Husband's gambling - think I'm done

[Draigwen]

We lost our home 12 years ago due to husband's gambling debt (I also have 25k from uni). We had two toddlers at the time. We worked through it and have paid it off using an IVA. It was tough but we got through it.

We're still renting but had managed to save £50k and are due to move to a nicer (but more expensive) rental home next month.

I've noticed some long absences over the last month. I did a credit check and yesterday, I discovered that he's got 30k on cc and everything has gone from the savings other than the kids' accounts which are held in my name.

I feel very calm but the rental deposit has gone and I'm out of work at the moment to finish my masters. I've spoken to recruiters and should be able to get back into the job market pretty quickly.

The credit cards can be paid back with effort over a few years but I feel like I'm done. We've been together for 18 years. I don't even feel mad but I can't trust him. Just sad for my children. To be honest they're the reason we're still together. If I can hang on 10 months then my son will finish high school and I could potentially more closer to my family.

Would interested to see if there are any other partners that have gone through this.

It's just such a mess :-(

yep I would be done too. He’s had a chance, blown it, and I couldn’t get past that either. I wouldn’t even bother discussing it either. Good luck

Not gone through this but I think its time you spoke to a solicitor, make sure you are not liable for any of the debts. And then of course, push forward with a divorce. You cannot possibly stay married to someone like this.

I cannot believe he would do this to you and his children. You're doing very well keeping a level head, stay strong and find foundations to build with yourself and the children, away from this man.

This level of deceit is unthinkable. My jaw literally dropped reading this.

yes I’d be done too- I have to say I don’t believe addicts ever change and the risk of trusting them, especially with money, isn’t worth it.

Oh my, yes, I think that's it. I'm so sorry OP.

It's bloody tough. My DH is a gambler. Fortunately I'm the higher earner and make sure mortgage and bills are paid each month but I'm so tired of covering it all and bailing him out. Never any surplus money. I work hard and would like to one day buy myself a nice pair of shoes just because.

Kids are grown and long gone from home so why am I still here? I kid myself that our good times are better than our bad but feel 20 years older than I am.

Only advice I can offer is don't be me.

I would also be done. What a betrayal.

I grew up in a family with a gambling father and the financial insecurity was horrendous. Although my mother never shared what was going on, we knew because children pick these things up. We felt angry with Dad and wished she'd leave him. A an old lady now, Mum knows she should have left him and given herself (and us) security and a life free of deceit and financial worry. I know a little of what you're experiencing and I wish you well in whatever you decide.

He's betrayed you and his children op. How can you possibly love and respect him after that. Ltb.

I am so sorry OP, I would be done too. I think you need to put yourself first, addicts rarely change.

Omg
What a bastard
Sorry op
Get some legal advice x

Yes to being done. He’s an addict and won’t change.

Like you said 10 months to go. Then go . In the meantime try and away a nest egg, declutter , get legal advice, research the rental market, plan and prepare. He will never change OP.

He's spunked 80k! You'll never be able to trust him. You have to leave for your own sanity.

How has he managed to get 30K on a credit card after an IVA?

Yes been there too, unfortunately, including the IVA. It doesn't get any better whatever you're promised.

I can totally identify with you saying that you feel calm/emotionless, its when the fight has gone from you and you know its now just a case of planning your exit.

I felt such disappointment with myself for having married someone like that (there were signs before the marriage but I was too young and naive to realise the implications).

When we split I put a stop on joint accounts and mortgage account with the bank as he was taking from those (we had a mortgage you could draw down from). Im still paying back what he took from it. So if you have any joint assets still, make sure they can't be accessed solely by him.

Best of luck, you will get through it and be all the stronger for it.

This is the first post on Mumsnet that has made me cry.
I'm so sorry that you and your children have been betrayed so badly.

Unfortunately, being bloodless and calm has to be the best reaction in order for you to manoeuvre yourselves away from this terrible man. The same way it had to take a bloodlessness to steal tens of grands of one's family's future on the transient highs of grubby gambling after already stealing the roof of their heads over a decade ago.

Go well, OP. I only hope that after you have set up a stable foundation for yourself and your children, that you can find an emotional safe space within which you can " un numb" yourself and not self blame.
You obviously have a lot of trust and love in you and I would hate for you to have to become like the millions of brittle women out here living half lives in order to protect themselves from the folly of men.

I'll pray for your safe navigation and cover for yourself and children. You've got this in hand.

I'll keep my far less palliative feelings towards your husband to myself.

Don't wait 10 months. Your children know - they'll be relieved.

It's time to leave and salvage what you can.

I thought using Credit cards for gambling was banned in the UK?

Not me, but a friend of mine went through this. She divorced him and found peace again.

Save yourself and unshackle yourself. You will never be able to trust him. It’s over.

This is really big. He will always keep dragging you and your DC down and down.

I agree, wait for your DS to finish high school, it will soon come round. That will also give you time to put your plans in place.

Good luck with your masters. Compartmentalise what’s going on with the severity and repercussions of what he has caused you all, and concentrate on your masters.

Good luck, you will be ok again 💐💐

Why on earth would you still have had your savings in a joint account with him?? I say this as someone with experience, and after the first shock, he has no access to any savings, all in my name. They don't change, they can't.

Yes and I left him after a year. He kept it well hidden and how I found out when baliffs turned up at the door and I had no clue why. Turned out several over draft bank accounts, savings account emptied, credit cards maxed etc etc luckily I was able to prove to these companies none was mine and the divorce went smoothly. To think of the times I needed baby milk and had to borrow off my mum because he always claimed no money bills were just paid.

I’m going to assume it was predominantly his earned money he has spunked? If it was your earned money then you are a better person than I. I would have it him under the patio.

I would have left after the first time. You forgave him after you lost your house! He will never change.

Be done with him now. Do not wait another 10 months. Stop enabling him. He has and will continue to drag you all down with him.

Thank you so much for responses. I feel so stupid and a failure. I've not protected myself or kids well enough. I see also that I enable him.

I suspect he transfers the cc balance to a debit card. But he has confirmed that there's no other debt so that's a relief.

I do need to get some advice. I'm a people pleaser and I suspect overly trusting/easily manipulated.