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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner said to our child ‘mummy is dead’

32 replies

Feelingvulnerable1992 · 20/09/2023 23:09

My son is really going through a hard stage, he is almost 5 and he doesn’t like his dad very much. His dad (my partner) is very miserable, always moaning at him and always puts me down in front of our children. I’ve looked into domestic abuse and I feel he definitely falls under this but I do not have much evidence.

he said to my son yesterday when I was at the gym, and he was crying for me - that mummy is dead. Isn’t that awful? Would you end the relationship? I am so upset and angry and to add to insult he insists my child is lying. My child does tell lies but when I speak to him and say to look me in the eyes and tell the truth, I can tell he is not lying to me.

I am scared to end the relationship because he is so mentally unstable and just flips from nice to awful and I want to be around when he is near our children. Especially saying things like that to them. He also pulled my son by the arm across the room in his temper and says I’m a wet lettuce and thinks he did nothing wrong by doing this.

I want to ensure if I do end the relationship, what evidence do I need to ensure that he cannot have unsupervised time with mt children. Ideally I’d like to stop all contact until he can at least prove he has changed and got help but when I read online it seems all for the abuser! Saying that they hardly ever stop contact etc. this is damaging my son, I don’t even want him to have supervised time with them , it’s got to the point I’m scared to kick him out because I’ve read stories where the father lies about the mother and makes out she is stopping the children seeing them and they end up getting custody. Even him having them for the day without me there , I just don’t feel safe. All I want is for my children to be happy and safe and I know that he is unstable.

I feel like the better option is to stay with him so that he cannot be with them without supervision from myself. His parents are a nightmare, they enable him, the mother is an abuser herself etc. they are controlling and I know they would push him to go to the courts etc for access , not that he enjoys any time with them now he is home anyway.

telling my son I am dead (and I do have a heart condition too) has really struck a cord that this man is not healthy and cannot be around mt children.

please if anyone can offer advise, my main priority is my children and him not being able to lie and get unsupervised access to our kids. As a mother all I want is to protect them even if it means staying with him and being able to monitor that he doesn’t abuse them!

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 20/09/2023 23:11

Report his behaviour to someone eg talk to womens aid.
Staying is not the answer.

MrsMous · 20/09/2023 23:12

contact womens aid for advice straight away. You need a court order - so see a solicitor and apply for legal aid. Keep every text/letter any evidence you have with you.

Morewineplease10 · 20/09/2023 23:17

How awful. I'd definitely class that as abusive behaviour- to your son - as well as to you.

Women's aid would be a good start and they can recommend local solicitors that specialise in this area.

Agree that staying isn't the answer. Could you move to your parents and get away from the area? This isn't the 'proper' way of doing things but once your kids have settled and by the time it's gone to court - if it does - they often preserve the status quo.

Just an idea.

Nicole1111 · 20/09/2023 23:40

Definitely contact women’s aid, or a local
domestic abuse charity if you have one, as then you’ll likely get face to face support. The risk can and often does increase when you end a relationship so it’s best to do this in a planned way with the support and guidance of professionals

Nicole1111 · 20/09/2023 23:41

This should help you think about all the different ways he might be abusive and what evidence you might have

My partner said to our child ‘mummy is dead’
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 20/09/2023 23:43

Don't deliberate further. Run from a man who emotionally abused a small child

mrsfollowill · 20/09/2023 23:47

Jesus- that is horrific- poor you and your poor child - what an arsehole! You need to get away from this one and fight any effort he makes to get unsupervised contact. What type of man says this to a 4 year old child? It's child abuse surely? I read stuff on here all the time but this is just awful.

Restinggoddess · 20/09/2023 23:53

What does he need to do before you realise you need to leave him?

Leave him

Andthereyougo · 21/09/2023 00:04

God that’s awful, what a vile man.
Definitely speak to Women’s Aid as soon as you can. Make sure he can’t get into your phone to check on your calls.
Is he on the dc birth certificates , you say DP, not DH? If he isn’t this might make it possible for you to get away without him having access, you need to ask WA or a lawyer.

Original poster
Feelingvulnerable1992 · 21/09/2023 00:13

He is on the birth certificate. Can I still fight for him to not get access as he is abusive?

