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Original poster

When do you divorce an alcoholic?

76 replies

thepinkbed · 22/09/2023 23:41

Hi wonderful people,
I'm at my wits end and if I'm honest I don't know what to do, needing to brain dump and hoping for advice or understanding.

Been married for 10years, D9 and D6, both working parents and moved to our dream home earlier this year. H set up his own business 2 years ago which I fully support financially as I inherited a decent sum awhile ago.

H has always been the joker and show off of the group socially. Always the first one drinking and the last one drinking, often even when everyone else has finished and he should. Progressively got worse, especially over past few years where he would only be able to go 1 night a week sober. On average have 2 nights a week out at local pubs and come home anytime after midnight totally wasted. The aftermath of this would be nasty snappy behaviour to me and the children. Sleeping in on work days despite working for himself and me doing everything for the children and working full time myself.

A few recent events I've witnessed him fall asleep at important events as he's too drunk and flirt with women at bars, forgetting I was there.

Last month I took him away from the children and arranged time to talk and confront him. He's got himself wasted, alone, before I even arrived which wasn't helpful. We had a very deep convo and I laid it out saying I want him to go sober or I'd leave him. He said he'd try and did put work in. 5 weeks later, and having not had a drink in that time and me just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, he's come home absolutely plastered. I locked him out in the cold and was so angry. Eventually let him in and he swore at me, saying I'm being ridiculous and not the woman he married.

My children saw me so upset tonight it was hard to keep my feelings inside. Oldest cried thinking that we're going to divorce. I knew he wouldn't be able to stay sober, deep down I know he never will. I don't know why I believe it every time, it's exhausting having anxiety every Friday (or Tuesday or any other night) night worrying about whether he'll be home or stay out. Why aren't my children and I enough to keep him out of the pub?!

I'm at my end. I have no more chances to give. I'm sick of the disrespect, lack of concern and thought. He mumbled to me 'I've only had a bit to drink and I thoroughly enjoyed it'. I don't know what to do, is there any hope of him putting family above drinking? How much is is affecting my daughters and will I be able to shield them from it? Do I separate or divorce him? The house we live in is in both our names (sadly) despite me paying for the whole house, no mortgage without a penny from him. Kicking myself now that I let his name on it.

I'm so sorry for the long, desperate post and thanks so much if you've even read it. I'm just not sure I have strength left....

OP posts:
Lavenderosa · 23/09/2023 20:43

This sounds like a nightmare for you. Now that you've told him you're going to see a solicitor, you might want to rethink leaving the children with him if you haven't already made other arrangements.

0lga · 23/09/2023 21:18

@thepinkbed well done, I know how hard it is to take these first few steps, it can seem a bit unreal, as if you are over reacting. It’s so tempting just to sweep it under the carpet as you have done so many times before and hope that This Time he will realise he’s gone too far.

Flowers
ChangedMyUsernameForThisThread · 23/09/2023 21:56

My dad was an alcoholic and my mum never left him, so I spent my entire childhood living with an alcoholic. I couldn’t leave home soon enough. I wish my mum had left him, I pleaded with her, and when I was 18 I guess I could only save myself.

The time to leave is now. Before your self
esteem is destroyed because he’s never going to chose you, or the kids, over alcohol. It’s not your fault, and I have made myself believe it wasn’t my dad’s fault either. It’s a disease and he was powerless.

My dad would come home paralytic a couple of nights every week and wake the whole house up. Sometimes he’d be crying, sometimes he’d be in a good mood, sometimes he’d be violent. It didn’t stop for my birthday, my GCSEs. I couldn’t risk having friends for a sleepover. Sometimes my mum chucked us in the car in our PJs and we drove off to sleep in the car in some carpark, and then have to go to school the next day. Sometimes the neighbours called the police, sometimes I did because he was violent with my mum. I spent the whole of my childhood anxious because I was dreading my dad getting home.

My dad minimised his behaviour and made out we were overreacting. Or he’d apologise and we were in the wrong for not accepting his apology. I also remember when I got angry with him he’d say my mum was poisoning me against him (she wasn’t, she tried everything to hide his behaviour from us). He was very popular and the life and soul, as you describe your DH, and things got progressively worse over many years. I don’t think most people realised the reality for his family.

The chances of him recovering are small, and any recovery is likely to have multiple relapses. Protect yourself and your children and make sure you aren’t dragged down with him. Try to support him from a distance, if you must support him. 30 years sine I left home and I’m still unpacking the emotional damage growing up in that situation has done to me. Im sorry this has happened to you all, but you can’t help him. Only he can do that.

