Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you've got a happy, busy life as a single person..

48 replies

Startstruck · 20/09/2023 20:53

how do you fit "someone" into your life, should the opportunity/desire arise?

I've been single for a couple of years. Despite horrible circumstances leading up to it it, I feel like I've thrived on it and am loving life. I have a busy time with friends and hobbies and also have discovered I love time to have adventures on my own.

Someone asked me last week if I'd be up for a relationship and my response was I don't know. I don't want to change my life, some male attention and sex might be nice, I could probably fit them in once a fortnight, as long as it's a Wednesday 😆

Coincidently, I'm going for a drink with a (different) man this weekend. It's very low key at this stage and very likely won't come to anything, but what's normal for more mature adults, not looking to "settle down" but quite the opposite?

OP posts:
Original poster
Startstruck · 20/09/2023 22:44

arethereanyleftatall · 20/09/2023 22:38

There needs to be a new word for a relationship that...

Has - exclusive sex, great connection, great company, feelings for each other

Doesn't have - blended families, living together, plans of future, pressure on other persons time

Like a proper relationship, but part time.

Yes, absolutely, but does that suit men or will they have more than one of these arrangements....?

OP posts:
Beautifulday3 · 20/09/2023 22:45

I could have written this! Seeing someone after marriage ended. I work, study, have kids, friends etc. So yes it’s very part time we will see if it works. But I think we both like it that way. I don’t intend to introduce my children, move in etc. Part time is good!

alwaysmovingforwards · 20/09/2023 22:49

Startstruck · 20/09/2023 22:05

I like the idea of FWB on a practical level. I'm not sure how I'd deal with the idea that he's free to see others or that he'd likely go off with someone else when he did.

You just need to find someone as busy and independent as you
Plenty of us enjoy exclusive FWB situationships 😉

SamW98 · 20/09/2023 22:56

arethereanyleftatall · 20/09/2023 22:38

There needs to be a new word for a relationship that...

Has - exclusive sex, great connection, great company, feelings for each other

Doesn't have - blended families, living together, plans of future, pressure on other persons time

Like a proper relationship, but part time.

That’s exactly what I want. Completely exclusive, dates, holidays, a real connection but both have lives away from each other. And both have our own homes - spend time at each others but also go home.

I couldn’t do FWB. I have to have an emotional connection to sleep with someone and if I have that connection I want more than just sex.

Username620 · 20/09/2023 23:00

Startstruck · 20/09/2023 22:05

I like the idea of FWB on a practical level. I'm not sure how I'd deal with the idea that he's free to see others or that he'd likely go off with someone else when he did.

I have an FWB but we are exclusive. If anyone else comes along it will end but neither of us wants to be in a full blown relationship at the moment.

pinkcheesy · 20/09/2023 23:12

Yes, we are exclusive. He barely has time to pee, let alone see anyone else 🤣 But he has learned that he has to have time for himself occasionally (he is a very good parent, and his kids come first always)
The sex is very full-on when we have the opportunity and it's enough for us both 😈

OceanShore · 20/09/2023 23:21

You could live very independently as you do and still have a committed relationship. You don’t have to move in with anyone or give up your hobbies. It sounds like you’re a bit worried about whether your partner would find that arrangement enough because you ask “would that suit men?”. Men are individuals too! They don’t all behave the same.

Original poster
Startstruck · 21/09/2023 08:02

Hmm. OK, it sounds like there are possibilities...

OP posts:
aurynne · 21/09/2023 08:06

It is hard for many men to accept that now, many older women who are independent and confident will not give up their life, their hobbies and their stability in order for a man to have sex and continue to have his hobbies and his friends, without making any sacrifice. That time is over. We women can set the conditions we want for a relationship and not settle for what the man wants.

I have been happily single for 3 years and now I have met someone amazing. But his amazingness won't make me change the even more amazing life I already have. He will have to fit in it. I don't want to live with him, I want to have my own space. I won't move to his town, he is free to move closer to me but not into my house. I'm going to continue seeing my friends, male and female, on my own and travelling on my own, in addition to of course finding time to do things with him. But I am not molding my life to the one he has or wants. There needs to be compromise both ways, and the compromise needs to work for both.

If he doesn't like the conditions... he can go back to being single, and so can I. I love that I don't need him, and he does not need me. Our love is not codependent.

Bapbap45 · 21/09/2023 08:34

I'm saving this thread, as I really needed to read all of this. This is what I wanted, then I met someone and he wanted a more traditional relationship and it didn't work. It was worth a go, it's meant that I now know to trust my instincts and stick to what I want.

No regrets, as its also shown I'm lovable and really helped me heal after my divorce.

pinkcheesy · 21/09/2023 08:40

"Our love is not codependent"

Love that!!

I am finding that more men are feeling like this too, and are proud of being single and managing perfectly well without a woman. They make fantastic friends because there's no agenda!
My bf and I say that "we fit into the unoccupied corners of each others lives"

TedMullins · 21/09/2023 08:50

Startstruck · 20/09/2023 21:54

Maybe but I just don't want the life I dreamed of when I was younger anymore. No matter how good he is, I don't want to live with him or be obliged to always holiday with him etc.

Show quote history

You can have a relationship without living together or always holidaying together though. There’s no reason to give up any of the stuff you do. I’ve always thought friendships and individual pursuits should be prioritised on the same level as romantic relationships, because we can’t get all our needs met by just one person.

