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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Coparenting 6 week old baby struggles

35 replies

LD233 · 21/09/2023 20:56

Just looking for some advice. I have a 6 week nearly 7 week old baby and I'm having issues with his father.
Me and his father split when I was 16 weeks pregnant where he cheated on me and left me for his ex girlfriend who he's now in a relationship with who he already has another son with.

He was seeing him regularly to start with even though its been so difficult for me after how much he's hurt me however he's cancelled quite a few times on him already and is trying to say he will have him some weekends and he wants to take my baby away - he lives 40 miles away.
I said no he's way too young and he needs regular consistent visits at his home which my mom is facilitating as he's still a newborn baby!

He said he will do what he wants with him in his time and he will be taking him everytime he sees him
I don't trust this person as he has lied to me so so much and I dont want my son separated from me especially 40 miles away!

He's cancelled next weekend seeing our son as he's booked a weekend away wirh his girlfriend also.

He said he's not a newborn anymore so he can go with him (he's 7 weeks old on Saturday!)

He said if not he won't be seeing him as he's not seeing him here anymore.
I am struggling so much doing this on my own and he's trying to demand its his way or no way

I just don't know what to do anymore I'm stuck. I already know I won't have a social life much as he is inconsistent already and refuses to have him here if I want to go out.

I am struggling with post partunmdepression and this situation is making me feel 10 times worse. Also struggle seeing him or speaking to him after whar he's put me through. My head is a complete mess and I feel like a failure the way my mental health is declining

OP posts:
BigO247 · 21/09/2023 21:06

So sorry you're having such a rough time. New baby plus PND is bad enough without an arsehole ex thrown in too.

Baby is far too little to be leaving you, you are his mum and he needs you to protect him. If that means arsehole ex doesn't see him then so be it - baby has YOU to look after him and he doesn't need anything else.

Try keep strong, you can do this!

WhiteNoise91 · 21/09/2023 21:11

Baby is FAR too young to be leaving you.

he sounds a right twat

i get you want your baby to have a father but he sounds like a dick who is going to eventually let you both down anyway, so I’d let him follow through with his threats of not seeing him if he can’t take him away. You’d probably find your life a whole lot easier

Theunamedcat · 21/09/2023 21:29

Is he on the birth certificate?

Original poster
LD233 · 21/09/2023 21:30

Theunamedcat · 21/09/2023 21:29

Is he on the birth certificate?

No he isn't for the reason I do not trust him

OP posts:
StrawberryRainbows · 21/09/2023 22:32

You need to protect your baby first and foremost. Forget what that twat likes or dislikes. He has shown himself to me a right dick, by expecting to take a newborn away from its mother at 6 weeks old. Stay strong and firm for the sake of your baby. You are doing a fab job thus far xx

jonnyjanetkeogh · 21/09/2023 22:37

You have done the right thing by not putting him on the birth certificate. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this crap when you're getting to grips with being a mum, having to balance PND and putting your baby son first.
I think you sound like an amazing mummy and you clearly know what is best for your little one. Agree with others on here, let him go through with his threat. He hasn't got a leg to stand on. You and your child deserve respect and love, if he isn't showing that to you both then let him walk away. You and your child have a bond nobody can ever break, you're doing incredibly already 💗

Clymene · 21/09/2023 22:38

You have to look after your baby 24/7. I'm sorry, it's not what you wanted but that's what you signed up for when yo( continued with the pregnancy. He's only wanting to sheer his son now to mess with your head. He's enjoying the control.

He isn't on the birth certificate so he has zero rights. Say no and ignore him. He can take you to court if he wants access.

I hope you have family support. Can you go and stay with your mum or a sister?

Clymene · 21/09/2023 22:38

And yes, well done for not putting him on the BC

Original poster
LD233 · 21/09/2023 22:41

Clymene · 21/09/2023 22:38

You have to look after your baby 24/7. I'm sorry, it's not what you wanted but that's what you signed up for when yo( continued with the pregnancy. He's only wanting to sheer his son now to mess with your head. He's enjoying the control.

He isn't on the birth certificate so he has zero rights. Say no and ignore him. He can take you to court if he wants access.

I hope you have family support. Can you go and stay with your mum or a sister?

Thank you. I live alone but my mom comes and stays with me sometimes and I do see my sister. Its true it is all on me 24/7 he doesn't help.me at all. So yes he's blocked me now after an argument today about it all but I'm done. I've been through enough as it is x

OP posts:
Azandme · 21/09/2023 22:41

"He said if not he won't be seeing him as he's not seeing him here anymore."

Ok, bye 👋.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/09/2023 22:48

Hi there, I also was broken up with while pregnant. You're going through the hardest time now but it gets so much easier and more magical as baby gets older.

This man is a bully. I'll not glad that you went through this breakup while pregnant but I'm glad he's not your boyfriend any more.

You might have been used to him calling all the shots before but you do now- you make the rules about what is safe and in the best interests of you and your baby.

Baby still is a newborn. He absolutely still needs to be close to you at all times at least until the fourth trimester is over which is 12 weeks. And then he should only be left with someone he knows well (like your mum) that knows his routine and he is familiar with, not with some guy that's visited a few times.

If he won't make the effort to visit his baby then he's just a lazy twat looking for an excuse to abandon his child and blame you. It's not your fault, none of this situation is you're doing all you can.

My advice is to stop trying to convince this bully of your perpective or getting him to agree with you. He won't so it's wasted energy. Just tell him what's happening and what his options are and he can take you to court if he wants to but I'm sure he won't bother.

