Practical advise for friend who's DH has fallen in love elsewhere

[nightsoftheroundtable]

A very dear friend of mine has just been told her DH is in love with someone else. He's got no intention of reconciling and has been quite cruel.

I don't want to post details of someone else's life, but do people have practical advice I can give her?

They own a home
They have young kids
He's the breadwinner
He's got sole control of all things financially
She's a SAHM

From the story and attitude she's relayed to me, I feel he's intending to proceed quite cruelly and I want to give her some information on what she's meant to do.

She needs proper legal advice. She will be entitled to half of everything including his pension. She needs to get a job. He needs to pay maintenance. she needs to see if she's entitled to universal credit and child benefit. She may also get help with childcare. . But he won't listen to her, this needs to be done legally. She needs to report the financial abuse to the police so there's a record. Any threats, physical attacks all need to be reported to police. They will need to figure out custody arrangements. A lot of solicitors do a free 30 min,

I've no sympathy for such women.

What age is she? Is she educated? Did she work before marriage?

Are there parents or siblings who can help?

https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2017/matrimonial-and-non-matrimonial-assets/#

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune how very lovely of you.

How do you know she hasn't been financially abused? Or even abused? Controlled?

Your world must be very black and white. How easy for you to be able to make snap judgments like this.

I've no idea why some people don't work and stay at home. You shouldn't be a dependent on anyone and the other party will no doubt resent the situation.

Complete madness to me.

Well he’s in for a shock. Advice I’ve been given from a solicitor- Being a stay at home means it’s allowed him to have the earning capacity he has. Tell her not to move out of the family home. She can stay until her oldest child is out of education. If she wants to sell assets, then the court can make a financial order so he will have to prove what he assets he has. She may then be looking at a 70/30 split in her favour due to his future earning capacity. Also she can have a claim on any private pension he has. If he has moved out then she can claim universal credit. Child maintenance payments don’t affect universal credit. She needs to log the financial abuse as by doing this, she will be eligible for legal aid.

Agree with this. It's such a massive and unnecessary risk.

Yes, that is how it works… in theory.

The bottom line is that most of the above will only apply if (very big IF there) the husband is loaded, she has has a very very good solicitor, the money to pay her, an exhusband who is frank and honest when disclosinh info about assets, pensions, accounts, etc. But not knowing where the money is or how much he earns will make it almost impossible for her to find the assets she will be willing to split. If she cannot prove they exist then she cannot get part of them.

Having said that, staying in the house us the best she can do to protect herself until the matters are resolved.

op, not sure if someone has mentioned it already but ask her to go into entitledto.co.uk to find out if there are any financial support she can get while she put herself back on her feet. She might qualify for universal credit.

I suggest she rings WomensAid as well as they may point her in the direction of other support she can access and check if she will get support to pay for part of her legal fees.

Well no, many times it is black and white and absolutely one person's fault.

Really? You have no idea that disabled or ill people exist?

As much wronged a man or woman can be, there should have been red flags during the relationship, many people choose to ignore them, some times it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I will be stupid to assume that my very selfish exH was completely at fault, I was at fault to, even for the mere stupidity and stubbornness to stay put

Willyoujustbequiet

agree with both !
but I’m this case sounds like Ops friend has made the ill advised decision to stay at home to raise kids

which in modern society isn’t really working sadly
and it isn’t is it ?

Well there wasn't any with me and I certainly didn't ignore anything. You are minimising and victim blaming.

I’m sorry you feel you were never at fault, it must be difficult to move on when all the blame is placed on the other people: they will need to change to make you happy and they will not, will they?

That is the point I was trying to make, seeing yourself as a victim is self destroying, it disempowers you. If you take a bit of responsibility, the power to change things remains with you.

Best of luck!

‘Do you think he was pulled or pushed? Typically, people aren't cruel unless they're angry, and they're not angry unless they've been hurt... although yes, some people are just mean! Not victim blaming at all, just trying to work out the 'why', because I agree, solicitor and job, as mentioned above are pretty much all you need besides 'time'. But I'd also want to know the 'why' to prevent it from happening again!’

Where to start with this?

1. why does it matter? It’s not relevant. OP has asked for practical advise

2. who’s going to tell her friend ‘why?’ Her STBEX? He’s leaving her. He’s had an affair. He will come up with a trillion reasons as to why he’s leaving the marriage

3. ‘to stop it happening again.’ 🙄

Thank you but I will never accept any responsibility for being a victim of sa and dv and I shouldn't have to.

There are thousands of women like me. Its really unacceptable to suggest we take any responsibility for someone else's actions/crimes.

In many instances things really are just black and white.

Whoa! Lots of abuse towards her being a SAHM here. I can’t believe that’s what some posters are focussing on. It’s not always the best option for both parents to work. As a PP has mentioned, she may well have enabled him to earn more and progress his career by taking on all the other family responsibilities. She is therefore more than entitled to financial support going forward! The prick can choose to run off with the OW but he cannot just erase the life he’s leaving behind. She will need top advice from a solicitor though asap!

ColdLittleHeart

I’d say more callous than abusive

but not even sure of this has filtered to the Ops friend
either way I hope she’s ok and coping

When people started being nasty I left the thread. Thank-you to those who gave sensible help 🙏

I’m sure her DH would agree with you. He sounds abusive.