Do narcissistic abuser re-write history on purpose? What would actually happen if they actually told the truth?

[Ifyousayso1]

I just don’t get it.
My ex tells our daughter the most ridiculous un truths. I don’t even understand why it matters or why he feels the needs to. Eg he told her last week her first word was dada and he her first steps were to him. It’s simply un-true. We all laughed hysterically when her first word was the dogs name and she walked for her nanny. What’s the point in not saying the truth, it doesn’t make him look bad. I guess the lie makes him look better.

It bloody winds me up. The truth is a fact it can’t be changed for anyone’s benefit, that’s just lying isn’t it?

narcissists are often compulsive liars - ask him what he ate for breakfast and he will probably lie too

When you get one that goes to those lengths, it's insane, no other way to look at it. It's a lie but they believe the lie as truth and it doesn't matter how much you say otherwise, have evidence or witnesses they double down.

I've experienced the same but to greater more insidious lengths where they've rewritten history to suit a narrative that they are a victim and are trying to destroy me. A new person has emerged, totally different character.

It's all to protect their ego, they can't be wrong. They know they are wrong but can't accept it so they bend and twist the truth, then believe this new false truth as if it really happened to put them in the right or a better light, usually at the detriment to others.

It sounds insane because it is and you only believe it when you see it for yourself.

@PaintedEgg do they know the truth or have they completely accepted what they are saying as the truth. I don’t understand the need for this? I remember when together I’d get so confused. Him telling me I said something when I knew I didn’t but not getting him to accept it at all.

I feel sorry for our daughter as she will say daddy said I said dada first and I’ll say well here’s a funny story you said the dogs name first as you loved her so much….

My mum wouldn't react well to being told the truth about her behaviour EVER

Narcissists have to be the centre of the universe. In both those examples, the main focus of the story isn’t your daughter. It’s him. It’s all about his spotlight. My uncle is EXACTLY the same and it’s infuriating.

As the world revolves around them there is only their truth, no other truth.

@Catsafterme oh know this is tame. 3 years in court of his lies I had and an awful 10 year abusive marriage. Now he’s lying to our daughter.

from what I've read - psychiatrists are divided as to whether they believe their own lies, but since these people create a whole alternative reality in their head I wouldn't be surprised if they eventually forgot what was real and what wasn't

Quite often, narcissists lie to change someone's opinion of them. So a seemingly innocent event like a child's first steps will be rewritten to paint themselves in a better light. It's exhausting and the best thing you can do is to roll your eyes and leave them too it. Trying to fight delusions with logic and truth is like pissing into the wind.

I think they know deep down but they can't accept it any other way. The world revolves around them, they are a child in an adults body, one that demands attention, admiration and to be best always.

Generally from my experience if you'd were to have an opinion of your own, disagree or push back it ends badly. Similarly if you call one out for what they are, something demonic appears and you are enemy number one and they will stop at nothing.

However, they are incredibly dumb with it. Their emotions rule and their compulsive lies catch up with them. Any rational person would be careful but not these, they make all kinds of accusations that make no sense and trip themselves up. That lie doesn't work, try another, nope, another. They are contradictory, their words don't match their actions or reality.

@Ifyousayso1 I believe I've been dealing with a covert, my wife and it was abusive the entire marriage. I've not done anything at all but try and do everything I could. It didn't matter, it was all a lie a setup for failure.

Now, history has been rewritten and she has taken our children and won't let me see them. Not seen or spoken to them in six months.

Everything she did she has accused me of but again it doesn't make sense because it's all lies. There's so many holes it's laughable in a way and I've proved them with evidence...now I gotta wait for court.

I often wonder the same thing...I have someone in my family who is a compulsive liar. She is not a bad person (at least now, after years of hard work which is really impressive to be honest). But the things she lies about are so weird - for example, adapting her friend's story to herself and changing few details

or she will never tell the same story twice, like some details will be changed (and getting more and more dramatic).

Most people live in a spectrum were they assume people aren’t lying to them. Mainly because most people are uncomfortable with any form of lying, even white lies. The best we can do is omit or evade the truth and hope nobody probes.

Narcs take advantage of the societal norm that we assume someone is telling the truth. Like pp say they tell whoppers and mostly get away with it until their behaviour is exposed. Then it all seems ridiculous. Especially when they accuse others of doing the thing they are doing.

Since narcs never tell the truth it’s impossible even for psychologists to get to the bottom of it. Which is why they can’t be treated. I go with fundamental low esteem. They don’t have normal feelings so don’t get why people would love them for who they are. Plus their level of delusion is off the scale. They believe in their lies because they believe that is the truth they deserve. It quickly becomes their reality.

I’m pretty sure that for them, it is the truth.