OP posts:
73636sssss · 21/09/2023 10:52

@Feelingvulnerable1992 it would be supervised access in a contact centre
please leave this guy, violence escalates and he could seriously hurt your child the next time you go out

Dolores87 · 21/09/2023 10:54

I would leave and seek legal advice immediately about restricted contact. This is so far from ok is is abuse of your child.

YawningCat · 21/09/2023 10:59

You need to contact your local domestic violence service to get information about your rights and your options and make a plan to leave - safely.

this is abuse and will damage both you and your children, but remember his behaviour is about controlling yours, you will need support and a plan to exit safely.

Good luck x

caringcarer · 21/09/2023 11:22

Ring Women's Aid when he's not around and talk it all through with them. They can help you to escape his abuse. Sounds like he's abusive to you and your DS to me.

Aishah231 · 21/09/2023 12:02

It's easy to say leave but I get your dilemma OP. The system will not protect you or your child in this situation. That's why so many women stay. You can however make it clear to him that the relationship is over and start planning for a future away from him. Start saving, let others in your life know what's going on. Build up a support network. Build up your child's defences by talking to them and explaining that many things their father does and says are wrong. If he wants to kick you out of the house let him do it but then refuse to allow contact unless he goes through the courts. Register every incident of abuse with the police. He might not bother pursuing contact if he thinks he's 'won' by getting the house. Get yourself ready to leave and good luck OP.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 21/09/2023 12:17

Feelingvulnerable1992 · 20/09/2023 23:09

My son is really going through a hard stage, he is almost 5 and he doesn’t like his dad very much. His dad (my partner) is very miserable, always moaning at him and always puts me down in front of our children. I’ve looked into domestic abuse and I feel he definitely falls under this but I do not have much evidence.

he said to my son yesterday when I was at the gym, and he was crying for me - that mummy is dead. Isn’t that awful? Would you end the relationship? I am so upset and angry and to add to insult he insists my child is lying. My child does tell lies but when I speak to him and say to look me in the eyes and tell the truth, I can tell he is not lying to me.

I am scared to end the relationship because he is so mentally unstable and just flips from nice to awful and I want to be around when he is near our children. Especially saying things like that to them. He also pulled my son by the arm across the room in his temper and says I’m a wet lettuce and thinks he did nothing wrong by doing this.

I want to ensure if I do end the relationship, what evidence do I need to ensure that he cannot have unsupervised time with mt children. Ideally I’d like to stop all contact until he can at least prove he has changed and got help but when I read online it seems all for the abuser! Saying that they hardly ever stop contact etc. this is damaging my son, I don’t even want him to have supervised time with them , it’s got to the point I’m scared to kick him out because I’ve read stories where the father lies about the mother and makes out she is stopping the children seeing them and they end up getting custody. Even him having them for the day without me there , I just don’t feel safe. All I want is for my children to be happy and safe and I know that he is unstable.

I feel like the better option is to stay with him so that he cannot be with them without supervision from myself. His parents are a nightmare, they enable him, the mother is an abuser herself etc. they are controlling and I know they would push him to go to the courts etc for access , not that he enjoys any time with them now he is home anyway.

telling my son I am dead (and I do have a heart condition too) has really struck a cord that this man is not healthy and cannot be around mt children.

please if anyone can offer advise, my main priority is my children and him not being able to lie and get unsupervised access to our kids. As a mother all I want is to protect them even if it means staying with him and being able to monitor that he doesn’t abuse them!

Of course I'd end the relationship. Why are you thinking of staying and bringing up your child in such an abusive household?

Mmhmmn · 21/09/2023 12:29

He is deranged.

If you don't end it for your own sake, do it for your son's. Do you have family/friends you can tell and start to get support from? (Obviously official channels of advice and support in leaving him and protecting you and your DS are also needed)

54isanopendoor · 21/09/2023 12:36

Dolores87 · 21/09/2023 10:54

I would leave and seek legal advice immediately about restricted contact. This is so far from ok is is abuse of your child.

It's abuse. Of your child (also of you). Call Women's Aid. Take legal advice.
Don't allow your child (or you) to live like this. He WON'T improve. Leave him.

tattygrl · 21/09/2023 12:52

This is categorically abuse, to yourself and to your child. Telling a child their mother is dead is horrifically abusive and cruel. The dragging thing is also a red flag.

