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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ex threatening suicide

43 replies

catsandplants · 20/09/2023 19:21

have been in what was an emotionally abusive relationship for a year. Found out my ex cheated on my last week by speaking to other women he had been with. He was very angry I had spoken to them and has gone off at me a few times since. I made a post on social media where i stated i had been cheated on but did not share his name or any details, i then made it only viewable to my friends as i felt bad. He had deleted his account but brought it back and found the post. While i regret this post - he had been cheating on me for a year, with multiple girls all whilst i was paying for him to live rent free, eyx.

He has now sent me 20+ plus messages swearing at me, telling me he hates me. Before phoning me up and stating ‘anything i do now is on your f——-ing head’ He then finally text me ‘you’ve drawn me to do this’ I have spoken to his mum who is out looking for him but i just feel awful and like this is all my fault ?!

OP posts:
JackGeller · 20/09/2023 19:27

Unfortunately that’s what abusive people do and say. I have also recently left an abusive relationship and he said all similar things but 5 months later he’s not acted on any of those things he said. and also it absolutely would not be on your head at all! I appreciate that’s so hard to hear though!

Zanatdy · 20/09/2023 19:29

That’s his intention, to make you feel bad when it’s him who has been cheating for a year. You’ve told his mum, hopefully she finds you but ultimately you’re not responsible for what he might do. He’s just trying to blackmail you into staying with him. It’s a commonly used tactic, I’d point him towards the Samaritans

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/09/2023 19:30

Zanatdy · 20/09/2023 19:29

That’s his intention, to make you feel bad when it’s him who has been cheating for a year. You’ve told his mum, hopefully she finds you but ultimately you’re not responsible for what he might do. He’s just trying to blackmail you into staying with him. It’s a commonly used tactic, I’d point him towards the Samaritans

You're a nice person.

I'd point him towards a bridge.

MintJulia · 20/09/2023 19:31

Classic spineless loser abuse. Take no notice. He doesn't mean it. He's just lashing out like a spoilt child.

You've let his mum know, which frankly is far more than you needed to do. Let his family deal with him. You are well rid of him so block him on all platforms and forget him.

SnorkeMor · 20/09/2023 19:31

Block him. He’s trying to manipulate you.

Starlightstarbright2 · 20/09/2023 19:32

Do you have children with him. … if not block him .

You don’t have to feel guilty for posting facts .. his issue is he plans to play victim…

Bonbon21 · 20/09/2023 19:34

Play him at his own game ... report his suicide threats to the police... and also his threats to you.. do not delete his messages.

FedUpMumof10YO · 20/09/2023 19:34

He sounds psychotic. Block and delete. You are NOT responsible for his mental health.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2023 19:34

There was a brilliant post on here ages ago, the gist of which was that the poster's ex had threatened suicide in similar circumstances. The conclusion was: Spoiler alert: he's still alive.

Made me laugh then and is the essence of how you should feel, amused. Not worried, not scared, not concerned.

Even in the vanishingly unlikely event that he does hurt himself (and he won't) it would be entirely his fault for being such a dick.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2023 19:35

Bonbon21 · 20/09/2023 19:34

Play him at his own game ... report his suicide threats to the police... and also his threats to you.. do not delete his messages.

This as well.

Flakey99 · 20/09/2023 19:36

He's clearly an abusive prick and trying every trick in the book to reel you back in.

Don't fall for it as he's a pure con man.

Anything he does will always only be his responsibility, no-one else's.

Assuming you don't have kids with him, block him and his mum. You're well rid of them both.

vipersnest1 · 20/09/2023 19:38

Block him and don't contact his mum.
He's pulling at the hook he has in you to see if you respond. Cut the line.

DeadbeatYoda · 20/09/2023 19:50

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2023 19:34

There was a brilliant post on here ages ago, the gist of which was that the poster's ex had threatened suicide in similar circumstances. The conclusion was: Spoiler alert: he's still alive.

Made me laugh then and is the essence of how you should feel, amused. Not worried, not scared, not concerned.

Even in the vanishingly unlikely event that he does hurt himself (and he won't) it would be entirely his fault for being such a dick.

Yes, this.

HohiyiKozbevi · 20/09/2023 20:02

Threatening suicide as a means of coercive control is abuse and is a crime. You are not responsible for his mental wellbeing and do not have to obey him in response to his threats. Only he is responsible for his actions, he cannot choose to make you responsible, it is all his choice and he is clearly an arsehole. I think you need a court order to stop him contacting you directly (any necessary communication via a reputable 3rd party eg solicitors or mediators)

Bivarb · 20/09/2023 20:11

Call the police and advise them of his suicide threats. If he's serious then he'll get the help he needs. If he isn't, then he'll have to explain to them that it is an abusive tactic. Inform his parents that he cheated on you and is now threatening suicide. Act most concerned, but do not respond to him directly. After all, you are not a trained mental health professional or even his girlfriend anymore...

Mmhmmn · 20/09/2023 20:12

He's talking shite. Block him on every mode of contact so he doesn't get the chance to do this again. Then move on and don't play out relationship, or ex-relationship stuff on Facebook.

Original poster
catsandplants · 20/09/2023 20:19

so i’ve been informed he’s been online on facebook less than an hour ago. Yet to hear from his mum on if he is safe but looks like another hissy fit from his end :)

OP posts:
Haribo888 · 20/09/2023 20:21

As someone who's been In an emotionally abusive relationship for 3 years I can confirm they often come with a push pull dynamic.

"I'm done with you"
"I'm.blocking you"
"You went through my phone, messaged women and accused me of xyz"
"You are always starting"
"You are ruining us"

Then you'll get the

"I give up"
"What's the point in continuing my life"
"You've done this to me"
"I am going to drink vodka and swallow pills'

Its basically done to originally distress you. Shut you down. Stop you asking questions and getting answers. Then they totally "change the subject" so you are apologising. Begging them to call, not kill themselves, listen etc. Then usually they will slither back in and act like nothings happened and you'll be so relieved they are calm again you let it go. They then get away with it!

The truth is he cheated. You have every right to be angry!

PaintedEgg · 20/09/2023 20:21

if he ever threatens the same thing - just call police and ask for a welfare check. if he is serious (he's not) they will help him, if these were empty threats then having his front door kicked in will surely make him re-consider sending these messages in the future

ZebraD · 20/09/2023 20:24

Has it not infuriated you that he could pretend to be so desperate. Block him! Anything negative in his life is from his own doing.

Catsafterme · 20/09/2023 20:27

Get yourself away from that man, he's abusive and will not change. They can do whatever they like without recourse, you will always be to blame. There is no low they will go to in order to make you feel like shit, including threatening suicide.

He won't though because it's all bollocks, they are spineless cowards and he's only saying it to make you scared and worried in order to apologize for something he did and take him back just so he can do it again.

SofiYol · 20/09/2023 20:31

I wish I had a pound for every time my abusive ex told me he was going to kill himself.

He is still very much alive and no doubt ruining some other woman’s life.

sammylady37 · 20/09/2023 20:43

The person who threatened me with suicide is still alive 15 years later. It’s simply another weapon in the abuser’s arsenal.

Caswallonthefox · 20/09/2023 20:46

Those that shout the loudest are the least likely to carry it out.
My ex tried to and unfortunately I saved him, he didn't yell from the rooftops.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/09/2023 20:53

Just block the twat. And if he manages to get another message through, ignore it.

The quickest way I found to put a stop to the messages (old phone, couldn't block callers, had to wait for a new number) was to not respond to them at all. No police time wasted, no upsetting his mother, waking his sister and BIL up. He must have realised eventually that I either didn't believe him or I did but didn't care one way or another.

My compassion wasn't just fatigued, it had completely oxidised and crumbled away to nothing. I did not care anymore.