He truly doesn't see it. I am done

[somanylaststraws]

I have been married for 25 years and have 3 children, one in college, one teen and one 6 year old. I work full time, so does he.

I do what he like to call "the admin stuff", otherwise known as everything needed to run a family. A life.

I do everything regarding school for the children: all parents evenings, all commincations, all apps, all projects, all payments, all admin. I buy the uniforms and the shoes and the bags and the books and the pens. I sign every form and make every decision.
I do every dr and dentist and optician and hospital appt (one child has quite a lot of these). I do all medications and management and decisions.
I do all birthday presents, xmas presents, birthday parties, treats. For our children and his large extended family. I plan book and organise every holiday, every flight, every trip or activity, every weekend. I pack for everyone. Anything fun I organise, down to playing a board game of an evening or a cinema trip.
I buy all the kids clothes, shoes, electronics, toiletries, anything they need. I organise haircuts. I do their bus passes, canteen cards, phone contracts, xbox gamepass their pocket money. I monitor their phone use and online presence.
I pay the bills, do the taxes, manage the money, I budget, I save.
I do the house, I bought and assembled every piece of furniture myself, I put up shelves and mirrors and curtain rails and pictures. I chose it all and I bought it all and I built it all.
I stay in touch with his family and I cook for them and host them and buy his mothers/siblings/neices and nephews birthday and xmas and so on gifts.

I do most of the shopping, most of the cooking, most of the cleaning.
He won't learn to do his daughters hair so I have to style it every day, he can't do a straight ponytail. I organise everything for everyone, all the time.

He does 75% of the laundry and mows the lawn (except when I do it) and reads to the youngest child at night. He cooks easy food once or twice a week and does a small bit of housework. He says he pulls his weight just fine and that he works harder (my job hsa a lot more responsibility than his and I work overtime too) He does not understand what I am complaining about.

I can't take the responsibility of it anymore. I don't get any gratitude, its all minimised and expected. He always has someone to rely on, who do I have? No-one. I don't get any affection either most of the time, he says we've drifted apart but really that means I ahev stopped meekly accepting that in order for things to be ok I have not ever have any feelings and just pretend everything is ok. Everyting is my responsibiluty.

I want him to go but I don't want to be alone. I'm too old to start again and I'll be poor anyway on one salary. he says he has nowhere to go and this is his home anyway and I can't make him.

No idea why I'm writing any of this. It might not make sense.

Stopping doing stuff for him and his family V Being alone

Stopping doing stuff

You dont not have pick up the slack in any area of life that is not directly connected to you or your children
He gets a cob on as he has no live in maid
He gets a cob on as as his family are now pissed off (you having contacted them all saying that you are now dealing with your own families presents etc, so its all on him)
He gets a cob on as life is no longer as easy as it once was
He gets a cob on as he has realised that its all his own fault
He takes his pissed off anger out on you

Being Alone

All of the above except you dont not live together anymore so you do not have to take the calls, can ignore the snotty text messages and can cheerfully reply to texts asking what he should do about his car insurance/gas bill/dirty pants "What all the other grown ups do, sort it out for yourself!"

Oh and I am 50. I will never live together or be married to anyone ever again. The mess I clear up is mine, the washing I do is mine, the problems I have are mine. And oh how fewer there are now I am single!

If you have been married for 25 years, I assume that you are reaching near menopause age ?

This is when I have found that things change

Less tolerant
More angry & emotional
Just cannot be bothered
Interrupted sleep
Mood swings
Etc

This is probably not helping your family life

It's not just the hours you spend doing all these things it's the emotional load of thinking about them as well.

So, you're going out for the day and one adult is sitting in the car, while the other adult is finding coats and shoes and "have you been to the toilet" and packing drinks and snacks and toys. All the time your brain is running through all the stuff your household needs to function.

I suggest giving your older children a bit more autonomy if you can, although initially it will probably take almost as long to oversee as to do. At least they won't grow up as useless as their father. Then decide if you want to devote the time to trying to get your husband to help more or will the reward not match the effort.

