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Original poster

More than friendship, less than a relationship, help.

27 replies

Littlemiss82 · 22/09/2023 23:03

Hi lovely ladies,

looking for advice on a situation im
in, that I’m starting to find hard, as my feelings grow.

I met a guy around 5 months ago. We chatted for a couple of weeks, then everything went quiet so thought it was over. After two weeks he got back im contact to say his ex girlfriend, had just had a baby and didn’t know how to tell me as he thought I wouldn’t be interested. I’m not one to judge and know everyone has a past. We decided to stay im touch and get to know each other and spoke on the phone regularly.

His ex has significant mental health issues and there has been a lot of issues since the birth of the baby. He has yet to see the baby as she has blocked this and he now has a solicitor involved in order to try and get shared custody, as he wants to play an active role in the child’s life. He’s received horrific messages froM his ex and it’s wearing him down.

We met at the beginning of August for a date and we got on so well. However whilst on the date, his exes friend called him, to interrogate why he had gone to a solicitor, so changed the tone of the rest of the date. After the date, he went AWOL for a couple of weeks and I never heard from him.

We started speaking again the middle of August, he told me he was struggling following the call he revived int he date and the stress. Things have been lovely, since we got back in touch, we speak every day, sometimes for 2-3 hours at a time, texts every morning, we have met for coffee once and we have this amazing chemistry and connection. He offers to do jobs in my house when things need fixing. We have never slept together. He says his head is so mixed up because of everything that is going on with the upcoming court case.

The problem is we refer to eachother as friends, but I am now getting feelings for this man. I have spoke to him, he says he likes me, and if he didn’t we wouldnt be continuing to talk and get to know eachother and says well see how things are when everything is sorted with the baby.

I need advice on what to do as it’s been 5 months, we have an amazing connection and my feelings are growing and I’m starting to feel sad I can’t be with him. Is he interested or has everything that happened with his ex put him off women for life? Or is he just messing me about?

thanks

xxxx

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2023 23:14

Why, exactly, would you want all of this baggage, bullshit and drama in your life? He does not possess the only cock in the world.

theduchessofspork · 22/09/2023 23:19

The PP above is a little harsh, but she is fundamentally right - I don’t think this guy is deliberately messing you about, he is simply in no place for a relationship - so why on earth are you clinging to him like this??

Just let him go, and go and find someone who actually wants a relationship.

Original poster
Littlemiss82 · 22/09/2023 23:21

I hear you and I would be saying the same thing if it was anyone else. But there is just something about this man I can’t shake. I e never met another guy like him who makes me feel this way. I can’t describe it xx

OP posts:
Oldthyme · 22/09/2023 23:21

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2023 23:14

Why, exactly, would you want all of this baggage, bullshit and drama in your life? He does not possess the only cock in the world.

This ^
It’s a bit harsh but give him credit for not getting too involved with you eg sex etc until he’s through a loaf of current stuff with baby and ex.
Give him space if you can afford the time, see where it goes,

Ladyof2022 · 22/09/2023 23:23

Littlemiss82 · 22/09/2023 23:03

Hi lovely ladies,

looking for advice on a situation im
in, that I’m starting to find hard, as my feelings grow.

I met a guy around 5 months ago. We chatted for a couple of weeks, then everything went quiet so thought it was over. After two weeks he got back im contact to say his ex girlfriend, had just had a baby and didn’t know how to tell me as he thought I wouldn’t be interested. I’m not one to judge and know everyone has a past. We decided to stay im touch and get to know each other and spoke on the phone regularly.

His ex has significant mental health issues and there has been a lot of issues since the birth of the baby. He has yet to see the baby as she has blocked this and he now has a solicitor involved in order to try and get shared custody, as he wants to play an active role in the child’s life. He’s received horrific messages froM his ex and it’s wearing him down.

We met at the beginning of August for a date and we got on so well. However whilst on the date, his exes friend called him, to interrogate why he had gone to a solicitor, so changed the tone of the rest of the date. After the date, he went AWOL for a couple of weeks and I never heard from him.

We started speaking again the middle of August, he told me he was struggling following the call he revived int he date and the stress. Things have been lovely, since we got back in touch, we speak every day, sometimes for 2-3 hours at a time, texts every morning, we have met for coffee once and we have this amazing chemistry and connection. He offers to do jobs in my house when things need fixing. We have never slept together. He says his head is so mixed up because of everything that is going on with the upcoming court case.

The problem is we refer to eachother as friends, but I am now getting feelings for this man. I have spoke to him, he says he likes me, and if he didn’t we wouldnt be continuing to talk and get to know eachother and says well see how things are when everything is sorted with the baby.

I need advice on what to do as it’s been 5 months, we have an amazing connection and my feelings are growing and I’m starting to feel sad I can’t be with him. Is he interested or has everything that happened with his ex put him off women for life? Or is he just messing me about?

thanks

xxxx

I'm sorry to be the one who says this, but if you really did have an amazing connection with this man as you claim, you would not be on Mum's net asking random strangers to work out what's going on with him. You seem to be grasping at straws somewhat. It's like you really want to have a relationship, and you want it so badly that you're considering taking on this absolute s* show, and also you want it so much that you think that getting on with someone during a few meetings amounts to an amazing connection. It does not I totally agree with the previous poster why are you so eager to insert yourself in this traumatic, dramatic, difficult, and long-term mess that is in?

pictoosh · 22/09/2023 23:24

Must agree with the first reply. He is not the only man.
Would want to know a LOT more about the 'crazy' ex and the baby he's not allowed to see.
I wouldn't be catching any feelings with that guy until I did.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2023 23:25

But there is just something about this man I can’t shake. I e never met another guy like him who makes me feel this way. I can’t describe it xx

How lovely. Except for the fact that he clearly doesn't feel this way about you.

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 23:28

Tbh the whole crazy mentally ill ex trying to keep baby from him gives me proper suspicious vibes.

But anyway, if you like him then be friends. Look for someone else. If someone else comes along then great if they don't and your still sure he's a catch despite the drama and he becomes interested great, if nothing ever happens between you then you've made a good friend. He is being honest with you regarding his feelings about a relationship, I'd just see how it goes but definitely wouldn't stop dating other people.

beastlyslumber · 22/09/2023 23:28

Littlemiss82 · 22/09/2023 23:21

I hear you and I would be saying the same thing if it was anyone else. But there is just something about this man I can’t shake. I e never met another guy like him who makes me feel this way. I can’t describe it xx

This is a red flag in and of itself, OP. Feeling that he's so special, you'll never meet anyone else like him etc is not healthy. It's a sign he's likely triggering a lot of anxiety in you.

A person who is good for you will bring you peace. Not all this drama.

Why don't you just pull back a bit for now? Cut out the long daily phone calls. Date a few other people. You don't have to cut him out entirely but slow down, pull back and take your time working out if he really is a good guy or a good match for you.

Lampan · 22/09/2023 23:31

No good can come of this.
Many years ago I had one of these ‘more than a friendship’ situations myself. Looking back it’s clear to me that had he wanted more, he would have made it happen.
It’s just a headfuck and the longer it goes on the worse you will feel when it eventually ends

Original poster
Littlemiss82 · 22/09/2023 23:35

It feels like a massive headfuck, you’re right. I’ve felt really bad about it the last couple of days xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemiss82 · 22/09/2023 23:36

I agree about the anxiety. I wasn’t feeling anxious at all but the last few days I have felt terrible. I think the pulling back is a good idea. Thank you xx

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2023 23:47

You know he's fucking you about but yet you are still wanting to stay. It's just madness. He is absolutely, 100% not the man you think he is. He is playing you and you're allowing it.

Don't just pull back, get rid of this idiot and move forward. You've wasted enough time.

Ladyof2022 · 23/09/2023 00:03

Also I think this business of my ex's mentally ill, this is a massive red flag. in my younger days I heard from many different men that their ex was crazy, that their ex was mentally ill, all that sort of thing. She never was.

