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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stay married AND date new people?

43 replies

Positivepantz · 26/09/2023 13:33

Long story, short version: married 25+ years, husband wants to support family and stay as family (21&13 yo kids) but not interested in me in ‘that’ way (or any way, we don’t do ANYTHING together, not for lack of trying) He is a very odd man, probably autistic/adhd, quite stressful to be around, we had a great life up until a few years ago (travel/gigs/cinema the usual) but he basically works (from home mostly, claims to love it) and sleeps . To protect my boundaries I claimed the bedroom for my own, he happily sleeps in spare room. I do lots of things with friends, but I am longing for connection, affection, closeness. I have NO CLUE how to go about this! He is happy for me to do what I want with who I want, but HOW do i do that?!?! Never used a dating site, feels really alien…what dating sites do folks in their late 40s use? All I know about dating sites is way I’ve heard: d* pics 😆 I am clueless and just wondering what others would do in this strange situation?

OP posts:
PosterBoy · 26/09/2023 13:34

married dating

Try illicit encounters

CinnamonBear · 26/09/2023 13:35

First you discuss opening up your marriage with your husband and agree boundaries. Then you worry about how to meet someone.

Deargodletitgo · 26/09/2023 13:36

So depending on what sort of man you want to meet? If you want someone in similar situation, you could look for a married man on a site like Illicit encounters, where a relationship which was only sexual and for intimacy would be ok without expectations it would lead to more

NerrSnerr · 26/09/2023 13:36

Your husband wants to support you and stay as a family. Is that what you want?

Life is far too short. Separate and start afresh. If you meet 'the one' when still married your children are going to blame toy for having an affair and breaking the family up.

Original poster
Positivepantz · 26/09/2023 13:37

He’s fine with that, it’s me who doesn’t know what to do now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Positivepantz · 26/09/2023 13:41

I don’t even know what I want. I love our family, family home, I can’t imagine what’s outside of that. Scared to break it up I suppose. I think I still love him and am in denial that he’s rejecting me. Been in this situation a while so I’m trying to be proactive and think about ME. Clueless 🤪

OP posts:
Namerequired · 26/09/2023 13:41

Is it what you want? How will you feel if/when your children find out? Is your husband wanting to open the relationship for himself also? I’m sure there’s sites for such a thing. It’s more an open relationship rather than affair so you would want to be on a specific site for that, you wouldn’t want to be someone else’s affair partner I assume.

BoohooWoohoo · 26/09/2023 13:41

Just because your h wants to stay together, it doesn't mean you have to?

If I was in your shoes, I'd be more worried about talking to the kids about this arrangement because it will look like you're cheating on their Dad. Explaining that he doesn't like affection and romance etc would be a very difficult conversation without sounding like you are being disabilist about his neurodivergence.

The other problem is if you find someone who is much better suited to you, you can't really commit because you live with your ex and may continue doing family stuff like Christmas with ex's family. A clean split is the only way if you are looking for more than flings.

MumLass · 26/09/2023 13:43

Why can't you separate? Just because he doesn't want to isn't a reason to stay.

If you just want sex you can find that easily, but if you want a relationship I think that would be more tricky.

Original poster
Positivepantz · 26/09/2023 13:44

Yes to be fair the kids are my main concern. It would have to be secret, which I don’t really want. He’s obvs not suddenly become neurodivergent but it’s never been the barrier it has become in recent years.

OP posts:
CinnamonBear · 26/09/2023 13:44

Honestly, unless there is a massive financial reason you can't, you really should end this relationship. It's not working for you or your husband. Do you really want to settle for this?

(But, if this is what you want to do, find someone in a similar situation to you. Don't lead someone along and be honest about what you are looking for.)

TaraRhu · 26/09/2023 13:45

It's going to get messy. Not very clear for your kids either. You can still be a family and split officially. What if you meet someone you actually want to be with? You deserve this. Your husband does t want a relationship or crave what you do.

