How can I miss something I never had? And miss it so bad it aches?

[ClearThisUp]

Never been loved, no one’s ever wanted to be i a relationship with.
I accepted it’s never going to be me.

Started saving money to buy a house on my own, not there yet.
Found new hobbies, moved on.

Learning to be on my own / alone.
I’m learning to be in my own company, I spend less time with other people.
Everyone else is married, has, kids, dating, wants a relationship/kids and soend a lot of time talking about these things, I’ve found out it makes me feel even more lonelier and isolated from people.

But still.
Still sometimes there is this, it’s not even thinking, wishing, wanting, hoping anymore, I really don’t know how to explain it. Like every cell in my body wishes there was someone next to me, taking this road with me.

Can’t seem to shake it.
This feeling pop’s up here and there, it’s not all the time, but it knocks the wind out of me everytime.
Why does it keep comkng, I chose to give up, why won’t it let me be?

Because you are human OP.
We are biologically social creatures.

Did you choose to give up the idea so you felt more in control of the situation, eg if you said you were still open to a relationship you'd be foreever leaving yourself open to disappointment?

Unfortunately you're still feeling the hurt, so if you really would love to be in a relationship, then it might be healthier to admit it to yourself.

There's a big difference betweem 'I'm giving up. It won't ever happen.' and 'I don't know how it's going to happen, and I'm not going to make it my focus, but I'm open to finding love'.

The second options seems more realistic in your position, and is a less pessimistic viewpoint. And ofcourse it might happen. Noone can say it won't ever happen for them.

In the meantime, the cliches are there for a reason- live your life. Enjoy hobbies and friendships. Volunteer. Study. Lots of stuff which will distract your mind from the issue, at the same time meaning you meet more people (more opportunities of a relationship) and are more interesting to those people (because you have a range of interests and a full life).

It feels trite to say 'Don't give up, it can happen' but it's actually true.

This is a bit of a dramatic post OP. It’s normal to want a partner. Why can’t you look for a partner and get on with your life at the same time??

What makes you think you cannot find a partner ?

Perhaps.

But it doesn’t mean rigid rules and relationship.
Socialising comes in many forms.
I’m very introverted and my tank fills up fast, so I get enough of socialising, very quickly.

I do know I still hold lot of ’what I’m supposed to do’ and society still pyshes the narrative that you’re only half of a woman, if even that, if you don’t have a husband and kids.
So that does effect me.

@ClearThisUp I get that feeling too.
Fir me, Its like an ache. And the wish/dream of having someone taking me in their arms.

As @frozendaisy said, it’s been human. We all need human touch to start with, not just babies. And we all need real deep connexion to someone else.

I’m not sure you can stop it from coming.
You can ease the yearning for physical touch by getting a massage etc…
Connexion by being in touch with (proper) friends with whom you can share your life, not just put up a front.

But yes, it’s there.

There's a big difference betweem 'I'm giving up. It won't ever happen.' and 'I don't know how it's going to happen, and I'm not going to make it my focus, but I'm open to finding love'.

I did the whole whatever happens happens and if a good person comes my way, I won’t say no for a LONG time.
Did nothing.
It was actually better at the time (this was couple of years ago) to just have an actual closure that it’s not going to be me and make a new plan. With that I wasn’t left hanging and getting my hopes up - even if only in my dreams.
Made me feel more in control and not a fool hanging on to silly dreams.

It feels trite to say 'Don't give up, it can happen' but it's actually true.

Thank you, but no.
I’m absolutely done with this garbage.
I’m sure you were trying to be nice, but it’s bs.

I’ve done the getting married, having children etc… @ClearThisUp

Yes there is a huge pressure in women to do all that.
But I’ve done married with dcs etc… and I still get that ache.

Hello Lauren

A little bit hormones, a LOT of the sheer mystery, I guess. Perhaps a need for external validadtion, too.

You're right, you cannot miss what you never had, because you cannot fully comprehend it that way.

So if it's all bullshit, where do you go from here?

Hi OP, what was your relationship with your parents like as a child?
Were they warm, loving and affectionate?
It's hard to form loving relationships as an adult if you never experienced it as a child.

Huh?

Op do you mind if I ask how old you are?

Lovely post from @perfectcolourfound

I've felt like you before now, but when I split up from my DH, so at least I had had that experience. But my life was not conducive to starting another relationship and for a good while and I physically ached for loving hugs and emotional intimacy. It's not easy, but counselling really helped me - is that something you've considered?

After some years, DH and I have found our way back together, but I think if I were single again I'd seriously think about some kind of actual dating agency where they get to know you and actually match you with people. Costly, but worth it I think, if you lack confidence to meet and vet complete strangers by yourself.

I did talk to a counselor few years back.
Wasn’t very good experience.
They didn’t really listen and just gave same platitudes everyone does and you’re supposed to give.

I’m turning 40 soon.

Honestly, what I think the problem is the loneliness of being so ’different’.
Can’t talk to anyone about my problems and life, when everyone else lives just so differently. And made feel like a second class citizen. Partners and families, naturally, will always take the first place.
I’m always stuck listening to their lives, they are the majority, and feeling so left out.

