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Original poster

Taking it slow

32 replies

jasper333 · 22/09/2023 22:55

Seeing a guy for a month now, see each other 2/3 times a week. We have kissed, not snogs, but more than a peck. We've slept in the same bed once but I was on my period so knew we wouldn't have sex but he was very reserved, I had to cuddle up to him. I have later found out that that was the first time he shared a bed with a woman in nearly 2 years.

He is a gentleman, looks after me when we're together and when we're not.

At the moment it feels like we're friends because we haven't slept together. I've been stuck in a cycle of attracting toxic men who I've had intense relationships with and ended up getting hurt. Always had lots of sex from the start.

This is like the opposite and because there's no immediate lusting after each other, I feel worried that we don't like/fancy each other but I know that we get on really well and I feel really good when I'm with him.

Is it ok to start a relationship slowly like this and develop feelings for someone before you've slept with them? What if when we finally sleep together it doesn't feel right and we've wasted this time?!

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 22/09/2023 23:26

I would say so, yeah. If he's a genuine person and he cares and feels something for you he will wait.

Just because you have waited to have sex doesn't mean you've wasted your time, it's one of those things in dating. It will either work out or if won't but least this way you've not run the risk of being used by those kinda guys.

I'm a guy and I'm reserved, quiet and treat people right, do anything for anyone and once get to know me I open up. Could he be the same, is he reserved or more shy/nervous?

Are you attracted to him and feel anything that way?

Original poster
jasper333 · 22/09/2023 23:33

Catsafterme · 22/09/2023 23:26

I would say so, yeah. If he's a genuine person and he cares and feels something for you he will wait.

Just because you have waited to have sex doesn't mean you've wasted your time, it's one of those things in dating. It will either work out or if won't but least this way you've not run the risk of being used by those kinda guys.

I'm a guy and I'm reserved, quiet and treat people right, do anything for anyone and once get to know me I open up. Could he be the same, is he reserved or more shy/nervous?

Are you attracted to him and feel anything that way?

Yes he's reserved, he's started taking my hand now and touching my leg if we're in the car together 🥰, arm around me on the sofa etc. I guess it's a quite sweet and unusual these days not to jump into bed together.

I am attracted to him, he's the first bigger guy I've dated, as in overweight, but I'm not a thin person anymore either. It will be a different experience for me when we do sleep together, not sure what to expect and the longer we leave it the more nervous I am!

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 23/09/2023 00:01

Well maybe you're nervousness is a different expression than you are used to and it may actually be a more exciting, deeper connection than you've experienced until now.

If he's same as me he may be more considerate and affectionate than others, more in tune with his emotions and is likely feeling the same way as you are too. Nervous but likes you for who you are too as a person, the lust will be there it's just deeper than that, if that makes sense. Hard to explain but that's how my reserved head works lol.

Polentacak · 23/09/2023 00:04

If you already feel like friends now when really you should be getting into the stage you can’t keep your hands off each other I’d suggest it’s probably a non starter.

Original poster
jasper333 · 23/09/2023 04:52

Catsafterme · 23/09/2023 00:01

Well maybe you're nervousness is a different expression than you are used to and it may actually be a more exciting, deeper connection than you've experienced until now.

If he's same as me he may be more considerate and affectionate than others, more in tune with his emotions and is likely feeling the same way as you are too. Nervous but likes you for who you are too as a person, the lust will be there it's just deeper than that, if that makes sense. Hard to explain but that's how my reserved head works lol.

It is a novelty for me to feel nervous as I'm usually straight into bed with them before I've gotten to know who they are, but this time around I have let this guy in mentally first and so he knows how I work way more than others I've had relationships with.

From your experience do you think I should let him take the lead in bed or should I do my thing? Wink

OP posts:
harerunner · 23/09/2023 06:42

Polentacak · 23/09/2023 00:04

If you already feel like friends now when really you should be getting into the stage you can’t keep your hands off each other I’d suggest it’s probably a non starter.

Why "should" they be all over each other at this point? Every relationship is different...

OP - My advice is just to go with the flow. See how things progress, and make some
moves yourself if you feel things are going too slowly for your liking.

harerunner · 23/09/2023 06:48

From your experience do you think I should let him take the lead in bed or should I do my thing?

If you want things to progress in bed, then why hold back... Take the lead. Cautious guys need a woman to show them unequivocally that they're interested. They're not going to be the ones pushing things for fear of rejection or that they'll be deemed to have pushed boundaries and subjected you to stuff that was non-consensual.

Watchkeys · 23/09/2023 07:06

I think that the fact that you're asking what you 'should' do, asking for other people's experience, asking if things that are happening are 'ok', shows that you're looking for external validation, and that's the mindset that gets people into unhealthy relationships, as it has previously with you.

Laws are the only 'shoulds'. Everything else is ok. You do what you want, and find people who are happy to be around someone who does those things: those are your people. Not people who tell you what you 'should' do, and judge you according to their own experience. Other people's experience is not something to base your decisions on. There will be plenty of slow starting relationships that have turned out well, and plenty that haven't. You will get stories from individuals who think that their experience is universal, and who will advise you to do/not do what they did, but the fact is, it might work, and it might not.

If you enjoy spending time with him, and you feel like it, then spend time with him. However much time you feel happy with and he feels happy with. Kiss him if you really want to, and not until then. Have sex with him if really want to, and not until then. If a sexual relationship is good for you, one thing about it will be that you're powerfully driven to do it.

Pay attention to what you feel, not on what you think is 'right' or 'a good idea'. Saying yes to taking it slowly is the right thing to do, if it feels right. Saying no is the right thing to do, if saying no feels right.

This is about you, and you validating your own feelings.

spookehtooth · 23/09/2023 07:27

If you like him, be a bit more forward and see how it goes. Doesn't have to be a big leap, can just be a little bit more than he is being. Find a way to talk to him about this too. Success doing that, and developing a better understanding of each other would bode well longer term

I don't think him not rushing it is necessarily a bad sign. When I was younger I was always keen to go quickly, post a long term relationship I've found I'm quite different. Still just as interested, but not in a rush to get there.

harerunner · 23/09/2023 07:58

Laws are the only 'shoulds'. Everything else is ok. You do what you want, and find people who are happy to be around someone who does those things: those are your people. Not people who tell you what you 'should' do, and judge you according to their own experience. Other people's experience is not something to base your decisions on. There will be plenty of slow starting relationships that have turned out well, and plenty that haven't. You will get stories from individuals who think that their experience is universal, and who will advise you to do/not do what they did, but the fact is, it might work, and it might not.

Completely agree. I've noticed a lot of threads and responses in this board have very prescriptive expectations for what you should or shouldn't do, or how you should feel this after a certain length of time, or shouldn't experience that after another length of time. The only thing that matters is whether it feels right for you, not whether it aligns with some random on MN's opinion of a textbook relationship.

NameAU1 · 23/09/2023 08:08

It all sounds so sweet and cute!
Lucky you!

I need to ask: where on Earth did you find a man who’s willing to take it slow? And actually want to get to know you.
It’s impossible to find men like these.

Original poster
jasper333 · 23/09/2023 08:41

Watchkeys · 23/09/2023 07:06

I think that the fact that you're asking what you 'should' do, asking for other people's experience, asking if things that are happening are 'ok', shows that you're looking for external validation, and that's the mindset that gets people into unhealthy relationships, as it has previously with you.

Laws are the only 'shoulds'. Everything else is ok. You do what you want, and find people who are happy to be around someone who does those things: those are your people. Not people who tell you what you 'should' do, and judge you according to their own experience. Other people's experience is not something to base your decisions on. There will be plenty of slow starting relationships that have turned out well, and plenty that haven't. You will get stories from individuals who think that their experience is universal, and who will advise you to do/not do what they did, but the fact is, it might work, and it might not.

If you enjoy spending time with him, and you feel like it, then spend time with him. However much time you feel happy with and he feels happy with. Kiss him if you really want to, and not until then. Have sex with him if really want to, and not until then. If a sexual relationship is good for you, one thing about it will be that you're powerfully driven to do it.

