and needs to learn to manage his emotions. There are lots of resources on Youtube and books on Amazon that can help with this and he needs to get to a place where he could focus on something like that and work on it.

Also stopping ADHD meds very suddenly or missing doses can cause a horrible comedown, they're basically uppers.

So much bullshit is peddled about ADHD!
There is nothing resembling "rejection sensitive dysphoria" listed as a symptom of ADHD.
Sensitivity to rejection is a normal human reaction because humans are social creatures. Everybody is sensitive to rejection. Thus, people who have ADHD experience it too but it's not because of ADHD.
If a person is experiences it severely, to the extent that it's impairing relationships, it's likely because they're under great stress, they have trouble with emotional regulation, or they have a personality disorder. I agree with you that the DH needs to work on his reaction.

These are the criteria for an ADHD diagnosis.
https://www.addrc.org/dsm-5-criteria-for-adhd/

DSM-5 Criteria for ADHD – ADD Resource Center

https://www.addrc.org/dsm-5-criteria-for-adhd

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/09/2023 09:33

So much bullshit is peddled about ADHD!
There is nothing resembling "rejection sensitive dysphoria" listed as a symptom of ADHD.
Sensitivity to rejection is a normal human reaction because humans are social creatures. Everybody is sensitive to rejection. Thus, people who have ADHD experience it too but it's not because of ADHD.

This is incorrect.

Source:

It can take a long time for physicians to recognize that these symptoms are caused by the sudden emotional changes associated with ADHD and rejection sensitivity, while all other aspects of relating to others seem typical. RSD is, in fact, a common ADHD trait, particularly in adults.

Rejection sensitivity is part of ADHD. It’s neurologic and genetic. Almost 100% of people with ADHD experience rejection sensitivity

ADHD symptoms checklist - 3 main symptoms of ADHD

ADHD Symptoms Checklist: Signs of Hyperactive, Inattentive, Combined Subtypes

Do you have ADD? Signs of ADHD? Consult this ADHD symptoms checklist for each subtype — hyperactive, inattentive, or combined type attention deficit — in adults and children.

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-checklist/

manova366 · 27/09/2023 09:47

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/09/2023 09:35

This is my source for the quotes above: https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/

(MN didn't seem able to cope with 2 links in one post for some reason).

@fraggle73 Your DH's response to your friend was pretty much textbook RSD.

That's a magazine article. It's not a scientific source. It's not based on any kind of research or psychological science.

ADHD is diagnosed based on formal DSM/ICD criteria (in my link above), which don't include RSD.

RSD IS a thing. Most humans experience it, some more than others. People with ADHD experience it, some more than others. It's NOT a symptom of ADHD.

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/09/2023 09:55

manova366 · 27/09/2023 09:47

That's a magazine article. It's not a scientific source. It's not based on any kind of research or psychological science.

ADHD is diagnosed based on formal DSM/ICD criteria (in my link above), which don't include RSD.

RSD IS a thing. Most humans experience it, some more than others. People with ADHD experience it, some more than others. It's NOT a symptom of ADHD.

Show quote history

This was just one source example that is accessible to the layperson (thinking of the OP here and other readers). ADDitude is a highly respected magazine, referred to by many medical professionals as a reliable and very current source of information on ADHD. It is accepted that the DSM/ICD criteria need some updating as knowledge of ADHD increases (particularly for females). No need to be so disingenuous.

RavingStone · 27/09/2023 10:03

Honestly? Grief can make it impossible to cope with other people's feelings. It made me fling every single bit of aggression back, no matter how big or small or who aimed it at me in the first place.

Grief can also make it seem as if nobody understands - how can the world keep turning, the seasons keep changing etc when someone is lost?

But all this does pass.

Maybe I'm biased as I have ADHD and quite like the word cunt. But I'd encourage your husband to be kind to himself before wondering if any repair work needs to be done.

manova366 · 27/09/2023 10:19

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/09/2023 09:55

This was just one source example that is accessible to the layperson (thinking of the OP here and other readers). ADDitude is a highly respected magazine, referred to by many medical professionals as a reliable and very current source of information on ADHD. It is accepted that the DSM/ICD criteria need some updating as knowledge of ADHD increases (particularly for females). No need to be so disingenuous.

Show quote history

I'm not being disingenuous - I'm a psychologist, this is what I'm trained in. I've done a search and there's no scientific basis for RSD being a facet of ADHD. RSD is real, but it's a phenomenon that cuts across all kinds of disorders including depression, anxiety, BPD, OCD, and ADHD. And normal human conditions. There's nothing about it that makes it specific to ADHD.

PaintedEgg · 27/09/2023 11:43

If he didn't have a diagnosis, would it really be debated whether he was right to get upset that this woman first didn't let him watch TV for less than an hour, then proceeded to get herself drunk and get snappy when he complained about her behaviour? Would it really be that unique for someone to snap back and insult the person who was, if we are being honest, acting like a massive bitch?

yes, the word he has used is considered to be extremely rude, but in the worst case scenario it was two adults being rude to each other

tennine · 02/10/2023 11:36

I suffer RSD really badly. I also have ADHD. I never believed the 2 were related and am almost certain my RSD stems from the trauma of neglect that left me with complex PTSD.

AgentJohnson · 02/10/2023 11:56

If he didn't have a diagnosis, would it really be debated whether he was right to get upset that this woman first didn't let him watch TV for less than an hour, then proceeded to get herself drunk and get snappy when he complained about her behaviour? Would it really be that unique for someone to snap back and insult the person who was, if we are being honest, acting like a massive bitch?

yes, the word he has used is considered to be extremely rude, but in the worst case scenario it was two adults being rude to each other.

This

Goldbar · 02/10/2023 12:12

PaintedEgg · 27/09/2023 11:43

If he didn't have a diagnosis, would it really be debated whether he was right to get upset that this woman first didn't let him watch TV for less than an hour, then proceeded to get herself drunk and get snappy when he complained about her behaviour? Would it really be that unique for someone to snap back and insult the person who was, if we are being honest, acting like a massive bitch?

yes, the word he has used is considered to be extremely rude, but in the worst case scenario it was two adults being rude to each other

I agree with this. I would also respond quite badly to being informed that I couldn't watch TV for a bit at a reasonable volume on my holiday, especially if the person who did this then went on to make lots of noise anyway. I wouldn't use that word, but I can understand why he wasn't best pleased.

Namechange666 · 02/10/2023 13:11

Well I have ADHD and don't go around dropping the c word like that.

I mean we can react to not nice remarks quite strongly due to rsd however you can definitely control swearing and how you act. What was your friend's snide remarks?

I think your husband is being over the top personally.

ADHD is not a personality trait. You can have an arsehole personality and have ADHD. It is not an excuse for shitty behaviour. Saying that depending on what your friend said, maybe she should apologise too.

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