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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slapped him...

33 replies

starryx · 17/09/2023 22:45

I hate having to post this but I need advice...

Basically I slapped my boyfriend twice
We have been together 2 years and have a place together

But tonight was a build up of hours telling me how useless I was and how I hadn't contributed to the house at all.. all because I said we shared something but he insisted ownership.

Then what did it for me was when he said he could kick me out like that and happily pack my bags so I can live else where or move in with my family...
He was drunk.
Then it just broke me

I do feel horrible well even more worse than horrible for doing it.. so upset that I hurt him like that. I don't know why I resulted to hitting him with a slap. Violence should never been a result no matter how angry or upset I am.

I don't know what to do from here any help or advice?

OP posts:
Teder · 17/09/2023 22:49

You should leave him, this isn’t a healthy relationship. Be on your own and try to seek some help; can you afford private counselling?

Original poster
starryx · 17/09/2023 22:51

Teder · 17/09/2023 22:49

You should leave him, this isn’t a healthy relationship. Be on your own and try to seek some help; can you afford private counselling?

I know but I love him so much but he hurts my when he says do much that I don't do anything. Reckon I could make this work in anyway? And hmm I'm not sure. How much on average would it be?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 17/09/2023 22:57

It sounds like reactive abuse.

When an abuser berates you for hours, wears you down...or, gets all up in your space, a shove or a slap isn't an unexpected response.

And then they get to win because you feel awful.

Op, you are in an abusive relationship and its bringing our the monsterous in you.
The thing is ..abusers drain you dry, bit by bit, day by day...and whilst doing so - they pour themselves into you. A little drop of poison every day...sometimes, a torrent. And that posion drives you mad. Makes you do things you never thought you would do.

You need to leave him op. Before you lose yourself completely. You are not a bad person. But he's intent on turning you into a broken one.

sealop · 17/09/2023 22:57

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Pinkbonbon · 17/09/2023 23:01

Ask yourself this- why would you want to make things work with anyone who 'spends hours telling you how useless you are'.

I mean, what the fuck? Give your head a shake op. It's time to leave this bastard. Like, yesterday.

Your own body knew the score. It reacted against his bile. Listen to it and leave. Dont let him drag you down anymore.

VeridicalVagabond · 17/09/2023 23:03

Why do you love someone who spends hours making you feel shit about yourself? That's not love. Love is easy, and makes you feel good, and adds value and positivity to your life.

This is a toxic, unhealthy and abusive relationship. You need to leave, and spend some time on your own doing some work on yourself, because if you think this mess is worth trying to salvage, your self esteem must be absolutely abysmal.

Pinkbonbon · 17/09/2023 23:03

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So is he.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2023 23:05

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Hours of telling her how useless she is? They are both abusive. And the only cure for that is to leave, OP.

And get a great deal of counselling before thinking about another relationship.

Frankly, I'm sick of hearing on here, "I love him". Loving someone is just one of the very many considerations before you should be in a relationship. Are they safe? Do they make you feel good? Can you live together practically, emotionally, financially. It's Disney-crap to think that love is all you need. It isn't.

sealop · 17/09/2023 23:06

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Hermittrismegistus · 17/09/2023 23:07

If someone spent hours basically telling me how shit I am then I'd give them a good slap too. Can't be doing shit like that and expect no response.

You should leave him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2023 23:08

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Leaving is the answer.

You're pretending that she is the only one who behaved appallingly. She's not.

sealop · 17/09/2023 23:09

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sealop · 17/09/2023 23:10

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Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2023 23:11

It alarms me that you don't recognise for yourself that this relationship needs to be over. All of your "I love him" shite is absolutely irrelevant. He sounds absolutely horrible, and he clearly brings out the worst in you.

Stop living in denial and get the fuck away from him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/09/2023 23:15

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It’s at least the second one tonight designed to get posters defending a woman who’s hit a man.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2023 23:16

Yes @AnneLovesGilbert there's a lot of threads like this. Which is interesting.

Pinkbonbon · 17/09/2023 23:19

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Not remotely what I said.

I said it's called reactive abuse. It happens as a result of abuse. The behaviour is a recognised response to abuse. That doesn't necessarily mean excusable.

But if you are systematically abused, it is a form of mental and psychological warfare and fight or flight can kick in.

Also you know its different. If a man hits a woman he could kill her. So let's not make this a man vs women thing. It's not remotely the same.

Either way the hitter should have left long before it got to that point though. But often the abused is too mindfucked to do so.

Opentooffers · 18/09/2023 02:53

You've got big problems if you can feel love someone who behaves like that to you. What did you learn about relationships growing up? Is it really OK to you to love an abuser, whether that's him/you or both?
It's only been 2 years and you don't mention DC, so it's nothing that hard to get out of. Do you own or rent your house? Either sell or end the tenancy. Then work on why you are compromising yourself so much. It's not normal to be jumping to ways around avoiding a split after what has gone on.

Opentooffers · 18/09/2023 02:56

Odd the following post is written in a totally different style, and with Los of errors unlike the first?

TooManyThingsToRemember · 18/09/2023 03:04

He's mentally abused you, now you have physically abused him. It's a terrible relationship.

You think you love him, but that's not l love, it's just what you think love is.

You need to end the relationship and build your self esteem. This is no way to live.

Coyoacan · 18/09/2023 04:10

The only person I ever felt like hitting was my abusive ex.

Violence is wrong and when it enters a relationship it is time to call a halt to the whole thing, but he does not sound at all nice.

rebecca100 · 18/09/2023 04:21

Imagine if this was the other way around and the male partner had slapped the female because he was 'driven' to it by verbal abuse.
He wouldn't be getting any of this sympathy, you'd all be advising to report to police for immediately regardless of the reason why it happened.
I don't agree with how he's treated her at all, but physical violence is never acceptable.

User452023 · 18/09/2023 05:22

starryx · Yesterday 22:45

We have been together 2 years and have a place together

But tonight was a build up of hours telling me how useless I was and how I hadn't contributed to the house at all.. all because I said we shared something but he insisted ownership.

Give us more context OP.. Does your partner normally behave like this? .

You said he was drunk when he was saying all of this? Is this a pattern of behavior that's been there throughout the 2 years? If it has been then it's definitely abuse.

If this was a one off argument about this issue, then he could just have been ranting cos he was drunk, and you obviously were very hurt by what he was saying. Is there any truth in what he was saying?

Rather than hitting him in retaliation you should leave. Just start to make plans to move out because this is no way to conduct a relationship is it.

We can't hit someone if they do or say things we don't like. That's assault!! If he had hit you we all know what would happen.

However you can choose to leave!

If you stay in this relationship, what will you do to prevent this happening again when he says something to you that just breaks you?

If he is abusive then this relationship is just not going to work is it?

But equally, if you hit your partner when he says things to upset you it's just not going to work is it?

Bananalanacake · 18/09/2023 05:35

You can have a relationship without living together you know

AgentJohnson · 18/09/2023 05:44

Two wrongs don’t make a right. This should be the wake up call for you to get out of a toxic situation.