HowAmYa · 23/09/2023 22:01

Mustardforest · 23/09/2023 03:40

This was a strange read, as an addict and daughter of an alcoholic, too.

Just take a step back for a second, breathe, and consider a few things:

"Arranged a time to talk and confront him."
-Going on the attack straight off (it doesn't mention other support) doesn't sit right. This is the time to offer the chance to have open discussion as a couple, a time to acknowledge one of you is struggling perhaps more than they realised. Is this depression, a mid-life crisis, is he hiding what he feels or sadness through drinking? This is then when you can discuss therapy, the AA, or a programme you can work through at home, social activities away from drinking etc. He needs help, not attack.

"I want him to go sober or I'd leave him."
Ultimatums are never a good place to put anyone in. Had you even explored the above? Many drink because they feel like a disappointment, or pressure in their lives. This just cranks it up to 11.

"I locked him out in the cold and was so angry. Eventually let him in and he swore at me, saying I'm being ridiculous and not the woman he married."
Yeah... that's uncalled for, honestly. Relapses ARE a known part of recovery. If you are both embarking on recovery, it needs to be a partnership, and you need to learn that. After a relapse you can then make your apologies, assess the triggers, and work together to put better mechanisms in place to prevent that happening again. Within reason, of course - but on his first go he made it to FIVE HOT DARN WEEKS. After barely making it 1 day a week until your ultimatum. He messed up, but man he did try.

Honestly, this whole post seems disappointing because it sounds like you have nothing but resentment for your partner - perhaps, ironically, this is perpetuating the circular issue you are in. Is he escaping to have a good time and relax with friends because it's tense at home? There's no love or warmth in your message, there's no concern for his health.

It sounds sad, loveless, and like both partners are struggling in their own ways.

It doesn't really seem like you want to help him or get your marriage back on track. Also - yes, us children of alcoholics are clued up and go through it. But what is often worse is being made to stay in a home where both parents loathe each other and there's an alcohol problem in the mix.

I'm sorry but your post is so incredibly warped, I can only assume you are in some co dependent relationship and still an addict. You should serious see someone about your addiction and not expect people to pussyfoot around you just to talk to you.

OP, leave. You and your children have 1 life, don't spend it trying to fix something that's unfixable.
He won't admit he has a problem. You'll never be s priority.
Don't give your children a chance to ever think this is normal behaviour.

Lizzieregina · 23/09/2023 22:03

I wouldn’t be telling him about the solicitor to be honest as he might start diddling the finances himself to preempt you from cutting him out.

Just find out where you stand with the house and the money and find out what you need to do with regard to getting him out of the house.

He obviously isn’t ready to deal with his problem and if you won’t do this for yourself, do it for your kids.

You’re discussing this with him because you want him to tell you how sorry he is and he’s going to change, but he’s not.

KeepTheTempo · 23/09/2023 22:07

So sorry OP, lots of other good advice I'd second, and especially going to Al Anon to meet others in your position, and finding best ways to support your kids.

Also agree with others about @Mustardforest , who clearly has a fair bit of work left to do, but is really dangerous for you to hear OP, because it will play into all the gaslighting and intense self-centredness that you'll be hearing from your own addict. His alcoholism is his choice and not because your home isn't warm. If you made it warmer, he'd just find another reason. And where's his concern for your health?

Best of luck. Family counselling can really help the kids cope through this, and remember, this isn't your doing, but you do still have your own choices, he doesn't get to control you.

BethDuttonsTwin · 23/09/2023 22:20

Him thinking I'm crazy and not understanding my feelings and reactions is spurring me on tbh.

He doesn't think you're crazy. He understands just fine. He simply has no intention of stopping drinking and will do or say anything to minimise and dismiss your attempts to address his clearly problematic alcohol consumption. As has already been said on this thread, his primary relationship and priority is alcohol and I am sorry but as hurtful as it is you and even your children don't even come close.

Catsafterme · 23/09/2023 22:27

He's likely to turn this on you and make out you are overreacting, out of order and crazy, he's trying to pass the blame. There may be more coming your way so stay strong.

Glad you are going to a support group and seeing a solicitor. Word of advice, keep your discussions and plans to yourself because because sometimes they use what you tell them against you to put you in a worse position, if they're cunning with it.

dcbgr · 23/09/2023 22:27

You help him escape the enslavement to alcohol and maybe even save this marriage. Google The Sinclair Method and help him to do it. If he doesn't like being an alcoholic there is a 90% chance it will work. Nothing else is more than 10% likely to work. Good luck

NotSoBigCrocodile · 23/09/2023 22:39

Mustardforest · 23/09/2023 03:40

This was a strange read, as an addict and daughter of an alcoholic, too.