@LemonTT That is my experience, incapable of being loved or believing it could be true. Self sabotaging behavior, almost thriving on chaos, manipulation and lies. Peace and stability does not mix, and it's almost seen as wrong, it's too normal or peaceful.

Hatred like no other, can put on a show and act like normal person but behind closed doors, envious, jealous and deep seated hatred for everyone including themselves.

It's sad in a way, what a way to live.

I have been doing therapy and have read that they often have an empty hole inside them, often caused by some childhood drama. They close a door on it and spend the rest of their lives avoiding looking into that door. It means they have to perform mental gymnastics to keep their ego swollen.

To feel good they need others to tell them they are good. They don’t have anything inside to tell them this. I guess when thinking about the past they rewrite it to make themselves either the one who had done no wrong, or in your case, the hero at the centre of the story.

I was a STAHM mother as my ex was in the military and often away for weeks on end. The way he tells it, you’d think he was the most perfect hands on dad ever, and my contribution was negligible.

Im still dealing with the emotional mess I have become from years with a verbal abuser/narcissist- but I’m trying to learn to feel sorry for him. At least I think can get better. He never will.

@Isheabastard It without a doubt does long term damage after being in it for so long, has me anyway but it's not over yet. Narcissist abuse I have read is akin to being at war, psychologically damaging.

That's what I have come across too, like a void inside they need to compensate for. It's almost as if they are continuously running from the truth or reality. Rather than accept who they are, someone with flaws like everyone else and deal with it, they instead shape shift into some new version, a blank slate. Only to repeat the same mistakes.

I've also read they have no concept of the past like most people nor foresight for the future. That they are literally living in the moment. That would explain why you can do something nice and an hour later be accused of never doing anything for them., perhaps.

@Catsafterme I have a very similar experience...although I do feel sorry for the person I know. As much as they cause chaos around them, I don't think there is anyone more unhappy than they are - no real friendships to speak of, they jeopardise all relationships they have, they cannot connect even to people they love (in their own way) and can never be satisfied with who they are and what they have. It's such a depressing existence...

One of the things that still catch’s me out even years later was the way his eyes would look when he was angry at me. Evil. I used to say to him that you really scared me. How you can switch between loving someone and hating and back in an instant is scary.

@PaintedEgg That's what happened here, all bridges burned, every single one. Although now with this new character a few new have come on the scene but don't the real person yet. Only matter of time. This situation now is awful, my children are fully isolated, nobody knows how they are.

Yes, must be a miserable existence. I tried and tried but nothing changed and the abuse got worse. Third parties are seeing it now, slowly, it's unhinged but now I got to show the courts.

@Ifyousayso1 That what you have experienced I believe is narcissistic rage. Soulless, dead eyes filled with hatred, that's the filter dropping. I thought I had seen the lengths of that over the years, until I made the mistake of unmasking mine and my God something else emerged. Hence why I am now being vilified.

My ex has completely rewritten history since I caught him out cheating last year. It was like a switch flipped. He lies to our children’s faces about where he is. He spends about 3-4 weeks a year with them and believes he is the most incredible dad on the planet. All of our past agreements have been thrown back in my face. He still try’s to control us making demands about taking the kids to certain clubs on the days and times he dictates. It took me months just to get him to stop watching us on our home doorbell camera. The lies are phenomenal though and I too question wether he actually believes what he is saying. There is no rationalising with him.

He is now dating a new women on another continent and has completely reinvented himself pretending he is in to art and music. Absolutely love bombed her making declarations of love within weeks. He is a master manipulator and I actually feel rather sorry for her despite her having been the other women.

My ex has managed to get himself another lady whilst in family court where they denied him any contact for years. She got pregnant and he has moved in. I can only imagine the lies he has spun her. I still don’t understand how the lady could have a baby with a man who was denied contact with his child by a judge! I guess it just goes to show how good they are. I feel for her but he completely left me alone once dating her.

They are good at it and it's disgusting when you think about it. The favourite method is for them to portray themselves as the victim and you as the evil person. So he's probably spun a twisted narrative and she feels sorry for him, until one day it will happen to her. They can keep it up for a while but that mask will slip.

This is how I fell into the trap all the way back along. An insecure, naive and innocent victim.

True narcissists have no sense of self. Everything that they have built up around their inner life is a construct, and to face that is to risk complete destruction of their sense of identity. For most, it is an unconscious fight to the death.

My ex does. So many things like this have happened over the 12 years since we split. He still makes things up, often things he's wants to happen and says I've agreed to verbally when I haven't. He is the classic narcissist, I know he will never change. Just know it's only 2 years till the youngest goes to uni and then I will never have to have anything to do with him again.