If you've got a happy, busy life as a single person..

[Startstruck]

how do you fit "someone" into your life, should the opportunity/desire arise?

I've been single for a couple of years. Despite horrible circumstances leading up to it it, I feel like I've thrived on it and am loving life. I have a busy time with friends and hobbies and also have discovered I love time to have adventures on my own.

Someone asked me last week if I'd be up for a relationship and my response was I don't know. I don't want to change my life, some male attention and sex might be nice, I could probably fit them in once a fortnight, as long as it's a Wednesday 😆

Coincidently, I'm going for a drink with a (different) man this weekend. It's very low key at this stage and very likely won't come to anything, but what's normal for more mature adults, not looking to "settle down" but quite the opposite?

No one? It it normal to abandon friends and hobbies once a dating opportunity comes along or is it possible to do both?

For example, in the next 4 months I have three weekend trips away with friends, one week long trip on my own and several competitions to do with my hobby. I don't know where a man fits!

If you like him enough/he's worth your time you'll want to fit him in. Make this your test.

So I'm in the same position. I was dating online for a few years, but whenever there were lulls, (and with hindsight I didn't really notice it was happening), I was building a single life. A very happy single life.

Roll on a few years, and when someone asked me out for a drink in February of this year, I looked in my diary and realised the first date I could offer him was June. Because I don't want to not go out with my friends, or not do my hobbies, or have my peace and quiet time.

I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that I don't want a relationship, after all it's all I've known or dreamt about since I was little.

But, when I think about it;I really don't.

Carry on exactly as you are. If you meet someone you click with (not just sexual chemistry) it will all fall into place. Nobody’s life is set in stone.

I certainly wouldn’t abandon my friends/hobby/life for a man and don’t have the time for one (so I’m not looking) but if someone came along that caught my eye, I’m sure I’d either find a way to make time for him, or dismiss the idea because it didn’t suit.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

I'm very happily single and would not attempt to fit a relationship in to my life. If I fancied a shag, I'd go on a date and sleep with them if it felt right. However ,I would not have someone sitting on my sofa talking through my TV programmes or asking tedious questions about my day and I would not be sending pointless texts at any time. The very thought of all that bores me rigid, my life is ace, there's no room or need for a bloke in it.

Maybe that’s why some people have FWBs or something casual so it is less frequent and less intense but they get the sex they’re after

I feel the same as you! I’m wondering what I actually want from a partner, aside from occasional sex and company. When I was younger, I dated to find ‘the one’, someone to hopefully marry and have children with. And I did get married and have children, but he definitely wasn’t ‘the one’ 😁

I enjoy my single life. I certainly never want to live with a partner again. Or make the many compromises that my marriage entailed (even small things like what to watch on TV or have for dinner)

To be honest, the only time I really feel pain at being single is financially. It can be tough, especially as a single parent. But I’m in no rush to change things, if I ever do!

I just spilt with someone and one of the factors was how much he wanted to spend time with me and how little time I had between kids, work and him. I was worn out.

So I think maybe be clear about it if you do meet someone. Be clear what your current boundaries are (like moving in defo not on the cards etc) because someone wanting more than you can offer is brutal.

Yes. I don't think I'd be very good at casual sex though. It's more important to me than that, even though I haven't had any for a while 😆

I'm 52 and I'm on the dating apps, but I never meet anyone I want to change my lifestyle for. I think possibly for the first time in my life I am really, genuinely happy. I love my job and I've thrown myself into it, so I'm quite often working on an evening, and it's starting to pay off. I've got a good reputation in my field. I have my hobbies which I can pursue by myself or go off with my club, I usually do a bit of both. I have a social life with my friends which I really enjoy. I travel where I want (finances allowing) and I have two months every summer where I don't work, I'm very lucky, but not many potential partners have the same time off. I also love travelling by myself. I

For me, it's because in past relationships I felt I gave up my interests for my partner and at some point I've now decided me first, and I'm being, for what feels like the first time in my life, very selfish. I don't really have time or want a long term, sit on the sofa together watching Netflix, kind of relationship.

More people are opting to have a relationship and live separately. I hope these couples can find the best of both worlds, where they still have their independence, yet their partner will support them when thing are tough, and share their joys when things are on the up. On the minus side i think this situation has contributed to the housing crisis.

Yeah, this is absolutely true. If you find someone you like enough to let into your life, you'll know it's right.

Maybe but I just don't want the life I dreamed of when I was younger anymore. No matter how good he is, I don't want to live with him or be obliged to always holiday with him etc.

