So I went NC with my sister last year, and she just sent me a voice message...

[chatenoire]

Would it be ok if I just ignore it? Shall I block her? I'd be happy to never see her nor talk to her again. I just don't feel any attachment towards her and never have. (Possibly down to my newly discovered ND brain). Just seeing that message put me on edge.

Im NC with narc mum and brother and although I have them blocked on everything, brother will set up new profiles on SM sometimes and msg me. I ask my DH to read them and if theres something important, to tell me. If its just his usual hate filled bollocks, DH will just say " Yeah, just bollocks" and block. Do you have a friend, work colleague or other family member( not related to your sister) who could listen to it for you?

I'm in the opposite position. My older sister went NC with me 13 years ago when I had a baby. There had been no argument. She didn't want children herself. She ignored his birth, ignored christening invites, ignored the fact that I'd had a second baby, ignored the fact that my husband ended up on a life support machine in a coma shortly after I had a baby. I tried for many years but in her mind I had done something. Last year she was found collapsed and we discovered that she is now terminally unwell. She lives alone in total isolation and hadn't left the house for 4 years. She has no one to care for her. I again reached out and sent a box of lovely thoughtful presents and she told others that I was nothing but a bully. She has cut my parents out and other family now. I am unable to reach her at all and most likely she will die and never see me again. To describe the situation as heartbreaking if an understatement. Her reasons for cutting family out is that she clearly distrusts people and finds it easier to cut others out rather than deal with upset or any emotions. But the more that she has done this over the years, it has only perpetuated her feeling that people are not to be trusted and made her even more avoidant of people. She's clearly doing it to protect herself, but I am most certainly not a bully. She has never learned to deal with any situation that she finds remotely emotionally difficult. I would do anything that I could to help her right now. I miss her. I was initially angry and hurt by her cutting me out. It felt extremely cruel that she was punishing her nephew and niece and didn't allow me the opportunity to find out what had caused her to behave like this. I watch my mother break down most days not knowing how she is and not understanding why she apparently hates us all so much. Cutting people out can be extremely cruel, particularly if you first don't explain exactly how you felt in order to try and resolve things first. In my case it has been hurtful, perplexing and confusing. It also doesn't teach your children how to manage relationships. I do find these sort of situations immensely sad. There are never any winners. Rarely does it resolve things and the stress just lingers for all involved. It never really goes away.

Then why start a thread about it?

Either delete it and move on.

Or listen to it and move on.

I don’t understand why you’re making this into a big drama.

I wouldn't let DD listen to it. What if she's saying something horrible?

It's not my mother (who is the only one I'd care about).

It's only been a year of NC even though I've wanted it my whole life, because my family used to emotionally blackmail me about it.

After she called me a thief in my own house, it's that it finally became "acceptable" to the eyes of my DM. Frankly, also being called a money grabber, dating my teenage years bully, and calling me a bad mother (before she became one) are part of the list too.

However I've genuinely never felt any attachment towards her, which explains my lack of tolerance too.

That sounds unbelievably painful and hard op, as a mother I have no idea how your mother copes.

Your sister sounds very mentally unwell, and resistant to any support. Sadly it can spiral into isolation. I guess you just keep sending her love and light, that she is loved no matter what. It will register somewhere. I am so sorry.

I don’t think you have anything to lose if you feel no feeling or attachment to her.

I’d have someone listening to the message. NOT your dd!

But i have to say you seem strangely disconnected to many of your family members.

Well if you know you are ND and have trouble connecting people that might be having an impact on your family relationships?

Where's the OP making a "big drama"? She's posted in relationships and simply asked it people think it's OK not to listen. Hardly drama!

My family (as in husband and DC) is doing OK. I just never had a massive attachment to my family growing up. Not my aunts, not my cousins, nor my grandmothers. Nor my father either.

The only people I've genuinely created an attachment to are my mother, my nanny, and one uncle.

I'm starting to understand why, and that's good, but that doesn't mean I want a relationship with my extended family either.

I would imagine that growing up in an environment where the OPs family have been emotionally abusive has probably contributed to being distant from them. Maybe the OP can clarify.

I'd listen and decide from there.

I'd listen just in case it's a death in the family or something important. If it's not urgent you can always delete it afterwards. If she was calling to tell you about a death and you deleted it not listened to, you might feel awful when you eventually found out about it.

So unless it was my mother (which in that I'm sure she would have called) and my uncle would have already contacted me. That's the only death I'd care about.

You have your answer then. If it’s your father or sister or her children you don’t care.

I am honestly not judging you OP, but I just worry that going NC actually doesn't relieve stress further on. Initially for a few months or years there will be a feeling of relief and being in control, but it's really not a quick fix. The fact that you still want to know what she has said and the stress about her being in contact clearly still affects you. You appear to still feel angry with her and dislike her enormously. When you are no contact those negative feelings can grow and expand as you ruminate over past events. Ironically my mother went NC with her brother. Yet it doesn't seem to bring her any peace. In my view she has modelled her behaviour to an extent to my sister. And now ironically she is on the receiving end. That is another danger. There are, of course reasons for going no contact, but it's not any easy decision and doesn't necessarily bring long term happiness. And it can really impact other relationships with other relatives, friends and family. There are some good websites which offer great advice on the pros and cons of going NC and also how to repair fractured relationships. My personal experience (and everyones experience is different) is that it's actually easier to take a step back and go low contact or to work through and establish. It is sad though for all involved.

We were low contact and I would get mega stressed every time she messaged me (and go and on of how I never made the effort).

I think it was the surprise factor TBH, now that I'm convinced it's to say happy birthday to my daughter I don't care.

@Lastchancechica

Thank you so much for your kind message. Yes, I believe that she has personality disorder. Unfortunately she is an alcoholic with end stage liver failure. I think that she resents me having a seemingly more successful life and is jealous. Our understanding is that she has stopped drinking, but she did threaten to restart in response to us being in contact. It's clearly a desperate attempt to keep her defences up, but we cannot take the risk. If I could just write to her, even if she didn't read the letters or binned them, I would feel less helpless. Sadly my dad is also terminally ill. He had a stem cell transplant recently and was very poorly, but still she refused contact. It's just a really horrible situation and so tough for my mother. I wish that I could fix it, but it's so tough. If she were happy and well I would be fine with her decision to never see me again. All we've ever wanted is to see her thrive and be happy.

Have you ever explained to her why you went low contact or are now no contact. I think that it's quite common when someone starts to withdraw for the other person to pile more pressure on. Perhaps it would have been helpful to set out why you weren't failing to make an effort, but just needed space and boundaries because of her past behaviour towards her. That said, often though, when you give examples, it can escalate, because if there's one thing that I have witnessed from family arguments is that there are never two sides to a story and very few arguments ever get resolved. There are usually several completely unaligned stories which both sides are adamant are true.

I've always been clear about them. Our mother was present in a couple of them (obviously not all of them). But that's kind of like by the by, I have no happy memories of us, at least not for the past 20 years.

My mother and my sister thought that as a family we always needed to forgive.

But the truth is that a) I don't believe in that b) if I never saw her again, I wouldn't care at all (and in fact would be happier). I've always been indifferent to her. I remember telling my best friend about it (when we were 15 or so) and she still remembers it.

Another good friend always said it was more common than people liked to admit.

The truth is, most of my family could have dropped dead at any given time during my life and I couldn't have cared less. I've always been wired this way, but nobody really got me.

Personally I would delete it and block her

Listen to it and tell me what it says for gods sake woman!! 🤣🤣🤣

I have a family member I'm NC with. They have found the process painful but every letter, message, present and phone call has either been ignored or dumped.

I've now blocked them and moved house (not because of them but that's definitely been helpful).

Do not listen and block her so she can't send you anything again.

Exactly.

My sister isn't worth my mental health. No good will ever come of having my sister in my life.