Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please. Am I being a bitch?

37 replies

AaHu · 22/09/2023 16:50

Hi all.
My husband and I have been married 3 years, together 4.
After marriage he moved in with me with my 2 DD’s plus our 2 year old DD.
I earn more than him but he has insisted we split all outgoings 50/50. Which I have done. As everything has gone up in price, our initial calculations of contributions has stayee the same since 2020.
DH wage has stayed the same. Mine has increased since. DH also pays CM to ex, gives money to his parents and had barely anything left over for himself.
I try to cover extras without telling him and making him feel bad but it really triggers me when he is oblivious to the rising costs and spends over our weekly budget without a thought for the rest of the month. I am by nature a forward planner due to life experineces, he not so much. He has no savings, nothing other than his monthly wage which vanishes on bills within days.
i hate the fact I earn more and as a result take the financial responsibility on myself when planning for holidays, days out, weekends away etc.
i know he pays what he can and he is in the process of trying to study to apply for higher paid jobs but it frustrates me that he is not as proactive as I would like in the last 3 years.
in his previous marriage he was the sole breadwinner and carried that responsibility but here its like its on me.
when i try to talk to him he says its easy to just transfer funds here and there and I am only stressing myself out.
in my previous marriage I was taken for a fool and my life savings And car and anything of value were taken gradually by my ex as I felt I had a duty to help financially.
i own the house we live in but just am starting to feel slight resentment towards my husband now but cant figure if it is triggering feelings feom my previous relationship as he gives what he can afford. I just wish he earned more and was taking more of a financial responsibility.
please tell me if im the problem.

OP posts:
Slipslidinginthefray · 22/09/2023 16:57

Hang on so you are married and he’s contributing 50% to outgoings despite earnings less? Is he contributing to the mortgage also?

He doesn’t sound like a freeloader so what are you upset about- his earning level? Bit harsh to judge him on that now after four years if you didn’t previously. You aren’t the sole breadwinner it’s just his earnings don’t match your expectations.

BaronessBomburst · 22/09/2023 17:06

He earns less but pays 50%
He also pays towards two children that aren't his. He pays CM. So far it's very fair!
Are you resenting the fact that he gives money to his parents, leaving you short as a family? Do his parents need the help or is it for treats and extras?

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 17:10

Tbh I think you are being pretty unreasonable. He earns less but pays 50% and ends up with very little left over for himself?

Tbh I don't think he should be paying 50%. The percentages you pay imo should reflect your different earnings when the money goes together leaving you both with similar spend money as you are both working and contributing

If he is happily paying 50% I'm not sure what you really have to be annoyed with him about.

sodthesodoff · 22/09/2023 17:11

So he pays more than his fair share, pays for his kids, is training for a better job... and you're pissed off why exactly?

You want him to live in hessian sacks while you save up your money? That's what it sounds like.

slowsundays · 22/09/2023 17:15

You're the problem.

He earns less than you but still contributes 50% so you have more left over. What you do with that is your business but feeling resentful because he earns less and STILL pays 50% and not a portion proportionate to his wage is a you issue.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/09/2023 17:19

I try to cover extras without telling him and making him feel bad but it really triggers me when he is oblivious to the rising costs and spends over our weekly budget without a thought for the rest of the month.

If he doesn’t know what your budget is, how can you be annoyed? Just sit down and have a proper chat about finances and how much you can afford.

theduchessofspork · 22/09/2023 17:30

It’s unreasonable for him to pay 50% if he earns less. If past experience means you don’t want to share finances (although why get married then?) then you should at least organise it so the split is fare, spending is transparent, and you gave equal spending money.

If he doesn’t know what extras you pay for / you don’t both have sight of all the spending I can see he might overspend without knowing he is.

It’s not unreasonable to want him to earn more, but you do have to be realistic about that, and yes he may also need to be more proactive.

You need to sort out transparency and proportionate contributions and have a practical planning conversation about increasing earnings. Do not let on that you feel resentful.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 22/09/2023 17:32

Op shouldn't be subsidising his cms payments though. Tbh op you shouldn't have got married... He now owns half your house..

Original poster
AaHu · 22/09/2023 17:34

Thankyou. I value everyones input.
I only start to feel the resentment when he shuts me out and gives me the silent treatment. Hes not easy to talk to at times.
I think it triggers me because he was on almost triple wage when I met him and due to the shortfall I had to return to work earlier than wanting to after maternity. But still have to do all pickup drop offs cooking cleaning… just feel always exhasuted and wish I could take foot off gass knowing we can financial security other than my income

OP posts:
Janieforever · 22/09/2023 17:34

Is this a reverse? He pays half and you’ve two kids not his there and he earns less?

Original poster
AaHu · 22/09/2023 17:35

Freezingcoldinseptember · 22/09/2023 17:32

Op shouldn't be subsidising his cms payments though. Tbh op you shouldn't have got married... He now owns half your house..

Not legally married. Just a religious ceremony. Ive been burnt before so in eyes of law just cohabiting…

OP posts:
Original poster
AaHu · 22/09/2023 17:35

Janieforever · 22/09/2023 17:34

Is this a reverse? He pays half and you’ve two kids not his there and he earns less?

Sorry what does a reverse mean?

OP posts:
Pandora55 · 22/09/2023 17:35

Janieforever · 22/09/2023 17:34

Is this a reverse? He pays half and you’ve two kids not his there and he earns less?

I thought the same. Was a post on here recently where the woman earned less but was expected to pay 50% and everybody said she was being financially abused

Original poster
AaHu · 22/09/2023 17:44

Pandora55 · 22/09/2023 17:35

I thought the same. Was a post on here recently where the woman earned less but was expected to pay 50% and everybody said she was being financially abused

Show quote history

Can I just clarify it was my Husbands choice to pay 50/50 from day one. I have never demanded anything. I am just sharing my feelings of resentment for advise if I am being unreasonable but there is context too for anyone who wamts to advise with the information.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 22/09/2023 17:45

AaHu · 22/09/2023 17:35

Not legally married. Just a religious ceremony. Ive been burnt before so in eyes of law just cohabiting…

Show quote history

Sort out this nonsense right away. Separate your finances and ensure he can't gain rights over your house or any other assets. Your pension, for example.

He should be doing his fair share of parenting and your financial contribution should be appropriate for your salary - 50/50 does not seem fair if he earns much less than you. On the other hand, he's reduced his wage by two thirds while you've been together? Shaping up to be a cocklodger, is he?

Either marry him legally or separate. I know what I'd do.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 22/09/2023 17:49

It would really help, OP, if you would STOP referring to him as your husband. Legally, you're not married to him and it makes a HUGE difference if you're looking for an exit.

I can't see that his situation will change in the short term, not before you've had a guts full so why continue when you don't have to? Definitely don't go down the legal route because then you would definitely have to stump up the cash.

You're in a perfect position to get out, if you wanted to. I totally understand the irritation and your previous relationship has left you wary. You don't have to live like that.

Butterkist8 · 22/09/2023 19:07

Live on your own. That sounds like the best scenario.

He's got various obligations and you're resenting them.

Let him go.

Whatonearth07957 · 22/09/2023 19:37

I can see your point of view. You are taking responsibility and he's floating through life as a people pleaser prioritising others. Keep finances separate. Have your own emergency float. Ask for extra money and don't hide extra expenses. He's under no pressure from you currently. If he decides helping his parents over your unit you can point this out. Put yourself first.

Comtesse · 22/09/2023 19:39

How come his income has reduced so much? Not clear if that’s him choosing to make that change on purpose or he’s been unlucky?

Does he pull his weight domestically?

Original poster
AaHu · 22/09/2023 20:04

Comtesse · 22/09/2023 19:39

How come his income has reduced so much? Not clear if that’s him choosing to make that change on purpose or he’s been unlucky?

Does he pull his weight domestically?

Edited

he does some, but have to ask. Job loss was unfortunate covid result

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 22/09/2023 20:18

I am noticing you married him...in some way or other...After one year even though you already had a bad experience and two dc. You may not really have known this guy at all. It sounds like you would not be as resentful if he pulled his weight with the dc/ housework and actually sat down and made a financial plan with you.
When he says it's easy to transfer money over does he mean your money over to him? I hope you are not in a similar relationship to your first one

Shinyandnew1 · 22/09/2023 20:21

Why is he giving his money to his parents?

Original poster
AaHu · 22/09/2023 20:22

Tbh hes a really difficult personality. Severe mood swings, has zero emotional intelligence when in disagreements, will shut down completely or become really childish and immature and defoect to make me feel like the problem. Sometimes i regret ever meeting him. He thinks hes an equal in the relationship in terms of doing our bit but he is not. When i attempt to address it he deflecfs and focuses on my flaws (which I am aware of) and i end up apologising.
take today for example, he woke up in a mood and ignored me. When i was trying to talk to him he didnt respond. My voice escalated with the ignoring and he switched on his blender and said dnt you need to go to work? My day was ruined and he didnt acknowldge anything during the day until I got in and asked what his problem was. Even then he thinks I should just accept his moods and not ask or question him when he makes me feel like i have done something wrong. I have no clue most days why hes annoyed or ignoring me until the next day when i pry it out of him. He is quite toxic at times with his lack of communication and apologies - but always makes me believe i am the problem.
while i am writing this I dont even know why I am with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
AaHu · 22/09/2023 20:25

Shinyandnew1 · 22/09/2023 20:21

Why is he giving his money to his parents?

Because they need it? They expect it being the only son? Who knows.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 22/09/2023 20:27

So you met and married someone after a year. Got pregnant straight away. Moved him in immediately with your kids. And now you think is a good time to talk about money?