Unfaithful DH won't let me browse his phone AIBU?

TitsUpTootsie · 2023-09-26T10:30:24+00:00

DH and I have been having marital problems for a long while. We have been arguing and disagreeing A LOT. Very long story but short version is that we moved overseas due to a good job offer he received, I quit my job to look after the DD & DS and manage the move etc.. We have since moved several times to different countries and different houses, each time due to his job. He has steadily risen up the ranks and is now in quite a senior position, so I have remained a SAHM. He often works late entertaining and comes home in the wee hours quite frequently, most times intoxicated. I have felt side-lined and desperately isolated. I have told him about this several times and asked that we move back home so I can be near family and kick-start my career but it has caused a lot of arguments as he doesn't want to. He loves the life he has, is focused on moving up in his company and is making plans to settle where we are. This has caused an issue in our marriage and we haven't been intimate for years. I suspect he might be having an affair. He has denied being unfaithful every time I've brought it up and has been angry at me for questioning him. I recently asked him if I could look at his phone to prove that he isn't being unfaithful and he got angry immediately and refused me access saying his phone is his privacy and I should respect that. We have now had a massive row over it and he is upset that I don't trust him?!? The D word was thrown about in that row. I am feeling angry, betrayed, isolated and resentful - I don't have any money in a country which doesn't feel like home and potentially unfaithful DH. AIBU?

SofiYol · 26/09/2023 11:34

No you’re not BU.

He is selfish at best and quite likely cheating on you. Anger at asking to look at his phone for reassurance isn’t a good sign at all.

Do you have access to his financial information? A solicitor to see where you stand and what you’re entitled to would help.

JoanThursday1972 · 26/09/2023 11:34

You aren't unreasonable and in your shoes I would look at coming home and leaving him. Not sure about how it would work though taking the children home but someone with kids will be along to talk about that I am sure.

He sounds horrible. Did you have a pension from the job you packed in?

Blough · 26/09/2023 11:35

Don't degrade yourself by trying to police the man's phone, your marriage is obviously dead, do either of you actually want the celibacy to continue?
You need to get a job, finalise the long dead marriage legally,and sort out the complicated issue of where the kids will live.

fruitbrewhaha · 26/09/2023 11:37

It sounds like even if he hasn’t been cheating your marriage is over. He doesnt care that your unhappy.

SoupDragon · 26/09/2023 11:37

Whether he is being or has been unfaithful is irrelevant. You don't trust him, you are unhappy and the marriage is dead with no one wanting to work on it.

Forget about the phone, you need to take charge of your own life.

astarsheis · 26/09/2023 11:40

I have had a similar life to yours but have always managed to work in all the countries we have lived in...Asia, ME and Africa.
Could you get a job so that at least you can regain some of 'you' and maybe get some independence back.
The other option is the leave with the children...not ideal and not what you signed up for when you first went overseas with him, but I've seen plenty of expat wives return to their home countries with their children.

Original poster

TitsUpTootsie · 26/09/2023 11:46

It's been difficult for me to work since his job is so demanding and my main focus was to ensure the kids didn't feel unsettled or alone because we moved around so much. He has a strong relationship with the children, so I am nervous about moving them so far away (different continents) in case they are affected by it

OP posts:

Original poster

TitsUpTootsie · 26/09/2023 11:48

Unfortunately I only have a state pension from when I was working and won't be very much at all. Looks like I'm facing a really scary decision

OP posts:

Original poster

TitsUpTootsie · 26/09/2023 11:49

astarsheis · 26/09/2023 11:40

I have had a similar life to yours but have always managed to work in all the countries we have lived in...Asia, ME and Africa.
Could you get a job so that at least you can regain some of 'you' and maybe get some independence back.
The other option is the leave with the children...not ideal and not what you signed up for when you first went overseas with him, but I've seen plenty of expat wives return to their home countries with their children.

It's been difficult for me to work since his job is so demanding and my main focus was to ensure the kids didn't feel unsettled or alone because we moved around so much. He has a strong relationship with the children, so I am nervous about moving them so far away (different continents) in case they are affected by it

OP posts:

Original poster

TitsUpTootsie · 26/09/2023 11:51

JoanThursday1972 · 26/09/2023 11:34

You aren't unreasonable and in your shoes I would look at coming home and leaving him. Not sure about how it would work though taking the children home but someone with kids will be along to talk about that I am sure.

He sounds horrible. Did you have a pension from the job you packed in?

Unfortunately I only have a state pension from when I was working and won't be very much at all. Looks like I'm facing a really scary decision

OP posts:

Original poster

TitsUpTootsie · 26/09/2023 11:56

SofiYol · 26/09/2023 11:34

No you’re not BU.

He is selfish at best and quite likely cheating on you. Anger at asking to look at his phone for reassurance isn’t a good sign at all.

Do you have access to his financial information? A solicitor to see where you stand and what you’re entitled to would help.

We used to have a JA, but since we started moving about, he transfers a monthly allowance to my personal account and doesn't give me access to his. In the past, we have argued at the financial set up, but once again he has stood his ground. I think I've known for a while that it would come to this. 😔

OP posts:

Ilovetheeighties · 26/09/2023 11:57

I'm sorry to say but i think he is definitely cheating as getting angry at you for asking him about cheating and to look at his phone is a sure sign . My husband always got defensive when i asked to see his phone and sure enough he was cheating. please don't waste your life with a cheater and remember those who have nothing to hide ,hide nothing ..

Original poster

TitsUpTootsie · 26/09/2023 12:02

Ilovetheeighties · 26/09/2023 11:57

I'm sorry to say but i think he is definitely cheating as getting angry at you for asking him about cheating and to look at his phone is a sure sign . My husband always got defensive when i asked to see his phone and sure enough he was cheating. please don't waste your life with a cheater and remember those who have nothing to hide ,hide nothing ..

Funny enough, those are the exact words I said to him.

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 26/09/2023 12:06

@TitsUpTootsie
If you are unhappy in this situation and it appears that you are, does it really matter if he is cheating? That would be just one more thing to add to the list of things that are making you unhappy.

If you have chosen not to have sex with him for several years, he is probably having sex elsewhere.

Sex is the least of your concerns. You are stranded and are completely dependent upon him for support. You cannot leave him if he does not give you the money to leave him. That should be your major concern. You should concentrate on a plan to get you away from him.
You don't need to play Sherlock Holmes regarding his infidelity, your relationship has many more significant issues about which you should be concerned.

Ilovetheeighties · 26/09/2023 12:10

My heart breaks for you as it must be awful to be in a strange country and having to deal with his attitude. If it were me I'd have to come home to be near my family. I thought my suitation was bad but at least I'm in my home country.. I really do wish you the best xx

Mari9999 · 26/09/2023 12:19

The OP would be better off asking to see his bank account rather than his phone. Given what she has said a bit this man, it seems fairly unrealistic to think that he has gone without sex for several years. What will looking at his phone do but possibly confirm that she has yet another issue in this issue filled marriage?

omgsally · 26/09/2023 12:23

What do you mean, you haven't got any money? If you've given up your job and moved to facilitate his career, then you should have equal access to the money.

Original poster

TitsUpTootsie · 26/09/2023 12:36

omgsally · 26/09/2023 12:23

What do you mean, you haven't got any money? If you've given up your job and moved to facilitate his career, then you should have equal access to the money.

We have had endless arguments about money. He transfers a monthly allowance to my account and drip feeds me money if I need more for an unexpected expense. He has never given me access to his account, despite me asking for it and will send me a "spreadsheet" instead, detailing monthly expenditure. It sounds pathetic I know that I haven't walked away sooner 😔

OP posts:

Original poster

TitsUpTootsie · 26/09/2023 12:47

Mari9999 · 26/09/2023 12:19

The OP would be better off asking to see his bank account rather than his phone. Given what she has said a bit this man, it seems fairly unrealistic to think that he has gone without sex for several years. What will looking at his phone do but possibly confirm that she has yet another issue in this issue filled marriage?

Spot on. I've invested a major part of my life with this man and made irreconcilable sacrifices along with it in the belief that we had a mutually beneficial relationship. Unfortunately things started to unravel but I buried my head in being a full on SAHM. It sounds silly, but a part of me just needed to know about the infidelity. You are right though - I have much, much bigger issues than that.

OP posts:

rwalker · 26/09/2023 12:49

There’s absolutely nothing on it but for the life of me I couldn’t let anyone look at my phone

a complete violation of my privacy

BelindaBears · 26/09/2023 12:53

rwalker · 26/09/2023 12:49

There’s absolutely nothing on it but for the life of me I couldn’t let anyone look at my phone

a complete violation of my privacy

Yes I agree with this.

That said, OP’s DH already doesn’t care that she’s unhappy which in my book means the marriage is over. If you get to the point of needing to see his phone you’re already past a point of no return. Your life isn’t going to change if you see his phone and there’s nothing on it. You’re still going to be unhappy and beholden to him.

Bleepbloopbluurp · 26/09/2023 12:54

We have had endless arguments about money. He transfers a monthly allowance to my account and drip feeds me money if I need more for an unexpected expense. He has never given me access to his account, despite me asking for it and will send me a "spreadsheet" instead, detailing monthly expenditure. It sounds pathetic I know that I haven't walked away sooner

This is an excellent way to prevent a spouse from leaving. It's dreadfully controlling to leave you with no money so that you are entirely dependant. Never mind if he is cheating, this is really appalling. Do you have family to help you financially so that you can leave and get set up for yourself?

omgsally · 26/09/2023 12:58

TitsUpTootsie · 26/09/2023 12:36

We have had endless arguments about money. He transfers a monthly allowance to my account and drip feeds me money if I need more for an unexpected expense. He has never given me access to his account, despite me asking for it and will send me a "spreadsheet" instead, detailing monthly expenditure. It sounds pathetic I know that I haven't walked away sooner 😔

Show quote history

It's not pathetic and you're not pathetic but make a promise to yourself that today is the last day that someone will disrespect you in this way. It is demeaning to be treated in this way. Find your strength and self-esteem and move forward with your best foot. Stop putting him first. You're an equal partner and not some second class citizen.

MyJetNowAirlines · 26/09/2023 13:01

He’s financially abusing you and fucking around? I’d look at getting back to your home country ASAP, without him. He’s a piece of work.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/09/2023 13:08

He's financially abusing you.

'Luckily' you're married so all your assets are shared regardless of whose name they're in.

But- it might depend which country you are in- from experience the Uk has looked after me (a sahm) and my exhusband (high earner) very well. I have no financial worries at all.

But my ex isn't English, and my solicitor did say to me 'lucky you're getting divorced in England.'

I've talked about myself getting to my point -it's time for you to do some very quiet and very stealthy research.

Your marriage is dead, regardless of the phone.