Not in a good place with DH

[4peasinapod]

Dh and I have been together for 27 years. We have 5 beautiful kids and life is busy.

We had an argument last week as I had locked the back door as 18 month old is great at opening doors and running. I had him ready for bed, kitchen cleaned and food on for hubby. He was gone with dd and had returned home to the door locked, he didn't have keys so banged on the door. I reared and gave out as did he. Fast forward to this week I have tried to communicate with him and sort the issue which I thought we did to be ignored when he came home from work when I said hello to him. Tried again last night to be told he is fed up with out no sex relationship. I genuinely thought we were doing ok, yes we're not at it every night but we were at least once a week minimum. We have a busy one year old, 4 others that take a lot of my energy, I'm exhausted by bed time.
I'm a sahm and do everything with the house and kids. Life is busy.
Before we had our last baby our sex life was great, we had time. Now it feels like I'm constantly chasing my tail and I don't think I have anymore to give at this point. I feel I'm pulled in so many directions.
AIBU here, I'm open to date night counselling which he won't do. Today he is sulking again and I hate this atmosphere around the kids.
I'm really annoyed that he can't understand where I'm coming from, and ignoring me is something I've never seen before.
I can't keep battling like this life is to short.

You have FIVE kids and he's hardly doing his share? And he expects you to be up for MORE sex?!

You'd be better of leaving him and insisting he takes the kids every other weekend and half the school holidays. At least that way you'd get a break!

Why is everyone here seems to think that OP needs to divorce her husband? She is exhausted and her husband is sulking because he doesn't have enough sex. If it was purely about sex, her husband would have made arrangements with someone else long time ago. He is lonely and frustrated. He is a good family man, he wants to have sex with his own wife . What's wrong with that? Women have always been more creative about relationships. OP needs to recognise that her husband feels neglected and act on it.

Bed should be your sanctuary after a busy day with 5 kids not yet another place where you are harassed. Once a week is far more than my exh got when our 2 children were young and he never ever moaned about it. Ignore the loon posting above about him feeling neglected - boo fucking hoo if he does.

@Tiredbehyondbelief PSA TO ALL OTHER POSTERS: THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A BOT/TROLL/14 YEAR OLD BOY WHO'S FALLEN DOWN THE ANDREW TATE EVIL-HOLE. Really a waste of time to engage with it.

Off the current subject but why didn’t your husband have door keys on him?

This used to be an issue with mine. He would never take a door key with him and when he went to the pub expected me to be ok with going to bed and leaving the door unlocked until he got back (which often was in the early hours like 1am). At the same time he would keep the keys to his vintage car locked in our wall safe. He was obviously worried someone might try and get into our house to steal them. He got incensed once when I genuinely thought he had a key and I had locked the door and gone to bed.

Somehow the inconvenience to him of having to pick up house keys and put them in his pocket was more important than about my peace of mind leaving the door unlocked.

Is this why your door key episode turned into an argument?

If it was, then combined with the sex comment he is being very entitled.

He had gone out and the set of keys he had taken didn't have the back door key on them. He is terrible with keys so for him to not have a key wouldn't be out of the norm. It was lashing with rain so that probably didn't help. We both gave off to each other in the heat of the moment. I didn't purposely lock it on him, and I was annoyed that he banged and gave off when I opened the door. I just said nope not taken that crap. I was making him food and had just cleaned the kitchen. My only thoughts at that time were, I have everyone settled for the evening, dress for bed and hubby's food will be ready when he gets back.
Leaving or divorce I'm not quiet there yet, but if he is still sulky and difficult I think it's time to pick myself up gather my thoughts and do what's right for me and my kids. This atmosphere is not right for kids and would only lead to more issues going forward. I deal with an 18mo who loves to throw tantrums, I cant deal with a grown man doing the same.

You think having sex once a week when they have 5 children to look after means she’s not paying him enough attention?! What the hell. The OP sounds exhausted, and her job clearly starts when she wakes up and ends when she goes to sleep with minimal help from her “frustrated and lonely” husband. Maybe if he stepped up and was more of a husband and parent the OP would have more time. Also sex once a week with 5 children is a hell of a lot more than most couples have with kids. @4peasinapod it sounds like your husband is expecting way too much of you and it should actually be you who is unhappy with him and his lack of effort to create a happy home.

Coerced sex is not consensual sex and is listed as domestic abuse by women’s aid. Is that what you want?

Tweddle I think you are misreading the situation. I read all the posts from the beginning and there is no hint of violence in this relationship. Two tired people had a shouting match over a silly matter. The husband complained he doesn't get enough sex. If it was purely about sex he would have made arrangements with someone else long time ago. I suggested that OP gets her other children to help with running the house and/or get a babysitter. So that she and her husband can spend quality time together, watch TV, sit in the garden, just the 2 of them. No where did I say she MUST have sex. I don't know if it's relevant to the post but my best friend lost her husband to another woman in August (married for 5 years, no kids). She is a very successful at her work with lots of important clients. Her husband complained back in April he didn't feel loved with her working long hours. My friend brushed it aside. My friend worked out he slept with the other woman early in July. He moved out 6 weeks later. Now my friend regrets bitterly that she hasn't been paying enough attention to her marriage. But it's too late, he is adamant he is happier in his new home

@Tiredbehyondbelief Wow. I honestly feel sorry for your wife if this is your genuine mindset. Either you are on here for a wind up or you have very outdated entitled views.

So what changed between child no 4 (more than difficult for many people!) And no 5?

I am actually a woman. Happily married to a man for the last 25 years. 2 kids. Full time work. I actually earn more money than my husband

Nothing really changed apart from being busy with a crazy busy toddler. Life is now busy, we have kids going all sides with activities.
I reminded him of the time when we were on holiday and I wasn't as stressed and busy. We had sex every night sometime twice, that was over a year ago and he said and wasn't that nice, I said yes of course it was because I was relaxed and didn't feel pulled and dragged at. He gets it now and when we spoke more he really couldn't handle the rejection when I said no, when I explained it wasn't rejection it was in fact pure exhaustion and tiredness and sometimes survival mentally he understood. It's a start it's not 100% but it's something. I know as a kid he felt rejected and not good enough and I feel that stems from there, he would never talk about it but over the years he is always trying to prove himself to his family, but in the last year that has stopped as I think he seen their true colours.

I am glad to hear you had a meaningful conversation with your husband. I always knew there was something more to the situation than just lack of sex

Yes and good wives are hard to find. Lets not do the kiss man butt post. He should help out more at home if he wants more sex, she may have more energy then