How do I stay married AND date new people?

[Positivepantz]

Long story, short version: married 25+ years, husband wants to support family and stay as family (21&13 yo kids) but not interested in me in ‘that’ way (or any way, we don’t do ANYTHING together, not for lack of trying) He is a very odd man, probably autistic/adhd, quite stressful to be around, we had a great life up until a few years ago (travel/gigs/cinema the usual) but he basically works (from home mostly, claims to love it) and sleeps . To protect my boundaries I claimed the bedroom for my own, he happily sleeps in spare room. I do lots of things with friends, but I am longing for connection, affection, closeness. I have NO CLUE how to go about this! He is happy for me to do what I want with who I want, but HOW do i do that?!?! Never used a dating site, feels really alien…what dating sites do folks in their late 40s use? All I know about dating sites is way I’ve heard: d* pics 😆 I am clueless and just wondering what others would do in this strange situation?

That's a dead relationship. You find a companion for anything more than sex, you have an emotional explosion at what you've been missing all these years, feel huge resentment and anger to your husband, all blows up with 13yo (and your older child) in the middle of it.

You make a mature decision to separate now, sort it out then proceed with the rest of your life without all the mess.

Otherwise you're basically asking 'how do I put on a new pair of shoes without taking off this pair of shoes'

Open relationships might work where the relationship is alive, this one is not.

I'm not trying to be rude but you keep labling your husband neurodivergent... has he even had a diagnosis?

He might not even be that so it's not really wise to throw around labels if it isn't concrete.

Besides, every neurodivergent person is different. Being ND, I certainly wouldn't want to be in a loveless or sexless relationship. Or my partner to be shared with other people.

He could be no longer interested in sex or maybe he is asexual? Maybe he's just not interested in your relationship anymore.

All I can is this is a disaster waiting to happen.

You'd be better separating amicably and then when things have settled looking for someone else.

Because I can guarantee someone is going to make you feel things you haven't for a long time then there will be the added complications of you extricating yourself from this marriage and your potential partner also being paired up and then you can't have them to yourself. What are you going to do then?

Sounds like she has done that already and they're basically living as separated coparents

This is how these things tend to pan out: you start dipping the toe in the dating scene, OLD and whatnot. You join an activity group or two, then start leading a separate life from your husband. After some time and a few bad online dates eventually you meet a guy on one of your activity groups who is going through a similar experience and become "good friends" with him. Eventually you fall for this guy and start spending more and more time out of home, sometimes weekends, your husband becomes fully aware and is not happy. He throws a tantrum, things get sour with him. He just wanted you to get your sex needs elsewhere then come back home and continue playing happy wife, but that's not how it works. Eventually you guys separate.

I’m quite sure I have adhd. I’m also quite sure he does but presents very differently. Me and kids have learned a lot about autism and he does really seem to fit…neither of us much care about getting a diagnosis. I think we have been living fairly dysfunctionally for a very long time.

If this has been a recent change, is it a COVID thing? It sounds like you would prefer the relationship fixed rather than separate. If so decide that.

If you can’t fix it then separating is better than this arrangement but don’t assume it can’t be. If he is ND and complete WFH has made this change then perhaps there are changes that could fix this.

I'm not trying to be rude but you keep labelling your husband neurodivergent... has he even had a diagnosis?

Many people who are ND are not diagnosed (esp at the ages the OP is talking about). It doesn’t mean that they’re not ND!
And it doesn’t mean that they’re not experiencing struggles. Both on the pov of the person in the spectrum or for the person living with them. Which can become more and more obvious and unbearable time goes on.

Because then she have to sell the house and upend the kids etc. she wants to have a fling or an affair (ethically).

There are lots of ethically non monogamous communities op. I'd look there first.

She doesn't even know if he is even ND. She's just guessing, as always happens on here.

Sorry to say it but to me it sounds like you both need to have a blunt talk about what you want. Either break up and try to find the connection with someone else or stick together and BOTH agree to put effort into having a meaningful relationship.

your idea to date outside the relationship just sounds like a cop out from breaking up. I can understand why you don’t want to because of the kids and home etc, but it sounds like the relationship is pretty dead and DH isn’t showing anything sign of wanting to do anything about that.

@Positivepantz I agree with some PP.

The issue here isn’t you meeting other people.
It’s about you accepting you want out of the marriage. It’s about you being able to imagine a life outside that marriage.

Ratter than OLD, I’d go fir some counselling to explore what’s missing in your life and what sort if life you want to build.
Your dh might be in tte spectrum but regardless of whether this is an p/THE explanation fir his behaviour, it should not be what’s leading your decision, not to stay nor to leave. It should be about your needs and whether your marriage allows you to fulfil those needs.

Divorce is always difficult,and the reason many people stay in less than perfect marriages.Your 21 year old would know that you were dating or certainly have a strong suspicion! You are wanting your cake and eating it.If you want a fresh start then you need to forge ahead with this.If not( and you sound doubtful) then you need to tell him straight out to attend . This is half in half out so wont work long run

I'm really not sure that this is modelling good relationships to your children.

You're already living separate lives under the same roof.

If you start dating someone else, they'll find out, no matter how careful you are.

What's the point of staying in the same house as your husband?

This is not really going to work out long term. If you meet someone you will end up wanting to change the situation at some point, end the marriage. Then it is going to be an absolute shitshow.

Just separate now, and move on with your lives.

Your husband has decided not to want sex with you. You are your own person and you can decide to leave, your children are not exactly babies. Your marriage has run its course by the sounds of it.

Do join online dating it can be a shit show... but stuck in a marriage like his equally is just as bad!

They have.

Don’t sell yourself short with this half in half out half life. You will not attract a good quality man this way, just ones who are cheating on their wives and want to use you for sex. If that’s all you want then fine, but you are looking for a relationship, closeness, a connection, and it will be harder to find that with a good quality man if you stick to your current arrangement. Good men will not go near married women.

I was in a similar position about 10 years ago and thought of every permutation I could to keep the family intact but have at least some of my own needs met. It didn’t work - meaningless encounters weren’t for me. Eventually I bit the bullet and we split. A year later I met the most amazing man and yes we have sex. We also hold hands in public, cook together, go out to restaurants and on holiday - we are together for the world to see and can go out and do whatever we want. That’s what you deserve, and your children deserve to see you happy.

I do know that. Until 3 weeks ago I was the same until I got a diagnosis but people on here do tend to throw it about a lot to explain shitty behaviour even though it might not be. That was why I asked. Same way bipolar gets thrown about and npd on here... @RedAndWhiteCarnations