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Original poster

MIL said we seem more like friends than lovers

60 replies

DMMMJ · 25/09/2023 11:19

Having a chat wit MIL regarding DH and she said "I've always found it strange that you both seem more like friends than lovers"

I haven't stopped thinking about it since she said it. What does that actually mean?

We have been together 12 years and have 3 DC, we were good friends before we got together but I'm really confused as to what she means.

We spend 1 day a fortnight with MIL due to work commitments etc and that day is either spent out for a meal or at home Having food and a chat.

Can anyone elaborate on what she means? Am I missing something or is she expecting something more I really don't know but can't stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 25/09/2023 12:03

I'd ignore her. My DH is also my best friend. Funnily enough my MIL isn't someone we start snogging eachothers faces off in front of. You have 3 DC, and your hands full. The fact you still seem to like eachother enough for her to think you're friends is probably an achievement 😂

UrsulaBelle · 25/09/2023 12:04

Maybe her experience of marriage was less friendly, and her experience of romantic love was more about the early days of lust, which transformed into a poor relationship. She can't get her head around the fact that you and your DH are still friendly?

GingerIsBest · 25/09/2023 12:05

Well, my mother would see me and DH being friends as a really good sign. I think it was one of the things she liked about DH and I. We would hang out together and joke and laugh and tease each other.

I assume that she assumed that the "lover" part was private. Certainly, the fact that we have children suggests it's definitely a thing! Grin.

Are you questioning yourself because yo also feel like you and your Dh are "just" friends?

OuiRagamuffin · 25/09/2023 12:07

I'd guess that your solid relationship holds up some mirror to her own, and she has to believe that yours is in some way odd rather than that her own is build on a more fragile platform. Lots of older women (talking 70 something at least) if they got married nearly 50 years ago, it was mostly based on stepping in to stereotypical gender roles and attraction, and i guess as you age and know that you're not ''attracting'' your husband any more, it must make the relationship feel like a habit.

OuiRagamuffin · 25/09/2023 12:08

UrsulaBelle · 25/09/2023 12:04

Maybe her experience of marriage was less friendly, and her experience of romantic love was more about the early days of lust, which transformed into a poor relationship. She can't get her head around the fact that you and your DH are still friendly?

I'd suspect this too.

minipie · 25/09/2023 12:10

My grandma said something like this about one of my earlier relationships, “where’s the passion” I think were her words. I think her marriage probably was more passionate, based on the little I know (they effectively ran away together and got married v young). However he turned out to have multiple affairs and then left 🤷‍♀️ I’ll choose my more staid relationships over that thanks.

Watchkeys · 25/09/2023 12:10

I think it might be a good idea to look into why it's bothering you so much, rather than what she specifically meant. After all, what's concerning you is your own interpretation, not her meaning. And your response is something you can actually investigate, whereas, other than simply asking her, there's not much more you can get from what she said.

Why is it bothering you so much? Do you feel you're more like friends than lovers? Does it bother you in a deep down way? Are you afraid of it happening, even if it isn't at the moment? Is the issue more about her and her judgements of you/your relationship? Or her tone when she said it? Did it feel unpleasant to have your relationship analysed at all by someone external to it? Is it a 'It's none of your business!!' type feeling you've got?

ABeesWings · 25/09/2023 12:10

I think it’s a very strange thing for a MIL to say.
She might be trying to sow seeds of doubt in your mind.

I would just ignore her comment and move on.

Original poster
DMMMJ · 25/09/2023 12:12

@GingerIsBest I definitely wouldn't class us as just friends our youngest DC is 4 months old and DH currently works nights in order to help out throughout the day with other DC so the lover side of things probably isn't 100% there at the moment but that is Purley down to our situation at the moment but we are happy we get along just fine and when we do get time together we relish it and make do what we can with it.

OP posts:
travelallthetime · 25/09/2023 12:15

You are massively overthinking this and what your MIL says means nothing. I have an amazing relationship with my husband, we are best friends, rarely fight, generally agree on most things and ignore each others flaws. We are not however romantic in any way shape or form. This does not mean we dont have a sex life, we absolutely do but we dont really kiss each other goodbye, hold hands a lot (we do if it is just us but not often, dont feel the need to be all over each other or spout lovey dovey crap on facebook. We do however do things like grab a favourite bar of chocolate from the shop every now and again, make time to go out together at least once a month. If anyone told me what your MIL said I would shrug and say yes, we are best friends wahts the issue?

Slothsandspiderman · 25/09/2023 12:15

Honestly OP I would take this as a backhanded compliment. My mum said something similar. Eg “ you are so lucky that you and DH are friends”. She meant we are on equal footing. Her generation- at least the women in her family- were basically tied to a man once married and life pretty much revolved around the man. She was lucky she had a good marriage and a good man, but as a child we all knew that “what dad wants - dad get.” Don’t let others view of your relationship bother you

Mari9999 · 25/09/2023 12:17

@DMMMJ
In a healthy relationship you should be both lovers and friends. I think that your MIL was trying to compliment you .

Original poster
DMMMJ · 25/09/2023 12:21

@Mari9999 I would have taken it as a compliment if the words I find it strange didn't come before it ha ha

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 25/09/2023 12:24

@DMMMJ
She may have found it strange because she never had that friend relationship with FIL.

Tumbler2121 · 25/09/2023 12:26

I was married very young and we lived with his family for a while. At one point, my MIL said to me "he may not show it, but he's very fond of you really"!

Idiot woman had no idea what we were like together when she wasn't there.

Original poster
DMMMJ · 25/09/2023 12:28

@travelallthetime this is a bit like us we don't hold hands in public because we normally have one of the DC each however we do always kiss each other goodbye we say love you before hanging up the phone and when I take MIL home after our fortnightly outing DH always says love you to MIL then says to me "drive carefully, see you when you get home, love you" some times there's a kiss at the end of it some days not if I'm rushing to get her home we are sort of just out the door so she hears this also its not as if she hasn't even seen or heard us being affectionate.

OP posts:
Original poster
DMMMJ · 25/09/2023 12:32

@Tumbler2121 yes I think this is what baffled me because I'm thinking how can you judge our relationship on a basis of seeing us for around 7 hours a fortnight.

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 25/09/2023 12:34

Most of it was probably about her and her own relationship with her husband... if she was neither friends nor lovers with him - she will not have had a happy / contented life. Maybe she needs someone to confide in.

On your side - you seem 'confronted' by her comment. Your relationship sounds perfectly normal for a family with three young children but maybe you feel that there could be more affection / sex in your life but with a four month old and a partner who works nights, that might be lacking. If this is how you feel, talk to your partner... if you keep the lines of communication open, when the time comes, the sex can return.

BusyBees1234 · 25/09/2023 12:35

My BIL and his gf are the same. Been together four years and they look like two people that have just met for the first time at a bus stop when together

Dontfencemein · 25/09/2023 12:38

Is she nosy and trying to initiate a conversation about your relationship?

Lindy2 · 25/09/2023 12:41

What an odd thing to say.

Friendship is what keeps a relationship strong over the longer term. I'm not sure what your MIL meant but to have a good friendship with your spouse is a very positive thing.

Don't let her odd comment unsettle you. It sounds like you and your DH have got things on a sound footing.

CurlewKate · 25/09/2023 12:45

@Lindy2 -if this is worrying you, I'd ask for the thread to be deleted and post again, saying that your friend said it. The word MIL drives all sense out of some people's heads.

CurlewKate · 25/09/2023 13:01

Incidentally, what's wrong with thinking of your children as sexual beings?

GreyCarpet · 25/09/2023 13:01

Freezingcoldinseptember · 25/09/2023 11:46

Sounds like is is wistful you and dh have the sort of marriage she would have liked...

I'd agree with this.

Original poster
DMMMJ · 25/09/2023 13:04

@ChateauMargaux I'm fine with the way things are we have DC of course it's not going to like we've just got together we are romantic when we can be and we make sure we have time to be sometimes it's spur of the moment some times it's not we make do with what we can and can't do and that's fine for us.

@Dontfencemein I'm not sure, there's not really much to tell I'm off on mat leave DH is working every hour he can we are just a normal family getting by and providing for our children and she knows this.

OP posts:
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