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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Respect

27 replies

whatawhoha · 25/09/2023 14:15

How do you respect your husbands?

I am in counselling with my husband and he has said, he does not feel respected by me. I do respect him, and when asked what I resect about him, very on the spot, I said I respected his achievements, his parenting, his opinions, his intelligence, his ambition. I was told that is a list I could have said about anyone, and did not show respect for my husband.

What would you have said? Where have I gone wrong?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 25/09/2023 14:21

He's the only one who can tell you. Will he not?

Watchkeys · 25/09/2023 14:22

And why do you assume that if he doesn't like something you've said, you've gone wrong?

Original poster
whatawhoha · 25/09/2023 14:32

He hasn't, I've asked, but been told it's not about what I'm not doing....

I feel like I've gone wrong as he is obviously not feeling respected, I want him to, and with the list I gave, it felt like i was seriously missing something...

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 25/09/2023 14:36

Sorry, you've been told it 'isn't about what you're doing'?

I don't understand. If you ask him what's wrong, what is it that he wants you to say? Will he not tell you? As in 'You're messing up, and I'm upset with you, but I'm not going to tell you why'?

Can you see the difference between something not pleasing him, and it being 'wrong' or an error on your part? You're allowed not to have the opinion of him that he wants you to.

Are you generally allowed your opinion in this relationship? Do you feel heard, listened to, and respected, yourself?

Walkacrossthesand · 25/09/2023 14:37

Would he perhaps feel 'respected' if you were a submissive wife and yielded to his superior opinion (sarcasm alert) in everything?

purplenavy · 25/09/2023 14:38

What prompted the counselling OP?

Missedmytoe · 25/09/2023 14:39

Who implied that your list was inadequate? The counsellor or your husband? If the latter, what did the counsellor say?

NW1738 · 25/09/2023 14:41

What the actual.

Respect is earned. If there are elements of your husband that you don’t respect, that’s on him.

He sounds like a tedious misogynist to me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/09/2023 14:41

Are you behaving as if you don't respect him? Or is this arbitrarily?

spookehtooth · 25/09/2023 14:43

I loathe vague descriptions. Nobody deserves respect all of the time, although how that lack of respect is communicated matters.
I prefer issues to be brought up when they're happen or clearly referenced later as a specific example. Otherwise It's hard to explain, justify or apologise as appropriate for that situation as appropriate and find recurring scenarios.

Always think about his behaviour in the scenarios and how it makes you feel, regardless of how you treated him. Being treated badly doesn't give anyone an automatic the right to treat you badly back

Original poster
whatawhoha · 25/09/2023 14:49

The counsellor suggested the list wasn't enough....but there was no suggestion about what was missing, just that it wasn't adequate.

The why he doesn't feel respected is down to a few action previously in our relationship, probably due to me having quite a low self esteem and using our (what i thought was a fairly solid) relationship as a prop. I have accepted that and apologised, he also feels i am taking the piss as I don't feel like he prioritised our relationship and that makes him feel like I do not respect him.

OP posts:
YomAsalYomBasal · 25/09/2023 14:55

A lot of men confuse respect with obedience.

weirdoboelady · 25/09/2023 15:02

So you could have said that list about 'anybody'. (Not actually anybody, only people you actually respect.) Has your H (and the counsellor!) thought this through? Is your H supposed to be the ONLY person you respect? Or are you supposed to respect your H in a way you don't respect other people? Whole thing sounds a bit mad to me. I'm not clear what H (again, and the counsellor) expect from you. Yes, respect has to be earned....

Original poster
whatawhoha · 25/09/2023 15:02

@YomAsalYomBasal · Today 14:55

A lot of men confuse respect with obedience.

I honestly don't think this is an obedience issue. Its communication. He doesn't know what he wants from me, but knows I am not fulfilling whatever it is he needs...

OP posts:
theansweris42 · 25/09/2023 15:03

*YomAsalYomBasal · Today 14:55

A lot of men confuse respect with obedience*

Yep

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 25/09/2023 15:03

The counsellor said the list wasn't enough.....

They shouldn't have said that, they should have asked him what he thought was missing from the list and what, specifically, was he expecting from you in the way of respect.

Get a different counsellor, and go on your own.

Original poster
whatawhoha · 25/09/2023 15:07

@weirdoboelady

So you could have said that list about 'anybody'. (Not actually anybody, only people you actually respect.) Has your H (and the counsellor!) thought this through? Is your H supposed to be the ONLY person you respect? Or are you supposed to respect your H in a way you don't respect other people? Whole thing sounds a bit mad to me. I'm not clear what H (again, and the counsellor) expect from you. Yes, respect has to be earned....

I made the point that I hadn't said that list about anyone, but the comment still stood, and left me feeling like I had missed a huge part of respect out.

I am not sure what its expected of me either, there was such long pauses that it felt like I was supposed to be coming to some grand revelation about how I actually didn't respect him, or the fact that I am failing in this area means my marriage deserves to be, or should be, over. Felt very much like a pile on.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2023 15:10

It sounds like your husband and the therapist are both gaslighting you.

He doesn't know what he wants from me, but knows I am not fulfilling whatever it is he needs...

Fine. Then end the marriage, op. Let him go find what he's looking for and stop wasting your fucking time. You are trying to fix your relationship while he wants you to solve riddles. Fuck that.

Ending a toxic marriage is not a failure, it's what needs to happen.

spookehtooth · 25/09/2023 15:22

He doesn't know what he wants from you? If he doesn't know then how on earth are you supposed to know or help. Have you invented the mind reading machine, and cruelly hiding it from him?

Have you thought about this from your own perspective? Are you getting what you need from him? How do you feel about how you're being treated, in the relationship and this therapy? It might help to imagine somebody else going through this, and what you would say to them in response to both those questions

yearofthebuttercup · 25/09/2023 15:23

Wow, what an entitled prick your husband is being, and a strange sort of counsellor...was he perhaps a man? Or some sort of counsellor for Christian couples?

NW1738 · 25/09/2023 16:20

Is the councillor a man?

Watchkeys · 25/09/2023 16:26

I don't know about you, op, but my respect for my partner would be draining fast if I was in your shoes. How can you respect someone who makes you feel bad for not giving them what they need, but refuses to tell you what it is?!

Bookworm20 · 25/09/2023 16:31

Is the counsellor a man by any chance?

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 25/09/2023 16:36

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 25/09/2023 15:03

The counsellor said the list wasn't enough.....

They shouldn't have said that, they should have asked him what he thought was missing from the list and what, specifically, was he expecting from you in the way of respect.

Get a different counsellor, and go on your own.

This.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 25/09/2023 16:38

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2023 15:10

It sounds like your husband and the therapist are both gaslighting you.

He doesn't know what he wants from me, but knows I am not fulfilling whatever it is he needs...

Fine. Then end the marriage, op. Let him go find what he's looking for and stop wasting your fucking time. You are trying to fix your relationship while he wants you to solve riddles. Fuck that.

Ending a toxic marriage is not a failure, it's what needs to happen.

This x100

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