Practical advise for friend who's DH has fallen in love elsewhere

[nightsoftheroundtable]

A very dear friend of mine has just been told her DH is in love with someone else. He's got no intention of reconciling and has been quite cruel.

I don't want to post details of someone else's life, but do people have practical advice I can give her?

They own a home
They have young kids
He's the breadwinner
He's got sole control of all things financially
She's a SAHM

From the story and attitude she's relayed to me, I feel he's intending to proceed quite cruelly and I want to give her some information on what she's meant to do.

Get a solicitor, get a job. Sounds harsh but it's the reality
Work through her pain while planning out the practical elements.

Do you think he was pulled or pushed? Typically, people aren't cruel unless they're angry, and they're not angry unless they've been hurt... although yes, some people are just mean! Not victim blaming at all, just trying to work out the 'why', because I agree, solicitor and job, as mentioned above are pretty much all you need besides 'time'. But I'd also want to know the 'why' to prevent it from happening again!

The flip side is that he just wants the money for his new life (egged on by his new partner). As I'm sure others will say, also worth evidence gathering... when and how the new woman came to be, affair etc, which could help sway the courts.

Solicitor and make sure she talks clearly through the financial control. This could be coercive control and against the law.

Does she have access to any money?

When it comes down to communication with him she needs to grey rock not talk about anything with him apart from logistics about the DC if they are sorting access etc

She need to emotionally protect herself.

@C1N1C
Eh? I might be reading this wrong but are
You blaming the abandoned wife ?

get a Soliciter and get a job
let her cry and wail

im sorry but I don’t think sahm is a model that works anymore (don’t tell her that !)

but she needs to get to work and get to business
and if she’s struggling see GP and get a therapist

and if he’s being nasty minimise all conversation

If he’s the sole control she needs to learn fast
and if he prevents this , as a PP said it’s coercive control

I completely disagree with @C1N1C sentence of "people is not cruel unless they are angry and they are not angry unless they have been hurt"

There is a phenomenon called blame swifting and it is when someone who knows is doing something wrong or have done something wrong put the blame in other person, usually the victim of the wrong doing, to justify his wrong behaviour.
That happened to me, so I know what it is.

Agree with the solicitors part and the job. Check what she is entitled to, she may be entitled to some government money allowance, free counselling, free childcare, meal at school etc etc. Family and friends support not only financial etc.

In the citizens advice bureau can give her advice and the links of many resources to check. It is free and it is a start.

It won't be easy, but if I could she can.

The practical stuff is about getting all the financial documents together, working out a a budget, telling school, getting a doctors appointment for an STD test, asking around for recommendations for a good family law solicitor, making a claim for benefits if appropriate etc, etc. The emotional stuff is separate and can be really hard. The ex is months ahead of his wife. He is all ready for his new life and if the women in my divorce group are anything to go, by the cold behaviour is normal. Your friend is on catch up and it is brutal as the person you relied on and trusted has decided to move on. The best advice I got early on is 'remember he is no longer your friend.'

@nightsoftheroundtable

If she is a SAHM if she isn't on the mortgage check she's on the deeds and if not tell her to register her Home Rights with the Land Registry (HR1 Form).

When this happened to me initially I desperately wanted to try to work things out and wanted my husband to stay. She may well be feeling similar. If she thought they were happy she'll be in shock.

The best thing she can do is as someone else said, grey rock him. If she tries to talk to him and wants an explanation or to know details she needs to remember that most likely everything he says will be a lie.

Whilst everyone says to get a job it's not always easy with young kids and she might be just about managing to get through the day at the minute. She needs to look into how much CMS her ex should pay, and go on Entitled To for a Universal Credit calc. Tell her not to move out of the marital home.

My ex was absolutely vile at times and said some awful things. He rewrote our life together and has been hateful towards me at times. Sorry and remorseful at others. What I realised is his behaviour depends how things are at that time with the OW and his feelings of guilt. I'd have been able to cope and move on faster if I'd stopped all contact.

Luckily she's married, so whatever assets they have are joint, regardless whose name they're under.

1. Surreptitiously gather evidence of his finances.
2. See a solicitor.

It doesn't matter if he intends to proceed 'cruelly'. It's not up to him to decide how the assets are split. It's solicitors/courts/judges/the law.

Not all 'abandoned wives' are the innocents in a relationship breakdown.

I think you are victim blaming, actually. Plenty of people are cruel in this situation. They engineer a ‘reason’ for their infidelity because it alleviates their guilt and creates a justification.

Ime, adulterous people always behave like utter shits when someone else is on the scene. He will at some point come scuttling back to his wife. I hope she tells him to eff off.

And the ow is irrelevant here in divorce court unless they're now living together which has an impact on the man's living costs.

Bad behaviour such as adultery and abuse is of no significance in terms of a divorce settlement unless there are kids involved and subject to abuse.

Your friend should definitely be an ice maiden from now on. Get a solicitor asap. She needs to understand her ex is not her friend at all anymore.

Go as @BlastedPimples says and remember, the moment one part is sure they want to leave the battle is NOT about who is right, what is fair or who is guilty, it is about stopping them walking out with most of the money and assets.

With regards to the so called victim blaming in this thread, it is not as black and white but it is much easier for both women and men to move on and rebuild their lives when they can accept part of their relationship was dead, part was their fault, part was not, but they both decided to stay and keep trying regardless… until things got so bad the woman got fed up or the man found a replacement.

Adultery is only ever one person's fault. There are still honourable choices to be made regardless of the state of the relationship

I generally agree, but I think in cases of abuse, it isn’t so cut and dry. Not that I’m saying that’s the case here but just general musing.

when I was in an abusive marriage, cheating was tempting, just to feel some affection. I didn’t, I left, but we didn’t have kids. I can see how things would have been even tougher if we had done.

Yes, I agree but I am also convinced that there is plenty of truth on the “women leave marriages when are fed up, men when they find someone else” saying, so things may have not been that nice for him, her or either for a while. The bottom line is no one who is 100% happy in their marriage finds the time or inclination to leave the door open for an affair.

He should have chosen to be honourable and not cheat, he could have left without cheating of course, but he hasn’t and no matter how wronged this woman has been (or not), he is not asking for forgiveness, understanding or being allowed to come back so any practical help should be aimed at supporting her to accept she needs to move on and ensuring she gets enough quality legal advice to protect assets and income for herself and her children if she doesn’t earn as much as her STB ExH.

All the above.
He may try to go for 50/50 of the kids to avoid maintenance.
How old are her kids?
I hope he's not self-employed - if so she should get as much paperwork as possible.

She will be OK, it's a long slog though.

If she can't afford therapy there may be local organisations that can help with reduced costs.

He sounds horrible, in the long run she'll be tons better off without him.

I can't reveal details of someone else's life too much but the children are school age.

I think he's going to try and screw her financially as there's been financial abuse. I wanted to give her tips for a hostile divorce.

Do her detective work, his payslips, bank statements, pension statements, mortgage statements, then see a solicitor, if he hasn't told her anything about their finances, he could be financially abusive.

She knows nothing about their finances :( not even what their income is :( He said it wasn't her business. Now she's not even got money to see a solicitor

She can’t afford not to see a solicitor in this situation. Seriously. She needs legal advice ASAP. That’s my top tip. Beg borrow or steal (ok maybe not steal) the money, this is the number one priority.

Worth her poking around as much as she can to see what she can find out about finances. I’d say now is not the time to be worried about eg breaking into a filing cabinet at home or checking his email that she happens to know the password to for financial documents etc. She needs as much info as she can get about the current state of affairs financially. He’ll technically have to declare it all to court eventually anyway if he insists on being this difficult about their finances (obviously if she has no clue it means he has more of a chance to try to cover certain things up but he’ll have to submit paperwork for certain obvious things like property, pension, current earnings etc).

Don’t move out of the house before speaking to a solicitor and understanding all the potential implications of this (unless she has no choice because she or the kids are at serious imminent risk of abuse etc obviously).

Another top tip for a hostile divorce from someone who has been through one is to decide what’s most important to her out of finances, child custody or the divorce itself and focus most of her energies there.

If there is any risk of child abduction then get the kids passports (apply right now if they don’t have them already) and keep them under lock and key.

I mean surely she has access to her own bank account? Do they not have a joint account? That’s a starting point.

Unbelievable, but no. I asked all these questions. She's given pocket money like a child. I really had no idea this was the situation but I think she was conditioned to think this was normal

Are the dc school age as in primary or secondary? Who has drive to ne sahp come from?

Both primary and she drives them to school.