Please attend children's center if you can to make mum friends locally- I did a baby massage course and it really helped. Ask your friends for help and support as much as you can you really need it now. Living on your own too (I moved in with my parents for their help!) you're doing incredibly

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/09/2023 22:51

Ps you will get a social life back when baby is older and sleeps through and you can use mum or a babysitter! In the meantime coffees and walks with new mum friends are the answer - get to as much stuff as you can there's lots of free things out there x

Vikki7 · 21/09/2023 22:51

Keep doing what you're doing and don't bend for him.

As he is not on the birth certificate, he has no legal parental rights. Anything that's organised regarding visitation is purely an agreement between you both.

If he doesn't want to visit on your terms, then don't let him.

Who exactly is he threatening when he says he won't come again? It's his son! He's the only one losing out. Your little one, at 7 weeks old will not be bothered by not seeing him but his Father will have to live with his decisions forever.

Do not put him on the birth certificate under any circumstances if there is no trust.

He cannot take him 40 miles away or even to the next door neighbour without permission. He has no legal responsibility.

Try to stay strong. It's tough!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/09/2023 22:54

Clymene · 21/09/2023 22:38

You have to look after your baby 24/7. I'm sorry, it's not what you wanted but that's what you signed up for when yo( continued with the pregnancy. He's only wanting to sheer his son now to mess with your head. He's enjoying the control.

He isn't on the birth certificate so he has zero rights. Say no and ignore him. He can take you to court if he wants access.

I hope you have family support. Can you go and stay with your mum or a sister?

'That's what you signed up for when you continued the pregnancy' that's really harsh, by nearly 4 months into a wanted pregnancy the baby is 1/3 of the way cooked, already seen on scans and she would have already fallen in love with it. It's totally unreasonable for expect termination to feel like a realistic choice at that stage just because a man cheated. This reads like you're blaming the op- it's not like she had an affair with a married man and she knew what she was getting herslef into and even then that would be an unkind comment

Clymene · 21/09/2023 22:56

@LD233 I'm so sorry. What a shitty bloke he is. I'm glad your mum and your sister are helping out. You can do this!

I know it's really hard and lonely in the early days so lean on them as much as you need to. This bit is super hard but it's really short. Hang on in there and you'll feel like a tiny team before you know it. And that makes everything easier.

Ignore the man. Block him. He's not a positive person in you and your baby's life so he doesn't deserve to be there. Fill your lives with people who love and support you.

Clymene · 21/09/2023 23:03

I'm not blaming her @Unexpectedlysinglemum. I'm acknowledging she had a choice and she made it.

Good for her! I'm a single mother too. I'm really happy that I chose that and a big part of that is feeling like I had a choice. I feel lucky. The OP is also lucky. She didn't get dumped with 3 kids later on down the line. She has a beautiful baby and they can be one another's world. She has family support too.

It's not a terrible place to be.

PNDshame · 21/09/2023 23:11

I know it may not feel like it now, but take it from my experience - being a single mum with absolutely 0% help from dad is so much easier than being a single mum with a flakey/immature/bully of a dad

You're so new to this that everything will seem hard now but I promise you it gets easier and in a year you won't even remember this part of your life

I'm 6 years in and yes there are hard days but they don't come close to having to deal with a manipulative ex at the same time

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/09/2023 23:25

I agree with @Clymene and @PNDshame recent posts.

Op you're trying so hard to enable him to coparent with you, but this man isn't coparenting he's occasionally visiting, stressing out and bullying his baby's mother and making threats to abandon this baby I he isn't allowed to basically traumatize it by taking it far away from its mum.

Keep a written record of what reasonable access/visits you've offered him and apart from that don't think about him at all just get on with what ever makes your life calm and happy xx

AdaColeman · 21/09/2023 23:58

Well done on putting the needs of your little baby first, and not giving in to the demands of this selfish bully of an Ex.

Start keeping a diary of the threats he makes, times he misses or changes visits, in case you need it in the future.

Bear Thanks Bear

Grendell · 22/09/2023 00:14

"Co-parenting" a baby is not really a thing.

igor · 22/09/2023 00:44

I think removing the co parent from your life will go a long way towards easing the PD as he's certainly not making your life any easier.

Look to your family for support and stop letting this idiot ruin this time with your boy.

Original poster
LD233 · 22/09/2023 11:18

Thanks so much everyone well he has blocked me now which I am glad about. Just counted he has cancelled on his son 10 times already and he's 7 weeks old. He also has give me 2 small payments for maintenance si everything is inconsistent. I'm really done now and won't be contacting him again and focusing on my sonx

OP posts:
Clymene · 22/09/2023 16:25

LD233 · 22/09/2023 11:18

Thanks so much everyone well he has blocked me now which I am glad about. Just counted he has cancelled on his son 10 times already and he's 7 weeks old. He also has give me 2 small payments for maintenance si everything is inconsistent. I'm really done now and won't be contacting him again and focusing on my sonx

What a knob. Do pursue him for maintenance though.

AbbeyGailsParty · 22/09/2023 16:49

LD233 · 22/09/2023 11:18

Thanks so much everyone well he has blocked me now which I am glad about. Just counted he has cancelled on his son 10 times already and he's 7 weeks old. He also has give me 2 small payments for maintenance si everything is inconsistent. I'm really done now and won't be contacting him again and focusing on my sonx

Well done, your son has everything he needs in you.
A shit father is no loss. I suspect he’s being such a dickhead to avoid supporting his son financially.
Go with what you feel is right, get all the support you need from your mum, sister and mum friends, look after yourself.

Thesearmsofmine · 22/09/2023 17:16

Don’t contact him and keep all evidence of him cancelling and his threats about not seeing your son in case he does take it to court. Hopefully he leaves you both alone as he sounds like a selfish prick bullying a woman who has just given birth to his child.