Abuse, how to be strong

[Soconfused2023]

Hi everyone

Posting for help and support. I know what is happening to me is wrong and I should leave, but I am finding it so difficult. I love him, I love the good parts he brings to my life, but it seems to be one extreme or the other.

I have a good job, home, independence, younger, good looking, have been told I could do better than him. But I still love him and hold onto a time when it might change

I try to analyse why he does these things to me, which is mainly when he takes alcohol. When it happens, it is disgusting, the things he says to me, so degrading and physical abuse.

Please talk sense into me

Has he ever loved me? Or is it all fake

It is not your job to fix him. That's his job. He is currently choosing to treat you in a way that is unacceptable.
A good man would not do that. A good man demonstrates his love in his behaviour and how he talks to you.

You get to choose if you are prepared to accept that. I would not accept that.
But that doesn't matter, because what matters is what you think.

This will not get better so have a careful think about the future. Do you want to be dealing with this in 5 years time, 10 years?

it is all fake, you dont harm people you love. he never loved you, dont event entertain this idea

@PaintedEgg I think that is the hardest part to swallow

Their kind aren't really capable of love in the same way you or I are.

They can idolise people...in the beginning. They can want to aquire them. Like you or I could want to aquire a sparkly diamond ring. But ultimately, they'll hate us. Because we aren't actually objects they can control, we're people, with our own needs and wants and feelings. And if a toy can never truly be theirs...they smash it.

They don't know love. They don't have empathy or compassion like we do. It never developed in their young childhood years as it should have. They are not like us. They are predators.

He means you harm.
His life is consumed with bringing you down.
Think on that.
That's not someone you should be anywhere near. Let alone in a relationship with.

You'll never understand him because he isn't like you or I. He's a lion and you're a lamb.

Instead of wasting your life stuck on a merry go round of trying to change you to change him....ask yourself 'don't I matter?' and 'What about self love?'.

It's time to choose you.
And never look back.

Basically, don't waste your life trying to convince a lion to stop chewing on your leg and become a cuddly companion pet instead. Because that's never going to happen.

Ps: just because he doesn't love you, doesn't mean you don't deserve love.

You deserve love and kindness and empathy and compassion and people in your life who are capable of those things. This is not a 'you' issue. You cannot change you to fix him. But you can leave him, heal yourself and find a healthy,Oving relationship with someone else.

First though, you have to develop a healthy loving relationship with yourself. The first step on that ladder is leaving your abuser.

Don't sacrifice your safety and potentially your life for love or the few good things that make him an okay partner. Plan to get out, go somewhere safe and run for the hills.

The whole relationship has been a lie was a hard thing to process for me but over time it's getting easier, although still hurts. I didn't see it for what it was the whole time, I'm a guy and abuse isn't like discussed a lot and I just took it all. I knew it wasn't right but was stuck in that good/bad cycle and hoped they would change. Became dependent.

They didn't change, it got worse and now I'm restarting all over again. It's weird but also peaceful... health is improving, more freedom.

Now I see it wasn't real, you don't treat someone you love and care about that way.

Get away, don't stick around and don't have children with these types, not only will they be sucked in but they also become a weapon to hurt you.

The more you keep the door open for him the longer you are delaying meeting a real man

I understand you saying that you do not know why you cannot let him go.

I was in a 6yr then a 13yr relationship with two different kinds of abusers and I was in a similar state of mind both times. The longer relationship had a more subtle form of abuse (emotional and financial) so maybe that's why it was harder to let go. And as it goes, I never did let go, he dumped me, many times, I felt lower and lower then he kept coming back until I felt that the only thing that could fix me was him.

It was a very close thing but I managed to live through the pain of separation and humiliation with the help of a few people who allowed me to call them in my darkest times. I am now 3 years single and I am honestly happier in myself than I have been in decades.

I'm telling you this in the hope you can take a thread of hope from it too, and understand that the addiction of being with a person who doesn't do you any good IS possible to beat. You will never feel like your best and most confident self while this person is in your life; you'll always know that he could start abusing you again. His drink problem is not curable by you, maybe it's not curable ever. Try to start seeing yourself as separate from him and build up your self identity enough to say no to him.

You're too young not to choose a better life for yourself

I was with my ex for 30 years, I grew to hate him because of the way he treated me, I would daydream about life without him. It is so much better than I ever could have imagined.

I wish I'd left at the first red flag but I didn't recognise it because my father controlled my mother and I thought the wife's job was to accept these things. I had niggling doubts but he was my husband, we'd had all this time together, so I pushed those doubts to the back of my mind. It was when I found Mumsnet that I started to realise his behaviour was abusive. By this time the damage he had done to me was beyond repair.

If I can help any woman avoid any of what I went through by pointing out what's not always obvious when you're in the midst of the abusive relationship then I will. Please @Soconfused2023 , you know he's abusive, you know he's got you into the situation you're in now, do not let him do any more harm.

I know it's not easy to just LTB or cut ties but hopefully the answers you're getting here will help to give you a bit of strength and to value yourself more. I wish you the very best

Get out, don’t go back - he won’t change quick enough to ever make it work and that’s with professional intervention. This isn’t a healthy situation. Get help to have a better relationship with yourself. I’ve been there, choose the harder option and leave.

Thank you all for your help and support. I in almost every way have my life together, but a good relationship still escapes me. On paper, I am a good catch, but somehow I can't get a good one. It is so hard to believe it is not me

Oh OP. The part about him starting a row in public then abandoning you made my heart hurt for you. This was one of the things my abusive ex did. If the passion is there it must be love right? That’s what I thought. I was so wrong.

I have the sort of man now who would wait an hour in the rain for me and still put the umbrella over me. I can 100% with every fibre of my being trust him, and he never fills me with the fear or the anxiety or instability of emotion. I love him in a way that doesn’t even compare to my ex, and at the time I thought my ex was my whole world.

You are worth more, will love more and better, and will be cherished by someone wonderful. But only you have the power to make that happen. 💐

Op you say on paper your a catch its nice to see you still have some confidence don't let him destroy that,in time you will find that person,when that time is right for you,but when you do meet someone in the future have Claire's law in mind,there is not much more I can add to this post because you have been given some wonderful advice by ladies who have been in your position and thankfully got out of it good luck