DM drunken rants - what would you do

[Sludgey]

So not to drip feed, DM (70) has always been a heavy drinker and a bad drunk. Not a daily drinker but the kind that maybe around once a week would always get incredibly drunk - think not making sense, stumbling, refusing to get out of taxis and very often angry.

She’s a complex person - kind in so many ways, hard working but difficult and I suppose after a difficult marriage, has always felt hard done by (in many ways she was)
She’s the kind dichotomy whereby she will cook wholesome meals for her families health but heavily smoke around her frequently hospitalised asthmatic children.

She raised us alone, had a home secure but had to work hard for anything beyond the basics.

I think we (I probably more than brothers) are reasonably good to her. Lots of mini breaks, brought on holiday lots of times etc.

However her behaviour with alcohol has become intolerable. Every family meal is ruined with her complaining that we keep interrupting her ( we don’t it’s just a normal conversation flow) and she gets incredibly drunk and starts acting aggressively.

It was the same this summer on holiday (which I paid for) when I suggested that after 2 days of her heavy drinking she might go to bed rather than sit up drinking heavily and listening to music again.

I know she feels lonely and the sad thing is that we are all spending less time with her as she gets more difficult - she sees nothing as her fault. Her own siblings and her friends are also keeping their distance.
The end result is even more loneliness.

Has anyone dealt with this and do you have any suggestions ?

I'd tell her when she is sober that you love her but her alcoholism is destroying your relationship to the extent that you won't see her unless she addresses it and joins AA.

Don't go out with her if she's drinking. If she starts drinking then leave. If she rings drunk hang up.

Don't go on another holiday with her unless she's been seeing AA daily and has been sober for a year.

Can you film her and play it back when she’s sober?

You can only help your own self ultimately and paying for holidays and such like only further enables her. You need to stop taking her on holiday; her bad behaviour towards you all should not be at all rewarded. The 3cs re alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

I would suggest you contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another person's drinking. You cannot make her address her alcoholism if she does not want to address it. Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean and she is likely to always be on a comedown from alcohol.

There are no guarantees either when it comes to alcoholism; she could go on to lose everything and everyone around her and she could still choose to drink afterwards.

Filming her is an action that is not at all advised because that will make her even more angry. Like many alcoholics as well your mother is in denial and denial is a powerful force. And as I have mentioned before, you can only help your own self ultimately.

She sounds a very unhappy woman, and her heavy drinking is a way of self-medication. Whether she realises it or not, she is alcohol dependant and will lose everything dear to her, if she carries on the way she is.

I would see her for events where alcohol isn't included - a walk in the country, a trip to the beach perhaps, no pub lunches, no evening meals out. Don't serve alcohol when she visits you and don't have any on show.

That's not a good idea. She behaves this way because she feels bad. Making her feel foolish and embarrassed isn't going to help.

OP, just tell her that you won't see her if she's drinking. Let her make the choice between you and alcohol.

Thanks for the replies. She simply won’t stop drinking - much like smoking, it’s a non negotiable regardless of the impact on others. She doesn’t respond well to criticism, feels it’s just people being unkind to her. The thing is I think she really believes this - she’s the victim.

I just can’t go no contact but I think the advice on limiting opportunities for alcohol is the best I can do.

You can't change her behaviour, you can't control it, you can only control what you do. You don't answer the phone after 6pm. You stop having family get togethers in a pub or restaurant, you have them at lunchtime in someone's house and you don't serve alcohol. If not serving alcohol is not an option, you meet at a stately home or Ikea or somewhere that only has a cafe and no alcohol license. You could tell her why but it would make zero difference.

Low contact - the necessary only - certainly no holidays.

Do you have dc that witness this?

Do your siblings feel the same way about it? Could you band together to say something along the lines of: we love you, your drinking is a problem, when you're drunk you're hard to be around, it's making us want to spend less time with you and we worry about your health, we're here for you but can't watch this happen and say nothing.

Have ready information to give her about support services, AA etc. It sounds like she might also have depression, if she's binge drinking rather than drinking every day.

If she's drinking and smoking that heavily at 70 then you need to consider what might happen in the long term. She's going to be at increased risk of all kinds of diseases, falls, etc. Basically if in 5 years time she's had some awful life-changing health event, what would you wish you had done right now?

Yes they do. The 7 year old said ‘granny you are acting drunk’ The 15, 13 year olds just keep their distance. She wanted the 15 year old to spend a weekend with her abroad but I had to put my foot down.

The thing is she is actually a lovely granny when she is with them

If she rings drunk hang up

Hi OP, drunken rants like you describe were a feature of my adolescence -in fact I was wincing as I read it at how familiar that sounded. DM emigrated to the other side of the world so I didn't have to deal with it as I got older in the same way you're having to deal with it, but she'd ring me up and be so drunk she could hardly speak and I'd tell her I couldn't talk to her when she was in that state and yes, I'd hang up. The worst one was when she rang work when I wasn't there and spoke to a colleague who said to me quietly 'She sounded drunk' and I had to say 'yes, she probably was.'

She didn't want to address it because it was her way of coping with whatever she was coping with. Even when she was dying and knew she was dying she was asking for a drink.

Sorry, I have no answers for you, but you do have my deepest sympathy in what's a horrible situation.

I know she feels lonely and the sad thing is that we are all spending less time with her as she gets more difficult - she sees nothing as her fault. Her own siblings and her friends are also keeping their distance.
The end result is even more loneliness.

This also resonated with me as it was DM's situation. She was a really mean drunk and I suspect people just didn't want to be around her. Then she drank more because she was lonely.

She needs to know it isn't acceptable to behave like that around your children. It's appalling. I'm sorry OP but your boundaries are off because of your upbringing.

It is not ok for your dc to be impacted by this.

The 7 year old said ‘granny you are acting drunk

v

she is actually a lovely granny when she is with them

Umm..?

Your dc will carry bad associations into adult life around alcohol op. I absolutely hate dc being around anyone who appears a bit drunk... You have some control here so use it.

If you won't cut contact restrict it to phone calls to her if she is sober. If she's drunk tell her you will ring tomorrow morning when she's sober.

Don't enable her drunkenness. Don't take her where alcohol is available. If she has it with her take her home again.

You must protect your children from this. Show them that her behaviour is not normal and not to be tolerated.

You don't want them to follow her footsteps do you.

It’s just so hard isn’t it. She won’t stop, she’s making the loneliness worse. Then more drinking 😞

I meant when sober, which is 95% of the time.

Unless she wants to stop drinking nothing you can do. I say this as an Alcoholic in recovery. Some really good advise here. Don't engage with her when she is drunk. Put phone down, don't meet in places she can get Alcohol. Contact Al Anon. Meet for coffee etc but if she turns up drunk leave immediately. Protect yourself and your children. Don't let her drag you down.

Do you really want your kids around someone who is great 95% of the time? Don't you want to teach them to only be around people who are reliably great?

You are not responsible for your mother and her drinking. Why can't you go no contact or is that really a case of I do not want to go no contact because she will seemingly have no-one left then?.

And I would also think this 95% figure is one borne out of fear and desperation as well; its not the truth is it?. Do you really think she is sober 95% of the time?. What is the longest period of time, to your direct knowledge, she has gone without alcohol?.

Denial is a powerful force and your kids have the measure of her. Your mother is self medicating her problems with alcohol and its likely she is always on a comedown from alcohol so never really sober at all.

Shes a binge drinker so yes I do think she is sober most of the week. It’s realistically probably 1 night a week The issue is that when she does drink she very often becomes drunk and then abusive and she seems to find it hard to control drinking around family events and for some reason she tends to never be happy with these events . I usually manage it by having events such as Christmas etc in my house. That way I can better control things and call a taxi when I see things might escalate.

No contact isn’t an option. Apart from these outbursts she was a decent mother, who did it alone. I don’t believe in cutting people out without good reason - Ive done it before with other people but it wouldn’t me my first port of call (abuse is a different case ) I will definitely take the advice on board regarding holidays - I’ve decided she will never come on a family holiday with us again. Also we will just simply never have her host again. The sad thing is she would have went to huge effort with the meal but it’s all ruined, nobody cares if the flavours were incredible when the host is drunk.

I was occasionnly around drunk people when I was a kid (not nasty ones) and I was terrified

Why are you exposing your children to her?

And she can't be a 'lovely granny' if she is drunk/puts drink first

Their holidays must not have been pleasant for them