TedMullins · 21/09/2023 08:57

aurynne · 21/09/2023 08:06

It is hard for many men to accept that now, many older women who are independent and confident will not give up their life, their hobbies and their stability in order for a man to have sex and continue to have his hobbies and his friends, without making any sacrifice. That time is over. We women can set the conditions we want for a relationship and not settle for what the man wants.

I have been happily single for 3 years and now I have met someone amazing. But his amazingness won't make me change the even more amazing life I already have. He will have to fit in it. I don't want to live with him, I want to have my own space. I won't move to his town, he is free to move closer to me but not into my house. I'm going to continue seeing my friends, male and female, on my own and travelling on my own, in addition to of course finding time to do things with him. But I am not molding my life to the one he has or wants. There needs to be compromise both ways, and the compromise needs to work for both.

If he doesn't like the conditions... he can go back to being single, and so can I. I love that I don't need him, and he does not need me. Our love is not codependent.

Love this! And that’s exactly how it should be.

Original poster
Startstruck · 21/09/2023 09:01

Interesting because I agree with everything that's been said, but how many threads do we see about the awfulness of men who want to continue their single lives/hobbies whilst in a relationship?

OP posts:
aurynne · 21/09/2023 09:07

Startstruck · 21/09/2023 09:01

Interesting because I agree with everything that's been said, but how many threads do we see about the awfulness of men who want to continue their single lives/hobbies whilst in a relationship?

Men have exactly the same right to want to set their conditions for a relationship. But if they are so awful... then leave them, or just say no.

gannett · 21/09/2023 09:15

Startstruck · 21/09/2023 09:01

Interesting because I agree with everything that's been said, but how many threads do we see about the awfulness of men who want to continue their single lives/hobbies whilst in a relationship?

When I read those posts, I don't necessarily think those men are awful. They just made entirely the wrong life choices, based around following a set life path they thought they "should" go down. We see posts from women who've done that too - who had kids with men they knew were unsuitable because they wanted family life etc. I feel there are a lot of men out there who were never especially suited to family life but never had the self-awareness or courage to realise that before they were responsible for one.

I'm hopeful this is changing. I don't believe anyone should change themselves, sacrifice what they want out of life or deviate from a lifestyle that makes them happy just for a partner - they should find a partner they're compatible with. A lot of the time people don't believe that someone is out there who wants a less-conventional setup but they really are.

I think a partner should always fit around your life rather than you fitting your life around your partner. I had a happy, busy single life in my 20s and DP became DP because he fit into it like a jigsaw piece, rather than me having to take the jigsaw apart and try to put it together again. No sacrifices necessary.

FMSucks · 21/09/2023 09:26

I've been in an exclusive FWB relationship for nearly 5 months now. I've kids (both SN), hobbies, work FT, friends, family etc. My life is very full and busy. We met walking our dogs and became good friends. There was undeniable chemistry between us, we had a chat about it, both agreed we didn't want anything hot and heavy so we embarked on a FWB arrangement which neither of us had tried before.

After one month we decided we would be exclusive and have even gone away together for a few nights. While we don't fit exactly within the FWB "rules" we have established a relationship that works for both of us and I cannot tell you how easy it is. We see each other when we can (he lives locally which helps), there is zero pressure, no expectations and above all else we're really great friends now. We check in with each other daily and are very compatible. I should have done this years ago, would have saved myself so much heartache!

TedMullins · 21/09/2023 09:55

Startstruck · 21/09/2023 09:01

Interesting because I agree with everything that's been said, but how many threads do we see about the awfulness of men who want to continue their single lives/hobbies whilst in a relationship?

personally I don’t think men are awful for wanting that, unless it’s to the point of being actively detrimental to their partner, like going to the gym/pub etc every night and golfing on the weekend while the wife’s at home with a toddler, and never giving her the same amount of free time. If it was balanced that both people got time out to do hobbies while the other parented that’s fine (and if no kids are involved then I don’t think anyone should be giving up friends and hobbies for a partner)

Highdaysandholidays1 · 21/09/2023 09:56

@Startstruck I have never seen posts criticising men for having hobbies per se, more if they have young children and life commitments, then having an intensive hobby leaving the mum short of time and the kids all her responsibility isn't a good thing to do. Once the children are older/with other parent/left home, I think everyone agrees hobbies are great!

Yettisrus29 · 21/09/2023 11:52

I'm in the same position, I work hard doing a job I love, I go to the gym 6 days a week,see friends at weekends, go out at the weekends on my bike. I volunteer one evening a week. I'm so knackered in the evenings I just want to sit on the sofa with mind numbing tv on. And right now I'm glued to the Rugby World Cup.

I look at it and think when would I have the time to date anyone. I can't remember how I managed it before. I'd love to find someone to spend the rest of my life with but if I could skip the dating bit it would be perfect! 😂

I think that's probably why I'm leaving it in the hands of the gods and not actively looking to date but if a man comes along then I'll give it a go!

Flixon · 21/09/2023 12:02

I'm not looking for exactly this reason. I'm busy, happy and fulfilled. I really don't have time to build a relationship, - if someone comes along who seems worth the effort then I'm sure Ill find the time, but I cant be bothered to look !

MistyBay · 21/09/2023 20:00

‘Women who've done that too - who had kids with men they knew were unsuitable because they wanted family life etc. I feel there are a lot of men out there who were never especially suited to family life but never had the self-awareness or courage to realise that before they were responsible for one.’

this is SO wise. It’s me and my STBX to a T. He did his best, we did our best together.

Doubledded123 · 22/06/2024 22:13

Bookmark

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread