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Original poster

4 yr old not ready for school!

31 replies

Thefirstime · 19/09/2023 11:12

My DS just started school and it’s not going quite well.

he is refusing to go in every morning and extremely tired.

he wants to stay at home and play and be with me.

socially and emotionally he isn’t quite ready.

I dropped him off this morning and he got in such a fluster, the teacher was asking him what to do.. he followed instructions but struggled and burst into tears.

he has cried a lot since starting only 2 weeks ago - not sure what to do?!

I spoke to a mum yesterday who said he DD was the same and they pulled her out for 2 years (presumably to home educate) then she went back later, aged 7 and was more ready..

any advice greatly appreciated!!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/09/2023 11:13

Well he's not legally obliged to go yet, depending on which country you're inm. Can he stay home with you or was he settled at nursery?

Was he doing much my way of groups , time apart from you etc before he started school?

AvocadotoastORahouse · 19/09/2023 11:15

Sorry I've no real advice but I do think the English system is wrong, for many they are just too young.

We start a year later in Scotland with a March to Feb intake so most kids are already 5 or will be 5 in the next 4 months as nearly all Jan/Feb birthdays are deferred to start at age 5.5 than 4.5.

AgentProvocateur · 19/09/2023 11:17

Was he in nursery last year? They, and you, have presumably been preparing him for school. Can he articulate what it is he doesn’t like?

FrancisSeaton · 19/09/2023 11:19

My son is 7 and it's like this at the start of every school year for at least a couple of weeks. He will get used to it and start to feel settled soon. If you take him out now and start him later it will just be the same process again at another time

FlannelandPuce · 19/09/2023 11:23

Children are only legally required to be in school the term after their 5th birthday. Until that point there is no obligation for them to be at school.

I have seen some children only attend reception part time, or miss it out although and start in year one. For summer born pupils (April - August) there is no obligation to start school until the September after their birthday which puts them in year one. For that reason summer born pupils can ask to defer entry with a reception start as it's not in their best interest to miss reception.

The best place to start would be having a chat with the school and explain your concerns. Some children do struggle with transitions, and just because they are upset going into school doesn't mean they are upset all day. It is also natural for children to be tired after school too.

If you feel school isn't right at this moment for your ds then looking at options for deferment maybe the right path. The school maybe quite awkward about this but legally their is no obligation to attend until the term after their 5th birthday.

I hope this helps

SunRainStorm · 19/09/2023 11:45

Honestly, if it's legal where you live- pull him out and send him next year when he's had another year to develop.

Four is so little, I don't think it's good to put children in school before they are ready.

He'll thrive next year.

Original poster
Thefirstime · 19/09/2023 11:50

He turns 5 in a few weeks..

he did attend nursery 3-4 days a week..

he doesn’t do any clubs as is tired and likes to play at home etc.

legally he doesn’t need to be there from January but I didn’t want him to miss out the first term and getting to know pupils etc.,

it’s a brilliant school and we wouldn’t get a better one so I’d like this school to be the one he attends I just don’t know whether he would be better off going on year 1 or year 2..?

id look to home educate until then..

OP posts:
AnIndianWoman · 19/09/2023 11:53
  1. What time does he go to bed? Bed time must be earlier as they do so much more at school. I would start a wind down routine once school has finished (dinner 4:30-5, a bit of play, them bed time no later than 6) to see if it helps. Experiment with times.
  2. Get all his stuff ready the night before (including breakfast). Bath at night while they’re so little - it saves time
  3. Encourage him out by rewarding him - DS is 3 and gets a star for having a wee / brushing his teeth / putting on his clothes. If he leaves the house by 7:30 he gets to take a toy with him. If he doesn’t, no toy. We have a big clock upstairs and downstairs so he can clearly tell the time.
  4. DS is usually happier to go to school if I carry him out of bed while he’s still sleeping. He loves being cuddled awake. Try little things like this.

I think if you try all the above and he’s still reluctant then fine, try home schooling, but it should never be the first option.

AnIndianWoman · 19/09/2023 11:57

Thefirstime · 19/09/2023 11:50

He turns 5 in a few weeks..

he did attend nursery 3-4 days a week..

he doesn’t do any clubs as is tired and likes to play at home etc.

legally he doesn’t need to be there from January but I didn’t want him to miss out the first term and getting to know pupils etc.,

it’s a brilliant school and we wouldn’t get a better one so I’d like this school to be the one he attends I just don’t know whether he would be better off going on year 1 or year 2..?

id look to home educate until then..

By Year 1 / 2 friend groups are made and children are going to each other’s homes. My DN has struggled so much being the new boy during this time - as home schooling stunted his social dev, so not only does he not have friends, other kids don’t want to be his friend as mentally/emotionally he’s a much younger child. Sil has totally ruined his early school experience via home schooling and now they’re trying to fix this by changing schools and it’s created severe anxiety.

Needmorelego · 19/09/2023 11:58

Give it time. It's only been a couple of weeks.
Many reception children find it exhausting at first but the school expects this. It's common for a Reception classroom to have a pile of cushions in a corner that will have a child having a nap from time to time.
You could take him out but before you (and him) know it there will be the excitement of showing friends the conkers picked up on the way to school or kicking leaves along the way and exciting things happening at school (Halloween, Christmas).
It's too early yet to pull him out. Give it until half term at least.

