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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abuse, how to be strong

40 replies

Soconfused2023 · 18/09/2023 13:27

Hi everyone

Posting for help and support. I know what is happening to me is wrong and I should leave, but I am finding it so difficult. I love him, I love the good parts he brings to my life, but it seems to be one extreme or the other.

I have a good job, home, independence, younger, good looking, have been told I could do better than him. But I still love him and hold onto a time when it might change

I try to analyse why he does these things to me, which is mainly when he takes alcohol. When it happens, it is disgusting, the things he says to me, so degrading and physical abuse.

Please talk sense into me

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 18/09/2023 13:30

trauma bonding - you already excusing him by saying it happens mainly when he has been drinking. obviously he shouldn't be drinking then, but he prefers to abuse you to cutting down on drink

and the fact that you're better than him in every single way probably makes him want to abuse you more

Original poster
Soconfused2023 · 18/09/2023 13:30

In the beginning it was amazing, then it detetiorated. I am left in a constant spin by him. He has also cheated, I consider it cheating, even though he says we were broken up.

He always promises to change but only does for a few days

OP posts:
Original poster
Soconfused2023 · 18/09/2023 13:33

@PaintedEgg thank you for your response. I grew up in a home with physical abuse, in ways he reminds me of my dad how he presents sometimes.

Your comment about me being better makes him want to do it even more, sometimes when he apologises he says this, but never really explains, so I never understand

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 18/09/2023 13:34

its always good in the beginning , you wouldn't be with him if he smacked you in the face on the first date

no, he is not going to change. quite the opposite - it will keep getting worse

Original poster
Soconfused2023 · 18/09/2023 13:35

Worst was last year, nothing happened physically since then up until last few weeks

OP posts:
Zippedydoodahday · 18/09/2023 13:39

If you had kids with him (assuming you don't already) would you want them witnessing this and internalising that this is what a woman should put up with?* *

PaintedEgg · 18/09/2023 13:39

@Soconfused2023 so he doesn't even hide his resentment towards you...

to put it bluntly - he is jealous of you and it brings him pleasure to hurt you. It makez him feel great to see you humiliated and degraded.

to people like this it feels amazing to look at this person, so much better than them, cowering in fear as they throw abuse and punches at them. It makes them feel powerful and in control. He can channel all of his frustration into destroying you and then have the smug satisfaction that you are not going to leave anyway

it's like those sadists who abuse their dogs - the dog won't leave, and they get a kick out of controlling and abusing it

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2023 13:39

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Abusers often promise to change but it never lasts. He is basically telling you what you want to hear. You are in the nice/nasty cycle of abuse with him and that is a continuous one. You do not further have to analyse him, do not go down that rabbit hole. He does this because he can and he feels entitled to do so. He does not treat outsiders like work colleagues like this, this abuse is aimed solely at you. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over you.

You are also confusing love for him with codependency.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2023 13:42

I note also you grew up in a house where physical abuse was present. History has a nasty habit of repeating itself and subconsciously you’ve chosen someone not too dissimilar to your father. Your dad and your current husband are one and the same - these types of men hate women, ALL of them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2023 13:43

Like practically all abusers as well he has further escalated his violent behaviour and will continue to do so. You are not safe in any way with this man.

Quitelikeit · 18/09/2023 13:45

Well done for realising that something needs to change here

You know this man is severely damaged and you won’t be able to change that. What he does is not because of you as this is who he is and he will continue to be that person.

You can stay with him but you know he is damaging you all the while and you have to be realistic that if you stay with him he will erode your mental health and you’ll end up a shell of yourself

Try to start emotionally withdrawing from him and looking to the future without him in it

People like him perpetuate the cycle of abuse and it’s likely his children will also be abusive because they will copy his behaviour

To inflict him on a child would be so wrong

Original poster
Soconfused2023 · 18/09/2023 13:47

@PaintedEgg I have never viewed it like that. The more he has criticised me I have tried to change. I never felt he was actually jealous of me as a person. I have spent alot of time trying to understand him, help him

@AttilaTheMeerkat you are very right about him not doing to others. He is viewed as the complete opposite and would never behave like it, at times I have felt he has even been cowardly in situations

What is the codependency? Why?

OP posts:
Garihairy · 18/09/2023 13:47

I love him, I love the good parts he brings to my life, but it seems to be one extreme or the other.

It's not the real him. The good parts are fake, they are what he uses to make you accept the abuse, that's the real him.

But I still love him and hold onto a time when it might change

It's not the real him. If it changes it'll be for the worse, it will not get better. If it does it'll be for short spells to keep giving you that hope, but all he wants to do is abuse you.

I try to analyse why he does these things to me

Because he's an abuser.

That's all there is to it.

Please don't ask how to be strong to stay with him, he will end up breaking you completely, whether emotionally or physically. He will escalate. Please consider contacting Women's Aid, they will be able to support you and from there you will find strength.

Flowers
Original poster
Soconfused2023 · 18/09/2023 13:51

@Garihairy thank you

The trying to understand is the logical side of my personality

We have no children together, never witnessed by anyone, always done in private, although starts a row or verbal abuse in public and abandons me

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 18/09/2023 13:53

Soconfused2023 · 18/09/2023 13:51

@Garihairy thank you

The trying to understand is the logical side of my personality

We have no children together, never witnessed by anyone, always done in private, although starts a row or verbal abuse in public and abandons me

this further proves he has complete control over his behaviour - he doesn't want any witnesses

Original poster
Soconfused2023 · 18/09/2023 13:56

I have no connection to him in a physical or financial sense, I can walk away and never look back

But I always allow him back. He will contact me and explain and apologise and the cycle starts again

I do no know why I cannot let him go

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Original poster
Soconfused2023 · 18/09/2023 13:57

Fear? So hard to find a good man
In lots of ways he is so good

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 18/09/2023 14:03

You were an abused child, so in a perverse way abuse feels normal to you. But it is not normal, it is never right and nobody should put up with it. He will not change. Say that to yourself over and over until you believe it, because it's true. He will not change. But you can.

Please find a good psychiatrist and therapist to work out your issues so you can become strong, independent and move on. You deserve so much more.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2023 14:03

But the bad in him i.e his abusive side well outweighs any and all good.

Garihairy · 18/09/2023 14:04

Soconfused2023 · 18/09/2023 13:57

Fear? So hard to find a good man
In lots of ways he is so good

He is not a good man.

Being without a man isn't a bad thing. Being with an abusive man is an awful thing.

although starts a row or verbal abuse in public and abandons me

He is setting you up to react to his behaviour.

Every single interaction you are having with this man you are being a vessel for his abuse. Every single one.

I know it takes willpower to stop the contact, that can be hard to begin with. Once you have enough time apart from him that your head isn't filled with him (they keep your head full of them and their behaviours intentionally) you will start to see his behaviours for what they are, that's when you start building up strength.

Original poster
Soconfused2023 · 18/09/2023 14:13

@Garihairy I know you are right. I just ache for him, my head is filled with constant thoughts of him. I hate the thought of starting with someone else, not that I want to, but I am too young to be alone forever

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2023 14:18

You are very much on your own in this relationship now.

BTW are your parents still together?.

Ladyj84 · 18/09/2023 14:27

Having married an abuser they never change. They use good times as control so that we put up with the bad. Don't stick I eventually left and now happily married to a man who adores me and treats me right and we have 4 adorable kids now

Original poster
Soconfused2023 · 18/09/2023 14:32

@AttilaTheMeerkat no father died by suicide

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Original poster
Soconfused2023 · 18/09/2023 14:33

@Ladyj84 great to hear you found true happiness, it gives me hope

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