Polentacak · 23/09/2023 00:11

I do think a guy who has just had a baby should be focussing on the mum and baby not chasing someone else….even if he’s not with the mum anymore. Surely he could be doing something to help his new family unit.

As a mother I’m really judgemental about guys who fuck off or are messing around with other women by the time their partner / ex partner has just given birth to their baby. It’s probably one of the most vulnerable times in a woman’s life. It might be a good thing that some dads aren’t on the scene but nevertheless the situation leading up to that must be traumatic for both parties in many cases.

I wouldn’t be giving this bloke the time of day.

Zoomie1 · 23/09/2023 00:16

The ex is 'mentally unwell and crazy' So tired of this old trope, find out her side of the story and see if you are still so smitten. Find someone better.

LastHives · 23/09/2023 01:25

You are not his daily counsellor - FGS get your own life away from this because you are wasting it right now. TBH it wouldn't even surprise me if she is not his ex.

Catoo · 23/09/2023 01:35

OP this sounds like red flag central.
No more long chats. Don’t waste any more of your time or energy on this one.

Greengrassohla · 23/09/2023 02:06

He is going for shared custody of a 4 month old baby? Confused

Whiskeyinthejaroh · 23/09/2023 05:11

OP run away, fast. There are so many red flags - how can you not see them? Crazy ex? Come on!
Choose peace and happiness - you won't find it with this man.

Yettisrus29 · 23/09/2023 06:41

Have you really only seen each other twice? This isn't even friends if so. He's using you, you don't have a connection, he's found someone who'll listen to his woes, who he doesn't have to pay.

I don't mean this to sound the way it might do but are you really that lonely and desperate for someone to love that you'll put up with this shit?

Please for your own mental health walk away now before you get sucked in and develop true feelings for him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/09/2023 06:55

Ladyof2022 · 23/09/2023 00:03

Also I think this business of my ex's mentally ill, this is a massive red flag. in my younger days I heard from many different men that their ex was crazy, that their ex was mentally ill, all that sort of thing. She never was.

One of the reason I knew my DH was a good bloke was this. He dated a sister of a friend and he said they broke up because whatever, not compatible, she's a nice person, not a good fit... Her sister let me know that she had a properly distressing MH crisis (knives and bad things) and the sister was scared for her own wellbeing. DH wasn't mean about her and only told me he had been really concerned when her sister told me about it. She's all better now, really lovely woman. DH is always happy to know she's doing well.

Decent men who date women who have a MH crisis don't go on about how 'crazy' they are.

This level of drama, legal issues, people calling and creating problems, baby involved. Just leave it be. He doesn't have time, space and resources for all of that and a healthy relationship.

Justleaveitblankthen · 23/09/2023 06:57

At the risk of sounding like Samantha from SATC, you have no idea what he's even like in bed. After all these months? It could be awful 😳
Sorry to be glib, but that's a huge elephant in the room, let alone everything else. But a Godsend in your case.
Don't ever sleep with him now.
Walk away.

autienotnaughty · 23/09/2023 07:28

Littlemiss82 · 22/09/2023 23:21

I hear you and I would be saying the same thing if it was anyone else. But there is just something about this man I can’t shake. I e never met another guy like him who makes me feel this way. I can’t describe it xx

That will wear off it's just fancying someone. The baggage and drama will remain. I'd stay friends

CheekyHobson · 23/09/2023 07:42

I e never met another guy like him who makes me feel this way. I can’t describe it xx

i can. It’s called lovebombing. The long phone calls, the drama of being “star-crossed lovers”, he probably does a great line in intense eye contact and intriguingly mysterious areas of his life that he shies away from
talking about. Acting like a white knight and offering to fix things in your house. Lots of compliments for you.

I can also describe what he’s doing with the “more than friendship, not a relationship”. That’s called breadcrumbing. Giving you just enough to keep you chasing along looking for more, but never enough to fully satisfy. When combined with lovebombing, it’s a potent recipe for feeling like you can’t give up on him.