How can I miss something I never had? And miss it so bad it aches?

[ClearThisUp]

Never been loved, no one’s ever wanted to be i a relationship with.
I accepted it’s never going to be me.

Started saving money to buy a house on my own, not there yet.
Found new hobbies, moved on.

Learning to be on my own / alone.
I’m learning to be in my own company, I spend less time with other people.
Everyone else is married, has, kids, dating, wants a relationship/kids and soend a lot of time talking about these things, I’ve found out it makes me feel even more lonelier and isolated from people.

But still.
Still sometimes there is this, it’s not even thinking, wishing, wanting, hoping anymore, I really don’t know how to explain it. Like every cell in my body wishes there was someone next to me, taking this road with me.

Can’t seem to shake it.
This feeling pop’s up here and there, it’s not all the time, but it knocks the wind out of me everytime.
Why does it keep comkng, I chose to give up, why won’t it let me be?

I understand what your saying, you have no real connection with others apart from shallow small talk. Where l work almost everyone has a partner, the endless conversations about holidays, days out, evening events. My life outside of work is very quiet social wise. I tend to sit there like a nodding dog oohing and aaarhing but not being able to contribute much myself.
I remember once the cleaning staff accidentally locked us in, within seconds all the others had pulled out their phones, telling partners what had happened, l just stood there as l had no one to ring and this is what partnered up people fail to recognise, they have a security, a safety net single people don't.
They are fond of telling you how much they loved being single, yet they fall to pieces when their own relationship breaks down, because they don't want to end up like you, alone, within a few weeks they are back out on the hunt again.
I think it is a lack of connection you are suffering from OP. Your soul is lonely. It's the way we are programmed, to feel anxious being alone, safety in numbers etc.
Most of the time l am ok on my own because the men l met previously gave me a lot of grief, and left me feeling disappointed, but there are times like you when l still yearn for that deep connection that no matter how many distractions, hobbies, groups, interests you have its still there in the background. I just try to make peace with it and know that a relationship is no guarantee for happiness.

You might find Gateway Women very helpful. A community of women who have found themselves childless by circumstance. My friend has made a lot of friends through them who she feels really get her.

I’m sorry you’re lonely OP. Not that it helps, but it’s possible to be lonely even when you have a husband and children. Children grow up and fly the nest and if your husband doesn’t spend a lot of time with you, you are alone. While it is different from your situation, don’t alienate everyone by thinking they do not understand.

Do you have friends OP? If yes have you tried sharing how you really feel and how did they respond?

I get told I’m lucky cause no one is snoring in my bed, never give up - you never know, silence, told that I’m not missing out on anything. Or set up with a random guy.
Crap like this.
Stopped talking about these things at some point, easier that way.

I don’t even know what to say.
You wrote it down so well, thank you.

I do the nodding things too!

l just stood there as l had no one to ring and this is what partnered up people fail to recognise, they have a security, a safety net single people don't.

Nothing makes you feel more alone in the world.
I haven’t had a big situation like this.
But going out / or just at one of our homes, everyone is always texting through out the evening what we’re doing, what time their coming back…etc.
And they most likely don’t even realize how lucky they are.

I am alone in pretty much the same way, although I have had relationships in the past. In varying degrees, although I was in a relationship, I still felt alone, so I gave up on them and decided just to be alone.

I miss the idea of a relationship but not the reality, I miss the idea of going on holiday with someone, but again, not the reality.

Yes, it would be great to have someone to talk to and share things with, but then when I eat out (even in relationships, I preferred to eat out alone), I listen to couples around me and the mundane and pointless conversations I hear do not really inspire me to go out and find someone. My life, my attitudes, my opinions, my humour are not really mainstream, I hate birthdays, Christmas, television, watching films etc, so a relationship is pretty much going to be impossible, and if not then extremely hard.

However, I still hanker after a soulmate every now and then, but its like hankering for a third arm, unlikely to happen and even if it did, I would not know what to do with it during the majority of the time when I did not need it.

Do I want to be with someone? emphatically NO, but every now and then it seems like a nice idea, I guess you need to ask yourself do you actually want to be with someone, if it is not an emphatic NO, then you need to do something about it, if it is an emphatic NO, then you need to live with that choice.

Personally, I think you should give it a try, if only to experience something new, and something you have not had, I cannot guarantee you will find love, but given current technology, finding a few dates should not be impossible!

At least then you can say you tried, and move on in the knowledge that you tried, sure you may get hurt, but maybe better to be hurt and then miss something you had, then miss something you never had!

Reaching 40 is not be under estimated, your are evaluating your life and are seeing that as a cut of time for children. You are also very lonely, which I totally understand. I was there for a few years in my thirties and there is no worse feeling. A certaintimeof light explains the point when the cleaner locks them in.
I think there are 2 distinct problems here
1 No partner
2 Children
Perhaps realising that you are mourning the life you thought you would have with a family maybe isn’t going to happen but you can still find another half to spend your life with.
You can meet a partner at any age and probably will -easy for me to say though.
Wishing you luck and a virtual hug - something I craved when I was lonely.