You will enjoy being single a lot more than you think you will, and not having to carry the resentment will give you a great deal of peace.

Talk to a solicitor.

Look up any benefits you are entitled to.

Tell him it's time to do couples counseling because problems are not being addressed.

If he refuses, divorce him.

OP, I had so much sympathy for you until you got stroppy on here. Save that attitude for home. Deal with your kids, do the absolute basics and important stuff but stop everything else. All of your children, even to an extent the youngest are old enough to start learning about appreciating what you do. The older two especially need to start sorting out their own shit. You really do reap what you sow. Stop enabling all of this.

Do your older children do chores around the house, washing, cooking etc? They should. If you don’t insist on that, you are not preparing them for the outside world. Why are you babying them and your husband by doing their packing and other things that should be doing for themselves. It actually is simple to stop doing a lot of it!

I don't think anyone is suggesting you stop feeding your children. You've chosen to cite all the wrong tasks you could drop. You could however stop the gift buying for others. Yes, there might be some short term upset but so what. That's martyr syndrome right there. Don't mow the lawn, don't do his washing, don't do the housework. Yes the house will be a hovel for a while but unless you're prepared to change something, nothing will change.

OP, you say you don’t want to be alone but really you already are. In every way that matters except financial (not saying that is not important by the way!) I know you can’t just stop doing these things and hope your partner steps up. The bigger question is, do you still want him in your life? Or put another way, if you met him today would you still want to be with him?

He's not grateful because this is how he expects life to be. You're not doing anything 'special'.
He has no idea of the mental and physical load.
I sympathize, but change is in your hands.
Christmas is coming - give him a list of the people he needs to buy presents for. Leave him to it.
Packing for a trip? He can pack his own.
Booking a trip? His job next time.
Fed up with cooking? Get him to do another night, get takeaway once a week or eat out (if you can).
As wives and mother's we sometimes enable useless men because it's easier to do the job yourself than clear up the mess when they do it - but lazy men will use this and be strategically inept. You really do have to drop the rope and mean it.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fair-Play-Deck-Conversation-Prioritizing/dp/059323166X

This helps map it out.

Don't give him lists of jobs. This is so infantalising grown men and it's more mental load work for you. Just tell him that things are going to change as you're no longer prepared to continue in the same way. Say you're not buying his family any more presents. He knows who his family are fgs and if he doesn't do it or forgets someone, then that's his problem. You managed to figure it out so I'm sure he can. Plus, I bet he doesn't forget stuff at work. This is strategic incompetence.

This is not easy OP, but you should have really started this when you went back to work. I did that with DH. I had done everything and no longer could when working full time.

My best suggestion is writing a list of everything you do, like you have here but more detailed. Write his list next to it. Tell him very clearly you can not continue. Which things on your list is he going to take on. If things don't change your only other option is to leave.

My best suggestion is writing a list of everything you do, like you have here but more detailed
I actually did this quite recently! My DH is entirely capable of doing anything around the house, but he gets lazy and will gradually do less and less.
I was getting fed up so one day made a list of everything. Every job I did - I wrote down. Then I gave it to him and said basically I am doing too much, you're doing too little, it's not fair and it's making me resent you.
I am quite willing to ignore things that need doing until he does them though! And I don't comment if he's done a poor job of something either..

Honestly, when you are alone you will still be doing it all but your life will be SO much easier as you will be doing it happily and without resentment.

Exh has the kids to stay and can get them to school, wash their clothes and feed them but lives out of boxes, doesn't plan anything with them, doesn't take them on holiday, I still do all the admin but get a break and am not living in a state of permanent anger. And the kids can now clearly see what is going in and the old ones choose to spend their time with me.

Stop doing things like laundry and cooking for him and the 25 year old, buying presents for his family. For all other tasks, ask him in front of the kids to do lots of them - "Can you go to Billy's parents evening next Tuesday? Can you pay the gas bill?" If he says no, say that's not fair and he needs to do his share.

If he still won't step up I would seriously leave him, and by then the kids will know exactly why.

Start by printing off a list of his family's birthdays. Then tell him you're leaving it to him to buy his family cards/gifts for birthday /Xmas as you won't be doing it anymore. Also tell his family DH is taking over gift buying for you. Then don't even think about it again. You did your bit for too many years. Stop doing his personal admin. Don't book him his dentist appointment or haircut appointment, opticians check up or anything personal to him. Make him do it himself or he goes without. Over time once he can do it get him to do it for one DC too. DC at Uni should be doing their own too. If he can manage laundry and grass cutting make him do 100 percent of those. Ask him to vacuum. No difference pushing a lawn mower to a vacuum cleaner. Consider you may well be happier without him adding to your mental load.

I think you’re in too deep to see the simple answer that’s right in front of you. Just stop doing it! You’re running yourself into the ground, you need to ease up, just stop. You don’t need to leave if it benefits you being with him (living alone is very expensive) but you don’t need to be doing most of the things you do. See to the kids but everything else, it’s you doing it to yourself, stop.

Start having a life for yourself, after work go to the gym, go to a hobby, start doing things for you, if you don’t respect yourself…why would anyone else. Only you can make the change.

Do things for DC. No one said stop that. Stop doing stuff for DH like making his dentist appointment, booking his hair cut, opticians check up etc. He makes his own appointments or HE goes without. Your DC at university should be feeling with their own life admin now. Otherwise you will be bringing up another helpless person unable to function in life. Encourage the teen to help with chores and take on booking haircuts and dentist. My kids started doing this for themselves once they were in Sixth Form. Give them the number to put in their phone and tell them to set up reminders. You just deal with your 6 year old and yourself, and monitor your teen is doing it for themself. Leave all cards/gifting of his family to him. Give him list of their birthdays. Tell them you hope they get gifts in future because DH is taking over the job. Let him know you've told them he is doing it now. If he forgets they will be cross at him not you. You are running yourself ragged and it can't go on. Where is your enjoyment in life? I'd tell him he changes or we divorce.

Ok, if all of those things are such a small part of it then they won't be missed will they? He can make his own appointments and sort his own families gifts out or organise hosting and do all of the stuff that goes with that and anything else you do for him.

Stop making life so easy for him. Once you start saying no more, it gets easier to keep on saying it.

There is a lot of self pity here. I am
not sure what you want people to say. You want him to help - he won’t. He is lazy and sexist. He believes this is your job - and all he has to do is go to work. You won’t force him to do anything - because you don’t believe he can or will.

So I have a solution. Leave him. Take the youngest child. Rent an apartment. And leave him to run the house and parent the older children!

He is showing a complete lack of respect for you. He sees you as the housemaid.
He wouldn't last long as my husband, I've already got rid of two like that.

What does the college child do? And the teen. As mine got older because I worked fulltime, they do own rooms and bed change, their washing, make their breakfasts and lunch, including packed lunch. They sorted their school stuff and buy their own clothes. This made a huge difference to my load. He needs to do his own family stuff. Give him a list of dates. Don’t cater - go out for a meal when they visit. Just pare it back as much as you can.

Stop doing it. Stop doing anything for his family. Tell them that you are not doing it for them so if no presents etc materialise it is on him (I did this - my mil said good for you I wish I had done that). Stop doing his laundry. Stop cooking for him. Zero him out of all of your lives. Act like you are on your own, you’ll lose nothing other than failed expectations.

I wonder if a slightly left field idea would work for you?

You are obviously a very capable, efficient and competent woman and you clearly CAN do it all. Would you feel happier if you continued to do it all (not saying it is fair or right but it is what it is and you say you don’t necessarily want to leave) but were more appreciated?

My mum did this - although she was a SAHM. She said she was quite happy to do the whole shebang, she would look after EVERYBODY but it was dad’s job to look after her.

Which meant gratitude, occasional flowers, nice/thoughtful birthday and Christmas presents, date nights - all sorts really but it worked for them as mum felt that all her work was appreciated, she got looked after and dad was like “fair enough - you buy 70 Christmas presents - I can buy 2 or 3 for you”