SnapdragonToadflax · 19/09/2023 12:47

Is he getting enough sleep? My son's just started Reception after being at nursery four days a week (9-6) and he's tired. Not so he's falling asleep, but his behaviour is off, he's quick to tears, he wants lots of play and connection with us, and he's sleeping in past his usual natural wake-up time. We're trying to get him to bed earlier, though it's difficult when we both work til 5.30 and then he needs tea and wind-down time. We've got quiet weekends planned until half term, just postponed a couple of trips and nothing too busy. My friends with older children have told me it takes them 2-3 weeks to settle into the new routine and start to make friends, and at least half a term to stop being tired from all the new experiences.

I really don't think homeschool is the answer unless that's your plan long-term. Y1 is a lot more academic, more structured, and the children need to have had the base of YR to build on.

Also, I started school the term after I turned 5 (after Christmas) and while it was fine, I definitely felt quite out of place and didn't really know what to do at first, as I guess I missed all the explanations about how to use the library and where to sit. I think there's a lot to be said for letting kids blend in at this age.

Rockingchai · 19/09/2023 15:08

My son could not cope with school aged 4.5. LA refused to defer him/let him go back to nursery. He's adopted so had additional emotional needs. In the end I home educated him for 3 years. It was what he needed. Lived in an area where there were so many home Ed groups that I had group activities nearly every day. Lots of children attended a few of the same groups and got to know each other well.

The home Ed community is very close and supportive. Depends where you live (less good in rural areas) and whether both parents work outside of home. I was able to stop work for this time. My own experience was nothing but positive, very good for my son's emotional development, self esteem, experiencing so many new activities. I was able to be with him at a time when he was not ready to be away from me for long periods. I taught him the basics in the mornings, groups in the afternoons. He was ahead in reading when he went back to school aged 8. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Pinkbonbon · 19/09/2023 15:23

Well...it is very young. But tbh these don't seem like huge issues. I remember a kid when I started would bawl his eyes out for hours every moring for thr first fortnight.

I wouldn't have started him at 4 tbh...but now id probably just stick at it now he's in.

OfMark87 · 19/09/2023 15:37

AvocadotoastORahouse · 19/09/2023 11:15

Sorry I've no real advice but I do think the English system is wrong, for many they are just too young.

We start a year later in Scotland with a March to Feb intake so most kids are already 5 or will be 5 in the next 4 months as nearly all Jan/Feb birthdays are deferred to start at age 5.5 than 4.5.

This is one of the reasons I moved back to Scotland. (I'm Scottish, had DD in England & moved back when she was 2.5)
She is an august bday and I had no clue about the English system until after she was born!

Original poster
Thefirstime · 19/09/2023 17:19

It’s so wrong that they have to go full time SO young.. I feel for them..

once they’re in the system, that’s it..

what alternatives are there than home schooling? I’d like him to do part time but I don’t know if that’s even an option..!

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 19/09/2023 17:27

i will be less sympathetic towards difficulties of young age :P

everybody has to go to school and the first few weeks are always tough.

It gets better and kids do benefit from school and socialising with other kids - I would argue going at later age is actually worse because there are already established friends groups and kids are way ahead in terms of school work...

LastNightAPandaSavedMyLife · 19/09/2023 17:34

I would talk to his teacher about it as a first step and see how they can help. They’ll be used to it, children bring unsettled and not wanting to go in is normal. It even happens when they’re older and are having a bad day. It’s normal to be tired, he’s still getting used to it. Give it time. Reception is very play based where as year 1&2 is more structured and involves sitting and learning, it’s a big jump.

WeightoftheWorld · 19/09/2023 18:21

Part time is an option because he's not compulsory school age until the next term as you've rightly said. So you could do part time this term and that's within your rights as a parent. Whether that would be for the best here though, Im not sure.

I think first port of call is to arrange to speak to his teacher about your concerns though, see what they think and more details about how he is at school.

Mojoj · 19/09/2023 18:29

AvocadotoastORahouse · 19/09/2023 11:15

Sorry I've no real advice but I do think the English system is wrong, for many they are just too young.

We start a year later in Scotland with a March to Feb intake so most kids are already 5 or will be 5 in the next 4 months as nearly all Jan/Feb birthdays are deferred to start at age 5.5 than 4.5.

This. 4 is very young to be starting school. Can he not wait another year?

DixonD · 19/09/2023 18:36

He’s very nearly 5, not really 4 anymore.

He’ll be one of the oldest in his year group.

Some kids just don’t like school; it may not be because he’s 4 (very nearly 5!). But you know your child best.

DixonD · 19/09/2023 18:36

Mojoj · 19/09/2023 18:29

This. 4 is very young to be starting school. Can he not wait another year?

Show quote history

He’s 5 in a few weeks. He’ll be one of the oldest in his year group.

xyz111 · 19/09/2023 18:41

If he's been used to nursery 3-4 times a week, I would keep going. Reception is pretty similar to nursery. I see older kids still get upset at drop off. It's quite natural. What time is he going to bed?

ReeseWitherfork · 19/09/2023 18:47

Does the school have an Elsa or pastoral lead that you can speak to?

Debating whether school starts too young in England is all very well and good, but our system is set up for children to start at this age. Any adjustment to that shouldn’t be taken lightly and there may be some significant effects of doing so. I’m not saying OP shouldn’t make adjustments, but they need to be carefully considered.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 19/09/2023 18:56

I would keep going. You most likely will be delaying the problem until a later date. It is difficult to mix properly when starting in a different year.
Expectations are huge in year one academically.
All the phonics sounds and numbers are taught in Reception. They are expected to be writing and reading in year one unless the child has SEN. Are you in a position to teach all the areas of EYFS?
The school will have a phonics program they follow. It doesn’t always stay the same every year.
I work in Year 3 but have worked in Reception, A lot of children cry at first when separating. It will get better. Maybe see how it goes until October half term and reassess then.