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Original poster

Partner won't think about the future. Is it weird or am I in the wrong here?

29 replies

raven9191 · 19/09/2023 16:18

Me (F30) and partner (M35) been together for a few years now, got a house together and have been speaking about having children soon. We live in the UK. Have to say we're in a very good place.

However today I brought up a topic that has caused a stir in the past, and that is immigrating to Australia, somewhere we love, we both travelled there together on a work visa holiday visa and it's certainly somewhere I would love to start a family.

We have even done the languages tests to get the ball rolling but since then the topics gone cold because he gets cold feet (totally understandable, it's a very big life choice but he's never said no or put a stop to the idea, and has at times brought it up himself) It had been a while since we spoke properly about it so today I brought it up and asked if he'd given more thought into Australia, and his response really concerned me.

He can't think ahead. He can only think in the now and is solely focussed on work as that's why he is doing at this moment. His exact response was "I'm only thinking about now. All while I have work on I can't think that far ahead"

Ok, so how are we meant to plan for the future if he can't think ahead? We want to start a family, and Australia is a big deal especially if kids come into the equation. All these things need to be thought about and discussed as a couple and visa applications take time.

I think very far ahead and like to plan out things. Not to mentioned we're on a time limit if we want to immigrate due to our ages. Aware some people don't think as far ahead as I do but to not think about what's happening even next month? or next year?

Is that weird or am being an a-hole here?

Anyone have an immigration related stories or been in a similar situation about making life decisions? Appreciate any input.

OP posts:
IcedBananas · 19/09/2023 16:22

Have you tried talking to him about other things in the future? Like having kids? Maybe longer term goals around work and what you’d like to do? A big holiday planned in a few years? Marriage or civil partnership? How is he with these kinds of topics?

Original poster
raven9191 · 19/09/2023 16:37

Yep holidays are not an issue at all, we've got a big 10 day one abroad planned for January.
He was the one that brought up kids before I did, very early in the relationship as well.
We're not married but been together 8 years, we've said we'll elope somewhere at some point.

So there's a lot of chat but nothing in concrete and soon as I get a bit real, especially with kids or moving abroad it's like he doesn't know what to do or say because he "can't plan that far".

In fact, as I write this reply it has dawned on me that I make all the plans for everything we do...it's always been a joke that I plan and he turns up but now he really needs to make an input it's become a stale mate and I don't know what to do as these are big decisions I can't do on my own.

OP posts:
tescocreditcard · 19/09/2023 16:40

I'm 58 so very old and I've learnt that when people stonewall about something they usually just don't want to do it.

Do you think it's possible he's changed his mind about emigrating to Australia?

Miniminiminimalist · 19/09/2023 16:42

Could it be that he doesn't really mean what he's saying but he just doesn't want any confrontation if he says he doesn't want to immigrate but you still do? Sounds a bit like a deflection maybe

Miniminiminimalist · 19/09/2023 16:43

X posted with tesco!

PaminaMozart · 19/09/2023 16:46

Another one who feels he doesn’t want what you want…

Original poster
raven9191 · 19/09/2023 16:48

If he has I just wish he'd be up front about it so we can put it bed and move on, but he still seems keen on the idea. He's brought it up a few times himself in a positive light and I get excited, only for him to then say unhelpful things like he did today...

OP posts:
Whataretalkingabout · 19/09/2023 16:54

Some people are leaders and others are followers. Maybe he just needs some encouragement? Try bringing the subject up nonchalantly on a weekend walk. Some men I know plan better when they aren't sitting still.
Good luck OP.

gannett · 19/09/2023 17:07

Some thoughts, from someone who definitely isn't a long-term planner.

I'm capable of planning things, but not with someone who's very keen on planning them breathing down my neck. Often you feel you're running to catch up with what they've thought out and I can't be as meticulous in my planning as I'd like to be. This is especially the case when I have stress going on in other parts of my life - if I was snowed under at work I would definitely want to put emigration plans on hold.

However it seems like in this case his reluctance is because, as you yourself have realised, he's getting cold feet. You have a lovely life in the UK, you can afford long overseas holidays, you're planning a family... I'd guess he's wondering why upheave all that to move to the other side of the world? Yes, it was probably a great idea when you started talking about it and getting the ball rolling, but I imagine he's now realising how happy he is with what you already have, but doesn't quite know what to say in the face of your enthusiasm. Possibly he hasn't definitively realised he doesn't want to go himself, hence what appears to be wavering.

Deargodletitgo · 19/09/2023 17:17

Does he have a lot of at work at the moment that is taking all his attention and emotional energy? Hard to plan when you are simply trying to survive

Original poster
raven9191 · 19/09/2023 17:26

@gannett Nailed it on the head I think there. Thanks for your reply.
@Deargodletitgo No more than he usual, if anything less so now he's working local. Less time commuting, more time at home - which is how we ended up having this chat earlier as we were able to have a lunch break together in town.

Yeah I'm not going to bring it up again anytime soon and have basically called off any big decisions being made this side of xmas. We had a good chat earlier and have agreed to make time after our holiday in Jan to sit down and have a proper think and talk about everything.

Totally understand we are in a very privileged situation compared to most so why would we up sticks and leave? Personally for me, I know I would regret hitting 40s/50s, being past the age to get the visa and not knowing "what if". I'm very much in the "we've got nothing to lose, let's give it a go and can always come back if either of us wants to"

Having kids, which now I've hit 30 is getting more real and is also a big factor in the decision to move. Australia has so much more to offer for kids in terms of quality of life over there.