Seek advice (Women's Aid). I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's absolutely not the answer to stay with the abuser, though - although I completely understand your thinking.

JFDIYOLO · 21/09/2023 12:57

Think.

Every day you stay you are further exposing your helpless child to an abuser.

Anything is better than that.

Reach out for help - women's aid, citizens advice.

Get birth certificates, passports, money, a bag of essentials, and get your child and yourself to safety.

Pinkbonbon · 21/09/2023 13:44

Unfortunately it's a big mistake to think that we can stay and 'protect' the child. All that happens then is they use you against eachother. The child feels they need to modify their behaviour to protect their mother...keep secrets...ect... or that they have to start to abuse their mother too, so as to stay in fathers good books.

The child also learns that its OK to abuse women, they'll still hang around when you do. And that abusive relationships are normal and to be tolerated.

If you leave, you are showing the child 'daddy's behaviour was not ok, so I left him' (be sure to tell him that too. And to have conversations moving forwards about respect, boundaries and how to spot and avoid bullies) and also, giving the child one safe home to be in, away from this horrible man. So there are times where he doesn't have to walk on eggshells. Hopefully, his mother will also be happy too :)

benoticanarsed · 21/09/2023 19:19

How old is your other child?

Sorry I have no advice. I hope you can speak to someone for help.

Original poster
Feelingvulnerable1992 · 22/09/2023 00:12

You clearly didn’t read my post. Lots of mums who leave the father then accuse the mother of lying (his word against theirs) and then the father gets unsupervised access or in some cases full custody because they say the mother is abusing the children by stopping the father from seeing them. It’s not as simple as ip and leave. If I stay at least I can monitor him around my children and he isn’t unsupervised. I’m trying to find out the best way to leave so that I have evidence and he doesn’t get the chance to say im lying etc. that’s what abusers do.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 22/09/2023 00:49

He won't get full custody if he says you are abusing the child. That's not how it works. There needs needs be serious proof for something like that. Unfortunately it also means you probably won't get full custody either.

But op...let me give you my personal experience as it might change your perspective . My grandmother was the abusive one in my family. Sometimes I was left alone with her and yes, it could be tough. She was often spiteful, had had temper, told me I'd ruined my mother's life...ect...But do you know what the worst thing was for memeThe times when she would play me off AGAINST my mother.

My mother would come home and, after I'd had what I thought was a nice day with my gran (at least, by her usual standards) she'd tell my mum I'd been a horrible, unfelial child. And it broke my heart. That my mother might believe her. And, because we just... stayed...I grew up thinking maybe I was bad. Maybe there was something wrong with me. Because otherwise, why wouldn't my mother leave. Even if I'd had to go back sometimes because there was no one else to watch me...I'd have understood. Because I knew she was trying. And I knew she loved me enough to try.

My gran, though demanding of her time, wasnt usually nasty to my mum as my mum was her golden child. But, i can only imagine how much worse it would have been for me to see her treated that way. On top of being made to worry that my mother didn't love me.

By the time I was ten, I had it sussed that my gran just, wasn't a very nice woman. And yes, her behaviour continued to be awful but I could...block it out mostly.

But what stung right up until the old bat died when I was 12, was that my mother stayed and listened and, even though there might have been times she called gran up for her bs...I don't remember those times. Because words mean nothing if actions speak louder. And staying, speaks loudest.

I love my mother, and I understand why she tolerated grans awfulness. She'd been raised seeing her sister scapegoating by her. But...if I could go back, if I could go back as an adult now...I'd shake my mother. I'd tell her to please, please...choose me. Even if she couldn't save me...to please just choose me.

Go op. Find a way.
No vhild wants to grow up in that environment. Where you choose him and not your child. Every day, by staying.

Auntieneicy · 22/09/2023 00:55

I relate to this. Still very fresh and new
I went to the police and they referred me to a domestic abuse charity and support groups. The charity was called new ERA. Im unsure if they are in your area but you can self refer and they deal with EVERYTHING. To a T. Give them a call. They will put your mind at rest. Tou won't have to worry about a thing. They do all the hard work for you, they get you a sicitor etc for free. They're brilliant. They set up all of the orders to restric or abstain contact etc.

Good luck! Always keep your chin up and stay strong. You will get through this! YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!!! Dont EVER forget that!!!xxx