"It's hard to form loving relationships as an adult if you never experienced it as a child." Agree with you @TomasinaTheTankEngine It took til turning 50 until I starting realising this. OP if you have experienced childhood emotional neglect/trauma, this could explain the feelings of isolation and loneliness. There are lots of resources books, online and Youtube etc where you can read about this. I found it helped tremendously, like free counselling.

Can’t talk to anyone about my problems and life, when everyone else lives just so differently.

That bit, I don't understand. Everyone else's life cannot be that different from yours (unless you're a super-secret government agent or something as well).

Because there is so much more to talk about than partners and children.

My long-term single, gay best friend talks a lot about travelling, history, politics, and his job. His problems mostly involve day-to-day life things, like cars, his job, his house.

My childless, single (and has been for over 20 years) and funnily enough government security employed friend talks about her living situation, gaming, health, politics, her cats.

Even my partnered-up friends don't talk about relationships or kids very often; it's mostly about their own hobbies and life challenges.

So what do you talk about with people, @ClearThisUp ? Do you have hobbies?

You probably have but I don't see it mentioned, unless I missed it, have you tried online dating sites op? If being around people drains you so fast? You could try specific ones for introverts maybe. There's a lot of freaks and weirdos to sort through but you might eventually find someone. I did, I met my now husband on plenty of fish, of all places.

I've seen lots of different counsellors over the years, for lots of different reasons - depression, anxiety, CSA etc. There are some not so good ones out there, but a good one cab make all the difference. You just have to keep trying until you find one you gel with. It will give you that feeling of being "just for you" which seems to be missing from your friendships and is part of your yearning. I also wonder if you might be a bit depressed - might be worth doing an online scoring test and go see a gp if it it picks anything up. You won't be the first or last to feel like this by any shot. Being single for a long time when really you don't want to be is hard, but if you're not careful, the fear of being stuck like this can take over and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's good to reach out like you're doing on here though, it's a positive start to changing how you feel and view things

So I was in a not too dissimilar situation.

I was honest with myself that I did want to meet someone and my "whatever happens happens" strategy was a load of crap as I didn't meet single men in my day to day life.

I decided to commit to pursing it BUT working on accepting it might never happen
I committed min 10 up to about 20hours per week to online dating and went on between 2-4dates per week most weeks. I did that for 3 years and eventually met my husband. He had basically been doing the same thing so as soon as we met and clicked we got off the sites.

I think that when you're outside the conventional norm of partner/ marriage/ kids and feeling left out and in a minority being single it can be absolutely crushing and feel so unfair. Why can (almost) everyone else achieve this ideal and not me?

However- the amount of partnered/ married people who are unhappy and unfulfilled is huge. Loads of the relationships that look enviable from the outside will be massive compromises or downright horrible.

It's not a binary of single=lonely partnered=happy. You are luckier and better off than many many partnered people. I know it still feels shit though.

This is so true and so hard to see when you look around and all you see is partnered people. So easy to think a partner = happiness when it so often doesn't. BUT, although you don't (yet) have what you are looking for, you are in a stronger position than many who are stuck in or have a history of failed relationships. You have an opportunity to work entirely focussed on your own self improvement and to work out and put in practice the best way FOR YOU to give yourself the best shot at finding someone. It seems to me you are realising that actually a relationship is what you want, and that perhaps telling yourself you'd accepted that you weren't going to end up in one, isn't actually bringing you the closure you thought it might? Because it sounds like deep down that IS what you want? It's really good that you've recognised that something isn't working for you with the mindset you'd adopted, and now you have a chance to find support to make changes and give yourself a better chance at happiness.

Can’t talk to anyone about my problems and life, when everyone else lives just so differently.

””That bit, I don't understand.””

About life, I don’t mean hobbies and whatnot.
I mean the life struggles, going life alone, hell - just saying that I can’t relate to anything you say (when they talk, and mostly do their partners/kids). I can’t say hiw linely I really am, it would be followed by some aawws and don’t worry’s.

I don’t need anyone to talk about the boiks I’m currently reading.

OP if you have experienced childhood emotional neglect/trauma

No, I haven’t.
The loneliness comes from living such a vastly different life. And no, I don’t mean this in a ’I’m so special’ kind of my.
But everyone I know lives a very conventional life, always have.

But everyone has very similar life struggles, was my point. I just offloaded to my friend about my car issues as he had a streak of rubbish luck with his car a while back. Before that was finances, and before that the shitshow that buying a house is.

Not having a partner or kids is just one aspect of life and if that is all your friends talk about I'm not surprised you don't have much common ground.

As an aside, there is something special in a nerd-off session with someone about a book you just read and all the theories that follow :)

I’ll try one more time:
I can’t talk about loneliness of going through life alone, how devastating that is.
About the big stuff.

Of course I can talk about headaches and how I went to the museum, but that’s pretty shallow, and not the real stuff.

I have two friends in similar positions. One like you had never been in a relationship. The other ones has but many many years ago and has been single for something like 18 years. They absolutely do talk to me about the loneliness of going through life alone, how devastating that is, ie the big stuff (to quote your words). I am not saying I know how that feels but I do hope they feel validated when they talk to me. And they talk to me about it a lot. And I try not to make suggestions/give advice (unless they ask for advice) but I try and listen and acknowledge their sadness. Do you have friends OP? If yes have you tried sharing how you really feel and how did they respond?