Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Silent Treatment

71 replies

SuddenlyISee · 21/09/2023 15:54

My husband hasn't spoken to me properly for two days. We went to bed absolutely fine on Tuesday but since he woke up yesterday morning, has barely said two words to me. I've asked if he's ok, if I've done something wrong, if he wants to talk about anything and he's either just said no or he walks off. I've spent the day trying to work out if there's anything I could have done to upset him but I'm stumped. I'm now sitting here absolutely dreading him coming home from work and getting the same treatment. It's so true what they say about feeling lonely in your own home.

OP posts:

Catsafterme · 21/09/2023 16:05

Sorry you're experiencing that awfulness, it's not nice or healthy.

It likely wouldn't matter what you have or haven't done, it could be something so insignificant you wouldn't even connect it or it may be something you haven't done at all.

Do you best to keep yourself positive, don't let his atmosphere wear you down or turn your own mind against you with doubt and anxiousness.

If there's one thing I learned, ignoring the silent treatment turns it back around. Not in that you are doing the same, in that the immaturity doesn't phase you, you are immune.

Autumnallround · 21/09/2023 16:06

Have you been married/ together long?
Is this a regular thing or first time this has happened?
Could he be worried about something?

Original poster

SuddenlyISee · 21/09/2023 16:15

We've been together 15 years. He has done this before but it's normally triggered by work or something I've said/done. I have recently been seeing a therapist about my own inability to open up so him behaving like this when I've been making such a conscious effort to be more forthcoming with my emotions is really tricky. I'm really trying to psych myself up for when he gets home and to try and greet him with a smile but it's hard.

OP posts:

Supercat100 · 21/09/2023 16:23

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abusive. I had it for years from my ex and it was horrendous.

Original poster

SuddenlyISee · 21/09/2023 16:26

My Mum did it a lot to me as a teenager and its so isolating. I just hope he's either snapped out of whatever it is or is willing to talk about it when he gets home.

OP posts:

Specso · 21/09/2023 16:27

Whatever his reason for doing it is irrelevant really. Silent treatment is emotional abuse and you’ve done nothing you can think of to upset him. If he’s upset about something or upset with you he should bring it up and at least make you aware of it, not act like an immature, sulky man baby.

Don’t pander to him by tiptoeing around him and being extra nice. He’s being horrible to you and you don’t deserve it.

Garihairy · 21/09/2023 16:42

SuddenlyISee · 21/09/2023 16:15

He may well be feeling threatened that you are seeing a therapist, that they will be guiding you to realising your husband is abusive. The silent treatment isn't about him being hurt/angry/threatened, it's about making you feel anxious/doubt yourself/tie yourself in knots trying to please him, which you won't do because he doesn't want to be pleased. He wants to be constantly in a position of power over you. Even the good times he may be allowing you, they're also a tool he's using to keep you where you are.

Please be very, very careful about opening up to him and sharing any more of yourself with him, he will use whatever you tell him against you at a time to suit him, when he considers you need taking down a peg or two.

And please don't try to greet him with a smile, he doesn't deserve one. Take back some of that power, speak to him as if everything's normal, as if he's someone you are polite but not close to. Look up grey rock, it will stand you in good stead for life with him.

Original poster

SuddenlyISee · 21/09/2023 16:59

Well I've been seeing her for a year and he's always been pretty supportive so I don't even think it is that. But you're right, its very cruel of him to be treating me like this and making me second guess myself no matter what his supposed issue is.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2023 17:02

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and your mother in particular taught you some damaging lessons. Do you have a relationship with your mother now?. I sincerely hope not.

Your mother was emotionally abusive towards you in doing this and now your husband is doing the same. I would seriously start to consider what life would be like without him in it day to day.

frozendaisy · 21/09/2023 17:04

Just don't let it bother you.
If he comes to the sofa and you are already there and he's still at it just leave thevroom

There is no point giving the silent treatment to no one is there?

He is acting like a sulking toddler.

If it doesn't affect you he will stop doing it

He wants attention and for you to be in knots when he isn't there.

If he wants to act like a child just treat him like one.