This is so what I think. I’m very newly single but I can’t bear the thought of a relationship and this will be the first time in my life I am not either in a relationship of pining for one! But this is new to me and quite bewildering. I also don’t want sex. I have no need for it or desire. I could genuinely be a nun. But it makes me a little bit sad to think about not having the security of a man around. It can feel reassuring to be in a couple.

I was happily single for years and years
Then I suddenly dated this guy this summer, you can see my on/off posts about it if you search - people were rightly critical.

I think I left him five times. The last time is for good.

I don't know why I even tried it, I am sorry I hurt him but I'm not going to self-flagellate any more. I did warn him what I was like...I realise that sounds a bit awful to some as well.

I don't know why I did it except my life was a mess after lockdown, my mum had a stroke in November and everything felt so shit and upside down....I just thought, well, I'm not putting him into my 2019 life - that would have been a definite no. But my 2019 life fell apart. So putting a man into what felt like a less happy life wasn't quite the same, you know?

If life is good, don't plonk a man into it.

I ended up having a nervous breakdown over care for my mum and interestingly, a couple of lost friends came straight back into my life to help out.

But I feel like shit about it, he's been hurt, I feel like I wasted a lot of time on him when I could have been doing other stuff....I would say don't bother. It's a lot of hassle and you just end up with....a bloke hanging around.

No, I believe that's the government's fault. I'm not taking the blame for this one.

X post with Misty

I found it very unstable to be in a relationship but I guess that's because I like being without a man. But going back to dating 15+ years ago, it's the instability I hate as well with relationships. I'm just not a relationship person. Friendship and community, I love.

Christ,
i got told this crap 20 years ago.

I can barely fit myself in my flat. If I lived with someone, I'd need four bedrooms and three bathrooms at least!

I like the idea of FWB on a practical level. I'm not sure how I'd deal with the idea that he's free to see others or that he'd likely go off with someone else when he did.

I don't think that I would have the problem of time, as I don't fit in as much on weekends as you. I would have the problem of lack of energy though, I pretty much do things up to my limit already, which is less than ideal, and the thought of having another thing to do is quite intimidating. I don't think I could travel for now to see someone, so I'm happy pottering around single for the time being.

It was different cos I was late 20s and looking for a husband to procreate with but when I met DH I worked two paid jobs (one full time, one few hours three times a week) and I volunteered at two weekend jobs. Plus friends, life.
I laid it out and said this is what I do, it's important but I do want a relationship and going forward I'll fit you in.

I stayed doing two jobs until mat leave with DS1, was home late a couple of nights but nothing major. I trimmed back one lot of volunteering. I negotiated with other free time. We moved in very quickly and I think part of it was about when we saw each other.

Just be up front about how much time you have at present and if you're willing to see where it goes. Of you're only ever after every other Wednesday and every third Sunday you're looking more at a FWB situ. Just be upfront

I've been separated just over 3 yrs. Really have got into my life alone in my lovely house. Have heaps of friends, male and female, all over the world, go away a lot, do gigs, holidays, weekend trips, etc. Kids are young adults, I have great relationships with them and my ex.

Did tinder last year, a few ONS etc then met a guy 11 months ago who is separated with dependant children (one of whom lives with him 99% of the time) He lives an hour away. We see each other once a week, and for an overnight/weekend about every 3 weeks. The sex is unbelievable and we have an incredible easy, honest, and fun relationship. Neither of us wants cohabiting, marriage or children! (I'm mid 50s, he's mid 40s) Neither of us will ever move from the towns we live in. He loves that I'm an independent person with loads of friends and my own life, because he is too! We can discuss our kids and exes with each other, knowing we will never be a "blended" family. We love each other but rejoice in not having to worry where it's going or making demands on each others time. We are both very secure in ourselves and just enjoy being together, whether it's a pub, picnic, walk, meal out, or a lazy Sunday watching tv.

You can have it all!! I haven't been this happy in years and I feel like I am finally living the life I deserve 🥰

That does indeed sound perfect to me. Is the frequency of sex enough to make things exclusive for both of you though?

I’ve got a very busy social life and came off OLD when I realised I didn’t have a free weekend all summer

If I meet anyone, I wouldn’t want anything too full on right now. I’d want someone who has their own life and accepts that I have mine but we make it work when we can. I definitely don’t want to live with someone again.

There needs to be a new word for a relationship that...

Has - exclusive sex, great connection, great company, feelings for each other

Doesn't have - blended families, living together, plans of future, pressure on other persons time

Like a proper relationship, but part time.