My partner said to our child ‘mummy is dead’

[Feelingvulnerable1992]

My son is really going through a hard stage, he is almost 5 and he doesn’t like his dad very much. His dad (my partner) is very miserable, always moaning at him and always puts me down in front of our children. I’ve looked into domestic abuse and I feel he definitely falls under this but I do not have much evidence.

he said to my son yesterday when I was at the gym, and he was crying for me - that mummy is dead. Isn’t that awful? Would you end the relationship? I am so upset and angry and to add to insult he insists my child is lying. My child does tell lies but when I speak to him and say to look me in the eyes and tell the truth, I can tell he is not lying to me.

I am scared to end the relationship because he is so mentally unstable and just flips from nice to awful and I want to be around when he is near our children. Especially saying things like that to them. He also pulled my son by the arm across the room in his temper and says I’m a wet lettuce and thinks he did nothing wrong by doing this.

I want to ensure if I do end the relationship, what evidence do I need to ensure that he cannot have unsupervised time with mt children. Ideally I’d like to stop all contact until he can at least prove he has changed and got help but when I read online it seems all for the abuser! Saying that they hardly ever stop contact etc. this is damaging my son, I don’t even want him to have supervised time with them , it’s got to the point I’m scared to kick him out because I’ve read stories where the father lies about the mother and makes out she is stopping the children seeing them and they end up getting custody. Even him having them for the day without me there , I just don’t feel safe. All I want is for my children to be happy and safe and I know that he is unstable.

I feel like the better option is to stay with him so that he cannot be with them without supervision from myself. His parents are a nightmare, they enable him, the mother is an abuser herself etc. they are controlling and I know they would push him to go to the courts etc for access , not that he enjoys any time with them now he is home anyway.

telling my son I am dead (and I do have a heart condition too) has really struck a cord that this man is not healthy and cannot be around mt children.

please if anyone can offer advise, my main priority is my children and him not being able to lie and get unsupervised access to our kids. As a mother all I want is to protect them even if it means staying with him and being able to monitor that he doesn’t abuse them!

This is a terrible dilemma to be in and I understand why you are worried. He is a vile abuser of you and your child. Ensure you have a conversation with your child about Dads behaviour being wrong, and that you have told him never to say it again ( same with the dragging across the room)

if your child tells school what dad said, or does they will report it- they have to legally. SS will then want to see how are a protective factor in preventing your children coming to emotional ( wh is what this is), physical or sexual abuse. They view abuse as being present in the home and children being exposed to it.

You need to get some advice, because although you think you are doing the best thing to protect them, you might not be. I would also find out just how often courts allow abusive parents to see their children alone- perhaps there may be reassurance there.

Definitely, shore up your support, even if it means moving back to parents. I would try to get as far away as possible from this man. It’s not a normal human instinct to try and inflict emotional pain on your child, or indeed any child. Believe your child, I do not think he would have made it up. You’ve seen other unacceptable behaviour towards him before.

How much does you husbands behaviour have to do with the difficulties your son is having? Why would he say this to your son? What other frightening things might he have said?

You should have left him long ago. He sounds like an evil cunt.

Also consider that we think to stay and shied our children from it...but in time, they then feel the need to do the same for us. And often they can't. And as heartbreaking as it will be that there are times you fail to protect him from hateful words...imagine how much worse that would be for a child. To watch their mother abused day in, day out and be able to do nothing.

Maybe even growing up, feeling like it's their duty to shield others...and never really thinking about their own needs. Becoming enablers and fixers and codependents because they're used to enabling or trying to save 'hurt' people.

Children aren't stupid. There comes a point where they can say 'I love this person...but they aren't good'. Sometimes it takes longer. But while they are getting there, the best thing for them is to have a safe place completely away from that person that thry can retreat to. And it's far easier if they don't also have the burden of a mother they need to protect who also hangs around in the firing line. So if you can get away and get your own place then...two birds one stone.

I don't have a high opinion of the family court, but I think it's vanishingly unlikely that they would grant him full custody.

You have to leave. Staying is a terrible solution. You're ensuring that your child has no safe environment at all. And there can never be a safe environment around an abuser, no matter how much you think you're mitigating it. At least if you separated, your child would have a safe home with you.

You also can't underestimate the damage this is doing to you, personally. No one would expect their parent to stay in a horrible relationship and be abused either. Your child wants the best for you and you deserve that.

@Feelingvulnerable1992 You are very much in the cycle of abuse. I think you do know this but are so worn down by it that you aren't making wise choices at the moment. That isn't a criticism, just an observation.
It's worth considering how this is all influencing your son's view of the world, and you mention having more than one child with this man as well (if I've read it correctly).
I am a trauma therapist, hence my username, and please consider the fact that 80% of my current client list are adults who experienced childhood trauma through a parent staying with an abusive partner. The resulting ripple effect that has on a child must not be underestimated.

You either support your children now by teaching them about putting boundaries in place, protecting them and keeping them safe. Or you stay under the misguided notion of gathering evidence and being generally around while teaching the children that staying with an abuser is the right thing to do.

I know you aren't doing this out of silliness or anything like that, you are also a target of his abuse. But you absolutely MUST contact Women's Aid now before it deteriorates any further, and believe me it will. Don't make this the template by which your children view relationships as they grow up. You are setting them up for a grim future by staying regardless of your certainty. Maybe also an idea to read up on attachment theory regarding how children of abuse view rules for love and life. Please don't stay, it won't help the way you're hoping for. If anything it is only perpetuating the very thing you're trying to protect them from.

I think it's tricky. If you do feel you need to stay for a while use this time to gain evidence of his behaviour. With out evidence it's very unlikely the family courts will take you seriously.
My children had supervised contact for a bit then it went to no contact. But I was lucky that I had very good evidence, witnesses and police reports. Start thinking how you build a case against him.

I understand your fears about custody and access.

I'd suggest you start by having an initial chat with Women's Aid. They will support you at your pace. You don't have to leave instantly.

I understand how frightening this is. Make the first step and get proper advice.

Because the most dangerous time for any women who is being abused is the moment she leaves?
Because he's abusive, therfore unpredictable in his behaviour? OP is in an abusive relationship and clearly quite scared, have some decorum here!

OP please do speak to women's aid and the other sources that some people have listed, and get an action plan together that gives you the safest exit possible. Good luck and always come back here for support if need be x