Need help on how to leave

[GettingOutToday]

I’m a regular poster on MN but have NC for this post to stay anonymous. I need to leave my long term relationship and I have no idea how to do it. We have been together 11 years. I have known that it’s been emotionally abusive (possibly also financially abusive) for several years - which is fairly horrifying to admit (even written anonymously). I don’t know why I didn’t leave - I’ve read so much about this kind of abuse and I recognise it, I just haven’t had the strength to leave and kept thinking it would get better. Things are clearly not ever going to change and, if I’m honest with myself, have just been getting worse and worse. I’m like that frog that was boiled alive as it didn’t get out of the hot water as the temperature gradually increased...

We had a huge argument this morning over something so stupid - but it’s the culmination of a lot of things and has been building up. He spoke awfully to me (yet again) and I finally said that the relationship clearly isn’t working and he told me to ‘fuck off then’. I plan to but I need advice. I also just need a hand hold to get me through this and to stop me wavering.

I moved to the other side of the world to be with him over a decade ago, so have no family here. I don’t have a lot of friends (he is controlling and this makes it difficult to have actual friendships of my own). Most of the friends I do have are all also his friends or the partners of his friends. They have no idea what he is actually like or what the reality of our relationship is. I’m not even sure anyone would believe it as he is such a different person - his body language, voice, everything… he’s really charming to others and it’s scary how instant the change can be. Of course, he’s not always like that with me… but it’s always been there to a degree and has gotten progressively worse.

I am currently in a terrible financial situation with £1k overdrawn on my account, and £9k owing on a zero balance credit card that I’m trying to pay off. I’m self employed and MH issues (caused largely by the relationship) have been making work difficult. This is compounded by the fact that he doesn’t like me to work when he is at home, even if I have deadlines. I know that if I leave I can repair my financial situation (it would probably take about a year) but I don’t know what to do until then.

I don’t know where to go and I don’t have the money to get my own place or even an Airbnb or a share house while I work things out. I don’t know what to do with all my stuff (which I need to take with me as I will otherwise be starting over entirely). I also have a dog, which makes things even more difficult. Leaving my dog there is not an option. What do I do?

I’m absolutely devastated to be here and am so angry at myself that I didn’t leave years ago. I feel like I’ve ruined my life and have no one to blame but myself. I’m 38 and imagined I would be married with a family by this point in my life. And instead I’m here.

Thank you if you have read all of this. Sorry if it takes time to reply, I’m in work meeting this morning.

Hope they're helpful.

Just to say also about this - "There is one ex-work colleague I used to be close to but I have only seen her once since 2019, and she now has a newborn and a toddler..

I'm sure I'm not unique in thinking that if I was contacted by an old friend in similar circumstances - whether seeking help or just re-establishing contact - I'd be glad they had, kids or no kids...

Good plan to speak with refuge / women's aid as you are able.
And absolutely echo try and speak with family ... ok so it's not as simple as upping you and the dog on a plane over , but the emotional ( and perhaps financial) support of just them knowing will hopefully take a weight off you.
Abuse like this thrives in secrecy and I absolutely hear how confusing it is to then get "nice" messages as if nothing has happened ...it's crazy making ...

How are you doing OP?

Hello,

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I was in an incredibly similar situation about 15 years ago. I was heavily pregnant living in France with two dogs and realised I had to leave and get out of a terrible situation before my daughter was born. The dogs were the biggest hurdle as I was incredibly attached to them and had come to depend on them for the emotional connection/comfort and love that was lacking in my relationship.

I had to make the incredibly hard decision to re home them to save myself. It absolutely breaks my heart still to think about it and I rarely do because I find it so upsetting. Despite this I don’t regret the decision and I try and hold onto the fact that I did the best I could for them in an impossible situation. I know this may not be what you want to hear but my advice would be to put your energy into finding the best possible foster home/ new home you can for your lovely dog and then being able to get out and rebuild the life that you deserve away from your abuser. I know this will feel crushing at first but you need to give yourself every chance you can to succeed away from this horrible situation. As others have said I know you may feel disconnected but I would try and reach out to family in Australia, you never know what might come of it or how they may be able to help from afar. I understand the embarrassment aspect, if you are deeply unhappy holding on to the image others might have of you feels even harder to let go of, they might know more than you think, and I strongly doubt if they know the truth would rather have been kept in the dark.

If you can’t bear to contemplate the above you are going to need help, given the practicalities of your situation,I would try and think outside the box. Is there a local dog walking community that you are involved in or can get involved in where you may be able to find some support? An informal fostering arrangement while you find a new base my be the best way to do this. But please don’t stay in an abusive relationship for your dog no matter how much you love her, just take your time to find a solution that protects her and ensures she is well looked after.

Start saving by taking money from him. Get cashback when you go shopping etc.

How are you getting on OP? Hope you’re OK

In regard to your debt, it's unsecured, it's mostly credit-card debt, if it comes to it, it can be written off or you can go into some sort of debt management scheme. Yes, that would fuck up your credit rating for 6 years, but you can rebuild a credit rating. It is not worth being trapped for. It might even be worth going into further debt temporarily to get yourself out. If your family in Oz can't help practically, perhaps they could help a bit financially?

There are several fostering schemes for the pets of people escaping domestic abuse - of course it would be hard letting go of your dog, but it would only be until you found somewhere.

I had similar thought - a bit of extra debt that you can clear later through working and saving is better than being trapped with someone like that.

im sorry you are in such a difficult position. You must feel like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Can your parents lend you some money? Could you use as a deposit for a rental in a much cheaper area. Does it matter where you live for your work? Lots of rentals do take pets. Can you show earnings enough to cover rent?

It’s not your fault you are in this situation you have been abused. But you are taking steps to be free. The difficulty of it all must be so overwhelming.

Do reach out to that friend with the small children. She will want to hear from you when you need support.

Op please come home to Australia. Please don't give up your life and possibilities for your dog. I know you love them but it's better for both of you to be somewhere safe.

If you have to increase your debt to come home then do it. You can work and pay it off. At least you'll be free.

Just jumping in to say that I have a toddler and a tiny house without space for guests - but if my friend, even one I hadn’t spoken to in 10 years, told me they were in trouble and needed to escape - I’d take them in without a second thought, dog and all. Don’t assume you aren’t worthy of love and protection because he’s made you think that. You are. Reach out to your friend. Please. It would break my heart to think any of my friends wouldn’t feel safe enough to ask me for help when they needed it most.