"Oh god this still isn't going on is it"
"Which room do you want to be in so I can be in another I have plenty to be getting on with than dealing with you acting like a child"
"I'm going out if you are interested"

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2023 17:05

"I'm really trying to psych myself up for when he gets home and to try and greet him with a smile but it's hard".

You do not have to do that at all. Abuse is NOT a relationship problem, its about power and control and like your mother did, this man wants absolute power over you as well.

Original poster

SuddenlyISee · 21/09/2023 17:10

I do have a relationship with my mother but it's not a close one and never has been. He's just come home and it seems to be much of the same so I will do what you have suggested and just keep away from him. I'll be back later I'm sure.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2023 17:11

"He is acting like a sulking toddler.
If it doesn't affect you he will stop doing it"

That is unlikely to happen sadly. He will merely change his tactics and up the power and control ante if he were to decide that the current level of abuse was insufficient to bring his possession aka the OP here to heel. Toddlers too grow up; this man's emotional development stalled around the age of six.

He targeted OP here to abuse (he does not treat outsiders or work colleagues in the ways he does to the OP, he is likely to be all sweetness and light to them) and OPs mother primed her by abusing her in a similar way.

Cola2023 · 21/09/2023 17:12

Mine (very recent ex) gave me the silent treatment on and off for years. At first I used to get really upset and would apologise for things I hadn't done.

Later it became familiar and I started to even enjoy the space.

Then he'd accuse me of ignoring HIM!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2023 17:14

I am not at all surprised that the relationship with your mother is not close.

Carry on with your day as normally as possible and think about what life would be like without him in it day to day.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Mary46 · 21/09/2023 17:16

Def a control thing. Horrible. Hard to ignore too when a mood in the house. Hope u ok.

Original poster

SuddenlyISee · 21/09/2023 17:20

He was supposed to pick something up for dinner on the way home and it doesn't look like he has but I daren't ask.

OP posts:

DixonD · 21/09/2023 17:24

My husband tries this only very occasionally but when he does I tell him to stop it because it won’t work. It doesn’t last long after that! He’s generally a nice person though so I feel like I can just tell him to stop it. I appreciate others may find it much harder.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2023 17:28

Why on earth are you avoiding this and him? You need to walk right up to him and tell him this is the last fucking time you will ever give him a pass for this abusive behaviour. The silent treatment is cruel and it's emotional violence. You do not treat someone you supposedly love and respect like this, and there is no excuse for it. Never, ever tolerate this again.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 21/09/2023 17:32

Could someone else in his thoughts be pissing him off op?

Bonbon21 · 21/09/2023 17:33

You 'daren't' ask why he didnt pick up the something for dinner?
Why?
Are you physically afraid of him?
Will he be verbally abusive or threatening?
Because if the answer is yes, you need to get rid.
Moody bullying men are not worth living with.
Life is too short... far too short to put up with that behaviour.

prayloveeat · 21/09/2023 17:35

This is exactly like me exH. He's probably not picked up the dinner to wind you up OP. More abusive control tactics. Whatever you say you can't win the only way is to leave.

Original poster

SuddenlyISee · 22/09/2023 06:53

I'm back. Much of the same all night last night. He hadn't brought home dinner as suspected so I went out and got it and also cooked it (I don't cook) because I could see he wasn't interested. We watched TV together but didn't talk much. When it came to bedtime I decided to sleep on the sofa. He came down and got me about half 1 so I went up to bed. Got woken up at 6 with him watching loud videos on his phone. He said he hadn't slept as he "had too much stuff going round in his head". Turns out the reason he has been ignoring me is because last weekend I confessed that I had been with someone else when we had separated for a few months over 10 years ago. I should have told him before but after we had got back together I'd had to deal with the woman that he'd been seeing while we were apart and she made my life hell for the best part of a year. He says he can't get it out of his head and apparently is a game changer. I think there is a high possibility that he may not come home tonight and I'm not sure I'm that bothered. Regardless of what his issue is he has no right to treat me the way he has over the last few days.

OP posts:

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 22/09/2023 07:00

What an absolute dick. Tell him to not bother coming home.

Original poster

SuddenlyISee · 22/09/2023 07:06

I honestly think he's just using this as his way out now. Something has been brewing for a long time and this is his way of getting out without having to take the blame. At this moment in time I know we'd be better off without him.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread