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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to think.

37 replies

picklepottage · 20/09/2023 00:09

I feel sick, but the bring in limbo is far worse.

So been dating someone for just over a couple of months. We've been seeing each other once a week and every other weekend for an evening. We text everyday, throughout the day. Last two weeks he's been really busy with work, very stressed, but I also feel he's lost interest a bit. He messages and checks in but it's not the same.

I said to him at the beginning - if he loses interest to tell me and not go distant.

We didn't meet last week as he was back late from work and I was then busy. This week he's busy with work and massively stressed (this is true and he's looking for another job) but he also hasn't asked to see me this week or weekend.

He messaged to
say he was home and going straight to bed and asking how I am.

I responded with what I've been going and a "I miss you"

He responded to my message but didn't acknowledge the "I miss you" - I haven't seen him for two weeks !

I responded with a - I know you have a lot going on so I'll keep it short. You're not interested so happy to call it day. I'm a big girl , just be honest.

His response - let me get this week out of the way. I can even think at the moment.

I think I have my answer don't I?

OP posts:
DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 20/09/2023 00:12

2 months and you’re questioning why he didn’t ‘miss you’. Too heavy, too soon. Lighten up and see what happens. He’s not going to break your heart in 2 months even if he’s lost interest

Itslookinglikeabeautifulday · 20/09/2023 00:15

I think he's heavily stressed - just as he says. I feel like that sometimes about my job and that's the sort of thing I feel/think/would write.

Pinkbonbon · 20/09/2023 00:17

Tbf 2 months is relatively early days, especially if you've only seen him for the first 6 weeks of that. I mean, have you even had the relationship talk yet?

It sounds like you dated and he's not as into it as you. It's sad but it happens. In future maybe don't text all day every day. No need to be doing that with a partner, let alone someone you've oy been dating a few weeks.

Don't let people tie you too your phone. It's a recipe recipe too much too soon and then, backtracking.

Original poster
picklepottage · 20/09/2023 00:21

yeah I suppose it isn't long. It was really intense at the beginning and we would say we'd missed each other when we hadn't seen each other for a week or so.

He's definitely changed, but I do think I'm a bit intense on too

OP posts:
FromAMalePerspective · 20/09/2023 00:24

Its probably just a very busy time for him at work. He has said he is home, and going to bed, but he still asks how you are so is wanting to interact. That is good, yes?
I wouldn't worry - he would probably say the same with "We didn't meet last week as he was back late from work and I was then busy."

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/09/2023 00:40

I would just back off. He's massively stressed with work and obviously doesn't have time to meet up. I was just send a note saying let me know when you are free for a drink and then I wouldn't contact him again.

Pinkbonbon · 20/09/2023 00:54

Yeah 'intense' in the beginning is never good. Often the domain of love bombers.

Tinkukumar1986 · 20/09/2023 00:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

leighqt · 20/09/2023 00:59

Sounds like he’s backed off sorry

GreyCarpet · 20/09/2023 07:06

When I'm going through a really busy, stressful time at work, I don't have the capacity for much else either physically, mentally or emotionally.

I'd have waited until this really stressful week was out of the way and then talk to him.

It may be that this type of stress is something he experiences once or twice a year in his job, in which case, you need to decide whether you can deal with it. It might be that it happens frequently, in which case you also need to decide whether you can deal with it.

If someone messaged me the way you did him, it wouldn't increase my capacity for being able to deal with it there and then.

You will get people who tell you it doesn't matter how busy someone is, he should make time, but we can't make time we can only find it. In my busiest periods, I work 17 hour days and don't have time to eat properly. I get in from work and work go to bed knowing im facing the same again tomorrow. If I can't find the time to eat, I certainly couldn't find the time to reassure someone I've been dating for a few weeks.

Janieforever · 20/09/2023 07:12

I think you need to try to calm down. If he’s not lost interest he will very shortly with this level of neediness, the asking him if he’s not interested is in fact seeking reassurance and trying to call him to heel.

try to get on with your life. You’ve known him a few weeks. It wasn’t intense at the beginning as this is the beginning still. No one wants to be with someone who appears a bit desperate and clingy. Having your own life, getting to know him, having fun, is what’s attractive. So try to focus on other things right now .

arethereanyleftatall · 20/09/2023 07:26

Oh op, I'm not sure he had, but I'm afraid he might be after your message! Too much, too soon, he said he was busy, it is perfectly possible that he is. Just leave it up to him now. I don't think there was any need for your message.

HappiestSleeping · 20/09/2023 07:39

Janieforever · 20/09/2023 07:12

I think you need to try to calm down. If he’s not lost interest he will very shortly with this level of neediness, the asking him if he’s not interested is in fact seeking reassurance and trying to call him to heel.

try to get on with your life. You’ve known him a few weeks. It wasn’t intense at the beginning as this is the beginning still. No one wants to be with someone who appears a bit desperate and clingy. Having your own life, getting to know him, having fun, is what’s attractive. So try to focus on other things right now .

This 👆

The best way to male someone want to spend time with you is to make it as enjoyable as possible. Adding pressure will not achieve this I'm afraid. Give it time and it will either work or not. It's early days.

Epidote · 20/09/2023 07:39

I think you are very invested and he is just busy, by the look of your post.

If you don't like it that way that is fine, you can let him go. But I don't understand why you get the plaster before you have made a scratch on your knee.

Original poster
picklepottage · 20/09/2023 08:19

Thanks for your messages.

Although it's only been a about 10 weeks it has been intense.

I responded saying sure, let me know when you have time to talk

He's responded with ... please don’t be like that I got in really late I’m rushing out the house, this shit happens every now and again I can’t do anything about it x

I responded with - totally understand you're busy and wouldn't want to put more pressure on you, I just thought perhaps it was because you've lost interest. I genuinely don't know.

So, I think it sounds like he is still interested- although I've probably blown it now!

I've been feeling insecure like this for a couple of weeks and have been chilled and supportive , but I couldn't help myself last night I was upset.

I think it's a reaction to some crappy past relationships and I always expect the worst. Might have sabotaged it now though

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/09/2023 08:23

If you don't know what to think after 2 weeks, then he's not for you. You don't need to 'fathom out' a compatible partner. They will have the same idea as you about how they want the relationship to be, and therefore will maintain it in a way that makes sense to you.

Watchkeys · 20/09/2023 08:24

*after 2 months, sorry. It still stands.

Watchkeys · 20/09/2023 08:26

Yeah, if you're saying 'Let me know when you have time to talk' and he's saying 'Don't be like that', this isn't going to work. You're misunderstanding him, and he you. It's heart and flowers, this bit, in a healthy relationship.

MagpiePi · 20/09/2023 08:32

I think that if you keep saying 'tell me if you're not interested' could be coming across as a bit needy and I would find it off putting.

Bookworm20 · 20/09/2023 10:37

He may be stressed. But you say you've been feeling a bit insecure last couple of weeks because it has felt like he has been backing off.
Maybe he has and maybe he hasn't.
But the fact its gone from intense to him being a bit distant 'because he is stressed' would suggest he is losing interest.
He has done nothing in that conversation to reassure you. I mean how hard would it be to just say, I've missed you too, works been so stressful. need to get this week out the way?

Instead he has just said he's stressed and therefore has zero time or patience and you just need to accept it. 'don't be like that'. Like what? Simply asking if everything is ok, you feel like hes being distant? And his response is to basically tell you he is stressed, and you have to put up with him being preoccupied and not question it as poor him has so much on.
In essence he doesn't care you are feeling that way. He just finds it annoying.

Watchkeys · 20/09/2023 11:39

MagpiePi · 20/09/2023 08:32

I think that if you keep saying 'tell me if you're not interested' could be coming across as a bit needy and I would find it off putting.

If having your needs comes across to your partner as 'needy', your problem isn't your needs, it's your partner.

GreyCarpet · 20/09/2023 18:14

Watchkeys · 20/09/2023 11:39

If having your needs comes across to your partner as 'needy', your problem isn't your needs, it's your partner.

Show quote history

I agree. However, he'd already told her his situation and expressed his needs and she hasn't take those into account.

He might well find that equally off putting.

Aprilx · 20/09/2023 19:47

I think the repeated "tell me if you are not interested" lines are a bit cringey. But otherwise, well he doesn't sound very interested, if he was, I believe he would try and reassure you for fear of putting you off. I'd back off now and see what happens.

blackbeardsballsack · 20/09/2023 19:57

I know it sounds as if OP has been over the top, but...they ALWAYS say that they have been 'really busy with work' in the dating stages when actually they have lost interest but are too cowardly to say that.

Original poster
picklepottage · 20/09/2023 21:06

Well I've put it to the back of my mind today and kept myself busy and he's just sent this message. He's not reassuring me. I never said I thought he was making excuses, but he also not reassuring me - I think it's over

hey sorry it's been full on today again I know you think I'm making excuses will call you tomorrow

OP posts:
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