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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need help on how to leave

36 replies

GettingOutToday · 20/09/2023 09:40

I’m a regular poster on MN but have NC for this post to stay anonymous. I need to leave my long term relationship and I have no idea how to do it. We have been together 11 years. I have known that it’s been emotionally abusive (possibly also financially abusive) for several years - which is fairly horrifying to admit (even written anonymously). I don’t know why I didn’t leave - I’ve read so much about this kind of abuse and I recognise it, I just haven’t had the strength to leave and kept thinking it would get better. Things are clearly not ever going to change and, if I’m honest with myself, have just been getting worse and worse. I’m like that frog that was boiled alive as it didn’t get out of the hot water as the temperature gradually increased...

We had a huge argument this morning over something so stupid - but it’s the culmination of a lot of things and has been building up. He spoke awfully to me (yet again) and I finally said that the relationship clearly isn’t working and he told me to ‘fuck off then’. I plan to but I need advice. I also just need a hand hold to get me through this and to stop me wavering.

I moved to the other side of the world to be with him over a decade ago, so have no family here. I don’t have a lot of friends (he is controlling and this makes it difficult to have actual friendships of my own). Most of the friends I do have are all also his friends or the partners of his friends. They have no idea what he is actually like or what the reality of our relationship is. I’m not even sure anyone would believe it as he is such a different person - his body language, voice, everything… he’s really charming to others and it’s scary how instant the change can be. Of course, he’s not always like that with me… but it’s always been there to a degree and has gotten progressively worse.

I am currently in a terrible financial situation with £1k overdrawn on my account, and £9k owing on a zero balance credit card that I’m trying to pay off. I’m self employed and MH issues (caused largely by the relationship) have been making work difficult. This is compounded by the fact that he doesn’t like me to work when he is at home, even if I have deadlines. I know that if I leave I can repair my financial situation (it would probably take about a year) but I don’t know what to do until then.

I don’t know where to go and I don’t have the money to get my own place or even an Airbnb or a share house while I work things out. I don’t know what to do with all my stuff (which I need to take with me as I will otherwise be starting over entirely). I also have a dog, which makes things even more difficult. Leaving my dog there is not an option. What do I do?

I’m absolutely devastated to be here and am so angry at myself that I didn’t leave years ago. I feel like I’ve ruined my life and have no one to blame but myself. I’m 38 and imagined I would be married with a family by this point in my life. And instead I’m here.

Thank you if you have read all of this. Sorry if it takes time to reply, I’m in work meeting this morning.

OP posts:
Lougle · 20/09/2023 09:42

I'm sorry you're in this situation and I think you've made the first step by deciding that you need to leave.

Could you contact women's aid for advice?

Original poster
GettingOutToday · 20/09/2023 09:47

@Lougle thank you for replying. i don’t know anything about Women’s Aid or what they do - I’ve never thought that it would be relevant to my situation (which is so, so naive in hindsight). My partner is very wealthy (I am definitely not!!) and because of his savings / assets I’ve never been eligible for any kind of financial help (even though he won’t help me out). I will look into it though. I just worry that any organisation set up to help in these situations wouldn’t be able to help with my dog..

OP posts:
Original poster
GettingOutToday · 20/09/2023 09:52

I’ve just tried to contact Women’s Aid but the chat is busy… I just don’t know where to go, and I can’t stay. I worry that if I don’t just leave then I will end up staying. And every time I stay my confidence just gets lower and it gets harder to leave.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2023 10:09

Keep trying with Womens Aid. They also have a live chat facility on their webpages. Staying with your abuser is not an option for you at all going forward and it looks like he is financially/economically abusing you too.

I would also reach out to the Rights of Women organisation as they could also be of some assistance.

Original poster
GettingOutToday · 20/09/2023 10:18

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you. I just feel crushed by the idea of leaving her anywhere and desperately want to have her with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
GettingOutToday · 20/09/2023 10:19

@AttilaTheMeerkat I've been trying the Women's Aid chat service but it's saying it's busy (ie. it doesn't open and the button turns blue and there's a note saying 'we're very busy' – although it could maybe be because I'm trying to access from a phone?)

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2023 10:26

It would be kinder to place your dog within the Dogs Trust scheme and doing that would also enable you to get away from your abuser until you are safe.

re Womens Aid look at their chat to us on the right hand side of the page. Alternatively go to the local library and use their computers.

Eteiene · 20/09/2023 10:39

Oh OP I'm so sorry you are going through this. Assuming you are in the UK? Keep trying the women's aid chat they can get very busy but there will be someone you can talk to. Are there any friends of anyone nearby you could stay with for a couple of days while you think next steps through? ...
I know it's so hard with pets ( I have 2 dogs and am about to leave ). I've been lucky to be in a position to find something workable but I've stayed more than a year probably more than I should have feeling trapped, not wanting to leave the dogs with him but also not having anywhere I could take them with me. Dogs trust projects are set up for exactly this scenario .... perhaps give them a ring to chat through as you wait for women's aid.
This IS survivable and you can do this ( and there is help to)
Eteiene x

Mmhmmn · 20/09/2023 11:05

Would it be an option at all to seek support from your employer / is there anyone at work you have a closer relationship with?
Sorry, re-read and saw you're self employed

Original poster
GettingOutToday · 20/09/2023 11:08

@Eteiene thank you for your reply and sharing your experience. I’m sorry you are also going through this.

It’s just so overwhelming - and he is already messaging me and acting as if nothing happened this morning, which is just making me question everything (even though I know this is just part of the pattern of behaviour..)

I am in the UK but I just don’t have anyone I can stay with. I have no money and am scared of adding to my existing debt. I just don’t know what to do. I never thought this would be me. I wish I had my family nearby. It would make things so much easier (and I think I likely would have left some time ago). I feel trapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
GettingOutToday · 20/09/2023 11:09

@Mmhmmn I’m self employed so that not an option.. i don’t have an employer or colleagues..

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 20/09/2023 11:11

Could you reach out to your family? Could any of them come to UK to help you get away?

Original poster
GettingOutToday · 20/09/2023 11:14

@Mmhmmn i could reach out to them - but they are in Australia. My sister has a baby and my parents are elderly. It’s incredibly expensive and a 24+ hour flight.. so they won’t be able to come here. I could ask them for financial help I guess but I just feel so embarrassed by the situation I’m in. 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
GettingOutToday · 20/09/2023 11:18

@Mmhmmn i also can’t just go back to Australia as I have my dog - it sounds stupid but she’s my whole world. It would destroy me to leave her behind.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 20/09/2023 11:21

I'm 100% sure they'd rather know what has been happening to you and to have the opportunity to help you get out.

Do you have an idea of where you want to go if you had funds to get away?

Original poster
GettingOutToday · 20/09/2023 11:25

@Mmhmmn i don’t know.. I couldn’t afford to live in London I don’t think. I guess I would go to somewhere outside of London, and look for a rental that was dog friendly - although I have no idea how I would get one. I have no references as I’ve lived with my partner for 11 years, am self employed and in debt, and have a pet.. it’s not exactly going to be top of the list for landlords. I have no idea where to start, no idea how I will secure a rental on my own (even with some financial support from family), and don’t even know what to do with my things

OP posts:
howmanytimes34 · 20/09/2023 11:30

@GettingOutToday

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

Others on this thread are giving great practical advice

I suggest telling your family, as even though they can't be with you in person, having moral support from people who love you can really help to give you strength

Mmhmmn · 20/09/2023 11:31

Him and his abuse thrive on your being isolated from everyone that loves you. The people who love you, your family, want much much better for you than the crap he's been subjecting you to (and what you know yourself is unacceptable). That's why they need to know, so you're no longer isolated.

Maddy70 · 20/09/2023 11:35

I am assuming you don't have children... no idea which country you are in but you need to plan carefully.

Can your parents give you the money for a flight. Just pack and go

The dog is a huge complication. Depending on the country you're in you would need to get its passport documents /vaccinations sorted and that takes time and money. Which realistically may be an feasible

Mmhmmn · 20/09/2023 11:37

You mentioned that most of your friends are also his friends. Are there any who are just yours?

Original poster
GettingOutToday · 20/09/2023 11:41

@Maddy70 i couldn’t get my dog to Australia - it takes months of planning, quarantines, vaccines etc.. it’s just not an option 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
GettingOutToday · 20/09/2023 11:45

@Mmhmmn none that I am still in touch with - my good friends here are the partners of his best friends. There is one ex-work colleague I used to be close to but I have only seen her once since 2019, and she now has a newborn and a toddler.. I did have my own friends but a lot moved back to Australia during the pandemic and I have effectively been cut off from others
as partner never liked me going out without him / with my own friends and so I just never saw them.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 20/09/2023 11:45

Someone on another thread suggested the OP contact Refuge. If you're having trouble getting through to Women's Aid it might be worth trying them.

Original poster
GettingOutToday · 20/09/2023 11:48

@Mmhmmn thank you for all your replies and advice. It is really appreciated. I will look at speaking to them.

OP posts:
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