Just take a step back for a second, breathe, and consider a few things:

"Arranged a time to talk and confront him."
-Going on the attack straight off (it doesn't mention other support) doesn't sit right. This is the time to offer the chance to have open discussion as a couple, a time to acknowledge one of you is struggling perhaps more than they realised. Is this depression, a mid-life crisis, is he hiding what he feels or sadness through drinking? This is then when you can discuss therapy, the AA, or a programme you can work through at home, social activities away from drinking etc. He needs help, not attack.

"I want him to go sober or I'd leave him."
Ultimatums are never a good place to put anyone in. Had you even explored the above? Many drink because they feel like a disappointment, or pressure in their lives. This just cranks it up to 11.

"I locked him out in the cold and was so angry. Eventually let him in and he swore at me, saying I'm being ridiculous and not the woman he married."
Yeah... that's uncalled for, honestly. Relapses ARE a known part of recovery. If you are both embarking on recovery, it needs to be a partnership, and you need to learn that. After a relapse you can then make your apologies, assess the triggers, and work together to put better mechanisms in place to prevent that happening again. Within reason, of course - but on his first go he made it to FIVE HOT DARN WEEKS. After barely making it 1 day a week until your ultimatum. He messed up, but man he did try.

Honestly, this whole post seems disappointing because it sounds like you have nothing but resentment for your partner - perhaps, ironically, this is perpetuating the circular issue you are in. Is he escaping to have a good time and relax with friends because it's tense at home? There's no love or warmth in your message, there's no concern for his health.

It sounds sad, loveless, and like both partners are struggling in their own ways.

It doesn't really seem like you want to help him or get your marriage back on track. Also - yes, us children of alcoholics are clued up and go through it. But what is often worse is being made to stay in a home where both parents loathe each other and there's an alcohol problem in the mix.

Your post made me feel sick to my stomach. Especially this part:

Is he escaping to have a good time and relax with friends because it's tense at home?

He is escaping to “have a good time” because he is an alcoholic and wants to drink. If you can describe drinking to the point of wetting yourself and passing out in the garden as having a good time.

Whether his home environment is tense or not is irrelevant, because he would still choose to go out and drink because he is an alcoholic.

On the subject of a tense home environment, I wonder why that might be? Perhaps you know because he, the alcoholic, is making things tense at home, and making home life unbearable for his family.

I bet this is the kind of nonsense you have to listen to from your husband OP - no self awareness, no accountability and blame shifting at its finest.

It’s not your responsibility OP to bend over backwards and ignore your own trauma resulting from your husband’s behaviour to ensure that your home environment is happy, joyous and free from all and any stresses that may lead your husband to drink. And in any event it would make no difference, because he would still choose to drink because he is an alcoholic.

Your post does nothing but make everything about her alcoholic husband and what he needs and how he feels, which isn’t helpful, as I’m sure in typical alcoholic fashion, her husband is already making everything about him (and his drinking) and has been doing so for a long, long time.

Just leave him OP. Life is far too short and so is your children’s childhoods. You will all thrive without him in your lives.

RandomMess · 23/09/2023 22:45

He's acting like because he doesn't want his life to change.

His first love is alcohol.

Please leave as soon as can. He may reach rock bottom once you leave he certainly never will if you stay.

Coyoacan · 24/09/2023 03:46

@dcbgr

The only person who can give up drinking is the alcoholic. The OP cannot make him give up.

mumtoboys12 · 24/09/2023 04:17

Al Anon is a great idea op. Xx

CookieDoughKid · 24/09/2023 04:52

Hi Op. My now ex dh was a functional alcoholic consuming 30 to 40 bottles of wine a month plus numerous pub visits. He was drinking throughout our 17 years but did abstain in-between due to various fitness initiatives. During our last year he got pretty bad with his drinking drank every day for a year. I put up with him as didn't want to leave the children a broken family. In the end, he met the OW. When he came clean to me he stopped overnight. His internal struggles depression because of his lying lifted now that he has come out with it. He's now moving out end of the year.

I don't know that he will stop being an alcoholic but I know 2 things . 1) you can't help him unless he wants to be helped and 2) there's almost always an underlying reason why they drink.

WendyWagon · 24/09/2023 05:41

OP it sounds like you are comfortably off so would your DH go to rehab?
I am a recovering alcoholic (it took me a year of a 21 month journey to say that). My DC are 20/24. I ruined a fair amount of their childhoods. I wasn't drunk in the garden or wetting myself, I too was the life and soul of the party. However I was self harming in a way due to PTSD and a crippling autoimmune disease. I had done two stints of end of life care. Alcohol blotted out the pain.
AA had a profound effect on me and the death of my younger brother and a close friend. Both alcoholics, both left young families. Tough love is the only thing that works. Rehab is 4-8 weeks. If he won't go he will die young. I wish the pushers (i.e drinks companies) would put pictures of liver disease on the bottles. But they won't, too much tax. It's also fun isn't it? until it isn't. If you decided to help him please don't think you can drink around him. You have choices, he has one. Give it up or lose his family.
Good luck with what you choose to do.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 24/09/2023 06:24

Hopefully the solicitor's appointment will go well. Given that his business was set up with your money, you might be able to agree to relinquish any rights to the business if he relinquished rights to the house and signs it over to you? I can't imagine the business continue if to do well after you break up given he will likely ramp up the drinking as he will feel he doesn't need to answer to you anymore.

mathanxiety · 24/09/2023 06:56

thepinkbed · 23/09/2023 20:27

H is acting like nothing has happened this evening, eating with the children and all fine. He didn't even want to talk once I'd put them to bed. But I made him sit down. He acted like a teenager and said I'd blown everything out of proportion and it was only one night. He very reluctantly said he was sorry but he enjoyed it and deliberately didn't look at his phone all evening when I was desperately calling him.

He's now in the spare room and thinks I've lost my mind. I told him I'm going to a group called AI-anon and explained it, he laughed. I said I am going to get an appointment with solicitor Monday. He stomped off and seemingly wasn't bothered. So that's that.

I have to be strong now, although am running on close to empty. Him thinking I'm crazy and not understanding my feelings and reactions is spurring me on tbh. Although I feel sick and so weak.

I'm glad you're going to Al Anon and also that you're seeing a solicitor.

Do not reveal anything else to him. Start thinking in terms of Me and I, or The Children and I. Stop thinking in terms of We .

You need to protect yourself and your children from the many elements of the fallout of alcoholism, and one of those elements is financial.

allabitmadtbf · 24/09/2023 07:15

I just wanted to post to tell you I was where you were 11 years ago but we didn't have children. I, like you tried everything. I left when I couldn't take anymore and I was going downhill rapidly. It was stressful but I have no regrets. You'll find the strength. I lost all respect for him and the final straw was drinking and driving. He lost me, his job, the house and his driving licence. He's still drinking now and waiting for a place in rehab. I hope he manages to stop but I very much doubt it. Four years after I left I met DP and all is well. I totally understand what you are going through. You can do this, life is much better without the constant knot of anxiety.

KeepTheTempo · 24/09/2023 08:28

@NotSoBigCrocodile the pp you mention was so likely so upsetting to you (and me and OP and anyone who's had to live with this) because they are themselves the addict, they're not taking about their husband, presumably they're not far in recovery and are sharing their own rationalisations.

Agree with everything else you've said though.

JFDIYOLO · 24/09/2023 11:24

If you're on Facebook there are support groups for families dealing with the impact of an alcoholic - might be good to find your community?

JFDIYOLO · 24/09/2023 11:25

Posted too soon ... some examples in pic

When do you divorce an alcoholic?
Trickytimer · 25/10/2023 09:32

Just read all of this thread, how are things now OP?

Cicciabella · 22/02/2024 22:33

I hope you left him, OP. I left my alcoholic ex 5 years ago, best life decision I ever made.

Dmsatdawn · 15/07/2024 20:23

I’m reading this with great interest. I want to divorce my ‘D’H who is an alcoholic. I’m mid 60’s so no kids at home now. He has been to detox and drank the minute he came out. I have told him I can/will not tolerate his daytime drinking (5 bottles of wine - sleeps then more) which continues.. I have supported him by taking him to case worker/AA meetings which he barely engages in. He is verbally and mentally abusive, does jack shit around the house and, much his annoyance, I have lost any compassion or love I had for him. I am a carer for an elderly relative and feel trapped and unable to move on.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 16/07/2024 05:43

Dmsatdawn · 15/07/2024 20:23

I’m reading this with great interest. I want to divorce my ‘D’H who is an alcoholic. I’m mid 60’s so no kids at home now. He has been to detox and drank the minute he came out. I have told him I can/will not tolerate his daytime drinking (5 bottles of wine - sleeps then more) which continues.. I have supported him by taking him to case worker/AA meetings which he barely engages in. He is verbally and mentally abusive, does jack shit around the house and, much his annoyance, I have lost any compassion or love I had for him. I am a carer for an elderly relative and feel trapped and unable to move on.

You should start your own thread so that people can help you. Many people will only read what the OP writes.

Swipe left for the next trending thread