Does my boyfriend deserve my trust?

[indie12345]

I find it hard to trust since my ex cheated on me.
How can I be more trusting of my current boyfriend- he has never given me any reason to doubt it but sometimes I'll get scared and make up silly reasons he could be cheating on me (eg not answering a call quick enough, having to go in work early, getting a hair cut)
I will know deep down these are over reactions and my anxiety playing up so I never say anything to him, but its hard for me to deal with.
How can I move on from the fear of being cheated on and comfortably give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt he has proven he deserves?

I'll get scared and make up silly reasons he could be cheating on me is actually a big red flag from you.

There is as much reason to ask “does he deserve this terrible behaviour?” as does he deserve your trust.

Ultimately phoning someone every five minutes destroys relationships and won’t stop him cheating. If he cheats then you can survive it- you did before and know it’s no reflection on you.

@TheresaOfAvila it's fear, not a red flag- nothing is ever acted upon.

He experiences no terrible behaviour as I never act on my anxiety. Don't make assumptions.

I do not call him every 5 minutes- again another assumption. I'm talking about phone calls couple's make and my heart sinks if its more than a couple of rings (due to past trauma of my ex not answering calls all night because he was on the phone with another woman) but I never act on this feeling- I just struggle after.

So can we go back to my actual question and away from you assumptions please- how can I feel more comfortable giving him the benefit of the doubt and over come my fear?

Thanks for assumptions

From experience it just takes time. You're not unreasonable to feel this way, you're right to not act on it (as you've said, there's a big difference). Over time as it fully sinks in that he doesn't do anything dodgy, doesn't give you a reason to mistrust him, does do lovely caring things etc (assuming he's a good guy!) your subconscious does just sort of settle down.

But in the meantime you have to catch yourself when you feel like this (or as many times as you can) and almost explain to your subconscious why it's being a bit overprotective! I.e. no he's probably just busy which is why he didn't pick up. His phone might be in another room. Maybe he's with a friend and that's fine.

Give your brain other, reasonable, options to assume - then try to train it into the default assumption always being positive (obviously watch out for actual shady behaviour etc etc). It's complicated to explain and sounds like a lot of work but it wasn't too bad for me. Basically what would you tell yourself if your best friend didn't pick up - tell yourself that for him too.

Being single for a few years also helped but clearly that isn't really a solution to your actual query 😆

I don't think you should date someone you don't trust. It's really not fair on your partner. Dating someone who is suspicious of everything you do is pretty wretched. You might think you're hiding it, but people know.

I agree. It isn't about giving him the trust he's "earned". He should no more need to earn your trust than you should need to earn his. Your behaviour is controlling, and that is not a good basis for a relationship. Step away, and get some help for your issues. He deserves better.

You've almost got to retrain your brain that there are many, more-likely, reasonable reasons why he doesn't answer his phone within a couple of rings or reply to messages instantly. If you're feeling high levels of anxiety and taking things like going for a hair cut as proof he's cheating, you might benefit from talking to someone like a counsellor and therapist to help get past those feelings.

On the other hand it might also be that you need some space from relationship ls for a while until you're further down the healing process.

There are no overt bad behaviour from you, but I'd bet there are subtle ones. You're a bit quieter when you next see him, you react differently to text messages, etc. your anxiety WILL have an effect.

So you need to go to the root cause and that's your anxiety. Maybe something like CBT where you train yourself to react differently to things would help? If you Google there are some exercises you can do yourself, it might be worth a try. If that doesn't help then you should seek therapy.

How long ago did you break up with your ex and how long have you been dating your current boyfriend?

Actually, your original question in the title of your OP is “does my boyfriend deserve my trust?” And from the information you’ve given us, the answer is yes.

It doesn't sound like you're ready for a relationship yet. I don't think I could be in one where I was questioned over getting a hair cut or not answering a phone quickly enough.

Yes, your actual boyfriend is not your past relationship.

Your fears are yours and if you don't act on them you may ruin this relationship, have you thought about some counselling? They are very helpful.

You don't think that underlying feelings can be a red flag, @indie12345 ? So, if someone had underlying desires to murder their partner, but hadn't mentioned it, their partner would be well advised to stay with them?

How can I move on from the fear of being cheated on and comfortably give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt he has proven he deserves

Have an open, honest relationship, where you talk about your feelings and bring your whole self to your partner. You're talking about trust, but misleading your partner into thinking you feel fine when you don't. You are currently the one proving that you are not trustworthy.

Do you have ROCD op….

Fabulous advice from @flipperdoda. Do that.

I usually hate CBT but CBT could help with this alot :)

I really like the way Matthew Hussey puts it: you don't trust that your partner will never betray you. You trust YOURSELF that if that were to happen, you would protect yourself and step away. You never know what someone else is going to do, all you can do is work on yourself so you feel that confidence and trust in your own strength and wisdom.

If you are constantly feeling anxious with/about your boyfriend, that is your body telling you something. Either, this person isn't quite right. Or, you're not ready for this relationship. Either way, I would listen to your body and take a big step back.

It is just as much controlling as a man treating you like this, if I was treated this way my partner would soon be my ex

If you need counselling get but stop blaming him for your issues

@Ascendant15 hi, please tell me which bit of my behaviour is controlling?
I said I have anxiety and don't act on anything, I just struggle myself until it passes.
Please don't make assumptions and tell me I'm controlling when I know I'm not, and my post is talking about my thoughts and fears, not my behaviour

@Tenashelflife that wasn't the question

@Watchkeys I don't really think that's a fair comparison. Murder compared to a bit of anxiety in certain situations? Bit of a stretch.
And working on mental health doesn't make you untrustworthy. Plus if you didn't make an assumption my boyfriend is fully aware of my issues, I'm just trying to make them go away completely. And he's aware because we spoke about what happened before we got together, not because of what I put him through now (just incase you want to make another assumption)

@Dolores87 what's that?

@GreenAventurinee what's that?

@WandaWonder I'm sorry, please tell me how I've treated him?
I'm interested what mad assumptions you have made up from me saying I FEEL these things.
How is me getting anxious for a few hours but not acting on it by accusing him of anything treating him badly? I wish the anxiety wasn't there, but it is, so I work on it myself.
I just need to overcome that stage and feel comfortable in trusting myself to ignore these false alarm bells which is a big step for me.

Even if you're genuinely not acting on them, you're still letting yourself to be controlled by your anxieties.

Your previous relationship has left your self-esteem at rock bottom and this is how you have to reframe your thinking.

You have to realise that not only does your boyfriend deserve to be trusted - YOU deserve to be in a healthy relationship, one that is a safe space, one where you relax and trust your partner. Because constant anxiety and paranoia is no way to live - it means you can't enjoy your relationship or your life.

Trusting your partner simply makes for a better life for yourself. And like a PP said, you have to also trust yourself to know that if they betray that - that's not in your control, it won't be your fault, and you can walk away if it happens.