Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please. Am I being a bitch?

37 replies

AaHu · 22/09/2023 16:50

Hi all.
My husband and I have been married 3 years, together 4.
After marriage he moved in with me with my 2 DD’s plus our 2 year old DD.
I earn more than him but he has insisted we split all outgoings 50/50. Which I have done. As everything has gone up in price, our initial calculations of contributions has stayee the same since 2020.
DH wage has stayed the same. Mine has increased since. DH also pays CM to ex, gives money to his parents and had barely anything left over for himself.
I try to cover extras without telling him and making him feel bad but it really triggers me when he is oblivious to the rising costs and spends over our weekly budget without a thought for the rest of the month. I am by nature a forward planner due to life experineces, he not so much. He has no savings, nothing other than his monthly wage which vanishes on bills within days.
i hate the fact I earn more and as a result take the financial responsibility on myself when planning for holidays, days out, weekends away etc.
i know he pays what he can and he is in the process of trying to study to apply for higher paid jobs but it frustrates me that he is not as proactive as I would like in the last 3 years.
in his previous marriage he was the sole breadwinner and carried that responsibility but here its like its on me.
when i try to talk to him he says its easy to just transfer funds here and there and I am only stressing myself out.
in my previous marriage I was taken for a fool and my life savings And car and anything of value were taken gradually by my ex as I felt I had a duty to help financially.
i own the house we live in but just am starting to feel slight resentment towards my husband now but cant figure if it is triggering feelings feom my previous relationship as he gives what he can afford. I just wish he earned more and was taking more of a financial responsibility.
please tell me if im the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
AaHu · 22/09/2023 20:32

BitOutOfPractice · 22/09/2023 20:27

So you met and married someone after a year. Got pregnant straight away. Moved him in immediately with your kids. And now you think is a good time to talk about money?

No. I asked if i was being a bitch feeling resentment towards him for the financial situation we are in.

OP posts:
K8ate · 22/09/2023 20:34

Freezingcoldinseptember · 22/09/2023 17:32

Op shouldn't be subsidising his cms payments though. Tbh op you shouldn't have got married... He now owns half your house..

But it sounds like he is paying half towards the upkeep of his ‘step’ children.

Are you not taking that into account?

Whattodo112222 · 22/09/2023 20:35

Sorry I don't see how your DH is being unreasonable. Imagine the furore if the gender roles were reversed here.. a woman earning less but still contributing 50%...

This is no different to that scenario.

Op you aren't being very fair.

gamerchick · 22/09/2023 20:56

Look. Tell him that living together isn't working out and that you'll probably get along much better as a couple if he moves out.

He needs to leave before he has you demented. This 50/50 crap isnt real.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/09/2023 21:11

But you should’ve had these conversations before you

a moved in
b got married
c had a child with him

but being as you didn’t, then have the conversation now.

in general though, I’d say, the person who earns more pays more. Especially when they have two existing kids.

Does your DDs’ dad contribute?

PawsAndReflection · 22/09/2023 22:12

Sorry OP- can you clarify what it is that frustrates you about the finances? I can't fully understand the problem if he's paying half.

I can understand the other frustrations!

BaronessBomburst · 23/09/2023 10:43

I actually don't think that the finances are the problem here. You want a partner but you haven't got one. You're focusing on the finances as the fault in the partnership when it's actually his attitude and behaviour. His financial contribution is reasonable but he's not contributing in any other way.

CHRIS003 · 23/09/2023 11:13

It sounds like you started another relationship and had another child when you perhaps were not ready for it ? after your previous bad experience.
You sound like you should be on your own and share custody of your daughter.
That way you don't have to have the resentment ,everything you earn will be yours
It doesn't sound like you have any respect for him, he is probably left wondering why you want to be with him - I would honestly let him go. Probably best if you were single mum by the sounds of it. On your own it will be you that makes all the decisions, you that spends what you like when you like. He sounds like a good guy just not the right fit for you.

Original poster
AaHu · 23/09/2023 14:12

CHRIS003 · 23/09/2023 11:13

It sounds like you started another relationship and had another child when you perhaps were not ready for it ? after your previous bad experience.
You sound like you should be on your own and share custody of your daughter.
That way you don't have to have the resentment ,everything you earn will be yours
It doesn't sound like you have any respect for him, he is probably left wondering why you want to be with him - I would honestly let him go. Probably best if you were single mum by the sounds of it. On your own it will be you that makes all the decisions, you that spends what you like when you like. He sounds like a good guy just not the right fit for you.

I think youve hit the nail on the head… just wish Incould click my fingers and it was 1 year post seperation.

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 23/11/2023 15:29

You’re not the problem.

Irrespective of who earns more, there needs to be a budget you both agree to stick to. If he won’t, then you’ll have to insist doing all the shopping. (Online is easier)

He also needs to stop giving money to his parents.

gannett · 23/11/2023 15:58

AaHu · 22/09/2023 20:22

Tbh hes a really difficult personality. Severe mood swings, has zero emotional intelligence when in disagreements, will shut down completely or become really childish and immature and defoect to make me feel like the problem. Sometimes i regret ever meeting him. He thinks hes an equal in the relationship in terms of doing our bit but he is not. When i attempt to address it he deflecfs and focuses on my flaws (which I am aware of) and i end up apologising.
take today for example, he woke up in a mood and ignored me. When i was trying to talk to him he didnt respond. My voice escalated with the ignoring and he switched on his blender and said dnt you need to go to work? My day was ruined and he didnt acknowldge anything during the day until I got in and asked what his problem was. Even then he thinks I should just accept his moods and not ask or question him when he makes me feel like i have done something wrong. I have no clue most days why hes annoyed or ignoring me until the next day when i pry it out of him. He is quite toxic at times with his lack of communication and apologies - but always makes me believe i am the problem.
while i am writing this I dont even know why I am with him.

Oh one of those threads where the OP doesn't get the answers she wants so does a full character assassination instead so everyone has to take her side.

If the problem is that you don't like him - and it sounds like you absolutely hate him - you should leave him. His behaviour as described here is much more of a problem than his financial contribution, which is more than fair.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 23/11/2023 17:21

AaHu · 22/09/2023 17:34

Thankyou. I value everyones input.
I only start to feel the resentment when he shuts me out and gives me the silent treatment. Hes not easy to talk to at times.
I think it triggers me because he was on almost triple wage when I met him and due to the shortfall I had to return to work earlier than wanting to after maternity. But still have to do all pickup drop offs cooking cleaning… just feel always exhasuted and wish I could take foot off gass knowing we can financial security other than my income

Your issue isn’t ‘just’ his attitude to money though.
It’s tte way he treats you. It’s tte silent treatment. The fact you have to tiptoe around any financial discussion.

I think the lack of financial planning is what is breaking the camel’s back rather than the ‘real’ issue (even though it is a clear issue, both in terms of poor communication and in terms of financial planning)

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread