He truly doesn't see it. I am done

[somanylaststraws]

I have been married for 25 years and have 3 children, one in college, one teen and one 6 year old. I work full time, so does he.

I do what he like to call "the admin stuff", otherwise known as everything needed to run a family. A life.

I do everything regarding school for the children: all parents evenings, all commincations, all apps, all projects, all payments, all admin. I buy the uniforms and the shoes and the bags and the books and the pens. I sign every form and make every decision.
I do every dr and dentist and optician and hospital appt (one child has quite a lot of these). I do all medications and management and decisions.
I do all birthday presents, xmas presents, birthday parties, treats. For our children and his large extended family. I plan book and organise every holiday, every flight, every trip or activity, every weekend. I pack for everyone. Anything fun I organise, down to playing a board game of an evening or a cinema trip.
I buy all the kids clothes, shoes, electronics, toiletries, anything they need. I organise haircuts. I do their bus passes, canteen cards, phone contracts, xbox gamepass their pocket money. I monitor their phone use and online presence.
I pay the bills, do the taxes, manage the money, I budget, I save.
I do the house, I bought and assembled every piece of furniture myself, I put up shelves and mirrors and curtain rails and pictures. I chose it all and I bought it all and I built it all.
I stay in touch with his family and I cook for them and host them and buy his mothers/siblings/neices and nephews birthday and xmas and so on gifts.

I do most of the shopping, most of the cooking, most of the cleaning.
He won't learn to do his daughters hair so I have to style it every day, he can't do a straight ponytail. I organise everything for everyone, all the time.

He does 75% of the laundry and mows the lawn (except when I do it) and reads to the youngest child at night. He cooks easy food once or twice a week and does a small bit of housework. He says he pulls his weight just fine and that he works harder (my job hsa a lot more responsibility than his and I work overtime too) He does not understand what I am complaining about.

I can't take the responsibility of it anymore. I don't get any gratitude, its all minimised and expected. He always has someone to rely on, who do I have? No-one. I don't get any affection either most of the time, he says we've drifted apart but really that means I ahev stopped meekly accepting that in order for things to be ok I have not ever have any feelings and just pretend everything is ok. Everyting is my responsibiluty.

I want him to go but I don't want to be alone. I'm too old to start again and I'll be poor anyway on one salary. he says he has nowhere to go and this is his home anyway and I can't make him.

No idea why I'm writing any of this. It might not make sense.

I can see why men say they can’t understand women. I don’t understand them myself. You’ve happily adopted the role of the domestic martyr and enabled a lazy man for 25 years. I’m afraid this is all your own doing. I agree with others - the solution is very simple - just stop doing it. Like you should’ve done years ago.

so stop. Everything to do with his family, tell him it's his responsibility. Everything to do with him, it's now his responsibility. Go through your list, see what you've been doing that is for him and stop.

Youve enabled this. He's never going to be grateful.

Just stop.

I hear you. Clearly, too much is expected of you, but partly it’s expected because you do it. You can’t control the responses of another person, but you can control yourself. My kids knew how to use a washing machine, dishwasher and iron clothes from about the age of 12. I have lived with 4 men, one of whom is my second husband. The only time I have packed for one of them is when I offered to do it for my current (not planning to trade this one in) husband because the chickens needed to be seen to and dog poo needed picking (not that it’s left long, but we have 3, 1 of whom is a youngster who poos several times a day). I didn’t want either task, so said I’d pack for him if he did those things and he agreed.

You need to make different choices. If your husband is a PITA and you no longer love him, end it. Otherwise, end your self imposed domestic drudgery!

I suspect you've known the inequality of this for a long time, but have now hit a wall as you are worn out with it all. You probably knew after 19 years with him what he was like, but gave yourself more to do having a 3rd DC, so it's not surprising you're knackered - and maybe menopausal on top.
It's up to you to decide after all this time, how retrainable he is. You could start by showing him a list of the above, so he has it in back & white the jobs you do.
First to tell him, is you are passing on and absolving all responsibility for his side of the family and any personal/ dental appointments. Then either he alternates the food shop with you or it gets done online and he can pack away the delivery. Whoever cooks doesn't wash up and tidy the kitchen/ dining room after.
You're probably thinking there is more to life than employment, house administration and sleep on repeat - and you'd be right. If you don't get time out for yourself, make sure you start doing. I hope he's willing to look after his own DC so you can go out for an evening regularly? Apart from your youngest, give your other DC's their own allowance for clothing and make them responsible for getting it - saves time and teaches them about budgeting.
It looks like you've just got on with all tasks over 25 years instead of delegating.You don't mention if DC do chores? Make sure they do also as it's a family effort.

Was coming onto say the same thing, you have been doing it for 25 years no wonder he is suddenly perplexed, you should have nipped this in the bud at the start of your relationship.

Of course its not that simple! Just stop doing it? stop taking the children to drs appts, stop giving them medicine, stop doing everything re school, stop buying them birthday presents, stop feeding them properly?

Would you really stop looking after your own children in the hope someone else will suddenly take over? It's just not that simple.

I know I've been a martyr but you get so used to doing it , and it needs to be done. It's not like I can just choose not to do any of it, Yes, I could (and should) stop doing htings for his family, but they give my children presents and are good to them, i know he won't remember his nieces and nephews and it feels like punishing them rather than him.
I know I've been a fool and I know some of it is my own fault but I'm jjust so tired and sad and worn down and I jsyt want someone to care about me for a change.

The reason why some men don't understand some women, is that in this situation, if she backs off and does less of it, and he does it HIS way - will she saying he is doing it wrong?

I agree entirely with those saying she needs to step back, particularly with handling his family, and shift some of the burden onto him. But that comes with accepting he'll be utterly useless and things will get worse before they get better.

and its not like its always been this bad, he was mich better when they were smaller, when it was easier in many ways. also I didn't work for 12 years so it didn't seem unfair that his job was his job, so to speak.

I'm taking commnets on board but its just not as simplistic as made out

There are things you can stop doing today. He manages his family. don’t buy their presents, don’t invite them round. Don’t arrange visits. Tell him you are dropping that workload.

then ‘give’ him one child. He is in charge of all the paperwork, he is first contact for the school, he does uniforms and homework and after school activities.

Three sayings I remember resonating with me towards the end of my marriage:-
"Behave like a doormat and you'll get walked all over" , made me change my ways a bit after hearing that, "better to walk alone than be badly accompanied" which I have found to be very true, and finally, "it can be far lonelier in an unhappy marriage than it is to be single". Very, very true.

You can do this OP, you really can. Life can, and should, be so much better.

I hear you op. Stop doing anything that benefits him - especially stuff for his family. I no longer so anything that benefits my H as he was never grateful and thought it was all easy so I stopped doing it.

The theme of my week this week has been listening to women who have basically propped up a man all through their marriages and not only received no thanks for it, but actively been derided for it.

These men cannot function as adults. They left their mummies and got another one when they married.

Stop facilitating these inadequates.

Not ONE person has said stop doing stuff for the kids. Not one OP.

You stop doing the extended family stuff and stuff that only affects him.

You're making it hard for yourself.

It sounds like you are more practical than he is. Would you be ok if he did things differently? Lots of men have no interest in presents. Could you swap to vouchers for speed?

I hear you OP - most of what you are doing is for the children and wider family, not for him, so it is hard to see what you can drop. You don't want your children or children in his family to suffer at all.

Look at it this way - if you were a single parent, you would still have to do all this stuff. If you divorce you might still want to give presents to his side of the family rather than cut ties.

All I can suggest is that you be more aware of why you are doing each thing you are doing. Each day, several times a day, ask yourself 'why am I doing this thing?' If the answer is just for his benefit, not for you or the children, then stop. But you might find that there isn't much you do which is solely for him.

Take a look at what your expectations are of the older two DC - at college and a teen. They should be pulling their weight. You are doing them no favours if you are not training them to be fully responsible and independent.

But the hardest thing is to adjust your feelings about needing someone to care for you and take the responsibility off. Again with the comparison to single parents, there is no one.
But you are not a single parent, so you have the burden of resentment to deal with on top of all the work.

actually no, people said "just stop doing it" without specifying.

the extended family stuff and things that only affect him are such a small number of things, how does that really help? I'm talking about the fact that I do everything for his children. All of it.

It's easy to be sharp and unhelpful online and tell me I'm making it hard for myself, when you're not making much sense

And what happens when the child has no clean uniform to wear, and they miss the school trip because he didn't sign the permission slip, and they have no lunch because he didn't top up their credit. What's the OP to do then? Because then you're singling one out to get useless dad doing things (or not).

But will he be useless?

assuming this is a man of average intelligence who can hold down a job he can do this. He just chooses not to because someone else does it.

what if OP was in hospital or died or left. Would he never wash a school uniform or sign a permission slip or collect them from the swimming pool. Would the children be taken into care because they were neglected?

no - he would step up. An adult who doesn’t have intellectual limitations is perfectly able to do all these basic tasks. He just has never had to.

Call a family meeting. List out all the jobs and assign them to different people. There will be a lot of arguing. Make the kids do stuff too.

Obvious things to push back on him are things like buying presents for his family. I did this a while back with DH. Most often he forgets to organise anything, but his family are still speaking to him and they still send presents to our kids 😂

You will need to allow failure of the system so that people learn what to do. Preferably not medical appointments but less important stuff can be forgotten without anyone dying. They can do it - and they will have to when it is clear you aren't stepping in.

Coping with all this is extremely difficult and utterly exhausting when you have a full time job. You know he doesn't want to do any of this family stuff. You have had 25 years of it. When you took a full time job you must have known he wasn't going to step up? Like your husband, lots of men don't want to do much other than go to work. The difference is they earn enough money for their wives not to be working full time.

What I have just read😂😂. It okay if a man is a sexist lazy pig, as long as he earns enough that he can insist his wife doesn’t work??

Ofcourse its not ok but after 25 years he has shown a real dedication to doing as little as he can get away with, and get away with it he has. He knows she isn't going anywhere. He doesn't care because she has always done it but life gets harder as you get older. She is knackered and something has to give. If he can't step up in the house then he needs to earn more and let her go part time which would give her more time and energy.

I think it’s so hard from your update. He’s used to you carrying the mental load and doesn’t appreciate how heavy it is because he’s never had to deal with it.
but now you’re both working it has to be shared better.

so either you buy in help for house work/gardening/DIY tasks or you need to more fairly distribute some of it.

I think sometimes it’s the weight of all the keeping on top of things and knowing who needs what and when that is harder than all the actual tasks.

write down all the things you’re doing and tell him clearly that with working full time things have to change.
ask him which of the tasks he will take full responsibility for and then hand them over to him.

he cooks a couple of times a week so could he do the food shopping too. Or be responsable for more meals for example.
can you leave the gardening fully to him even if sometimes the garden is scruffy etc.

let thé family know that you are both responsable for your « own side » so X will be sorting presents going forwards-then if they don’t get one then it’s nothing to do with you!
i got sick of sorting out every present for a new baby for OHs friends after about three of them and then realised it’s total nonsense that it would be my role when they’re HIS friends so told him it was his job…I don’t think most of the next babies got a gift but I had enough of my own stuff to deal with! Same with cards/gifts for family grinds my gears-often late with them but his family don’t seem to mind.
my sister often forgets to send presents for my children and they’re not upset with her over it.

marriage can be tough but resentment and feeling like everyone’s skivvy really sucks.

counsellong might help…But the main thing is feeling heard and appreciated.

i went away for a course this year thinking my husband would be realising how much I do at home that is kind of unnoticed but his parents came and helped him for the whole week 🙄 so I’ve had to spell out what i feel would help our lives better.

next job is getting kids to also do a bit!

Do your children do chores around the home ?
If not get them to help too

Please please, if nothing else, get him to read your OP