Unfaithful DH won't let me browse his phone AIBU?

[TitsUpTootsie]

DH and I have been having marital problems for a long while. We have been arguing and disagreeing A LOT. Very long story but short version is that we moved overseas due to a good job offer he received, I quit my job to look after the DD & DS and manage the move etc.. We have since moved several times to different countries and different houses, each time due to his job. He has steadily risen up the ranks and is now in quite a senior position, so I have remained a SAHM. He often works late entertaining and comes home in the wee hours quite frequently, most times intoxicated. I have felt side-lined and desperately isolated. I have told him about this several times and asked that we move back home so I can be near family and kick-start my career but it has caused a lot of arguments as he doesn't want to. He loves the life he has, is focused on moving up in his company and is making plans to settle where we are. This has caused an issue in our marriage and we haven't been intimate for years. I suspect he might be having an affair. He has denied being unfaithful every time I've brought it up and has been angry at me for questioning him. I recently asked him if I could look at his phone to prove that he isn't being unfaithful and he got angry immediately and refused me access saying his phone is his privacy and I should respect that. We have now had a massive row over it and he is upset that I don't trust him?!? The D word was thrown about in that row.
I am feeling angry, betrayed, isolated and resentful - I don't have any money in a country which doesn't feel like home and potentially unfaithful DH. AIBU?

Ok I’d stop right there.

You are abroad, with no job. Maybe not even the right to work there. You want to be back in the U.K., close to family.
Your marriage is dead for many reasons, not just the possible affair.

If you are starting to talk about divorce you need to go and see a lawyer ASAP. One specialised on divorce in those type of situation.

Because you simply can’t move away and take the dcs with you Wo his approval. Getting divorce in those circumstances can be heard work and you might well end up having to stay in said country and it is the dcs main country of residence.

Id really adise you to keep your cards close to your chest.
Acknowledge your marriage has run its course - whatever the reason.
Prepare yourself on what could be done re the divorce. Get some legal advice.
And then and only then, start talking to your DH.

Luckily' you're married so all your assets are shared regardless of whose name they're in.

Well that’s true in the U.K.
But the OP is NOT living in the U.K. and different rules might apply there.
As far as I know, it’s the rules of the country where the divorce is pronounced that will prevail.

Thats why the OP needs some specialist legal advice asap.
(and no well meaning advice that will not help her but might end up confusing her even more)

Did you manage to read my second paragraph where I detailed that only applied to the Uk?

Wow anyone would feel vulnerable in your shoes. Your DH is evidently either stupid or selfish, or both if he can’t see how you may feel. You say he loves his life, well I bet he does. He holds all the cards here really. If you think you can explain to him how you feel vulnerable and you think he may work to help you feel better then do that. If not then you need to take steps to make yourself less vulnerable, because in that case you have a selfish uncaring husband and your marriage is dead in the water and you need a safety net for the very likely eventuality of one of you deciding not to continue with it.
id probably ignore the infidelity for now personally, just for your own sake so you can make a way forward tackling the other things, and not just be overwhelmed.

You haven't been intimate for years, he drip feeds you money to run the house.
You're a nanny and a housekeeper.
You're no longer a wife.
He doesn't want you as a wife.
The only resemblance you have to a marriage is that you argue.
Start sorting your life out, how you want it.
Go out, leave the dc with him and get a job if possible.
He can pay for childcare.

I think you're being unreasonable. Your marriage is very obviously over so what would looking at his phone achieve?

You need to quietly start looking at what you can do to leave, how to leave and what the laws are in the country you're in regarding children, finances, adultery, etc.

If adultery is relevant then perhaps someone like a private detective could help you.

How old are you now and how old are the children? The sooner you leave him, the easier it will be for you to kickstart your career. You know that you're financially abused - a good divorce lawyer will get you a much better deal than you have currently. He sounds really awful. Will you have any family who can help with childcare support if you came home?

YABVU

I would never let a partner look through my phone, no matter how much he accused me of cheating.

I’ve been in that situation and even checking my phone wasn’t good enough as he thought I must be deleting the messages.

If you don’t trust him, then leave.
You cannot ask to go through his phone as that’s private.

Your life makes me feel sad.
You have literally just followed him around wherever he wants to go and are basically his maid/PA with no life of your own.

You don’t get a say in your own life - that is awful.

I think moving the kids away from their dad is a massive decision but I don’t think you can carry on like this (especially if you think he’s now cheating too).

I would seriously consider moving to be closer to your support network and coming up with a plan for him to keep in contact with the kids.
Perhaps they could visit him for one weekend a month and then longer during the holidays.

The phone is not the problem here. You are not happy, you do not feel valued and you do not trust him. The marriage is over sadly.

How would you feel about going home with the children without him?

In all honesty, the phone thing is irrelevant. If someone demanded to see my phone to prove or disprove anything I'd also be angry, and no way are they seeing it. And there's nothing on it. But this isn't about the phone, what's on it, or even if he's faithful. It's about the fact that the marriage is dead, you know that, and you are looking for a reason to say it out loud. You don't need a reason. You've decided it's dead. So what do you intend to do about that?

Taking the children is the only option. No way would I leave them but he will fight me tooth and bone.

You’ve made me tear up 😢. That is exactly how I see things and reading it from someone else is jolting. “Going home” for me, means going to live on a different continent so shared custody would be a huge issue

I am in my late 40’s so already nervous about re-starting a career now, especially since I haven’t worked for over 15 years. DC’s are 12 and 15

Start thinking and analysing your situation.

I would say he almost certainly has been having sex elsewhere if you haven't been sleeping together - does it even matter at this point?

Can you actually leave with the kids? What is the legal situation where you live? How about money? Do you get half if you divorce where you are now? Would you lose your resident visa and have to leave/ leave the kids? What about your children's education? Leave now and maybe UK uni would be paid for. Leave later and maybe not. How about GCSEs?

Why have you decided to make a stand now?

As you said, your comment wasn’t relevant 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

But can easily be extremely confusing when people then get in their head that ‘this is what is fair and should happen’ and actually it was never in the cards.

Which country are you in? You need legal advice, don't wait until you have come to terms with this emotionally.

It’s been a long-time coming, but I have delayed it until the kids are a little
older and can understand more. I guess the last straw actually is the phone at it has compounded that he is having sex outside our marriage. Yes - you are right about moving back with DC now - though DD has just started Y10 and already gone through a lot of instability and is only getting settled in so I feel like an ogre to consider uprooting her again. In any case I will be looking into legal advice - that alone will take a while and may allow for her to finish her GCSE’s here before we move back to the UK

If your daughter needs a loan for UK uni, you need to be resident for 3 years beforehand (that's a summary, there are exceptions). Just so you are aware

Yes - I have already looked into that but thanks for the clarification. The legal requirement changed a few years back. 🙏🏽

As your DD is in year 10 and you understandably don’t want to disrupt her, why not live in the same country and live separately.

You could take a couple of months to do an online course or find a job and squirrel some money away, before telling him it’s over. So when it’s time to leave, you’ll be much more prepared.

He should have made sure then that you were equal financially and were happy with the set up. It's not you removing the children from him without cause. Don't let him or anyone else push this bullshit narrative.

In your shoes I'd let the dust settle, get all the paperwork you need, copy it all and email it to a private account, then when it's all settled ask him about you and the do going home for a few weeks before Xmas, do this and just don't return. Do you have anyone you and the dc could stay with for a few months whilst you get yourself back up on your feet again?

Yes - have been thinking this way after reading all your messages today 🙂

You be fine, we were overseas for nearly 20 years and my DC were not classed as overseas students.
What country are you in? I guess if in the ME he will have more rights, less so in other countries. If he has another woman he probably won't fight too much for the DC, especially if she's 'local'.
I know its no good to you now, but I have never left my husband to be in control of our finances, in fact we have always had shared accounts, properties have been in my name as well as the majority of our shares.
I have seen too many expat wives in your position and always made sure that I had fully shared control of finances.
If your daughter has only just started Y10 you could possibly still move her back to the UK by Christmas to a school that does all her subjects...and the majority probably will. Otherwise you might have to stick it out for another couple of years.
The other option and have seen this happen...if the company is paying for your rent, split up where you are and move in to two cheaper properties.
If you do decide to stay on then I would advise you to get a job. Your children are old enough. If they are in a British school you could get a job at their school or your embassy. I've seen plenty of expat wives do this.
I think its time you pull your SAHM head out of the sand and start taking control of your life again.

He probably is cheating but he's also right to feel entitled to some privacy. I have nothing to hide but I wouldn't expect anyone to want to check that.

You either trust him or your don't. Having access to his phone won't change that.