Be happy. Move on.

MariePaperRoses · 26/09/2023 13:47

Just divorce him.

Leasing a sordid life with hook ups is dangerous and degrading.

Be free of him and then date with a long term relationship in mind from someone who wants the same thing.

Anyone you 'date' whilst you are married is either a mug or shagging left right and centre.

You're better than that.

JoanThursday1972 · 26/09/2023 13:49

Deargodletitgo · 26/09/2023 13:36

So depending on what sort of man you want to meet? If you want someone in similar situation, you could look for a married man on a site like Illicit encounters, where a relationship which was only sexual and for intimacy would be ok without expectations it would lead to more

But isn't this enabling cheaters? Are these married men's wives OK with them putting it about?

BoohooWoohoo · 26/09/2023 13:50

Would you be able to trust someone living in the same situation? You wouldn't be able to advance the relationship beyond spending time when each other's kids were busy and never have special times like Christmas together.
You are not unreasonable to want more and not hurt your h but you won't be able to live a fulfilled life while married to him. You don't want your kids mistakenly thinking that the marriage ended because you were cheating and if they find out then that would be a natural conclusion to jump to.

Tribevibes · 26/09/2023 13:53

@MariePaperRoses

Agree. It’s not classy.

BoohooWoohoo · 26/09/2023 13:53

Your kids probably have an inkling that their parents don't get along because of the separate bedroom situation. If you date for a while then start divorce then the person you are dating will look like an affair partner and you'll have to adjust the date that you met so the kids don't know. Better to date with a clean slate so you don't have to lie about when you start dating future partners.

Winterscomingagain · 26/09/2023 13:55

I'm in a similar situation although unmarried. I've been with my partner for over 30 yrs, no intimacy for at least ten yrs. My children are grown up and quite aware of the lack of connection in our relationship.I recently met an old boyfriend who is unattached and I've started a relationship with him.No idea where it'll go but I feel like a teenager again and he makes me go weak at the knees.
I own the family home and I'm the main breadwinner so no idea what the future holds but a love starved life is cruel for both of you and life is short.

Lifeinlists · 26/09/2023 13:58

Separate and divorce. You're dancing to his tune and it won't make you happier. Take control of your own life instead of enabling his.

Maplestars · 26/09/2023 14:00

I feel like him being ND is being used as an explanation for and justification of him being ‘difficult’ and checking out of the marriage, which seems a hit ableist to me.
if things were fine before it’s unlikely he’s suddenly decided he’s not interested, simply due to him being ND.
I would personally try to fix my marriage. Then if he has no interest in that (actually ask him, don’t just presume) I would look at how to manage without him, can you cope financially? I wouldn’t want to stay in this position if I didn’t have to.

if you go ahead you have to confirm the boundaries for your marriage and figure out what you want, is it a FWB, or a boyfriend and I think you need to be honest with anyone you meet. Meet someone the normal way or use a specific app/website

beastlyslumber · 26/09/2023 14:01

I agree with pp that maybe the better option is divorce, then look at dating later.

However, if you want to find discreet but honest/ethical encounters, feeld is the best app.

NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah · 26/09/2023 14:03

Try feeld. It's a dating site for non monogamous people and you'll find people interested without being put off by your home situation.
you could try tinder for hook up focused dating or fabswingers for sex focused encounters!

Original poster
Positivepantz · 26/09/2023 14:03

He point blank refuses to try therapy or counselling- or even a date night. Yeh, when I say it out loud he’s just shutting me out.

OP posts:
ThreeBearsPorridge · 26/09/2023 14:03

Why would you want a life having random sex with strangers who are most likely married themselves than a divorce and a fresh start? I honestly don't understand.

PosterBoy · 26/09/2023 14:03

JoanThursday1972 · 26/09/2023 13:49

But isn't this enabling cheaters? Are these married men's wives OK with them putting it about?

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