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Original poster

Not in a good place with DH

41 replies

4peasinapod · 25/09/2023 22:01

Dh and I have been together for 27 years. We have 5 beautiful kids and life is busy.

We had an argument last week as I had locked the back door as 18 month old is great at opening doors and running. I had him ready for bed, kitchen cleaned and food on for hubby. He was gone with dd and had returned home to the door locked, he didn't have keys so banged on the door. I reared and gave out as did he. Fast forward to this week I have tried to communicate with him and sort the issue which I thought we did to be ignored when he came home from work when I said hello to him. Tried again last night to be told he is fed up with out no sex relationship. I genuinely thought we were doing ok, yes we're not at it every night but we were at least once a week minimum. We have a busy one year old, 4 others that take a lot of my energy, I'm exhausted by bed time.
I'm a sahm and do everything with the house and kids. Life is busy.
Before we had our last baby our sex life was great, we had time. Now it feels like I'm constantly chasing my tail and I don't think I have anymore to give at this point. I feel I'm pulled in so many directions.
AIBU here, I'm open to date night counselling which he won't do. Today he is sulking again and I hate this atmosphere around the kids.
I'm really annoyed that he can't understand where I'm coming from, and ignoring me is something I've never seen before.
I can't keep battling like this life is to short.

OP posts:
smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 22:13

If he helped out more with the kids you'd have more energy for sex. Does he understand that?

Original poster
4peasinapod · 25/09/2023 22:20

That's another augment, he does take the 1yr old for an hour some evenings. He wouldn't dream of doing bedtime or suggesting take an evening off. He works hard to provide for us all, I appreciate that and I work hard at home. Since ds came along I would ask for a lie on but he would huff and puff when I got up. A lie on for me is 9am!

OP posts:
smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 22:21

How ridiculous of him. Have you considered going back to work and building an escape fund?

Original poster
4peasinapod · 25/09/2023 22:29

I have a house in my name and money, I could leave but it really wouldn't be plesent, and it kills me to break the family especially for my kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
4peasinapod · 25/09/2023 22:30

We are also self employed which is tricky, I would sign that all back to him I've no interest in it.

OP posts:
Tiredbehyondbelief · 25/09/2023 22:40

"I am really annoyed he can't understand where I am coming from ." What is your husband meant to understand? That he is the last on your list of priorities? At least he has the decency to tell you how to fix things rather than seeing sex outside. Good men are hard to find, not hard to keep.

BellaAndDave · 25/09/2023 22:47

Tiredbehyondbelief · 25/09/2023 22:40

"I am really annoyed he can't understand where I am coming from ." What is your husband meant to understand? That he is the last on your list of priorities? At least he has the decency to tell you how to fix things rather than seeing sex outside. Good men are hard to find, not hard to keep.

You can fuck right off. Since when did an exhausted female have to have sex with a man who puts his own needs first? Any man that sulks because they’ve been refused refused sex because their partner is exhausted needs a kick up the arse. Also what constitutes a “good man” on your opinion?

Original poster
4peasinapod · 25/09/2023 22:55

Tiredbehyondbelief · 25/09/2023 22:40

"I am really annoyed he can't understand where I am coming from ." What is your husband meant to understand? That he is the last on your list of priorities? At least he has the decency to tell you how to fix things rather than seeing sex outside. Good men are hard to find, not hard to keep.

Our sex life isn't what it used to be, we now have 5 kids and guess what it's really tiresome chasing after everyone daily. When I do go to bed I'm tired mentally and physically. We have sex weekly, and sometimes schedules get busy and miss a week. I never with hold sex as I do enjoy it, but I need to be in the mood.

OP posts:
Scruffthemagicdragon · 25/09/2023 22:55

It sounds like you're both exhausted. A 1yo and 4 others is a lot! But for the arguement to turn straight to "we dont have enough sex" is bs. Its missing out loads of ground in between. Honestly, once or more a week with such a full and young family ain't too bad. Although each to their own. Why can't you have a lie in? A SAHM to 5 with 1 being one yo is a lot! Where are you on his list of priorities?

But one thing I really want to caution you about is chucking in the business. It sounds like he is laying down the ground work to leave. Financial security for you and your kids is incredibly important, don't give it away.

StarDolphins · 25/09/2023 23:00

Tiredbehyondbelief · 25/09/2023 22:40

"I am really annoyed he can't understand where I am coming from ." What is your husband meant to understand? That he is the last on your list of priorities? At least he has the decency to tell you how to fix things rather than seeing sex outside. Good men are hard to find, not hard to keep.

Hello Mr tiredbeyondbelief,

what a big bunch of crap. Sex at least once per week, a tired wife that does everything & 5 kids?!

women aren’t here just to please men to stop them ‘getting it elsewhere’

total load of utter crap brought to us from someone from mansnet surely.

Original poster
4peasinapod · 25/09/2023 23:01

Scruffthemagicdragon · 25/09/2023 22:55

It sounds like you're both exhausted. A 1yo and 4 others is a lot! But for the arguement to turn straight to "we dont have enough sex" is bs. Its missing out loads of ground in between. Honestly, once or more a week with such a full and young family ain't too bad. Although each to their own. Why can't you have a lie in? A SAHM to 5 with 1 being one yo is a lot! Where are you on his list of priorities?

But one thing I really want to caution you about is chucking in the business. It sounds like he is laying down the ground work to leave. Financial security for you and your kids is incredibly important, don't give it away.

Edited

Thank you, yes I understand about the financial side. I think he would be difficult to deal with but wouldn't see his kids without.

OP posts:
honeyandfizz · 25/09/2023 23:17

Tiredbehyondbelief · 25/09/2023 22:40

"I am really annoyed he can't understand where I am coming from ." What is your husband meant to understand? That he is the last on your list of priorities? At least he has the decency to tell you how to fix things rather than seeing sex outside. Good men are hard to find, not hard to keep.

😂😂😂😂😂

minipie · 25/09/2023 23:20

Who wanted to have 5 kids? Frankly tiredness and limited sex life is a predictable consequence of having 5 young kids. Did he not realise that?

gemloving · 25/09/2023 23:33

Tiredbehyondbelief · 25/09/2023 22:40

"I am really annoyed he can't understand where I am coming from ." What is your husband meant to understand? That he is the last on your list of priorities? At least he has the decency to tell you how to fix things rather than seeing sex outside. Good men are hard to find, not hard to keep.

Am I actually reading this? What a joke.

Scruffthemagicdragon · 26/09/2023 00:05

4peasinapod · 25/09/2023 23:01

Thank you, yes I understand about the financial side. I think he would be difficult to deal with but wouldn't see his kids without.

Show quote history

I really hope that's true (won't see his kids without), but so many of these "family" men surprise us and can be horribly cruel. You need your people-can-be-arseholes goggles on. Protect yourself, you alone know that you'll do the best for your kids. You can't know his intentions. Sorry to be so pessimistic. I'm not saying it's over, but he sounds like he's beginning "the script".

TomatoSandwiches · 26/09/2023 00:12

Goodness he sounds revolting.

Original poster
4peasinapod · 26/09/2023 00:19

Scruffthemagicdragon · 26/09/2023 00:05

I really hope that's true (won't see his kids without), but so many of these "family" men surprise us and can be horribly cruel. You need your people-can-be-arseholes goggles on. Protect yourself, you alone know that you'll do the best for your kids. You can't know his intentions. Sorry to be so pessimistic. I'm not saying it's over, but he sounds like he's beginning "the script".

Edited
Show quote history

Yes I totally agree, and I know he would be difficult if I'd didn't conform to his way, that is why i would let him have all he wants. I have a house outside our family home and financial I would manage. I would most definitely return to work and support myself and the kids if things turn nasty. I'll have to purchase them goggles, I've a feeling I may need them.

OP posts:
Scruffthemagicdragon · 26/09/2023 00:23

4peasinapod · 26/09/2023 00:19

Yes I totally agree, and I know he would be difficult if I'd didn't conform to his way, that is why i would let him have all he wants. I have a house outside our family home and financial I would manage. I would most definitely return to work and support myself and the kids if things turn nasty. I'll have to purchase them goggles, I've a feeling I may need them.

Show quote history

Me too, re the goggles. Although I feel like I'm growing them! I'm glad you have financial security, but very sorry that you have to deal with the rest of it.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 26/09/2023 00:35

4peasinapod · 25/09/2023 23:01

Thank you, yes I understand about the financial side. I think he would be difficult to deal with but wouldn't see his kids without.

Show quote history

Except if you seperate it can easily become the very familiar refrain of seeing child maintenance as supporting the EX rather than their DC. He already sounds entitled about sex, he already views the kids and lost sleep as your responsibility and parents only when he chooses to, he's really not looking like a good man you can rely on. He's not going to treat you better in seperation then when you're together. I wouldn't count on him financially supporting you, in fact supporting you in any way if you seperate. If you do at some stage decide you're done, you can hope for the best but you should plan for the worst just in case.

Canisaysomething · 26/09/2023 01:02

Nothing that kills the mood more than a sulky man moaning he isn’t getting enough attention.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 26/09/2023 06:35

Further to the earlier thread from Tired beyond belief but still happily married after 25 years (with 2 teenagers). I understood 4peasinapod wants to stay happily married not a separation, not a divorce. Most of the advice here is how unreasonable her husband is for wanting to have sex with his wife more than once a week. I am going to stick with my guns and say that OP needs to find time for her husband even if it means getting her other children cook, clean, babysit etc. Alternatively she needs to pay someone to babysit on a regular basis. I bet it was a long time since OP watched TV or sat in the garden with her husband together, just the 2 of them. If she wants to keep her marriage she needs to start paying attention to her husband, not just the kids. Good men are hard to find, not to keep. I have a lot of divorced female friends so I know what I am talking about.

MaryJanesonabreak · 26/09/2023 07:12

Tell your husband it’s very simple: ‘ the more you pitch in, the more sexy I will feel.’
If he’s being really thick count his working hours for him, then count yours.

Original poster
4peasinapod · 26/09/2023 08:19

Tiredbehyondbelief · 26/09/2023 06:35

Further to the earlier thread from Tired beyond belief but still happily married after 25 years (with 2 teenagers). I understood 4peasinapod wants to stay happily married not a separation, not a divorce. Most of the advice here is how unreasonable her husband is for wanting to have sex with his wife more than once a week. I am going to stick with my guns and say that OP needs to find time for her husband even if it means getting her other children cook, clean, babysit etc. Alternatively she needs to pay someone to babysit on a regular basis. I bet it was a long time since OP watched TV or sat in the garden with her husband together, just the 2 of them. If she wants to keep her marriage she needs to start paying attention to her husband, not just the kids. Good men are hard to find, not to keep. I have a lot of divorced female friends so I know what I am talking about.

Yes good men are hard to find, and so are good women. I pay good attention to my husband, i cook, clean, and take time to help him where possible. I love nothing more then being with him, what I am saying is life is busy now and I know in 1/2 years time life will somewhat calm, but for now I'm tired and exhausted and need some support rather then "we don't have enough sex" marriage is not easy it's hard work and we work hard to keep it together but for me right now I need him to understand that it would be nice if he worked with me and not against me like we have always done, and not sulk because he can't have sex as much as he wanted to. Our lives have changed for now, not forever.

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 26/09/2023 08:29

4peasinapod · 26/09/2023 08:19

Yes good men are hard to find, and so are good women. I pay good attention to my husband, i cook, clean, and take time to help him where possible. I love nothing more then being with him, what I am saying is life is busy now and I know in 1/2 years time life will somewhat calm, but for now I'm tired and exhausted and need some support rather then "we don't have enough sex" marriage is not easy it's hard work and we work hard to keep it together but for me right now I need him to understand that it would be nice if he worked with me and not against me like we have always done, and not sulk because he can't have sex as much as he wanted to. Our lives have changed for now, not forever.

Show quote history

So you feel like you're doing all you can, yet he's whining for even more from you (i.e. sex) rather than looking at how he can lighten your load.

Why is it all on the OP to sort? To 'find time for her husband', to 'pay someone to babysit'?

If he's so distraught at the lack of sex and the OP is too exhausted and doesn't have enough hours in the day to accommodate everyone's wants and needs, maybe he could pull his finger out and find a solution instead of just whining and sulking?

Justcallmebebes · 26/09/2023 08:43

Tiredbehyondbelief · 25/09/2023 22:40

"I am really annoyed he can't understand where I am coming from ." What is your husband meant to understand? That he is the last on your list of priorities? At least he has the decency to tell you how to fix things rather than seeing sex outside. Good men are hard to find, not hard to keep.

Wow