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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent Treatment

71 replies

SuddenlyISee · 21/09/2023 15:54

My husband hasn't spoken to me properly for two days. We went to bed absolutely fine on Tuesday but since he woke up yesterday morning, has barely said two words to me. I've asked if he's ok, if I've done something wrong, if he wants to talk about anything and he's either just said no or he walks off. I've spent the day trying to work out if there's anything I could have done to upset him but I'm stumped. I'm now sitting here absolutely dreading him coming home from work and getting the same treatment. It's so true what they say about feeling lonely in your own home.

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 22/09/2023 13:34

It's nothing to do with the fact that you forgot and didn't tell him right away. It's because in his mind you strayed, even though you weren't together. Even if you had told him the reaction would be the same.

They must have control, even when you are not actually together. He's already lost control, years ago and now you are not seen the same as you were before. Hence the silent treatment.

But yes be careful how you proceed, document everything you can and make sure you don't fall into a bait trap of being made to look in the wrong or to react in a certain way.

They do not like being rejected or losing control, mine took everything from me and not just money and the house.

MNetcurtains · 22/09/2023 13:36

IncognitoMam · 22/09/2023 11:36

No I meant with dcs

Show quote history

Nu uh, he needs to leave, not her and the kids.

MumLass · 22/09/2023 13:38

OP the silent treatment is horrendous. My exH did it to me. It's abuse, it's a power and attention thing. You end up living on eggshells incase you trigger another episode. When he did I would get physically ill with anxiety (like IBS). I would sit and cry and he would be in the same room, looking at me like I was something he had stepped in.

Cola2023 · 22/09/2023 17:07

Catsafterme · 22/09/2023 13:34

It's nothing to do with the fact that you forgot and didn't tell him right away. It's because in his mind you strayed, even though you weren't together. Even if you had told him the reaction would be the same.

They must have control, even when you are not actually together. He's already lost control, years ago and now you are not seen the same as you were before. Hence the silent treatment.

But yes be careful how you proceed, document everything you can and make sure you don't fall into a bait trap of being made to look in the wrong or to react in a certain way.

They do not like being rejected or losing control, mine took everything from me and not just money and the house.

Mine was this way. He'd break up with me for months, I'd have no idea what he was doing, but he'd be in contact regularly accusing me of dating someone else.

When we got back together and I admitted I'd tried to move on by going on a date, he threatened to cheat saying I 'owed' him.

Catsafterme · 22/09/2023 17:21

Cola2023 · 22/09/2023 17:07

Mine was this way. He'd break up with me for months, I'd have no idea what he was doing, but he'd be in contact regularly accusing me of dating someone else.

When we got back together and I admitted I'd tried to move on by going on a date, he threatened to cheat saying I 'owed' him.

Show quote history

Yeah they're fucking nuts, ticking on a totally different level. You can't win, ever, you'll always be the bad guy.

Owed what a joker.

IncognitoMam · 23/09/2023 03:45

Yes you really need out of this. Even if it's for the dcs sake. They shouldn't grow up in an abusive environment.

Original poster
SuddenlyISee · 23/09/2023 17:32

Update... he came home from work yesterday and I was in the kitchen. He came in and shut the door and asked what was going on so I said I was happy to get out of his way while he packed his stuff. He was really shocked that I said that but I told him I had made up my mind. I said I was sorry that he'd only just found out what happened but the way he had treated me this week was unforgivable. He could have told me straight away that he was upset about it and we could have cleared it up then and there but instead he let me suffer and question myself and generally feel horrendous. He apologised and basically begged me to give him another chance. We talked a lot and I said that I was still unsure if I we could move on from this. It wasn't a one off occurrence and we have been unhappy for a long time. He swears that it will never happen again.
Anyway, I went out last night (already planned) and got in pretty late to find that he had cleaned the house. He offered to take my daughter to her football match this morning to let me have a lie in. And then he took my son out this afternoon to give me some time alone. I'm still very unsure of what I'm going to do but at the moment I feel like the right thing is for us to try and work on our marriage.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2023 17:39

He apologised and basically begged me to give him another chance.

I'm sure he did. His nice, easy life was being ripped out from under him. He's begging for himself, not for you. If he cared about you he would never have treated you like this.

"Work on it" if you want to, but you will end up right back where you are now.

Original poster
SuddenlyISee · 23/09/2023 17:40

I know you're right but I just can't do it at the moment.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2023 17:47

SuddenlyISee · 23/09/2023 17:40

I know you're right but I just can't do it at the moment.

I'm so done with this bullying. He does it all the time.

You're all so right. This has to be it this time. Normally I would end up apologising for something I haven't done just to make the peace but he has pushed me too far this time.

I keep reading all these messages back and it is becoming more and more clear that there has been years of abuse.
I've got so much to say but I can't articulate myself right now. I'm so done.

Those are all your words, op. You have a house, you have support.

The only thing keeping you and your kids in that nightmare of a marriage and environment is you.

beastlyslumber · 23/09/2023 17:54

Yes, all will be well for a time. He'll make an effort and you'll allow yourself to be reassured.

Then, once he feels comfortable again, he'll start with the emotional abuse again. And next time it will be even harder to leave.

I'm sorry, OP. He's manipulating you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2023 17:56

He is now in the nice cycle of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Do not continue to do your bit here to show them this rubbish, not just to say abusive, model of a relationship. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. It’s over all bar the formalities really because of the abuse he meets out to you and in turn your kids. Would you want them to have a marriage like this, no you would not and you would want better for them.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Do not think you cannot do this because you can and actually you should. You bloody well matter !.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2023 17:58

Do not ever embark on any form of joint counselling with him. It is not recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

There is nothing to work on in your marriage because abuse is not a relationship problem. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute control over you all here.

Original poster
SuddenlyISee · 24/09/2023 11:28

I hear you, I really do.

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 24/09/2023 11:32

Well he's on his last chance now isn't he, tell him if he treats you like this again it's over. If he does and cries and begs and you let him back again, you'll be in for a lifetime of shitty treatment as he'll then know you don't have any boundaries.

SavBlancTonight · 25/09/2023 10:46

Unfortunately, this is actually part of the script. So he tried to control you by sulks and threats. That didn't work so he's backtracked. But it will happen again and, inevitably, he'll actually use this time he had to apologise as a way to feel like he has been treated badly.

I understand why you feel you have to give it a chance, and of course, I'd love to believe that this is genuinely a turning point for him. But I don't think so.

Original poster
SuddenlyISee · 28/09/2023 17:00

Hi, thanks for asking. It's been a good week. I know I'm probably setting myself up for a fall but I can't complain at the moment.
Thanks for the book recommendations, will definitely have a look at those.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2023 17:37

Pride comes before a fall OP, there is no probably about it. He is now in the nice cycle of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Be very wary going forward of such apparent niceness from him. It will not last and he will revert to type giving you the silent treatment aka emotional abuse yet again.

meatandtwoveggies · 28/09/2023 18:08

Unfortunately as soon as you let your guard down and relax he WILL start again.

MumLass · 29/09/2023 12:43

FWIW I lived for close to 19 years with silent treatment. It always comes back.

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