Appreciate all the replies! I'll see what happens, there are worse problems to have I know.

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 19/09/2023 17:30

Women have one thing which men do not have which is a ticking biological clock The good ones realise, recognise and respect this.

Unfortunately you have one of the other sort.

He doesn't want - and I mean want - what you want. Marriage, emigrating, children etc. The big things. The changes.

So you have a choice.

Stay and accept.

Or move on and hope to encounter someone who does.

You're still in your fertile time but unlike him yours won't last indefinitely.

So which do you want? Him - or the dream?

Mmhmmn · 19/09/2023 19:23

what @tescocreditcard said.

when people stonewall about something they usually just don't want to do it
Do you think it's possible he's changed his mind about emigrating to Australia?

Dotcheck · 19/09/2023 19:28

Has emigrating always been on the table? It sounds like this is something you’ve decided ?
Has he always known you are serious about this? Sometimes people fantasise about emigrating, but the reality is much different.

Catsafterme · 19/09/2023 19:29

Does he do the same when you discuss having children or is he keen on that? Sure he's not been future faking?

Dacadactyl · 19/09/2023 19:31

I'd bin him off. A dithering man aged 35 wouldn't be for me. 8 years and dragging hsi feet?! Doesn't sound like he's for you either!

Sunsea21 · 19/09/2023 19:34

It doesn’t sound like he actually wants any of those things with you. If he really wanted to marry you he would have asked not the vague “we will elope somewhere”. Sorry to be blunt but you are wasting your time with him

CalistoNoSolo · 19/09/2023 20:17

He doesn't want to marry you, have children with you or move to Oz with you. You could waste another 8 years of your life with him while he strings you along, or you can chase your dreams on your own.

Rightioohh · 19/09/2023 20:18

Op don’t waste too many years with someone who can’t lock down any decisions. I’m afraid he’s wasting your time too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/09/2023 20:51

He does not want the whole marriage and child thing, nor does he want to emigrate to Australia. He’s a time waster who will steal
the rest of your child bearing years if you are not careful.

IcedBananas · 19/09/2023 21:02

You live together which would have been a big step and required some planning. How did that move come about? How did he managed to plan that ahead of time? This past experience could be very useful to compare to his reluctance now

asquideatingdough · 19/09/2023 21:04

I had a similar situation with my ex DH. From early on in our relationship we had to decide whether to move to my home country or stay in the U.K. He never initiated any conversations or actions and would avoid doing any research or thinking but would go along with what I decided. I naively thought this was evidence we were deeply compatible!

Same with having children- never a no, never a real discussion, just avoidance and eventually going along with what I had decided. Luckily it was not too late but if he had been an enthusiastic partner in life it would have happened sooner and much more easily.

It later on became apparent that he was not really into either but went along because he realised he would otherwise lose me. He also didn't want the responsibility of thinking through the options and coming to a decision.

We divorced after 20 years. There were other issues but the passivity around things that really mattered made me resentful and very, very lonely.

So no, you are being perfectly sensible and normal to want to discuss and plan your future. I agree with the others that you are risking losing your life plans if you play along with him.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 20/09/2023 08:38

He's stringing you along. Sorry to be harsh OP but he doesn't want Australia, marriage or kids. Actions speak louder than words. He tells you what you want to hear but does nothing about any of it. If you want kids, you need to think very carefully about this relationship.

holrosea · 20/09/2023 09:41

Hi OP - F37 - I can only speak to my own decision making process about emmigrating, but I had a very honest chat with myself about how I'd feel in 5-10-20 years time if I didn't move.

My decision was easier, I was 22, fresh out of uni and had only been with my partner 18 months. We lived together but were renting.

I had a degree in a European language and had lived there while studying, I knew I wanted to move back but I was torn because I was in love, etc. The crunch point was a family wedding. He said "that'll be us one day" and I could just see myself at 30ish, married in the UK, maybe with kids, not using the language I had worked hard to learn. The anger and frustration I felt was directed at myself for not chasing what I wanted. So the next day I told him I was moving. It was a massive heartbreak but the right decision for me in the long run.

More recently, I had a 3y relationship with a 42 yo man who I thought I could plan a future with, but when I asked about being introduced to his DS11, whether he had ever thought about buying a house, living with a partner again, whether he wanted more kids or knew that he did not - he always said "not now, but not never". Which sounds very considered, until you tried to pin him down on the detail of when "now" might end and when "never" might begin.

Apologies for the essay. Your situation is clearly different, but I htink what I am trying to say is that your approach sounds good. You have taken the pressure off for now, you both know there will be a discussion in January so you have time to think about what you want individually and to "research" the things that matter or could be tricky for you. If he comes to the discussion in January with more "Australia was a pipe dream but being geographically close to family is really important to me" you may have some readjusting to do, but at least you know what you're working with. If he comes to the discussion with "I still don't know, I need time" then you have other decisions to make about investing the rest of your life with a man who might not be meeting your halfway. If you enjoy being that planner it can work, but if that feels like a burden it will get tiring very quickly.

Prelapsarianhag · 20/09/2023 11:19

He sounds like yet another future faker, stringing you along in the hope that he can run down your fertility clock before you notice. If he wanted to marry you he would, if he wanted kids he would be planning for them. Don't allow him to shut you down - make him talk and tell him to piss or get off the pot.