Pay attention to what you feel, not on what you think is 'right' or 'a good idea'. Saying yes to taking it slowly is the right thing to do, if it feels right. Saying no is the right thing to do, if saying no feels right.

This is about you, and you validating your own feelings.

Thank you for this, all makes perfect sense and I'd agree.

The only point where I've asked 'should I' was to the guy who has posted replies on here as he is a reserved man, and I was asking as a reserved man, would he like the person he is seeing to make a move on him in bed, 'should I try that' kind of thing.

Your response is super helpful however

OP posts:
Original poster
jasper333 · 23/09/2023 08:43

NameAU1 · 23/09/2023 08:08

It all sounds so sweet and cute!
Lucky you!

I need to ask: where on Earth did you find a man who’s willing to take it slow? And actually want to get to know you.
It’s impossible to find men like these.

This is why I'm a little taken aback, after years of unhealthy relationships and trauma, and manipulation, I am like a fish out of water. I've read it can a pretty scary experience as a traumatised person to then be in a healthy and safe relationship.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/09/2023 08:52

WhT one reserved man does/likes isn't a template for what all reserved men do/like. Again, you're looking for external validation.

You do what you feel is right. Do what suits you. Not what would suit a random reserved man on the internet, or what a bunch of other randoms think is the best thing for you to do.

Spend time with him. If you feel good doing that, do it more. Do it, and anything else that makes you feel good, as much as you can, for as long as it has a positive impact on you and your life. If it stops being positive, stop doing it.

Nobody else's opinion matters. You are you, with your set of experiences, life lessons, history. Nobody can advise what's best for you, beyond 'If it feels good to you, and good for you, then do it. If it feels bad to you, and bad for you, stop doing it.'

Original poster
jasper333 · 23/09/2023 08:54

Watchkeys · 23/09/2023 08:52

WhT one reserved man does/likes isn't a template for what all reserved men do/like. Again, you're looking for external validation.

You do what you feel is right. Do what suits you. Not what would suit a random reserved man on the internet, or what a bunch of other randoms think is the best thing for you to do.

Spend time with him. If you feel good doing that, do it more. Do it, and anything else that makes you feel good, as much as you can, for as long as it has a positive impact on you and your life. If it stops being positive, stop doing it.

Nobody else's opinion matters. You are you, with your set of experiences, life lessons, history. Nobody can advise what's best for you, beyond 'If it feels good to you, and good for you, then do it. If it feels bad to you, and bad for you, stop doing it.'

Listening
Thank you 🙏🏼

OP posts:
Wolfricbriandumbledore · 23/09/2023 09:07

What @Watchkeys said.

My only caveat about waiting a while to sleep with someone (and this is just based on my own experience, not suggesting you do anything other than consider) is that I’ve once or twice waited, and found myself falling for someone who then turned out, later, to be completely sexually incompatible with me.

For me, it’s in some ways less emotionally risky to have sex fairly early on, to avoid discovering it’s a total non-runner after I’ve started to develop feeling for them.

Cupcakekiller · 23/09/2023 09:21

For me personally it would be too slow in terms of not having had a good snog and a cuddle. I love kissing and for me it's usually a sign of sexual compatibility.

DatingDinosaur · 23/09/2023 09:33

Sex is only one part of a relationship and, whilst I agree if it’s shit and puts you off them then they’re not the one for you because you’re not emotionally attracted to them enough to work through it – a relationship as a whole shouldn’t be based as good or bad or worthy or unworthy purely on the sexual element alone.

Good sex can turn bad and sex drives wax and wane down the line anyway so the quality of the sex right now means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Personally I think using sex alone as a guide to general relationship compatibility is not a great idea.

Shy/nervous guys get the upvote for me.

Watchkeys · 23/09/2023 09:48

I'm glad what I'm saying is making sense. It will save you from having any further unhealthy relationships, because if a relationship starts to make you feel bad, you'll leave, rather than stick around like you have in the past.

Good luck. He sounds like a nice bloke, whether he turns out to be your partner or your friend... enjoy spending time with him whilst you work it out Smile

Original poster
jasper333 · 23/09/2023 09:53

Wolfricbriandumbledore · 23/09/2023 09:07

What @Watchkeys said.

My only caveat about waiting a while to sleep with someone (and this is just based on my own experience, not suggesting you do anything other than consider) is that I’ve once or twice waited, and found myself falling for someone who then turned out, later, to be completely sexually incompatible with me.

For me, it’s in some ways less emotionally risky to have sex fairly early on, to avoid discovering it’s a total non-runner after I’ve started to develop feeling for them.

Yep this is also my worry, what if we don't click sexually after all this time

OP posts:
Wolfricbriandumbledore · 23/09/2023 09:58

DatingDinosaur · 23/09/2023 09:33

Sex is only one part of a relationship and, whilst I agree if it’s shit and puts you off them then they’re not the one for you because you’re not emotionally attracted to them enough to work through it – a relationship as a whole shouldn’t be based as good or bad or worthy or unworthy purely on the sexual element alone.

Good sex can turn bad and sex drives wax and wane down the line anyway so the quality of the sex right now means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Personally I think using sex alone as a guide to general relationship compatibility is not a great idea.

Shy/nervous guys get the upvote for me.

This to me edges dangerously close to ‘man as project’/doer-upper. No, I absolutely don’t want to ‘work through’ sexual incompatibility in a new relationship, just as I don’t want to deal with another grown adult’s timidity, whether that’s sexual or in general. Obviously there is give and take in any new relationship, but there’s a lot to be said for starting as you mean to go on, rather than hoping things get better.

Original poster
jasper333 · 23/09/2023 10:19

Watchkeys · 23/09/2023 09:48

I'm glad what I'm saying is making sense. It will save you from having any further unhealthy relationships, because if a relationship starts to make you feel bad, you'll leave, rather than stick around like you have in the past.

Good luck. He sounds like a nice bloke, whether he turns out to be your partner or your friend... enjoy spending time with him whilst you work it out Smile

I'm sure you've commented on my other threads regarding an ex, I do take it on board as I know you're speaking sense due to me falling for these mistakes you highlight x

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 23/09/2023 10:44

@jasper333 It all comes down to how you feel and what you want to do, you take it at a pace you feel comfortable with.

I'm reserved, yes but it's just my way and I've always been like that, it extendeds further than relationships. I'm just quiet, easy going and calm but that has backfired on me in the past...I wouldn't want to hurt anyone but I often get hurt.

So, although I'm that way and I wouldn't pressure anyone, at some point I would make a move when I felt enough time had passed or things were making a move in that direction. I wouldn't necessarily be waiting for you to do that but that doesn't mean you can't.

I guess it depends as there may be a fine line between being reserved and too reserved where nothing progresses, not sure?

perfectcolourfound · 23/09/2023 11:06

You're much less likely to make bad decisions in relationships if you don't rush into them.

So this new way (for you) of taking things slowly is lower risk than your 'normal' approach.

Also, if you have sex quickly with someone, you might find you're compatible in bed, but that doesn't mean you'll be compatible in any other area of life. I've had a couple (actually way more) friends who have had a great sex life with someone from early on, but then felt invested / grew more attached and stayed with them longer than they should have.

And a slow burner doesn't mean you aren't compatible in bed. My DH and I took things very slowly (we both wanted to). It turned out to be dynamite and still is many years later. Just because someone doesn't jump on you in the first month, it doesn't mean they don't fancy you / won't be any good in bed.

Everyone should take things at their own pace. It's only a problem if the pace doesn't suit you both, and is making one of your unhappy.

harerunner · 23/09/2023 19:05

Just an observation on sex... Whereas sometimes it's obvious that you're incompatible with someone, in my experience, mediocre sex can become good, then great sex with a bit of time and practice if you're compatible in other ways. You relax into it, and because you have feelings for other person rather than just lust, you naturally become more in tune with each other.

I tend to have better sex early on precisely when I'm not emotionally invested... when I really like the person, nerves can get in the way somewhat at the start... but months in, the sex is better.